Insane Gods of Wrestling

[Lone Gunman]

Indy Fed Name: Insane Gods of Wrestling (IGW)

Style: Watered-down Entertainment

Base Location: “The Church” facility in San Francisco, California

Age: 20

Owner: CMC Corporation (majority shareholder)

Finance: Too healthy considering the quality of the product. Privately funded by the CMC Corporation

Local Reputation: 5% - Once an extremely popular independent promotion based out of Georgia with good ties to GroundZero Enterprises, the years have not been kind to IGW. 2006 saw Clancy McClean’s CMC Corporation become majority shareholder and subsequently relocate to San Francisco, CA. Much of the original roster was released and the once hard core of Georgian IGW supporters was left behind. The product, with a monthly television show, has dropped substantially in quality in the last number of years.

National Reputation: 10% - There remains a small number of dedicated supporters from the Georgia days. This combined with Clancy McClean’s (sometime) involvement have given rise to something of a cult following, although the roster is all but devoid of big-name talent and much of the television output is made up of re-run Clancy McClean promos from his time with GZW2K1.

Global Reputation: 5% - Not well-known or well-liked anywhere other than Scotland, where the monthly TV show is syndicated through BDR’s Media Muppet network.

Roster

Clancy McClean: Often absent on-screen ‘head booker’ character – inexplicably written as a beloved babyface though not at all over with fans and clearly resented by the talent. Fourteen-time IGW Heavyweight Champion.

Lieutenant Armyman: War-hero gimmick, covered head-to-toe in green paint in the style of a toy soldier. Top babyface.

Clarence “Reject” Bachman: Former on-screen adversary of Clancy McClean in GZW2K1. Only makes sporadic appearances. Very over with the fans but detested by the roster for his insistence on no-selling, refusal to put anybody over and the fact that when he does turn up he is booked exclusively in main events.

William Black: Sour-faced former BMWF and GZW2K1 competitor – constantly booked as the butt of jokes and falls victim to constant sneak attacks without his prior consent.

Jai-Ray: Former on-screen brother of forgettable GZW2K1 nobody Pitfighter. Although a near-ten year veteran, he is still greener than Lieutenant Armyman.

Arnold the Adequate: Thinly-veiled homage to Creation Wrestling’s Billy the Brilliant.

Nazal Haire: Former GZW2K1 Tag Team Champion. Sloppy worker but well-liked backstage.

John “Creative” Juices: Poncy artist-type. Always sports a beret, thin goatee and uses a bongo as his weapon of choice.

Monobrow McEyebrow III: Clancy McClean’s primary on-screen rival and the butt of more jokes than William Black. Clearly arising from McClean’s unresolved rivalry with GZW2K1’s Chris Cairns, nothing more than a glorified punching bag. Frequently cries and/or wets himself on IGW TV.

King Monark: A talented wrestler in his own right, though basically booked as a ripoff of James “Monarch” Corbin. His moveset has been cut down to three or four of Monarch’s trademark moves with silly names. Generally considered to be the under-utilised backbone of the IGW roster.

[Lone Gunman]

IGW "LIVE" 15 April 2011 on CMC-TV
Report from PWOutsider.com

The show opens with a lengthy re-run of Clancy McClean’s appearance on the Chris Cairns Show at GZW2K1’s Fallout: Destiny Fulfilled from over six years ago. Much of Cairns’ dialogue is cut out, the resulting video package becoming mostly a Clancy McClean monologue of (at best) questionable relevance to IGW.

Clancy McClean and Tech Nishin’ are our commentators for the evening. McClean hypes up the event in overly grand terms, referring to a sold-out crowd despite the obvious empty seats in The Church, which lest we forget is only a 2,000-seater venue anyway. Nishin’ tries to outline the night’s card but promptly gives up after being interrupted several times by McClean.

The opening bout, we are told, will see Jai-Ray finally settle the score with William Black. Jai-Ray hits the ring to a lukewarm reception but Black is nowhere to be seen. We cut backstage to see the entire roster (inexplicably including Jai-Ray) giving Black a severe beating. Clancy promptly reminds us that the event is live amid recent allegations of pre-recording and heavy editing on IGW TV. This goes out the window entirely as the backstage footage continues and we see Clancy himself kicking the obviously quite hurt Black in the head a number of times – all the while simultaneously providing commentary. Jai-Ray is quickly declared the winner due to forfeit.

Lieutenant Armyman comes out to the ring to cut a promo about his IGW Heavyweight title defence later tonight against Clarence “Reject” Bachman. Armyman gets a pretty legit pop despite messing up his lines a couple of times. He says that Reject lacks the discipline and fighting spirit that it takes to be a champion and also a soldier. He claims to have killed over a dozen people in active duty which, disturbingly enough, gets a raucous cheer from the crowd.

The first actual match of the night is Arnold the Adequate versus King Monark. Clancy McClean is all hype for King Monark. He refers to him several times as “The Greatest of All Time”, “The Wrestling Franchise” and, for some reason, “The Vicious One”. The match goes about four minutes, with Arnold getting some decent responses for his athleticism, until Monark hits the Shimperial Shimpalement out of nowhere and picks up the win.

Clancy leaves his post at the announce table and cuts a lengthy promo in the ring, about nothing in particular. His tone is quite bitter and petty throughout, as he badmouths Chris Cairns a little. All of a sudden Monobrow McEyebrow III storms the ring and gets in Clancy’s face. McClean announces that an impromptu match will now take place. The bell sounds and the two go at it. Bizarrely, McClean also provides a voiceover commentary for the match. McEyebrow III gets a steel chair and hits Clancy with it a number of times. He goes for the pin but Clancy kicks out. McEyebrow III repeats the process and again Clancy kicks out. Commentator McClean stresses that Clancy McClean is the toughest wrestler he’s ever seen. McClean hits a sloppy clothesline which McEyebrow sells hugely – so much so that his trunks fall down to reveal a pair of lacy red panties. McClean makes the pin to pick up the win. Even more bizarrely, McClean announces that the impromptu match was actually for Lieutenant Armyman’s IGW Heavyweight title, and as a result Clancy is now the new champion, beginning his fifteenth reign with the belt.

We cut backstage to find a battered and bruised William Black being bandaged up by EMT’s. The senior medical official gives Black the all clear, and Black motions to leave. Without warning or explanation, the senior medical official begins to choke Black with his stethoscope. More medics arrive on scene and join in beating up and choking Black. A backstage assistant joins the fray and throws a steaming hot jar of coffee over Black.

John “Creative” Juices puts on a half-way decent match next against Nazal Haire. Nazal gets a good pop but doesn’t bring much to the affair. Juices carries the match by having Haire throw him around with all sorts of slams, suplexes and back body drops. The audio is a little out of sync for much of the match, with McClean and Nishin’ announcing spots before they happen on more than one occasion. Juices picks up the win with a small package. McClean quickly storms the ring and brands Juices a liar and a cheat. He demands that the decision be reversed and Haire is declared the new winner. This makes even less sense than most of what has happened so far and really doesn’t do anything for either man.

Now ex-IGW Heavyweight Champion Lieutenant Armyman comes to the ring again and confronts McClean about what happened earlier with his title. Armyman looks legitimately pissed, which leads me to believe he wasn’t given a heads-up of any sort. The show promptly cuts to black.

When we return Armyman is nowhere to be seen. McClean explains that Armyman had challenged him to a rematch there and then, which McClean promptly accepted. Unfortunately the TV feed had cut out for the duration of the match, but McClean assures us that it was of five-star quality, it was a clean win, and that Armyman is now on his way to a local hospital. McClean calls himself the most prolific champion in wrestling history. Nishin’ asks about the status of the billed main event of Reject vs. Lieutenant Armyman, given Armyman’s current situation. McClean explains that the match is now cancelled, and that he has sent Reject home. Speculation is that Reject never showed in the first place.

McClean announces a new main event: an impromptu battle royale, the winner of which will receive a shot at his IGW Heavyweight title at some point in the future. Entrant number one is William Black, who stumbles out to the ring in a very bad way. The remaining entrants all come out at once – the bulk of the IGW roster. They proceed to take turns beating Black up a bit more for about ten minutes. None of them try to eliminate each other, or even Black. McClean then leaves the announce table once again and enters himself into the match. One by one, he eliminates everybody else and declares himself the winner – and number one contender to his own title. The show goes off the air as boos and chants of “bullshit” are drowned out by pre-recorded cheers and “Clancy” chants.

[Lone Gunman]

NEW IGW SIGNINGS ANNOUNCED
From PWOutsider.com

Following from the “success” of the IGW’s latest “LIVE” broadcast event, parent company CMC Corporation has unveiled a host of new signings to the irreverent (and irrelevant) promotion. The list is all but devoid of recognisable talent and mostly reflects Clancy McClean’s penchant for “gimmick” characters. Among those reported to have signed are:

Boryczka (pronounced BOR-ISH-KAH): Big, mean Texan billed as being from “Poland, Eastern Europe”. Comes complete with borderline racist catchphrases and unconvincing accent. Not particularly talented but has an impressive physique and is very, very strong.

Swamp Creature: Masked monster, weighs about 400lbs and stands just under 6 foot. Comes to the ring covered in green slime, which inevitably ends up all over the ring and his opponents.

“The Lean Grandad” Lord John Traynor: Well over 65 years of age. There seems to be no reason for his “Lord” title.

Professor Clumsy: Supposedly a brilliant scientist, recently let go from a top academic post as a result of his characteristic clumsiness. Wears a lab coat and carries scientific apparatus to the ring, which inevitably end up falling, exploding, breaking, etc. Clancy McClean has reportedly already prepared a year's worth of creative material for the character.

Don Mafioso: Had a short-lived stint in GZW2K1 as Gangzta in 2001. He’s a mob boss apparently.

Agent Zero: Quasi-FBI Agent type. Mysterious and doesn't say much.

William Black’s wife and son: An unrelated man and woman (both to each other and to William Black) that are set to feature heavily in backstage vignettes. Also they have been given the previously inactive IGW Tag Team Championships, prior to any actual wrestling.

Pink Queen: IGW’s years-too-late, shameless, and extremely tasteless attempt to ride the previous success of openly homosexual wrestlers such as GZW2K1’s Lord Leon Corbin and Vernon Vanderbilt.

Ace the Face: 14-year-old Zac Sharp lookalike, accompanied at all times by his parents - who must give written consent for him to wrestle each match.

Reverse Cowboy: Unimaginative cowboy stereotype with an unfortunate name.

Cell Block: Former GZW2K1 Globalstar. Rumour has it that he will be paired with William Black, possibly to feud with Black’s wife and son.

[Lone Gunman]

IGW EXODUS 21 APRIL 2011

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A bizarre video package opens the show: Footage of Clancy McClean at another obscure GZW2K1 event from six years ago is accompanied by an orchestral rendition of Moby’s “God Moving Over the Face of the Waters”. McClean announces the 2005 Neophyte of the Year gauntlet match – yes, the one that never happened.

The video fades out and Clancy comes to the ring to James “Monarch” Corbin’s entrance music, “Superbeast” by Rob Zombie. This isn’t explained whatsoever. McClean announces that tonight will be a monumental one for any amount of reasons, but primarily because tonight we will finally crown the 2005 Neophyte of the Year. He cites political red tape as the cause of the six-year delay of the event but assures us that there will be no excuses tonight. The hottest young up and coming talent will duke it out in a spectacular gauntlet match to crown the best of the best. He also reminds us that his squillion-dollar fortune is up for grabs as the winner will become sole heir to the McClean estate. The match will be tonight’s main event and the entrants will be kept secret until the last minute, order of entry being entirely random. The crowd really get behind this, and Clancy gets a legit pop as he leaves the ring to take his post at the announce table. Tech Nishin’ appears out of thin air and joins him to provide colour commentary.

Boryczka makes his debut in the opening match as he takes on John “Creative” Juices. Boryczka is clearly green as hell, but he’s undeniably got the superstar look – just shy of seven feet tall, well over three hundred pounds of rock solid muscle. Juices does what he can to sell the big man’s sloppy slams and kicks, but the crowd don’t buy it for a second. Boryczka picks up the win with a misdirected scissor kick to the side of the head that seems to knock Juices out cold.

William Black is queuing up in the cafeteria. Clancy points out, for no particular reason, that Black has to pay for all his own food whilst the rest of the roster gets theirs for free. Black looks just a little uneasy, knowing that a backstage sneak attack could come at any time, without warning or indeed his permission. The line slowly gets shorter and eventually Black reaches the top. He asks the surly lunch lady for a nice piece of fish. Keeping one eye over his shoulder, he pays for his food and sits by himself.

Lieutenant Armyman comes to the ring to cut a promo about what happened at last week’s live event, during the course of which he lost his IGW Heavyweight championship to Clancy McClean. He gets good support from the live crowd and comes across quite sympathetically. He proceeds to discuss in some detail the first time he killed an innocent person while serving his country. The fans go wild with cheers of approval as he explains that he mistook an old man for a known terrorist and shot his head clean off his body. He vows that he will enter and win tonight’s gauntlet match and become 2005 Neophyte of the Year.

Backstage, Monobrow McEyebrow III is cleaning out the toilets. Mop, bucket, hairnet, hairnet over his monobrow – he looks the part. He seems to be having difficulty unclogging one toilet and so has a rummage around in his equipment. He retrieves the Chris Cairns Creation Trophy (won by Jon Kellar in 2005) and begins to plunge away at the wet mass of toilet paper and who knows what else. The scene lasts for a good five minutes and eventually he manages to unclog the toilet. He throws away the useless, soiled trophy and goes on his fifteen minute break.

Ace the Face is in action next against King Monark. The 14-year-old Ace is accompanied by his parents, who hold the ropes open for him so he doesn’t hurt his fingers. They talk to the referee for a moment before signing a consent form allowing the match to take place. King Monark hits the ring and gets a pretty good pop. Bizarrely he also uses “Superbeast” as his entrance music. The match is decent, Ace is fast and spends most of the match literally running circles around the 60-year-old Monark. Monark picks up the win with the Shimperial Shimpalement. Ace’s parents console the teary-eyed youngster and promise to buy him McDonald’s on the way home.

William Black is in the locker room lacing up his boots. He looks shifty and nervous and the area is strangely deserted. Surprisingly it remains so; he finishes lacing his boots and leaves without incident.

The tag team titles are on the line next as we witness the debut of the bizarre intergender team “William Black’s wife and son.” Both appear to be roughly the same age, somewhere in their mid thirties. Black’s “wife” is a heavyset Jamaican woman and his son is a lean man of apparently Asian origin. McClean and Nishin’ explain that Black is divorced and regularly fails to pay his child support. No explanation is given as to why these people are billed as being his family, why they’re wrestling at all or indeed why they were handed the long-defunct tag team titles. Their opponents are Professor Clumsy and a “mystery partner”. Professor Clumsy comes to the ring alone and explains that he has been in the lab for weeks making a suitable partner. Out comes a man in a calculator costume, strikingly similar to that of GZW2K1 developmental star Human Error. Clumsy claims that this man/calculator is legitimately of his own creation, and McClean sells it as if it’s the most real thing in the world. The match itself is a total bust, centred primarily around Professor Clumsy falling, tripping up and so on. William Black’s wife and son retain after Clumsy gets his lab coat stuck in the ropes and Black’s son is able to take advantage with a small package.

Yet again we find William Black backstage, this time watching the in-ring action from a monitor. Nobody attacks him.

McClean leaves his post at the announce table to formally introduce the night’s main event, a gauntlet match to determine the 2005 Neophyte of the Year. Beforehand, Clancy airs a video package containing the 2004 tournament final in its entirety, as “Buzzing” Electric Sharpe defeats Kid Kaos in a lengthy ladder match. It really smells of filler from here, and it may be intellectual property infringement too.

The gauntlet match gets underway as Swamp Creature and Cell Block start things off. Cell Block makes a grand entrance, the company having spared no expense in terms of pyrotechnics and visuals. The five-minute entrance amounts to a mere five seconds in the ring, as Cell Block once again drops the ball and proves himself to be a resounding disappointment. The slimy Swamp Creature gets a quick pin. Reverse Cowboy is next man out, attired in full cowboy gear. He hits the bronco buster on three separate occasions before getting disqualified for ensnaring his opponent with trademark lasso. The ring is now entirely covered in green slime, as Swamp Creature has oozed all over it. Lieutenant Armyman is next to run the gauntlet and receives a near-deafening pop. The ex-Heavyweight Champion makes short work of Swamp Creature and pins him after he hits the Armymancanrana.

Armyman dominates the match from here on in, picking off all comers – Monobrow McEyebrow III, Pink Queen, Don Mafioso and Agent Zero all feel the wrath of the man dressed like a toy soldier. William Black’s music hits and he comes out to a lot of heat. People really don’t seem to like this guy. Surprisingly there are no sneak attacks along the way, and Armyman wrestles a polite, clean match with him. Black falls victim to the Armyman Slam and a quick three-count. He heads backstage, safe and secure. The final surprise entrant is Clancy McClean. There’s a lot of heat on McClean here but the crowd really want to see the showdown between himself and Armyman. What follows is difficult to surmise: Clancy whispers something to Armyman, who then simply falls flat on his back, allowing Clancy to pin him. Clancy McClean becomes 2005 Neophyte of the Year. He makes a brief speech afterwards, which upon further inspection is word-for-word what John Taylor said to Sean “Magic” Fiery after beating him to become 2004 Lord of the Coliseum. The usual chants of “bullshit” are drowned out by pre-recorded cheers.

William Black is shown approaching his car in the parking lot but gets knocked down by a big bus containing the entire IGW roster. The show comes to a close.

[Lone Gunman]

Lieutenant Armyman Action Figure - Available Now!

IGW's second-biggest superstar Lieutenant Armyman has been immortalised in this 2-inch-tall, green, plastic collectors' item! Be the first of your friends to enjoy this robust, fully-opposable action figure.

Available now for a mere $59.99 in all good toy stores.

_{Disclaimer: Action figure is neither opposable nor robust. Not safe for children of any age. Not technically a collectors' item.}

[Lone Gunman]

IGW ClancyFest '11 - LIVE ON PAY-PER-VIEW

The biggest night of the IGW year is upon us...seven months ahead of schedule and with little to no build-up or hype. The show is live from Madison Square Garden, and the place is virtually deserted. Clancy McClean and Tech Nishin’ are our announcers and they claim that the event has been sold out for months. Stock footage of a full arena (clearly not Madison Square Garden) is interweaved with clips of in-ring action and brooding black-and-white footage of Clancy himself walking on mountains, on top of skyscrapers and in the desert all come together to make perhaps the most bizarre intro video yet seen on IGW broadcasting. No tangible information as to the night’s card is given, leading one to believe that the rumours may be true and that IGW bookers (that is, Clancy and Clancy alone) makes this stuff up as he goes along.

A replay of William Black being hit by a big bus carrying the entire IGW roster is shown. Clancy explains that Black will be held liable for the damage to the paintwork on the front of the massive vehicle. A number of the roster members on the bus at the time – including Black’s wife and son – will also be suing the ever unpopular Black for punitive damages caused by the collision. We cut to a hospital somewhere, where William Black is holed up in a bed, bandaged from head to toe. Armed guards surround his bed, all too aware of the risk of unexpected sneak attacks without Black’s permission. Black breathes through a tube and is totally helpless. One guard suspects that a sneak attack is coming, so motions for his team to investigate. At once, the six-man team leave their post in order to look for the possible intruder. A moment passes before the six men return – now wearing fake noses and moustaches – and proceed to severely beat Black with the butts of their pistols. His bandages are bruised and bloody and he doesn’t even have the energy to cry out.

And that's the Pay-Per-View.

[Lone Gunman]

IGW NEWS ROUNDUP

A bizarre bidding war is allegedly underway between Insane Gods of Wrestling (IGW) and Creation Wrestling II for the services of mythical GZW2K1 developmental star The Kraken. Creation have announced that The Kraken in singles competition against Santa Claus at upcoming PPV event Heatrave. IGW have suddenly expressed an interest in getting the gargantuan sea monster to appear at an IGW event which the company insist will be taking place on the same day and at the exact same time as Creation’s broadcast. The Kraken was unavailable for comment.

In Demand: The Kraken is the hottest thing on the indy circuit right now, fielding bids from both IGW and Creation Wrestling II.

In other IGW news, fans were reportedly outraged at the recent PPV broadcast “ClancyFest ‘11”, which only ran for four of the scheduled 120 minutes and featured no live action whatsoever. IGW’s parent company CMC Corporation have flatly refused to provide refunds for upset fans, but IGW itself has released a statement proclaiming that upcoming special broadcast “One Night in Return to Manchester Again” will be even better (and better than Creation’s PPV).

William Black has asked to be released from his IGW contract. His request was denied and he was subsequently jumped and beaten up by his own legal advisors.

[Lone Gunman]

IGW’s “A Night to Remember”

[/center]

We’re live from The Church facility in San Francisco, California. Clancy McClean and Tech Nishin’ are our commentators for the evening. McClean announces that the venue is sold out ten times over (whatever that means), and for once the arena does actually look pretty packed. McClean tells us that tonight will be a night to remember for any amount of reasons: A new champion will be crowned, although Clancy fails to specify the particular championship to which he is referring; William Black will be reunited with his long-lost wife and son; GZW2K1 developmental star The Kraken will make his IGW debut and Clancy will personally respond to the open challenge laid out by Chris Cairns earlier this week. This is as close to a conventional wrestling show intro as IGW has had since McClean took the reins, and it gives this reporter hope – until the show’s intro video turns out to be a screening of the 1958 motion picture A Night to Remember in its 123-minute entirety.

Two hours and a black-and-white docudrama about the doomed maiden voyage of the Titanic later, the show begins proper. Our first match sees Ace the Face taking on “The Lean Grandad” Lord John Traynor in a match being billed as “Young vs. Old!” A brief hype package precedes the match to the tune of Vangelis’ “Chariots of Fire” as McClean provides a voiceover explaining that the rivalry between these two has been ongoing (off-screen) for some time now: Ace the Face has been skateboarding on the footpath in front of Traynor’s retirement home, stealing his false teeth, repeatedly shooting jagged rocks at the old age pensioner’s glaucoma-riddled eyes with a slingshot and so on. For some reason, Ace the Face is being hyped as a monster heel now. Ace’s parents sign over their consent for their teenage son to compete, whilst Traynor’s doctor signs a medical release form. The two have no chemistry whatsoever: Traynor dozes off into a deep sleep during a collar-and-elbow tie-up, Ace lacks the upper body strength to take down the old man with an attempted DDT and so opts to lock the already sleeping granddad in a sleeper hold. Traynor responds by waking up and, disoriented, knocks Ace out cold with his walking stick. Ace wins via DQ. Traynor collapses and is carried out on a stretcher as McClean makes a series of altogether quite insensitive jokes at the old man’s expense.

Lieutenant Armyman arrives backstage and gets a huge pop. He bumps into William Black, who looks extremely dishevelled: Hair out of place, sweating profusely and wearing his shirt on backwards. Armyman as locker room leader asks Black what’s wrong. Black explains that he has absolutely had it with the constant sneak attacks and that tonight’s scheduled segment with his on-air “wife and son” is the last straw. He asks Armyman if he has a gun he can borrow, as he feels he needs it for protection. Why this is being shown exactly isn’t clear, as it doesn’t seem to be a work. Armyman gives Black a pat on the back and says he’ll take him to IGW’s resident psychotherapist who can help him work on his issues.

When we come back to ringside, the entire arena has been flooded in a few feet of water, nearly as high as the ring apron. The crowd are drenched and half submerged in murky water. Clancy explains that while the Black/Armyman segment was taking place, mythical sea monster The Kraken had his debut match. Unfortunately as all of the cameras were focused on the simultaneous backstage interchange between Armyman and Black, the only evidence of The Kraken having been here at all is the leftover seawater. According to Clancy, the 6,000 pound leviathan took on the formidable, two-dimensional team of Reverse Cowboy and Pink Queen in a handicap match and won. Citing that Creation Wrestling II could only manage to muster up a fish after having promised a sight of The Kraken, Clancy says that IGW really is the superior product. He reminds us also that Chris Cairns failed to make it past the first round of the 2005 Lord of the Coliseum tournament whilst Eddie Fever did.

Backstage once more, we’re inside the office of IGW’s resident psychotherapist, Dr. Billy Dowling-Road. The scene is fuzzy, but we can see that William Black is lying on the doctor’s couch. As the shot becomes clearer we see that Black is in fact tied down to the couch with dirty, rusty chains. The doctor comes into the shot and covers Black’s face with a soiled cloth. Lieutenant Armyman – the company’s top face – then appears with a big bucket of ice cold water and begins to pour it over Black’s face. Black cries out in terror and helplessly flails about. Clancy explains for the viewers at home that Armyman and Dowling-Road are waterboarding Black, and is quick to clarify that waterboarding is a legitimate therapeutic practice and not in fact a form of torture. Armyman and the psychotherapist high-five each other and giggle as Black experiences the sensation of drowning on live television.

Clancy hits the ring with his IGW Heavyweight title belt and claims that he no longer has any need for it. Chris Cairns’ recent open challenge to Clancy has made him realise that he must drop the belt in order to venture onto GZW2K1 TV once again to teach Cairns a lesson - He accepts Cairnsy’s challenge and wants the match to take place at Heatwave 8. The crowd go nuts. Clancy drops the belt onto the mat and invites any member of the IGW roster to come and claim it. Long-absent Clarence “Reject” Bachman storms out, much to Clancy’s surprise, and Clancy promptly hands over the title without any hesitation. Reject is now the IGW Champion.

Back at the announce table, Clancy says that everything has been wrapped up nicely – there’s a new champion, he answered Chris Cairns’ challenge and the Kraken made his debut. Tech Nishin’ asks about the billed reunion between William Black and his on-air family, which clearly has not happened. Clancy claims that the Kraken ate Black’s wife and son, who will never be seen again. Black himself, however, will feature heavily on the next show and will spend the next two weeks in intensive training – consisting of non-stop waterboarding – before he challenges new IGW Heavyweight Champion Reject for the title. End show.

[Lone Gunman]

IGW BOAST NEW SIGNINGS

Clancy McClean has spared no expense in signing up the hottest talent on the indy circuit for his beloved IGW. McClean has reportedly decided to move away from the cartoony image his promotion has come to be associated with, aiming instead for a grittier, more cutting-edge product. New names include:

Nuclear Boss: Arch-enemy of Professor Clumsy. Once a leading nuclear physicist, now a psychotic maniac with a PhD in revenge!

John Baby: A month-old infant, the posterbaby for Clancy's new strategy for developing future talent from an early age.

Pitfighter: Incessant smoker of weed sigareets, this grizzled veteran has the munchies for success and championship! Useless worker but comes cheap and with a strange cult following.

Book Nerd: Poorly thought-out "geek" gimmick - booked as an unpopular loser heel who is regularly picked on and bullied by top babyfaces like Lieutenant Armyman.

Insincere: Carbon copy of GZW2K1 legend Sincere. New tag team partner for King Monark.

The Southern Dandy Redneck Hillbilly Consortium: Large extended family of at least 10 new active wrestlers. Clancy McClean cites his new stable as proof that IGW is the market leader for innovation and creativity.

[Lone Gunman]

IGW PRESENTS “THE CHRIS CAIRNS SHOW” LIVE ON PAY-PER-VIEW

This oddly-titled PPV event is taking place live from Newgrange, Ireland. Instead of utilising the breathtaking scenery of one of the world’s oldest heritage sites, the show’s opening package sees a static image of a crude crayon drawing of Sir Chris Cairns wetting his pants in front of the Queen of England (assumedly some sort of stupid, late-pass reference to Cairns’ knighthood ceremony) while Radiohead’s seminal album Kid A plays in its entirety. 49 minutes and 57 seconds later and the drawing is thankfully replaced with live footage from the picturesque event site. Clancy McClean and Tech Nishin’ are on commentary and they welcome us to the show. The large tomb of Newgrange is visible in the background as a ring and makeshift ‘arena’ has been set up on the grassy hill on which it sits. The crowd is apparently a capacity one, although most appear to be indifferent tourists bussed in to view the historic monument and having no interest or prior knowledge of the live wrestling event taking place in their midst. The whole thing is a bit strange, more ambitious than clever. There are all sorts of missed opportunities in the execution and it doesn’t really work.

Our first match sees the debut of hotly tipped youngster and IGW’s great white hope, 1-month-old John Baby. Baby is wheeled out to the ring in a pram to a waiting opponent in King Monark. The grizzled veteran seems incredibly uncomfortable at the prospect of having to wrestle an infant, sweating profusely. Ever the professional however, Monark does his best and sells John Baby’s offense of pokes, gummy chews and so on. It appears to be all over when Monark drops the tiny child with a vertical suplex but Baby turns the tables with a soiled-nappy stinkface to pick up the win. Clancy McClean inducts John Baby into the IGW Hall of Icons directly after the match.

It begins to rain heavily at the outdoor site, causing a number of technical breakdowns in sound and visual equipment. IGW’s new monster heel stable The Southern Dandy Redneck Hillbilly consortium come out to the ring in a caravan towed by a couple of horses. None of the hillbillies seem to have names or even basic levels of characterisation although they do seem to be the genuine article. Disregarding entirely the decorum expected for a UNESCO-protected, thousands of years-old heritage site, the twenty or so men, women and children throw a party of sorts in the ring – drinking heavily, smoking, fighting amongst themselves etc. This goes on for at least fifteen minutes with very little structure whatsoever. Eventually they leave of their own accord, leaving all sorts of litter in their wake. One turnbuckle is on fire and they appear to have stolen the top rope from one side of the ring.

Clancy McClean hits the ring and goes on a lengthy diatribe on GZW2K1’s efforts to steal William Black away from IGW. There is an ongoing conspiracy between GZW2K1 and Creation Wrestling II, according to Clancy, and both outfits are trying to make a fast buck on Black’s coattails – which, McClean is quick to point out, are McClean’s property. He announces that the first IGW star to bring William Black back – dead or alive – will become the new IGW Heavyweight Champion. Straight away, Lieutenant Armyman comes to the ring and says he is the man for the job. Armyman, the company’s top babyface, claims that he has been having very dark thoughts since losing the title over a year ago and that if he doesn’t get it back soon he is liable to go on a shooting spree in a public area, possibly a school or hospital. This doesn’t appear to be a work at all and scarily gets a huge pop from those in the crowd that are here for the wrestling show. Armyman then sets off on foot, intent on marching the many thousand miles to wherever GZW2K1 are currently based.

The long-running feud between Professor Clumsy and Nuclear Boss is to be settled next in a nuclear-waste-on-a-pole match. Ringside assistants roll out a heavy, rusty drum with warning signs all over it. McClean claims that it contains legitimate and very dangerous nuclear waste. The ringside assistants gingerly roll the barrel into the ring and hoist it up onto the top turnbuckle, the very same one that had been on fire two segments ago. A small amount of luminous green fluid trickles out of the barrel and burns a small little hole right through the ring. The two bitter rivals come out at once – there is some confusion as they apparently have the same theme music, “Stuck in the Middle With You” by Stealers’ Wheel – and awkwardly walk side-by-side to the ring. The match would almost be decent were it not for Clumsy’s trademark clumsiness – he trips and falls at least 20 times at random points throughout the match. Any times when it appears that Clumsy is actually focussed on wrestling, McClean screams like a petulant child at him and instructs him to be more clumsy. It should be pointed out that McClean laughs his ass off at each and every one of Clumsy’s “bumps”. The match comes to an end when Clancy gets up on the ring apron, opens the barrel and pours it all over both men. Screams and searing flesh ring out through the drizzling rain as the match is declared a no contest and we go to commercial break.

Book Nerd is backstage (that is, on the far side of the Newgrange monument) sitting quietly, minding his own business and reading an information booklet about the heritage site. A look of fascination and a thirst for knowledge are visible on the young man’s face as he reads away. Suddenly a gang of the company’s more popular babyfaces including Ace the Face, John Baby and Nazal Haire approach and are led by Lieutenant Armyman (who, continuity dictates, should no longer be at the event site). They interrupt Book Nerd and take turns calling him a “political correctness” and a “pussy”. Armyman rips the booklet from the inoffensive young man’s grip and wipes his painted-green ass with it. The other babyfaces rob Book Nerd’s wallet and leave the scene laughing and high-fiving each other. It really seems as though Clancy McClean doesn’t understand the concept of heels and faces.

Monobrow McEyebrow III comes out to the ring and claims he has very important footage for the world to see. What follows is a grainy home movie of a small, monobrowed baby running around naked, wearing his mother’s pearls and so on. Clancy McClean claims that this is footage of Chris Cairns taken by an IGW candid camera during Cairns’ knighthood ceremony at Buckingham Palace. In all likelihood the child in the video is Monobrow McEyebrow himself and not Cairns at all. Clancy then tells us that the heritage site is closing now and as such the home movie was our Pay-Per-View main event. Some boos ring out as the rain really starts to hammer down and the buses arrive to pick up the tourists and fans.

The show comes to a close as most of the IGW roster sit cross-legged in a circle inside the ancient Newgrange tomb (where, it must be said, photography of any kind is strictly forbidden). They are all wearing hooded cloaks and are chanting something in the style of the pre-Christian settlers that built the tomb might have 5,000 years ago. The camera zooms out to reveal that they are burning an effigy of William Black and toasting marshmallows on the flames. New signing Pitfighter, who hasn't been seen at all on the show, lights a weed sigareet as we come to a complete fade.

[Lone Gunman]

IGW Presents “GZW2K1 CRIMSON JULY 6TH, 2005” Live on PPV – August 14th 2012

Another day and another unannounced Pay-Per-View broadcast from IGW. I don’t even know whether to acknowledge the event’s title. In fact, I don’t think I will. The show’s opening segment is a black-and-white night cityscape. A thick fog hangs in the air, through which emerges the brooding – and portly – figure of Clancy McClean, for some reason sporting a long black trench coat. While this clearly isn’t an appropriate opening for a wrestling show, there is a certain level of intrigue. McClean wanders the deserted streets in a most mysterious fashion, a stern look on his face. This continues for a few minutes as all sorts of blatant foreshadowing takes place at random intervals – on-and-off rain, police sirens, the cawing of a crow and even a child’s scream – and it looks as though we may have something of at least some dramatic merit on our hands. Intrigue and suspense have been missing for so long from IGW broadcasting…and remain so as the entire thing is revealed to be a complete red herring. Clancy comes to a stop, produces a thick book from his pocket, and gives a complete reading of James Joyce’s epic modernist novel Ulysses. Roughly 1,000 pages and some 13 hours later, at precisely 8.13am, the IGW logo appears on screen and we are ready for the show.

Fireworks and actual rockets take off from within The Church facility in San Francisco, California as the roof is razed, quite literally. The rockets tear massive holes through the small building’s ceiling and leave a half-dozen fires smouldering atop the rafters. Clancy McClean and Tech Nishin’ are our commentators for the morning and welcome us to the show. They promise they have a series of real treats in store. Clancy raises the issue of Creation Wrestling II’s recent slapdash attempt at a TV broadcast and how it reeked of desperation, citing the recent broadcast of GZW2K1’s SubZero as having more to offer in the areas of entertainment value, structure and overall quality. Tech boldly brings up Chris Cairns’ accusation that Clancy is William Black’s biological father. Clancy dodges the question entirely and tells us that our opening bout is moments away.

New Hall of Icons member and toothless infant John Baby hits the ring and delivers a promo of squeals, wails, cries and burps. Clancy declares the five-minute outburst as better than anything he has seen on GZW2K1 TV in years and dubs John Baby the best talker in the business (after McClean himself, of course). Clancy hits the ring and rocks the exhausted 1-month-old to sleep, puts him in his pram and sends him on his way. It is unclear just what was meant by this segment being a ‘bout’ at all. When Tech Nishin’ raises this question with Clancy, Clancy announces that it was a “You’re Fired” match, that John Baby was the winner and that Tech Nishin’ is now fired and never to be seen or heard from again.

Backstage, Book Nerd – alleged “pussy” and “political correctness” and missing his wallet since the last broadcast - wanders the halls on something of a mission. He comes across Swamp Creature who is drinking toilet water from the Chris Cairns Creation Trophy (won by Jon Kellar in 2005). Book Nerd, sick of being bullied and feeling that if you can’t beat ‘em you should join ‘em, proceeds to bully Swamp Creature. Book Nerd calls Creech a “fat swamp bitch” and other similar names and tries to steal the Creation trophy. The trophy is made of such shoddy material however that it just comes apart in his hands and falls to rusty pieces on the floor. Boos ring out through the arena as it is clear that this bullying will not be tolerated. All of a sudden, Nazal Haire and John Baby – two of the party that robbed Book Nerd - show up and save the day. They tell Book Nerd that he’s impressing nobody with such behaviour and force him to apologise to Creech. They console the fat swamp bitch while Clancy sings their praises and says he’s delighted to have people of such integrity on his roster. Book Nerd begins to explain why he was bullying – that he is only trying to fit in as the new guy, but that his colleagues (including Haire and Baby) calling him names and robbing him led him to believe that that’s how things were done around here - but before he can get a word in edgeways the two babyfaces shove him head first into a locker, pull down his pants and take pictures of his rear end on their camera phones. Cheers ring out through the Church, shots of the crowd high-fiving bring us to a commercial break.

Roughly 14 hours into the wrestling PPV and we have our first wrestling match: A grudge match between Book Nerd and Swamp Creature. The match is back-and-forth and fairly fought, until Nazal Haire and John Baby storm the ring with most of the babyfaces on the roster in tow. Nazal says that they’re not finished with Book Nerd and want to teach him a lesson for bullying Swamp Creature. The two leaders begin to beat down the stereotypical and generally mild-mannered geek with the assist from Ace the Face, Pink Queen, Professor Clumsy, Clancy McClean and Tech Nishin’ (?). When they’re done they turn their sights on Swamp Creature himself and begin to pull his slimy hair and kick the crap out of him while calling him disparaging names about his weight and appearance. Cheers ring out once again and the crowd give their beloved heroes a standing ovation.

The Southern Dandy Hillbilly Redneck Consortium storm the ring like a hail of bullets next in what – judging by Clancy’s response – is an unscheduled appearance. There are least twice as many of them as there were at the Newgrange show, though still none appear to have names or be distinguishable characters in their own right. In fact it’s hard to tell if any of the men, women, children, horses, cattle and dogs that come to the ring were even at the previous event. They set up in the ring with a few steel chairs and hammocks and crack out several cases of beer. A number of them are entirely naked and are quickly blurred out. A deal more of them proceed to take off their clothes and, before long, the entire ring is blurred out. It’s not entirely clear what exactly is taking place in the blurry ring but there is a lot of swearing, panting, crying, whinnying, mooing and barking. Clancy has given up any semblance of commentary and can be heard shouting commands into his headset. After an awkward thirty minutes or so the live feed cuts.

We resume an hour and a half later (nearly 15 hours since the beginning of the broadcast). The ring is trashed, strewn with all sorts of garbage. Two turnbuckles are missing as are all the ring ropes. Clancy cites “technical issues” and moves swiftly on to our next match, which sees the return of “The Lean Grandad” Lord John Traynor, who has been out for six months after having his nineteenth triple-bypass. Clancy explains that the Grandad had been abusing sick-pay laws and trying to put off his return for far too long. As such he feels he has no choice but to show the frail, weak-hearted old man who’s boss, by pitting him against his old nemesis – and fastest competitor on the roster – Ace the Face. Ace visibly tries to take it easy on the 94-year-old, to which Clancy takes exception. Clancy grabs a microphone and tells us that the match is not moving at a fast enough pace and as such it’s now a ladder match. Ladders are set up in the ropeless ring. It looks very, very dangerous. The Lean Grandad, winded already, says he’s had enough and that he won’t be subjected to any further humiliation. Clancy then attacks the old man’s doctor and robs his heart medicine, demanding it be placed high above the ring, chuckling loudly to himself as his orders are reluctantly carried out by a number of ringside assistants. Without explanation the feed cuts again.

A highlight package of Clancy McClean pinning Chris Cairns live on PPV from all sorts of different angles plays to the tune of “Superbeast” by Rob Zombie. Text scrolls past reminding stupid viewers that the 2005 Neophyte of the Year gauntlet did in fact take place (on IGW TV in 2011) and that Clancy McClean is the only Grand Slam Champion in GZW2K1 history.

The live feed resumes once more and Clancy issues a formal statement in the ring. Due to a cease-and-desist order by newly-formed lobby group Age Action Against IGW, the character of “The Lean Grandad” John Traynor must now be played by a younger wrestler. Puffs of weed sigareet smoke engulf the stage as Pitfighter – now competing as “The Lean Grandad” – runs to the ring, smoking weed sigareets with one hand and punching fans with the other. The ladder match goes on as planned, and is like something from a backyard wrestling VHS. The ring totally unsecured due to the missing turnbuckles and ropes, ladders send the competitors all the way to the arena floor, sometimes into the crowd. Pitfighter/Grandad accidentally sets fire to one ladder with a weed sigareet and picks up the win by setting fire to the teenager with it. Apparently that’s how you win a ladder match.

As the ring is now completely destroyed, our main event for the evening will be a “Bathroom Brawl” featuring the entire roster, with the winner replacing the banished Tech Nishin’ as IGW’s newest commentator. The match is a complete free-for-all, with no clear structure and no way of winning. Book Nerd, who doesn’t appear to be in the match, is crying to himself in a stall when the door is kicked in by Nazal Haire and Professor Clumsy. They take turns flushing the geek’s head down the toilet before Professor Clumsy clumsily trips up and ends up headfirst in the toilet himself. The chaos continues out at the hand dryer as King Monark dries all the slime off Swamp Creature. Clancy tells us that both men are now eliminated, citing no reason whatsoever. Monobrow McEyebrow III is sculpting his monobrow in the mirror when McClean himself appears and shoves the man face-first into the glass, which shatters on impact. Clancy and a number of the Southern Dandy Hillbilly Redneck Consortium batter the man severely while Clancy shouts “Take that Cairns, you stupid prick!” over and over. Clancy then flees the scene back to the announce table. Out of breath, Clancy refers to Monobrow specifically as “Chris Cairns” and tells us that he won’t be showing his face around here again. The match itself ends when Lieutenant Armyman arrives back from his hunt for William Black. He bursts into the bathroom area with a hooded hostage in tow as we cut to a commercial break!

We return from break and the bathroom is empty save for Armyman and his mysterious hostage. Clancy explains that during the commercial break everyone else in the Bathroom Brawl was eliminated. McClean communicates directly with Armyman over the intercom system and congratulates him for returning William Black. Clancy says that he will confirm whether or not he is Black’s biological father once Armyman removes Black’s hood. The anticipation is off the charts as Armyman undoes the tight noose around his captive’s neck and (extremely) slowly begins to take off the black hood. His hostage struggles and tries to resist but (extremely) slowly he is revealed to be none other than Tech Nishin’! A collective gasp goes up through the Church as the camera pans from the crowd, to close-up Clancy (in shock), to close-up Armyman (in even more shock) and eventually to close-up Tech Nishin’ (LOLing evilly)! Like a flash, Nishin’ chokes Armyman out with the noose and proceeds to pin him! Shockingly, Nishin’ has won the Bathroom Brawl and must be reinstated as Clancy’s co-commentator! Clancy is furious at Nishin’ for weaselling back into his old job and even moreso at Armyman for failing to deliver Black…until he realises that he now is under no obligation to reveal whether or not he is Black’s father. Clancy claims all will be revealed at the next IGW PPV, whenever that may be. And with that, this stupid 18-and-a-half hour show is over.

[Lone Gunman]

IGW NEWS ROUNDUP

IGW are being sued by Canadian childrens’ TV production company Cookie Jar Group for its use of the introductory video and theme tune of obscure 1991 childrens’ TV show “Swamp Thing” in the entrance for IGW star Swamp Creature. IGW have claimed that the video and song are original IGW compositions although this is clearly not the case. The song itself is already a copy of the 1965 single “Wild Thing” originally recorded by the Wild Ones though later made famous by The Troggs. The suit is ongoing.

One of the many original compositions from IGW's Department of Creative Media and Pisscairnsology

IGW were scheduled to air a “special broadcast event” at the exact same time as upcoming GZW2K1 show Honorbound, though plans have changed at the last minute. The IGW event was tentatively titled “Connorbound” and was due to be mainly a celebration of minor former GZW2K1 competitor Connor O’Riley’s ineffectual and forgettable career. Clancy McClean however decided to can the idea and instead attend GZW2K1’s show in Japan.

A poor quality animated GIF image circulating the internet allegedly portraying current IGW Heavyweight Champion The Kraken in action has caused a massive stir within the industry. For over a year the feud between McClean and Sir Chris Cairns has been sustained in large part by Cairns’ accusation that The Kraken does not exist and is simply a marketing ploy on McClean’s part. McClean claims that the low resolution, quite clearly digitally altered GIF image is conclusive proof to the contrary and has launched a countersuit against Cairns and Creation Wrestling II for defamation.

The GIF image, due to be released as a standalone PPV event in place of IGW's Connorbound event

Lieutenant Armyman, whose real name cannot be disclosed for legal reasons, is due to appear before the International Court of Justice in The Hague, allegedly for war crimes. No further details are available at this time although McClean has apparently replaced the former IGW Heavyweight Champion with an actual plastic toy soldier for all upcoming events.

Is this the next IGW Heavyweight Champion?

[Lone Gunman]

IGW RUMOUR CITY

Clancy McClean's IGW promotion - recently issued with its 46th challenge from Chris Cairns to show its alleged Heavyweight Champion The Kraken live on air - made a shocking stopover in Manchester last night. During a routine house show - at the sold-out Old Trafford stadium, home to Chris Cairns' favourite football team Manchester United and during which The Kraken definitely appeared and was defending its title - a mysterious newcomer interfered and injured The Kraken. The Kraken has now been put on the shelf indefinitely and unfortunately can make no more public appearances until further notice. The newcomer in question is an ape-like cryptid hailing from the Himalayan Region of Nepal fighting under the ring-name The Abominable Snowman, and is now the new IGW Heavyweight Champion.

Though no confirmation has yet been received, it is heavily expected that McClean and IGW will try to also snap up The Abominable Snowman's American cousin, Bigfoot and use the two to bolster the promotion's fledgling tag team division. It is said that the division has really fallen by the wayside since Creation Wrestling II poached then-Tag Team champions William Black's Wife and Son.

[Lone Gunman]

IGW have today released information regarding their soon-to-be-released range of digital media apps, widgets and games in conjunction with Billy Diamond-Remarkable's Media Muppet network. Titles include but are by no means limited to:

Who Wants to be a Squillionaire?
Convoluted and insanely difficult quiz game featuring Clancy McClean as the quizmaster. Though it follows the basic format of old favourite Who Wants to be a Millionaire, the player in this case faces a series of one squillion (roughly 1,000,000^1000000) multiple choice questions. Remarkably, any successful candidate will actually win one squillion dollars. On the flip side, unsuccessful candidates will enter into real debt with the CMC Corporation, up to a maximum value of one million dollars.

Lieutenant Armyman’s Black Ops – The App
Whilst competitors/imitators can muster up a mere first-person shooter, this app (not game) teaches users a series of increasingly more difficult (and less legal) forms of coercion and torture to use against enemies of the United States. Learn how to set up a waterboard room in your own utility closet. Never shell out another cent for rudimentary electric shock equipment. Not a game.

William Black’s Sealed Records
This app (not game) provides the user with access to every document on (and off) record relating to “IGW’s Bastard Son” William Black. Birth Certificate mentioning that he was born with not just one but five tails? Naturally. Elementary school report card mentioning that he doesn’t mix well with others? Of course. Divorce records examining in detail his sexual incompetence (including testimony from William Black’s wife and son)? We’ve got ‘em. No fan’s collection is complete without the extensive, personal and out-of-character records of this hated figure.

The Adventures of the Abominable Snowman 3D
Though to the untrained eye, this may appear to be a port of old Microsoft game SkiFree merely turned upside down, trust us when we say that this sprawling epic is 100% original content. 3D graphics that would make an XBOX360 blush will have your mouth watering as you – taking on the persona of IGW’s fearsome Heavyweight Champion the Abominable Snowman – traverse the treacherous Himalayas on a quest for championship gold and human blood! Game is not necessarily original nor 3D.

Footage from the game or possibly from a recent IGW broadcast? Both.

True Kraken: Streets of LA
Poorly doctored version of poorly-received PS2 title True Crime: Streets of LA with IGW legend The Kraken replacing the main character. Clancy McClean cites this as definitive proof that The Kraken is real.

[Lone Gunman]

IGW PRESENTS “SUPER CLANCY MCCLEAN MARIO KART” LIVE ON PPV

This event comes to us live from outside Sir Chris Cairns’ house. No expense has been spared setting up a garish makeshift arena on the pavement just outside Cairns’ private residence. The road is blocked completely for half a mile in every direction and loud dubstep music is constantly blaring, seemingly not related to the show itself and with the speakers pointed specifically at Cairns’ house. The crowd consists of a fairly nasty element of hooligans and altogether antisocial-looking young men. Clancy tells us that many of them are ex-convicts and he has bussed them in especially from the inner city. After the show he has arranged for a shanty town to be set up and the dangerous crowd will then stay in the area for a few weeks.

Clancy McClean and Tech Nishin’ are on commentary, though it is Nishin’ that introduces the show as McClean is busy throwing rotten eggs at Cairns’ house whilst laughing to the point of dribbling on himself.

Our first match sees the most important baby in the history of professional wrestling, John “Monarch” Baby taking on King Monark. The match is dubbed as a bitter rematch from recent IGW PPV event “The Chris Cairns”, though in actuality it is clearly a replay of the tape of that very match, complete with old commentary. The feed seems to accidentally cut to the live scene at Chris Cairns’ house, where Clancy is urinating against the exterior wall. Without explanation we cut back to the re-run of the Baby/Monark match and see it through to its conclusion.

New IGW Heavyweight Champion The Abominable Snowman hits the ring next. This humanoid cryptid is certainly interesting to look at, and this is really the time that his character should begin to be established. Instead, the Snowman is handed a piece of paper by Clancy and begins to read it out. What ensues is about five minutes’ worth of Chris Cairns-related jokes, insults and occasionally complete slander. This exciting segment is taken up a notch when bitter former Heavyweight Champion Lieutenant Armyman interrupts proceedings to a massive pop from the crowd. Armyman is angry that the Snowman has just waltzed into the company and become the champion. Armyman vows that he will wipe Snowman off the face of the planet – just like he and his fellow soldiers caused the extinction of a number of rare and exotic animals during a recent unsanctioned and illegal tour of regional Afghanistan. The crowd go wild in adoration. He adds further that that particular tour saw a huge number of innocent civilian casualties. Seemingly an afterthought, Armyman then lays down a challenge to the Abominable Snowman for the title in tonight’s main event.

Next, a five-star match between John “Creative” Juices and Insincere takes place. The match is legitimately as good a pure wrestling bout as you’re likely to see anywhere, though focus is taken off the wrestling itself when McClean fails to call the match and opts instead to go on a lengthy rant about the poor quality of Creation Wrestling II’s product, citing recent “Creation Crapper” storyline as a fine example of the kind of toilet humour Cairns – whom Clancy reminds us is incontinent and has pissed on a chair before – is reduced to pulling out in a pathetic effort to compete with the superior IGW brand. McClean also claims that the “Creation Crapper” is the least crap thing about Creation. The match goes on for about twenty minutes, as does Clancy, who rehashes the same points a number of times while managing to contradict himself at every step. As the match comes to a close, Clancy seems a little bored and has started to make fart noises with his armpit.

Backstage, The Abominable Snowman is lacing up his Abominable Snowboots in preparation for his upcoming title match. Suddenly a similar looking ape-like figure bursts into the dressing room (which is actually a portaloo set up just at the boundary of Cairns’ property, with piping leading away from the toilet and over Cairns’ wall into his garden). The newcomer, identical to the Snowman though with brown fur, introduces himself to the camera (while ignoring the Snowman) as Bigfoot. He says that he is here to help his cousin capture the tag team titles. The Snowman cuts him off, points out that he is already the Heavyweight champion and doesn’t care about the stupid tag team titles. Bigfoot, disappointed, departs the scene.

Lieutenant “Magic” Armyman comes to the ring and says that he is ready to meet his destiny and reclaim his Heavyweight title. First, though, he wants to get a bit of practice in. Most of the roster that haven’t been utilised to this point – favourites such as Jai-Ray, Swamp Creature, Cell Block and Pink Queen – come to the ring one by one and proceed to be squashed in the most ridiculous fashion by the painted green Armyman. This sort of thing does nothing for anybody, although it just makes most of the roster look incredibly weak. Just as Armyman seems smug and content, the arena (that is, the footpath outside Chris Cairns’ house) is engulfed in thick weed sigareet smoke and Pitfighter hits the ring! He then inexplicably squashes Armyman with a number of moves he has never used before, including a Big Boot, and declares himself the new challenger. The smoke hasn’t settled, and a quick camera pan from the announce booth (where Clancy is conspicuously absent) over Cairns’ wall reveals that someone has set his car on fire. Clancy, covered in soot and smoke, returns to the announce booth and laughs ostentatiously to himself.

Pitfighter, actually the new number one contender, remains in the ring as “This Shit Will Fuck You Up” by Combichrist hits and out comes The Abominable Snowman. He runs to the ring, does The Big Abominable Snowman Spin and then squashes Pitfighter in a two minute anticlimax. Sirens are heard in the background as fire engines and police arrive on the scene and shut the whole thing down. The live feed abruptly cuts and for the remaining hour or so left on the PPV we are treated to a static image of the Abominable Snowman.