The Thrilling Return...
Jan 27, 2015 21:44:58 GMT -6
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Post by Sir Chris Cairns on Jan 27, 2015 21:44:58 GMT -6
Our scene is set in the offices of HotWire Magazine. The magazine is no longer staffed by such colourful characters as Clancy McClean, Billy Diamond-Remarkable and Addison Clark, and is instead staffed by a platoon of bland, uninspired wannabe sports journalists who probably hate wrestling and wish they were working for Sports Illustrated or the Bleacher Report.
The office is occupied by at least twelve journos who tap at their keyboards, sip their coffees and stare bleary-eyed at their monitors.
JUST THEN THE OFFICE DOOR BURSTS OPEN AND SIR CHRIS CAIRNS MARCHES IN, WEARING HIS JEWEL-ENCRUSTED CROWN AS HE THRUSTS HIS REGAL SCEPTER INTO THE AIR WHILE CHANTING:
Cairns: SIR CHRIS CAIRNS! SIR CHRIS CAIRNS! SIR CHRIS CAIRNS! SIR CHRIS CAIRNS!
The office staff are absolutely stunned. Cairns smashes his scepter down on an unoccupied desk, before delivering a sweeping glare to the terrified journalists.
Cairns: Well, well, pissing well! It looks like SIR Chris Cairns - that's me, mates - has made his glorious return to GZW2K1 after an absence of nearly five months! I thought I'd mark me official return by paying a visit to HotWire Magazine HQ, seeing as I started me tenure here in GZW2K1 by quickly becoming the greatest HotWire Magazine columnist of all time!
Cairns turns and smashes his scepter down onto the office photocopier over and over again, causing loud clattering as the copier door is battered clean off its hinges, falling to the floor.
Cairns: Take that, McClean!
Cairns turns to the camera, kicking over a chair as he snarls.
Cairns: Ever since I killed both Stephon and Nathaniel Davis at Heatwave 11, before pissing on their singular grave, GZW2K1 powers-that-be have tried their very best to keep me off of GZW2K1 television because they think Cairnsy is a loose cannon, but that just is not so!
Without warning, Cairns picks up a computer keyboard and absolutely smashes it down over the head of an innocent HotWire Magazine journalist, who falls out of his chair and to the floor, screaming in shock and agony among the dislodged keyboard keys strewn on the floor around him.
Journalist: AAAAAAAAARGH! AAAH MAAAH GAAAAWD! YEEEAAARRRRRRGH!!!
Cairns: SIR CHRIS CAIRNS!!!
Cairns hurls the keyboard across the office and it smacks into a computer monitor, knocking it over. The HotWire Magazine journalists are all absolutely terrified, huddled on the far side of the office as Cairns blocks off the only exit. Cairns turns back to the camera.
Cairns: Now, I don't know who's booking things in GZW2K1 these days, ever since I murdered un-Icon Nathaniel Davis in cold blood at Heatwave last Summer, but I want a face-to-face meeting with whoever in GZW2K1 is responsible for ensuring that SIR CHRIS CAIRNS - the 2013 GZW2K1 Globalstar of the Year - can return to in-ring action and achieve me dreams of becoming GZW2K1 World Heavyweight Champion!
With the first journalist that Cairns attacked still crying on the floor like a baby (and bleeding like a pig), another HotWire Magazine hack desperately tries to make a run for the exit... BUT CAIRNS SMACKS HIM RIGHT IN THE FACE WITH THE SCEPTER!!! The man falls to the floor, limp. Cairns turns back to the camera, his eyes wide with insanity as HotWire Magazine staff members shriek with fear in the background.
Cairns: I humiliated Clancy McClean in the Heatwave 10 main event and then I murdered Nathaniel Davis and his good-for-nothing son at Heatwave 11! I am the legal parental guardian of the "Wild Card" Eddie Pissville Television Championship! I am the GZW2K1 Globalstar of the Year 2013! Me best-selling video game, Super Uncle SIR Chris Cairns Kart, is the best-selling wrestlers-driving-cars-simulator of all time!
Cairns grabs and flips over a large table, sending computer monitors, cups of coffee and framed photographs of HotWire Magazine employees' loved ones scattering all over the place.
Cairns: I was Knighted by the Queen in a glittering ceremony at Buckingham Palace! I ensured the deserved downfall and imprisonment of Vitamin Piss, who is currently serving a life-sentence for committing crimes of a sexual nature against minors! SIR CHRIS CAIRNS! And I will not simply wait out me contract when I see outlaws such as Clan Mayhem trying to destroy me Cairnsyverse, and I will not stand by and let little knicker-pissers like Alex Piss think they can just besmirch legendary Globalstars such as Vernon Vanderpiss and Lord Leon Pissbin! With the Cairnsyverse in such peril, it's about time SIR CHRIS CAIRNS was finally allowed to return to action and set things reet!
Cairns waggles his scepter menacingly at the ten or so HotWire journalists who are still standing. They all cower against the far wall in fear.
Cairns: Cairnsy will not rest on his regal laurels! Cairnsy demands to be booked once again on GZW2K1 programming! 2015 will... WILL... be the year of SIR once more!
Cairns turns and marches off, chanting his name as he pumps his scepter into the air with each syllable.
Cairns: SIR CHRIS CAIRNS! SIR CHRIS CAIRNS! SIR CHRIS CAIRNS!
Cairns exits, leaving behind a scene of utter carnage at HotWire Magazine HQ as the scene fades.
The office is occupied by at least twelve journos who tap at their keyboards, sip their coffees and stare bleary-eyed at their monitors.
JUST THEN THE OFFICE DOOR BURSTS OPEN AND SIR CHRIS CAIRNS MARCHES IN, WEARING HIS JEWEL-ENCRUSTED CROWN AS HE THRUSTS HIS REGAL SCEPTER INTO THE AIR WHILE CHANTING:
Cairns: SIR CHRIS CAIRNS! SIR CHRIS CAIRNS! SIR CHRIS CAIRNS! SIR CHRIS CAIRNS!
The office staff are absolutely stunned. Cairns smashes his scepter down on an unoccupied desk, before delivering a sweeping glare to the terrified journalists.
Cairns: Well, well, pissing well! It looks like SIR Chris Cairns - that's me, mates - has made his glorious return to GZW2K1 after an absence of nearly five months! I thought I'd mark me official return by paying a visit to HotWire Magazine HQ, seeing as I started me tenure here in GZW2K1 by quickly becoming the greatest HotWire Magazine columnist of all time!
Cairns turns and smashes his scepter down onto the office photocopier over and over again, causing loud clattering as the copier door is battered clean off its hinges, falling to the floor.
Cairns: Take that, McClean!
Cairns turns to the camera, kicking over a chair as he snarls.
Cairns: Ever since I killed both Stephon and Nathaniel Davis at Heatwave 11, before pissing on their singular grave, GZW2K1 powers-that-be have tried their very best to keep me off of GZW2K1 television because they think Cairnsy is a loose cannon, but that just is not so!
Without warning, Cairns picks up a computer keyboard and absolutely smashes it down over the head of an innocent HotWire Magazine journalist, who falls out of his chair and to the floor, screaming in shock and agony among the dislodged keyboard keys strewn on the floor around him.
Journalist: AAAAAAAAARGH! AAAH MAAAH GAAAAWD! YEEEAAARRRRRRGH!!!
Cairns: SIR CHRIS CAIRNS!!!
Cairns hurls the keyboard across the office and it smacks into a computer monitor, knocking it over. The HotWire Magazine journalists are all absolutely terrified, huddled on the far side of the office as Cairns blocks off the only exit. Cairns turns back to the camera.
Cairns: Now, I don't know who's booking things in GZW2K1 these days, ever since I murdered un-Icon Nathaniel Davis in cold blood at Heatwave last Summer, but I want a face-to-face meeting with whoever in GZW2K1 is responsible for ensuring that SIR CHRIS CAIRNS - the 2013 GZW2K1 Globalstar of the Year - can return to in-ring action and achieve me dreams of becoming GZW2K1 World Heavyweight Champion!
With the first journalist that Cairns attacked still crying on the floor like a baby (and bleeding like a pig), another HotWire Magazine hack desperately tries to make a run for the exit... BUT CAIRNS SMACKS HIM RIGHT IN THE FACE WITH THE SCEPTER!!! The man falls to the floor, limp. Cairns turns back to the camera, his eyes wide with insanity as HotWire Magazine staff members shriek with fear in the background.
Cairns: I humiliated Clancy McClean in the Heatwave 10 main event and then I murdered Nathaniel Davis and his good-for-nothing son at Heatwave 11! I am the legal parental guardian of the "Wild Card" Eddie Pissville Television Championship! I am the GZW2K1 Globalstar of the Year 2013! Me best-selling video game, Super Uncle SIR Chris Cairns Kart, is the best-selling wrestlers-driving-cars-simulator of all time!
Cairns grabs and flips over a large table, sending computer monitors, cups of coffee and framed photographs of HotWire Magazine employees' loved ones scattering all over the place.
Cairns: I was Knighted by the Queen in a glittering ceremony at Buckingham Palace! I ensured the deserved downfall and imprisonment of Vitamin Piss, who is currently serving a life-sentence for committing crimes of a sexual nature against minors! SIR CHRIS CAIRNS! And I will not simply wait out me contract when I see outlaws such as Clan Mayhem trying to destroy me Cairnsyverse, and I will not stand by and let little knicker-pissers like Alex Piss think they can just besmirch legendary Globalstars such as Vernon Vanderpiss and Lord Leon Pissbin! With the Cairnsyverse in such peril, it's about time SIR CHRIS CAIRNS was finally allowed to return to action and set things reet!
Cairns waggles his scepter menacingly at the ten or so HotWire journalists who are still standing. They all cower against the far wall in fear.
Cairns: Cairnsy will not rest on his regal laurels! Cairnsy demands to be booked once again on GZW2K1 programming! 2015 will... WILL... be the year of SIR once more!
Cairns turns and marches off, chanting his name as he pumps his scepter into the air with each syllable.
Cairns: SIR CHRIS CAIRNS! SIR CHRIS CAIRNS! SIR CHRIS CAIRNS!
Cairns exits, leaving behind a scene of utter carnage at HotWire Magazine HQ as the scene fades.
