Insane Gods of Wrestling

[Lone Gunman]

“IGW TV” LIVE ON PAY-PER-VIEW

The Abominable Snowman and Pitfighter – now good friends, and apparently the new IGW Tag Team champions – are in the backstage area beating up young fans at an autograph booth as a number of awestruck parents stand around taking photos and cheering. This is the first time in recent memory an IGW broadcast has utilised the “cold open” and there doesn’t seem to be any great rationale behind it. The scene continues for about five minutes, a number of the children involved looking seriously the worse for wear, until we fade to a “Kids, don’t try this at home” advert.

For the first time ever, a standard wrestling show opening package plays. As you’d expect with anything other than IGW, there are highlights shown of relevant wrestlers and up-to-date feuds and the whole thing is accompanied by some contemporary, cool music. Clancy McClean and Tech Nishin’ are on commentary. They welcome us to the show without pomp nor ceremony.

Clancy McClean is backstage (?) in a meeting with his lawyer, Mupert Rartin. McClean says he wants to press full, criminal charges against Chris Cairns and the Creation Wrestling II roster for breaking and entering on his property and associated criminal damage. Rartin agrees and says that they have a very strong case considering all the visual evidence.

Back to the ringside area and Clancy McClean is half-way through a rant about how Chris Cairns is a liar and that he never went near Clancy’s private island. Clancy calls Cairnsy “all talk” and says that he would straight-up kill Cairns if he were here right now. He swiftly moves on and announces that – for the third straight PPV event – John Baby and King Monark will open the show in yet another grudge match. King Monark pushes the 6 or so month old infant (and his bitter rival) out to the ring in a pram. Then he slides the baby into the ring and the two begin to tussle. John Baby – who is an IGW Hall of Icons Icon, lest we forget – wins the match with a devastating collar-and-elbow tie-up.

We cut backstage where Clancy McClean (?) stands by a large door. He claims that on the other side, a number of Creation Wrestling II stars, including Cracker Jack and Spike Summers, are desperately trying to get in and become a part of IGW. McClean laughs off the suggestion and points out that Chris Cairns is the only promoter around so desperate for talent that he needs to steal from other promotions, citing the recent news of Jay Jameson’s imminent Creation debut as a prime example of Cairnsy’s pathetic recycling of established, though has-been GZW2K1 stars. Pitfighter, Jai-Ray, Cell Block and William Black all arrive on the scene and tell Clancy how great he is, that he’s right and stress that IGW is all about original, home-grown talent.

Clancy hits the ring while the theme tune from popular HBO television show “Game of Thrones” blares throughout the arena. He speaks briefly about Chris Cairns’ recent act of trespass on his private island and says that he’ll be the bigger man and not retaliate. Clancy then realises that he has previously denied that Cairns and the CWII roster ever actually went near his home and moves on swiftly. He brings up the topic of his apparent paternity of William Black, thinks the better of it, and moves on swiftly. Seemingly at a loss for something to say, he announces that tonight will see the 2012 Neophyte of the Year tournament, which will be subtitled “GZW2K1 Lord of the Coliseum” for sake of ease. The crowd go wild.

Clancy says that he could, if he wanted to, run through the brackets in advance and give a general layout of the tournament. Instead, he opts to utilise the element of surprise and let the chips fall where they may. This gets quite a pop, it must be said. Still in the ring, he announces that he will be entering and that the next IGW star who dares to come out will be his opponent. Without hesitation, Jon Kellar’s GZW2K1 theme music plays and out comes Lieutenant Armyman! The crowd are orgasmic as the painted-green military figure marches to the ring. He slides into the ring and cuts a promo about his ongoing trial at the Hague for war crimes and crimes against humanity. No matter what this legitimate psychopath says, the crowd eat it up. Tech Nishin’, alone on commentary, points out that Armyman and Clancy have some proper beef and that this is the sort of feud that really could be a tournament final. Failing that, it could be a dark horse for match of the night. It doesn’t matter anyway as Clancy squashes Armyman with his famous big boot and moves on to the next round.

Next up, John Baby is back out and set to take on a “mystery opponent”. Tech Nishin’ makes the fair point that everyone in the tournament is effectively a “mystery opponent” as we don’t know the entrants. He is swiftly removed from the commentary booth and replaced with tapes of Clancy McClean commentating previous IGW events, including previous matches that are definitely not happening now. Weed sigareet smoke engulfs the stage as none other than reigning IGW Tag Team champion Pitfighter emerges and stumbles groggily down to the ring, his hands bloody from beating up young fans.

Funnily enough, the hazy smoke remains for about half an hour. A voiceover announces that the quarter- and semi-finals are now over. The results are as follows: In the quarter-finals, Pitfighter beat John Baby by knockout, having put him to sleep with a scintillating lullaby; IGW Champion The Abominable Snowman defeated his cousin Bigfoot with a small package and Professor Clumsy defeated (and killed) Nuclear Boss by feeding him a sandwich containing radioactive butter. In the semi-finals, Clancy McClean made short work of Pitfighter (who until now had been receiving a massive, undeserved push) and The Abominable Snowman literally ate and spat out Professor Clumsy, who was subsequently disqualified by count out. The final will thus be Clancy McClean versus IGW Champion The Abominable Snowman.

I would just like to point out how many opportunities in terms of actual feuds with real, quantifiable heat that Clancy and his bookers have missed with this tournament. However, before I can do that, Clancy announces that the final will definitely not happen tonight and will instead take place at some point in the future. The show cuts to black and that’s that.

[Lone Gunman]

IGW “DRIVE (2011) STARRING RYAN GOSLING” LIVE ON PPV 1 OCTOBER 2012

This, the first IGW show in well over a year to have been formally scheduled, begins three hours later than the advertised time. Apparently Clancy McClean had been watching recent Ryan Gosling film “Drive” and lost track of time. The show opens as Clancy drives a sports car out onto the stage and into the small arena. He circles the ringside area for roughly an hour and ten minutes as the entire soundtrack from the aforementioned film is blared over the house speakers. Finally, Clancy parks up, blocking a fire exit, and gets out of the car. He is wearing the jacket worn by Gosling’s character in the film, a garish golden jacket with a scorpion on the back. He enters the ring and refers to himself as “The Scorpion”, “The Driver” and “Ryan Gosling” and welcomes us to the show. He makes no reference to (and certainly no apologies about) the fact that the show should’ve begun over four hours ago. He joins Tech Nishin’ on commentary and we’re good to go.

We’re treated to a highlight package of the ongoing King Monark/John Baby feud. Clancy explains that as a forfeit for losing last week’s match, King Monark has become John Baby’s new babysitter. Clancy points out that this is necessary due to the “interest” Chris Cairns has been showing recently in gaining custody of the several-month-old infant. Cairns, we are told, is a registered sex offender in a number of countries and King Monark has been strongarmed into protecting the innocent baby. We cut to backstage where King Monark is reading Salman Rushdie’s “The Satanic Verses” in a soothing voice. John Baby is fast asleep and all is well.

Book Nerd, now one of the company’s top babyfaces, comes to the ring and begins to cut a promo damning his bullying behaviour in the past, when all of a sudden the audience begin pelting him with rotten fruit and barbed insults about his sexuality and appearance. Clancy laughs and joins in and we go to a commercial break.

Lieutenant Armyman is in action next against Pitfighter. Clancy says that the winner will be declared the number one contender to the IGW Heavyweight title. Tech Nishin’ then reminds Clancy that as of the last show, Clancy himself was the number one contender leading into the final of this year’s Neophyte of the Year (subtitled “GZW2K1 Lord of the Coliseum”) tournament. Clancy says that none of that rings a bell and that we will press on as planned. The match goes on for 45 minutes, though once again (and twice too many times if you ask me) the entire arena is gulfed in weed sigareet smoke so thick that it’s impossible to tell what’s going on in the ring. Clancy calls the action as if he can see exactly what’s happening and if that’s anything to go by it’s a great match. It ends in a draw, and Clancy announces that both men are thus disqualified from ever competing for the title again. He decides that he will challenge The Abominable Snowman in tonight’s main event for that very title. Tech Nishin’ sighs heavily.

A poor-quality torrent download of the film Drive plays for about an hour and a half, the audio and video totally out of sync.

Nuclear Boss – who apparently died last week – hits the ring and says that if Chris Cairns goes ahead with the release of his crap video game (the name of which he doesn’t recall, apparently), he will release specifically 7.5 tons of Krypton 85 – a radioactive substance known to cause skin cancer and death - into the Manchester Evening News Arena at the next Creation Wrestling II broadcast. Clancy and Tech Nishin’ play this one completely straight and we go to a commercial break.

Clancy begins to talk about how Chris Cairns is so desperate for attention for his promotion that he is literally giving away its top title to the winner of the GZW2K1 Lord of the Coliseum tournament. Clancy (now remembering it apparently) reminds us that his ongoing Neophyte of the Year event is subtitled “GZW2K1 Lord of the Coliseum” and as such the winner of that event – either himself or the Abominable Snowman – will walk out tonight with both IGW and Creation Wrestling II’s top title belts. The crowd find this an exciting prospect as we go to yet another commercial, bizarrely one for Super Uncle Sir Chris Cairns Kart.

The film Drive plays again in its entirety, this time with the audio cut out entirely. Clancy himself voices all the actors and changes the dialogue frequently to hurtful comments about Chris Cairns and his alleged “sick interest” in John Baby. Directly after this, the theatrical version of the film plays from start to finish.

Clancy introduces a brand new character called Rap Gangster. Clancy describes Rap Gangster as “a dangerous black man with inner city, legitimately criminal connections” and is a poorly thought out, borderline racist crossover between GZW2K1 Icons Jason Machiavelli and Tate “Troublesome” Edmonson. He takes on Bigfoot in their mutual debut match. Rap Gangster stands at roughly five feet in height, whilst Bigfoot seems to be twice that. They are totally mismatched and it doesn’t look right. Rap Gangster wins with “Clancy McClean’s Patented Big Boot” and then leaves the arena on a motorized pull-out sofa bed. Complete and utter filler/horse shit.

Our next “match” is a handicap match between The Southern Dandy Redneck Hillbilly Consortium (numbering at least 20 grown men and a handful of women and children) against the frail, elderly “Lean Grandad” Lord John Traynor. Clancy announces that Traynor’s “Lordship” is on the line, whatever that means. As one might expect, the 30:1 ratio in favour of the dangerous hillbillies gives them a quick, though brutal win. They continue to stomp and beat on the old man long after referee Willy Dowling-Read declares him knocked out. They steal his boots and eventually leave.

A quick cut back to King Monark and his uneventful babysitting of John Baby serves no purpose whatsoever.

Now it’s time for our main event: Clancy McClean challenges The Abominable Snowman for the IGW Heavyweight championship – and, by extension, the Creation World Heavyweight championship, as this is also the final of the IGW Neophyte of the Year “GZW2K1 Lord of the Coliseum” tournament. The Snowman drives to the ring on the same sofa bed that already-forgotten Rap Gangster left on earlier. He somersaults into the ring and dances vigorously, fur and hips gyrating, to the infectious sounds of his patented theme song “This Shit Will Fuck You Up” by Combichrist. “The God of Pain” The Abominable Snowman is ready for action, certainly. He performs “The Big Abominable Snowman Spin” for all the world to see but suddenly is knocked clean out by Clancy McClean with a particularly devastating “Clancy McClean’s Patented Big Boot”! The crowd are in a frenzy as the bell sounds to signify the match has begun. Clancy makes a leisurely pin and three seconds later all hell breaks loose! Streamers, glitter, small controlled explosions ring out throughout the church. Fires break out. Humans spontaneously combust... according to @mccleanigw on Twitter.Whatever way you paint it, Clancy McClean has just become the IGW Heavyweight Champion (for the 20th time) and also the undisputed Creation Wrestling World Heavyweight Champion! Clancy celebrates by getting back into his sports car, donning Ryan Gosling’s jacket from the film Drive, and driving apparently straight to Manchester to pick up his new title.

[Lone Gunman]

IGW NEWS ROUNDUP

Clancy McClean this week filed a libel suit against Sir Chris Cairns. The move follows months of Cairns’ claiming that McClean is legitimately dead, supposedly having died in unbecoming, urine-related circumstances on a Creation Wrestling II broadcast. Mupert Rartin, McClean’s attorney, says that McClean is alive and well and looks forward to “financially crippling Cairns and putting the Creation roster and associated staff out of work forever”.

Clancy McClean has also filed a suit against Sir Chris Cairns for actually killing him. Mupert Rartin, on behalf of McClean, says that they are going to “do Cairns for murder one, and look forward to leaving the children of anyone who works for Cairns poor, cold and hungry.”

Clancy McClean last month published another book of his memoirs – his seventeenth this year – entitled “The Creation Wrestling II World Heavyweight Championship and Me: Clancy McClean’s journey as Creation Wrestling II World Heavyweight Champion.” Clancy followed the book’s release with an exhaustive book-signing tour, during which he allowed fans to deface and vandalise the title belt itself. The book is currently the most downloaded eBook in Edinburgh, Scotland. Clancy McClean is the reigning Creation World Heavyweight champion.

Beloved IGW babyface Lieutenant Armyman is currently involved in a barricaded standoff at an army barracks in Atlanta, Georgia. Armyman – who is heavily armed - has locked himself and a number of young babies into a supply closet in protest of a ruling made against him during a recent disciplinary matter. This is day 45 of the ongoing siege, and the crazed Armyman has been talking of killing hostages soon, though strangely hasn’t made any demands. A vigil of dedicated IGW fans has set up a shanty town of sorts within the barracks in support of their hero, Lieutenant Armyman.

Lieutenant Armyman

IGW’s reigning World Heavyweight champion The Abominable “Wicked Ways Lord Deacon Kane” Snowman unveiled on Twitter his new ring attire: a cardboard mask of Leon Corbin’s face over his furry snowman mask, a leather jacket with the words “Entertainment Franchise Nathaniel Davis” embroidered in sequins on the back and a colourful pair of full-length tights with “Raze” written in gold down one leg and a drawing of new GZW2K1 signing KnightMask on the rear. IGW spokesman Billy JK Rowling-Deid later tweeted that the bizarre costume is the first of a number of planned cosmetic changes to ramp up the “sex appeal” of IGW and its stars. More to come, we assume.

[Lone Gunman]

Our show begins as “Ave Satani” from the Omen blares throughout “The Church” facility in San Francisco, California. IGW spokesman Billy JK Rowling-Deid marches out to the ring wearing a XXXXL T-Shirt that reads “I am Necron, the Grim Harvester...” on the front and “...and I’m a ‘Smooth Operator’ Billy Bond” on the back. IGW head honcho Clancy McClean – on commentary alongside Tech Nishin’ – comments in a humorous tone that Billy actually pays IGW to work for them. Without any prompting whatsoever, Clancy goes on to state that he is not joking whatsoever, and is in fact being deadly serious. Rowling-Deid, or “BDR” as Clancy calls him for short, is a failed director who was responsible for some absolutely terrible creative media output. His “work” with IGW, Clancy tells us, is part of a plea bargain with the Scottish police force. Clancy laughs hysterically for about five minutes as Rowling-Deid slides uncomfortably into the ring. A further ten to fifteen minutes of laughter follow, before Rowling-Deid – who hasn’t done anything other than stand in the ring – seems to have had enough, and slides out of the ring and walks back up the ramp. Clancy claims that in so doing he has broken the terms of his contract, and orders him to be immediately arrested by security upon arrival in the backstage area.

We cut to a crayon drawing of Chris Cairns lying dead in the street. In the background we see a crayon drawing of Clancy McClean, with a speech bubble emanating from his grinning face reading “ha ha ha - a deserved death.”

Our opener tonight sees IGW’s top man The Abominable Snowman in action against IGW’s bottom man (and top baby) John Baby. Snowman performs his patented “Big Abominable Snowman Spin” all the way from the stage to the ring, IGW Heavyweight title in hand. The heavy gold belt knocks out at least a handful of young fans on the way down. CGI snow drops from the rafters - obviously for the benefit of TV viewers – and is completely oversold by the Snowman and completely no-sold by everybody else. Every few feet, in between hitting underage fans in the head with his solid gold title belt, The Abominable Snowman pretends as though he’s been pelted by a massive piece of snow, stumbling and falling dramatically. Eventually he hits the ring and John Baby slides in from under the ring. The challenger hits a standing 450 splash out of nowhere and gets the pin to become the new champion in the opening bout of the first IGW show in nearly a year.

Book Nerd is in the backstage canteen area hosting a wine tasting. Eager to get away from his nerdy book image, he has recently developed an interest in wine and become something of an oenophile. The scene is set to be a comedy of errors: All your favourite IGWstars watch in awe as Book Nerd uncorks and decants some of the finest wines on earth, from a prestigious 1933 Chateau d’Yquem right up to a 2012 Chateau McClean Napa Valley Chardonnay. It’s all very impressive and bound to ensue in hilarity, as Book Nerd carefully positions his tasting glasses and adds ice to his ice bucket. To reiterate his change of character, he states that he no longer cares about “gay books” but is now “the world’s biggest oenophile.” The former nerd pours the aged Sauternes into a tasting glass and begins to whir it around, observing its colour. Mistakenly thinking that he’s a paedophile, a very heavy-handed FBI crimes-against-children unit bursts onto the scene and proceeds to take Book Nerd down with rapid-fire rubber bullets. They throw a canvas sack over his head as the scene cuts to static.

We’re back at ringside and Clancy McClean is picking dog shit out of his shoe with his Creation Wrestling II World Heavyweight Championship. Feeling as though he’s about to sneeze, he quickly produces Chris Cairns’ knighthood from his pocket and wipes his nose with it. He then claims responsibility for the assault on once GZW2K1 World Heavyweight Champion Raze. Tech Nishin’ calls bullshit, citing the fact that said assault occurred in Japan. Tech Nishin’ is promptly fired - for at least the second time in recent IGW memory – and is replaced by IGW Heavyweight Champion John Baby, who Clancy claims has held that title for the last two months. The dribbling baby, who hasn’t aged a day since his debut nearly two years ago, verifies Clancy’s likely story.

We’re back in action as IGW veteran Pitfighter is scheduled to take on a mystery opponent. Pitfighter hits the ring smoking weed sigareets to beat the band. The crowd go wild as he does a weird, semi-comprehensible dance whilst playing Dutch covers of well-known Bob Marley songs. He ruffles his yellow tuxedo-shirt a little until all of a sudden a tiny explosion (no more energy than a half-slice of toast popping up out of the toaster) explodes all over the church facility. “Radioactivity” by Kraftwerk blares throughout the arena as Pitfighter’s opponent for the evening gets ready to appear. Clancy McClean claims that the (small) huge explosion came as a result of a legitimate nuclear bomb detonated by legendary IGW badass Nuclear Boss. John Baby cowers, cries and naps in fear. Nuclear Boss hits the stage, also smoking weed sigareets, and walks slowly to the ring. The match is a slow, cumbersome affair. It is clear that both competitors are under the influence of recreational drugs. On more than five occasions, the action breaks down entirely and the two supposed bitter rivals break down laughing amongst themselves.

This continues until an ACTUAL EXPLOSION takes out a part of the stage. Smoke, sparks and all sorts of mayhem ensue. Without warning, IGW favourite Lieutenant Armyman bursts from through the exploded hole into the arena. Live explosives under one arm and an AK47 over the opposite shoulder, the painted-green former IGW Heavyweight Champion jogs to the ring. The crowd eats it up. One cameraman zooms in on the fact that the safety catch is off Armyman’s automatic weapon. In spite of this, the convicted war criminal (and firm fan favourite) continues toward the ring, nearly tripping up and accidentally firing the weapon more than once. Eventually he slides into the ring. The two stoned competitors get out of there post-haste. The FBI that earlier removed an inoffensive wannabe sommelier are nowhere to be seen as a lunatic now wields both a bomb and a gun. Armyman motions (with his big gun) for a microphone. He launches into a tirade about the match he has just interrupted, IGW as a whole, the fact that Leon Corbin won’t respond to his Twirker challenges, and the recent alleged chemical warfare in Syria. Armyman claims he will unleash worse than just chemical warfare upon the arena tonight if he doesn’t get a title shot. The crowd cheer louder than they ever have before. Commercial break.

Backstage, Clancy McClean has confiscated all of Book Nerd’s tasting wines. Beside him sits a cardboard box labelled “Cairns Family Photos”. Barely able to contain his laughter, Clancy begins to poor the aged wine into the boxes with a view to destroying any and all photos within.

We’re back and it’s time for our main event. Despite already wrestling seven matches tonight (and providing commentary for eight) IGW Lord of the Coliseum John Baby will put his title on the line against Lieutenant Armyman. Clancy wants to point out just how tough a son of a bitch John Baby actually is. For some reason, he specifies that the “bitch” he refers to is John Baby’s mother. A number of real explosions take place within (and indeed without, far away from) the arena as “We’re In This Together Now [Armyman’s Theme]” by Combichrist plays. Armed to the teeth with grenades, Armyman cartwheels down the ramp, from time to time removing the pin from his grenades. Clancy remarks that Armyman only wears face (and body) paint because he’s uglier in real life than John Baby. The Ronettes’ “Be My Baby [Monarch Mix]” hits next and John “Lone Gunman” Baby is walked to the ring in a solid gold pram by a man dressed up as a wrestling title belt. He slides the little baby – who Clancy claims has good business acumen and a fine head of hair – into the ring. The foremost Native American referee in professional wrestling, Willy Owl-In-Reed calls for the bell and we’re off.

The match is as back-and-forth as a match involving a grown man painted in all-green and a young baby in a pram can be. Armyman tries his best but is ultimately outclassed. John Baby carries the challenger throughout, except during a number of spots in which Armyman literally carries the little baby in an attempt to rock it silently to sleep. Clancy McClean calls Armyman a “cheating bastard” and says that if he doesn’t clean up his act, he’ll be disqualified. Armyman seems to overhear this, and takes serious offence. Things get ugly. Armyman – who has at least a 250lb weight advantage over the newborn baby – gets angry and begins to thump the much, much younger man with a series of hard, green right hands. The crowd make uncomfortable “whooooo” sounds as the grown man pummels the actual toddler, until...

...CLANCY McCLEAN YELLS “GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY SON!!!!”, DUMPS HIS HEADSET AND HITS THE RING!!!” Clancy enters the ring and hits John Baby with the Clancyline From Hell and proceeds to hug Lieutenant Armyman. Immediately realising his mistake, he shakes away from the toy soldier, whips off his shirt to reveal a “Fallout: Heatwave 4” t-shirt, prominently featuring both Leon and James Corbin. He then picks up the Clancylined baby, hugs him and holds him up for the world to see, as if he were a title belt. Clancy declares John Baby as both his son and the IGW Heavyweight Champion.

William Black gets shot by real bullets from real automatic weapons from the back-up FBI guys as the credits roll.

[Lone Gunman]

IGW PRESENTS “THE CHRIS CAIRNS SHOW [SKRILLEX REMIX] (NAPSTER ACOUSTIC VERSION) feat. Korn, Dr. Dre & Mary J Blige.WAV”

Our show opens inside a packed Catholic church. Gaudy overhead banners (covered with Satanic iconography scrawled in purple crayon) indicate that today is the celebration of John Baby’s christening. In attendance are the great and the good of IGW as well as some top celebrities and news media outlets. IGW Hall of Icons Icon and reigning GZW2K1 Lord of the Coliseum John Baby stands tall – though simultaneously lying down and asleep - in a woollen robe in a gold pram on the altar. To his right is his father, Clancy McClean. To his left, a person wearing a massive foam question mark costume. Immediately Clancy himself cuts in on commentary (?) and explains that he won’t be able to baptise his only son without first revealing to the world the identity of his “baby momma”. Clancy says that he can’t simply tell the audience who the mother of his child is, but instead he’ll host an impromptu Cash-the-Maternity-Leave-Cheque ladder match in order to crown the mother (?) - right here in the Church of Saints Peter, Paul and Mary in San Francisco, California!

Very prompt cut to black.

We’re back, and an irritated-looking Clancy is in front of a blank background. He begrudgingly explains that he has the utmost respect for not only the Catholic church, but organised religion throughout the world.
On an entirely unrelated note, the show has moved location and we are now live from The Church facility – which, new commentator Paul Iticklycorrect reminds us, is not an actual church and has no ties whatsoever to any religion organised or otherwise – and we’re ready for action!

Said action begins with the 954th successive curtain-jerk grudge match between King Monark and John Baby. King Monark hits the ring to his patented theme song “Blurred Lines” by Robin Thicke wearing his patented ring gear of a flesh-coloured thong and nothing else. Clancy points out that King Monark is a sex symbol of similar standing to the likes of Eva Corbin-Sharp and Leon Neon-Gunman. John Baby bursts onto the scene, still wearing his ceremonial garb, to the tune of Ghostface Killah’s “Motherless Child”. Man and infant go toe-to-toe in a brutal affair that ends in a 90-minute count-out draw.

A pre-recorded hype package is aired heralding the return of forgettable IGW once-off Rap Gangster, rebranded under the new gimmick of Indie Singer/Songwriter Gangster: A stark inner city setting. Junkies, whores and skunk pussies ramble about aimlessly when suddenly and from out of nowhere comes a delightfully quirky acoustic guitar riff. Indie Singer/Songwriter Gangster strolls lackadaisically onto the scene strumming a guitar with one hand (?) and brandishing a cheap, foreign-made handgun with the other. Gangster smugly covers a few crap indie hits whilst simultaneously robbing the inner city down-and-outs at gunpoint. Without warning he stops playing the guitar, looks directly at the camera and claims that he has returned to IGW to “win back” the IGW Heavyweight title and to “kill John Baby’s mother”. The segment concludes with a slow-motion airing of the uncensored version of Robin Thicke’s “Blurred Lines” with the audio track replaced with “Ground Zero” by the Diplomats.

We’re back to live action, and grizzled veteran Pitfighter is in action. A haze of real cannabis smoke wafts into the arena in time to his specially commissioned theme song, “Straight Edge” by Minor Threat. His opponent tonight is unseasoned legal minor Ace the Face, who gingerly walks to the ring snacking on the packed lunch his parents gave him, while his signature theme “Dopesmoker” by Sleep knocks the stuffing out of those unlucky enough to be sitting near the speakers. The match begins with a massive collar-and-elbow tie-up. The two bitter foes seem to whisper something to each other. Suddenly, Pitfighter backs away, slides out of the ring and leaves the arena. Fifteen minutes pass. Clancy wonders aloud “what the fuck is going on?” Paul Iticklycorrect chimes in that McClean should watch his mouth, and is immediately fired for his efforts. After a further ten to fifteen minutes, Pitfighter arrives back to the arena carrying a plastic shopping bag. Out of breath and visibly stoned (a result of smoking a number of joints in the preceding 25-30 minutes, probably), Pitfighter slides his yellow-shirted self into the ring and hands Ace the bag. The camera zooms in to find that the bag is full of cans of beer. Ace hands over his pocket money to Pitfighter and then leaves the ring, heading backstage to drink the beer with his friends. Upon entering the backstage area, however, Ace is accosted by his parents and the police. A SWAT team barges into the main arena and subdues Pitfighter with a hail of rubber bullets, arresting him on the spot. Clancy tells us that Pitfighter is on parole and as such will probably be deported to Holland for this.

One of the SWAT officers breaks away from the group and begins to fire a real gun at the ceiling of the arena, decorating the church’s roof with bullet holes. The fans shriek in horror and scramble to escape, nearly trampling one another, before the rogue officer pulls off his helmet to reveal a painted green face! The fans who hitherto had been literally fleeing for life stop in their tracks and begin to shout, roar and clap in approval for the one and only Lieutenant Armyman. Armyman checks that the safety catch is definitely off on his automatic weapon before hurling it into the crowd – to a huge pop! The assault rifle hits the arena floor hard and begins to expend live rounds willy-nilly as the fans soak up the atmosphere for what is hands down the biggest pro-wrestling return of 2014! In awe of the pure star power and the general quality of the programming so far, Clancy calls a halt to the proceedings with a commercial break.

A clip airs reminding us of the dramatic prologue to tonight’s show: Just who is John Baby’s mother? That and more will be revealed later in a dramatic Cash-the-Maternity-Leave-Cheque match, so stay tuned.

Some footage from 1996 PlayStation title Tekken 2 airs, featuring a fight between the two versions of bear-based character Kuma; specifically one brown bear and one polar bear. On commentary, Clancy claims that we are witnessing a live wrestling contest between beloved cousins/bitter enemies Bigfoot and the Abominable Snowman. The 30-second, totally dated and clearly video game footage is sold as though it is the realest thing in the world and as if it’s happening right here in the church. Clancy shudders, screams and bellows as the poorly rendered 3D bears exchange punches. The white bear kicks the brown bear; Clancy bold-facedly claims that Bigfoot has hit his cousin with his patented Big Bane Spin. The farce comes to a close as the text “DEMO ONLY – FULL GAME AVAILABLE AT GAME STORES NATIONWIDE” flashes on screen and we fade to black.

Next, Nuclear Boss is back and has teamed up with arch-rival Professor Clumsy. The two legitimate scientists, both of whom have several PhD’s each, jog to the ring wearing cut-off denim jean-shorts and taking selfies of each other whilst Ludacris’ “Move Bitch (Get Out the Way)” blares throughout the Church. Clancy explains that their scheduled opponent tonight was GZW2K1 legend The Kraken, though due to a prior commitment he is unable to make it tonight. The Kraken, it seems, is currently undertaking a Postgraduate Diploma in Women’s Studies at a local university, and has a big group presentation due next week. Out of necessity, he has had to meet up with that group and tonight was the only night that suited everybody. Clancy apologises on behalf of The Kraken. The two scientists leave and that’s that.

A quick commercial break and we’re ready for our main event, the winner of which will be “awarded” the maternity of John Baby, and receive a handsome maternity leave cheque for his/her efforts. Every single IGW star past and present – including John Baby himself – makes his, her and/or their way to the ring to claim a piece of the action. Though there’s a ladder involved, the match is something more akin to a battle royale. After an hour or so of genuine competition, the theme song from hit HBO drama “True Detective” plays and Clancy abandons his post at ringside and slides into the fray dual-wielding a big hatchet and the third real gun to be used by an IGW wrestler this evening. McClean proceeds to clean house with the two deadly weapons. He eliminates everybody in sight and cuts into what seems to be a pre-planned speech calling out William Black’s Wife, referring to her as though she was a) in the match in the first place and b) still in the match. Upon realising that William Black’s Wife had in fact jumped ship to Creation Wrestling II, Clancy immediately declares John Baby a bastard, that he’s “no son of mine” and declares to "unleash an unholy war" on the “private individuals behind Creation Wrestling II, not the on-screen characters”. The show fades to purple.

[Lone Gunman]

IGW NEWS ROUNDUP

The Streak Ends

Nobody ever thought it’d happen. Nobody for a minute thought that it’d happen when it did. Nobody for a second thought that he’d be the one to do it. It was without a doubt the biggest shock to hit the wrestling world for some time, but it happened and there’s no use denying it: Lieutenant Armyman is back! The multi-time IGW Heavyweight Champion and indicted war criminal made a triumphant return at a recent house show and has vowed to assist Clancy McClean in his unholy war against Creation Wrestling II any way he can. Beloved babyface Armyman has been in talks (via Twitter) with a local drug trafficker in order to source a consignment of automatic weapons at a reasonable price. The Twitter conversation is ongoing but Armyman is said to be “optimistic” that he’ll be able to get his hands on the guns before the next IGW broadcast “in order to really do some damage to Cairns and other real people behind the scenes, and to end the streak of Cairns’ being alive.”

Baby Love

The foremost (and only) baby in professional wrestling history, John “Newborn” Baby, is to be given a monster push in the coming months. Unofficial sources claim that IGW are looking to leverage the young up-and-comer’s popularity by tossing him headfirst into an edgy romance angle, with William Black’s Wife (the only female on the IGW roster) currently front-runner to become the baby’s girlfriend. It’s very possible that she’ll be William Black’s Ex-Wife by the time all is said and done.

Black Books

Speaking of IGW pariah William Black, “The Black One” made local headlines (below the fold in a free newspaper) after being caught shoplifting at a mid-sized supermarket in San Francisco, California. The clerk on duty at the time, IGW veteran The Grocery Store Clerk, claims that Black attempted to steal a TV dinner, a box of small condoms, a small cucumber and a Creation Wrestling II-brand laxative. Black’s legal team (provided by the state as he can’t afford one himself) maintain that “Iconic Black” was in fact framed, in a cynical attempt to embarrass their widely-hated client through the publication of an irreverent news item such as the one you are currently reading. The jury is still out – literally. The supermarket, owned by CMC Corporation, has pressed full charges and “Nathan” William Black may face jail time as a result.

"The Real Deal" The Grocery Store Clerk

New Signings

[/b]Hot on the heels of the granddaddy of ‘em all – recent house show “THE CHRIS CAIRNS SHOW [SKRILLEX REMIX] (NAPSTER ACOUSTIC VERSION) feat. Korn, Dr. Dre & Mary J Blige.WAV” – IGW has announced a raft of new signings to its already oozing talent roster, including:

• Jon Seller: Vacant-looking bald man with extensive martial arts and other training that enables him to sell absolutely any move known to man in an incredibly dramatic fashion.

• William Black’s Mother and Father: An unrelated black woman and elderly white man who simultaneously claim that their “son William Black is a constant disappointment” and also that they “have no son”.

• “Mrs. Armbar” Burke: A totally undeveloped female character that will probably be thrown in carelessly to the John Baby love angle.

• Rock Monster: Big, fat, sweaty long-haired man in his mid-40s, looks like a fatter version of Guns N’ Roses guitarist Slash. New stablemate for Indie Singer/Songwriter Gangster.

• Joan Girl: Gorgeous young blonde bombshell, better looking and more popular than poorly-developed Creationstar Susie Blue. Also, John Baby’s mother.

• John Boss: A powerful businessman and MBA classmate of Clancy McClean’s from back in the day. No relation to John Baby or Nuclear Boss.

"The Real Deal" John Boss