Post by Lone Gunman on Jul 10, 2013 12:39:53 GMT -6
Before Chris Cairns single-handedly destroyed print journalism by forcing his worthless Opinion upon the world, there was Just Business.
Just Business was, is, and shall remain forever the magnificent leviathan that emerged out of the drab sea that was, is, and shall remain forever GZW2K1’s Hotwire Magazine. Academics have for years pored over the wealth of wrestling (and, let’s face it, real life) wisdom within. It is the most popular research topic for the PhD program at the Technical College of Beaver Falls, Pennsylvania. Its back catalogue is legally required to be on the syllabus for all elementary schools in the state of North Dakota. Loved, feared, lusted after, emulated, admired from afar, furiously masturbated over, studied, and universally respected – all of that (and so much more) is Just Business.
As is this. For one night only, Just Business is back. It’s the biggest comeback since Jesus Christ and the most blasphemous, egotistical literary puffing-of-the-chest since Kanye West dropped Yeezus. In the lead-up to the historic Heatwave X broadcast, you lucky brain-farts get exclusive access to a very special edition of “The” Hotwire column, from “The” Hotwire Columnist – “The” Clancy McClean!
On that note, let’s get down to business. Tonight we’re all about the grandiose spectacle that will be Heatwave X. Or Heatwave 10 for those of you that missed out on their classical studies. It’s the tenth time that GZW2K1 has set down in Kowloon Park under the Heatwave banner.
Heatwave is arguably the most storied and iconic of all the GZW2K1 PPV events, and with good reason. Stars have been made here, as Sean Fiery was in 2001. A picture says a thousand words, and what more is there to be said about that of “Magic” being hoisted by his peers, newly-won World Heavyweight title belt in hand and defeated, diminutive dragon in the ring. Stars have also plummeted (or imploded or whatever it is that stars do when they die) here, as John Taylor did in 2005. “The Lone Gunman” never got over that loss to Seth Raide, I don’t care what you say. I know that a lot of other things happened between then and Heatwave Eight, when one Clancy McClean took the fight to the hated Chris Cairns and legitimately pinned him straight to hell. But those didn’t involve or, let’s be honest, interest, Clancy McClean. So let’s jump once again to this year.
This year’s lineup is a good one. Let’s begin with the main event - the championship bout, the storied conclusion to the hottest feud of the year, the test of mettle between the two top guys in the industry today, bar none*:
Chris Cairns versus Clancy McClean
Chris Cairns, false knight that he is, has gone to great lengths to avoid me in the two years since I pinned him cleanly in the middle of the ring at this very event. I have repeatedly laid out challenges to “Piss Chairs” Cairns ever since, and only now does the old fool accept. Let’s take a look at the facts, shall we? My IGW promotion has a longer and greater history under my guidance than even GZW2K1 itself. Fact. Chris Cairns’ fly-by-night Creation Wrestling II is a nothing-really emulation of a short-lived, nothing-really promotion that was only ever open for two weeks in 2002 anyway (that being the original Creation Wrestling). Fact. Cairns has spent years now trying to copy my superior product and live vicariously through his poorly rendered “Creationstars”, each and every one of whom is a shameless knockoff of a genuine IGWstar. Fact. I, Sir Clancy McClean, am the reigning Creation Wrestling II World Heavyweight Champion, and have been for three and a half years now. Fact. All these cold, hard, indisputable facts are making me tired. The conclusions to be drawn are simply that old Cairnsy will tonight make one more desperate, last-ditch attempt to hitch onto my coattails and ride them to wherever they’ll take him – perhaps to somewhere where he can simply have a bath and a hot meal for the first time in weeks, but that’s just conjecture on my part. Prediction? Clancy McClean wins.
Our other, “official” main event sees newly minted world champion Jericho “Raze” Cross looking to prove himself against probably the most decorated and accomplished Globalstar of all time, Leon Corbin-Taylor-Vanderbilt. Though it was I that struck up the talks with Leon way back in 2005 that would lead to his signing with the company, and though he still sends me a Christmas card (and fluffy handcuffs) every year, I have to admit that I don’t really know Leon all that well. Though he has been a vital part of the roster for the better part of a decade now, he’s still a “kid” to me. Call me old-fashioned, whatever. Our paths just haven’t crossed all that much, truth be told. Now if I can say that about Leon, where does that leave our old pal Raze? I won’t disrespect the reigning champion by saying that he’s a nobody. That wouldn’t be fair. Everybody is a glorified nobody when you’re Clancy McClean. Nothing personal.
The match itself is a “scaffold match”. Why the booking committee would stick a technical wizard like Leon into a cowboy builders from hell reality TV nightmare like this is beyond me. Raze is tough and knows his way around the hardcore environment, but even he is better than this. A great debate (well, certainly an OK debate) has been ongoing for some years now about the essence of Heatwave, and whether extreme rules and hardcore stipulations are, or are not, an integral part of the show. Who’s to say? What I will say is that I don’t want to see the greatest PPV of the year end with one of the company’s top two guys breaking his neck, or worse. The wrestling purist will also miss out on some of the, well, purer wrestling techniques of which both guys are more than capable. It’ll be, as my old rowing buddy Henry James would say, “a potboiler”. Difficult to predict, but for old Razey to drop the belt so early in his first run, and at that to, of all people, the de facto greatest of all time could do irreparable damage to both his reputation and his psyche. Having said that, it could go any which way. The smart (i.e. McClean) money is on Raze going home with the belt intact.
And with that, we’re out of time. I know it’s a print column and not a TV segment, but there’s nothing you can do about that now, is there?
*Note: Chris Cairns is not, and never will be, one of the two greatest in the industry. Clancy McClean comprises both parties of the phrase “the two top guys in the industry today, bar none.”
Just Business was, is, and shall remain forever the magnificent leviathan that emerged out of the drab sea that was, is, and shall remain forever GZW2K1’s Hotwire Magazine. Academics have for years pored over the wealth of wrestling (and, let’s face it, real life) wisdom within. It is the most popular research topic for the PhD program at the Technical College of Beaver Falls, Pennsylvania. Its back catalogue is legally required to be on the syllabus for all elementary schools in the state of North Dakota. Loved, feared, lusted after, emulated, admired from afar, furiously masturbated over, studied, and universally respected – all of that (and so much more) is Just Business.
As is this. For one night only, Just Business is back. It’s the biggest comeback since Jesus Christ and the most blasphemous, egotistical literary puffing-of-the-chest since Kanye West dropped Yeezus. In the lead-up to the historic Heatwave X broadcast, you lucky brain-farts get exclusive access to a very special edition of “The” Hotwire column, from “The” Hotwire Columnist – “The” Clancy McClean!
On that note, let’s get down to business. Tonight we’re all about the grandiose spectacle that will be Heatwave X. Or Heatwave 10 for those of you that missed out on their classical studies. It’s the tenth time that GZW2K1 has set down in Kowloon Park under the Heatwave banner.
Heatwave is arguably the most storied and iconic of all the GZW2K1 PPV events, and with good reason. Stars have been made here, as Sean Fiery was in 2001. A picture says a thousand words, and what more is there to be said about that of “Magic” being hoisted by his peers, newly-won World Heavyweight title belt in hand and defeated, diminutive dragon in the ring. Stars have also plummeted (or imploded or whatever it is that stars do when they die) here, as John Taylor did in 2005. “The Lone Gunman” never got over that loss to Seth Raide, I don’t care what you say. I know that a lot of other things happened between then and Heatwave Eight, when one Clancy McClean took the fight to the hated Chris Cairns and legitimately pinned him straight to hell. But those didn’t involve or, let’s be honest, interest, Clancy McClean. So let’s jump once again to this year.
This year’s lineup is a good one. Let’s begin with the main event - the championship bout, the storied conclusion to the hottest feud of the year, the test of mettle between the two top guys in the industry today, bar none*:
Chris Cairns versus Clancy McClean
Chris Cairns, false knight that he is, has gone to great lengths to avoid me in the two years since I pinned him cleanly in the middle of the ring at this very event. I have repeatedly laid out challenges to “Piss Chairs” Cairns ever since, and only now does the old fool accept. Let’s take a look at the facts, shall we? My IGW promotion has a longer and greater history under my guidance than even GZW2K1 itself. Fact. Chris Cairns’ fly-by-night Creation Wrestling II is a nothing-really emulation of a short-lived, nothing-really promotion that was only ever open for two weeks in 2002 anyway (that being the original Creation Wrestling). Fact. Cairns has spent years now trying to copy my superior product and live vicariously through his poorly rendered “Creationstars”, each and every one of whom is a shameless knockoff of a genuine IGWstar. Fact. I, Sir Clancy McClean, am the reigning Creation Wrestling II World Heavyweight Champion, and have been for three and a half years now. Fact. All these cold, hard, indisputable facts are making me tired. The conclusions to be drawn are simply that old Cairnsy will tonight make one more desperate, last-ditch attempt to hitch onto my coattails and ride them to wherever they’ll take him – perhaps to somewhere where he can simply have a bath and a hot meal for the first time in weeks, but that’s just conjecture on my part. Prediction? Clancy McClean wins.
Our other, “official” main event sees newly minted world champion Jericho “Raze” Cross looking to prove himself against probably the most decorated and accomplished Globalstar of all time, Leon Corbin-Taylor-Vanderbilt. Though it was I that struck up the talks with Leon way back in 2005 that would lead to his signing with the company, and though he still sends me a Christmas card (and fluffy handcuffs) every year, I have to admit that I don’t really know Leon all that well. Though he has been a vital part of the roster for the better part of a decade now, he’s still a “kid” to me. Call me old-fashioned, whatever. Our paths just haven’t crossed all that much, truth be told. Now if I can say that about Leon, where does that leave our old pal Raze? I won’t disrespect the reigning champion by saying that he’s a nobody. That wouldn’t be fair. Everybody is a glorified nobody when you’re Clancy McClean. Nothing personal.
The match itself is a “scaffold match”. Why the booking committee would stick a technical wizard like Leon into a cowboy builders from hell reality TV nightmare like this is beyond me. Raze is tough and knows his way around the hardcore environment, but even he is better than this. A great debate (well, certainly an OK debate) has been ongoing for some years now about the essence of Heatwave, and whether extreme rules and hardcore stipulations are, or are not, an integral part of the show. Who’s to say? What I will say is that I don’t want to see the greatest PPV of the year end with one of the company’s top two guys breaking his neck, or worse. The wrestling purist will also miss out on some of the, well, purer wrestling techniques of which both guys are more than capable. It’ll be, as my old rowing buddy Henry James would say, “a potboiler”. Difficult to predict, but for old Razey to drop the belt so early in his first run, and at that to, of all people, the de facto greatest of all time could do irreparable damage to both his reputation and his psyche. Having said that, it could go any which way. The smart (i.e. McClean) money is on Raze going home with the belt intact.
And with that, we’re out of time. I know it’s a print column and not a TV segment, but there’s nothing you can do about that now, is there?
*Note: Chris Cairns is not, and never will be, one of the two greatest in the industry. Clancy McClean comprises both parties of the phrase “the two top guys in the industry today, bar none.”
