Copin' Wae Yer Shitey Wee Life

[Sir Chris Cairns]

Copin' Wae Yer Shitey Wee Life

A Brand New Advice Column Fae Yer Best Pal, Guid Auld Bagpipey McHaggis

Och aye the noo, an' hullo a'body! Welcome tae ma brrrrand new 'Agony Uncle' column richt here in HoatWire Megazin'! Every noo an' then ah'll be answerin' sim queries sent in by members o' thon GroondZero Globalverse, baith Globalstar an' fan alike!

So, ah'll nae waste onymare time bletherin'. Whit's the first question? Whit's makin' ye sulk aroond wae a face lik' a weel skelpt arse this week?!

Dear Bagpipey,
I am at a loss. One of my best friends recently got a new girlfriend and now I barely ever see him. We used to be inseparable but we haven't hung out now in like six weeks.

The other day I asked him if he wanted to go to the cinema and he said he couldn't because he was working. But then, later that night, his new girlfriend tags him in a post on Facebook saying they've gone bowling! Fair enough he wants to spend time with her, but to actually lie to me?!

Have I lost my friend forever? What should I do?

Sincerely,
Concerned Friend.


Bagpipey Rrrreplies,
Jings, yer soondin' fair awfy scunnered, laddie! Bit juist you remember that this is common practice when a new fanny arrives oan the scene, an' fannies come an' fannies go, but a true pal is a'ways there when needed!

Yer pal's juist fair gled tae be gittin' e's plums sooked by fanny again, bit the honeymoon period'll wear aff soon enough, juist like the honeymoon period'll ware aff fur thon scrrrroat, RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAZZZZZEE, an 'e's dreich wurld title reign!

Ah ken it's difficult tae be left oot, an' it gits ye fair beelin', but juist you git oan wi' yer ain life an' mibbes mak' some new pals, or tak' up a hobby or somethin', like hoo a water ma bonnie wee thistles in me bonnie wee gairden an' toss ma caber up an' doon the livin' room!

Whit ye've goat tae try an' remember here is that yer pal's no' a bad laddie, e's juist a typical lad whae cannae resist fanny. Juist try an' be happy f'r him an' let him mak' e's ain mistak's.

If yer pal comes back tae ye wance this initial honeymoon period is feenished, then ye be a guid pal tae 'im an' dinnae lecture 'im. But if 'e buggers aff f'r a' eternity wae this new fanny o' his? Then 'e kin awa' n' bile e's heid an' git syphilis fur a' a' care! Hoots!

-

Dear Bagpipey,
I am a 27-year-old man and my girlfriend is 23. I love her so much and know that she is the one for me, but I just can't stop cheating on her. I love having wild flings at the weekends with all sorts of girls while my girlfriend is at work (she is a nurse and works very hard). I feel terrible. I think my girlfriend suspects me of cheating, but doubt she realises just how often I cheat, and with how many girls. Help me, Bagpipey! I don't want to lose the love of my life!

Sincerely,
James


Bagpipey Rrrreplies,
Ye dinnae want tae lose the love o' yer life?! Rrrrreally?! Ye'd be losin' yer fuckin' TEETH if a' goat ma haunds oan ye, laddie! Ah'd pagger ye until he sterted greetin' like a wee babbie! Hoo DURCE ye treat yer lassie wae sicht awfy disrespect when she's workin' as a nurse an' carin' fir ither people. Ye mak' ma blood bile! Ye shid be castrated richt noo, laddie! Ah'd gie ye yer baws tae juggle if it wir up tae me!

Bit the sad truth is that there's nae much a' kin dae... ither than tae tell ye that if ye continue doon this rrroad, yer gonnae wind up an awfy lonely auld man wan o' these days!

Ye'll juist hae tae grow up if ye want tae keep yer lovely girlfriend, or else ye'll juist hae tae come clean an' tell her, so she kin go an' find somewan whae'll treat her wae the rrrrrrespect she deserrrrrves!

An' fer baith yer sakes, git a bloody sexual health check-up fae the clinic, ken? Joy Napier - GroondZero's rrrresident village bike - 'll gi'e ye a' the info ye need oan STDs if ye contact her on McTwirker! Crivens!

-

Dear Bagpipey,
I have been a GZW2K1 Globalstar since early 2007, or possibly even late 2006, and sometimes I feel as if no one even notices I exist. My career has never really caught that much-needed spark in order to elevate me into the upper-echelons of the card and I'm feeling a little depressed. What should I do?

Also, I have a two inch penis and suffer from premature ejaculation.

Sincerely,
S. Locke 

Prrremature ejaculation an' huvin' a tiny wee boaby are rrrreal problems fur some men! (Pictured)

Bagpipey Rrrreplies,
Weel, so as no' tae embarrass ye publicly, ah'll promise tae keep yer identity secret!

Noo, there's nae much a' kin dae tae help ye become a toap Globalstarrrrr, because - quite frankly - yer a loast cause! Ye've haud yer chips! Ah mean, crivens, a' nigh fell asleep juist by readin' yer bloody borin' letter ye wrote me, niver mind tryin' tae sustain ony interest in yer career! Best ye juist retire an' mak' way fur rrrrrreal talent, like Bagpipey McHaggis! Mibbes we shid huv a match an' a kin show ye hoo it gits done? Dae ye accept ma challenge?

An' wae rrrregards tae yer prrremature ejaculation, an yer wee twa inch boaby, weel, a' cannae really say much except that yer obviously nae a rrreal man. Huv ye thoat aboot competin' in the lassies' division ye fuckin' beige bellend?! McLOL!!!

-

Weel, that juist aboot wrrrrraps it up. In this week's edition, ah gave oot some quality advice an' challenged thon "Sperk" Shown Loch tae a match! Ah' ca' that a ragin' success!

If ye'd like tae esk ony questions tae Bagpipey McHaggis, then email me at [e-mail]DOOOMMM!!!