Post by Icon Lady Eva Hikari on Feb 2, 2015 10:20:43 GMT -6
It was always the case really, wasn’t it? When you needed sleep the most it eluded you. Thoughts coming thick and fast until eventually you’d tossed and turned your way into full blown anxiety. Maybe the door is locked, maybe the oven is off, maybe the smoke alarms don’t need their batteries testing, but it’s impossible to relax until you’ve checked at least twice. By the time you’ve done the rounds, checked every possible break in point, the children and the appliances, sleep is nothing more than a distant memory. Like those hazy summers spent by the lake, a pleasant thought you can smile at, but not something you’ll be doing again anytime soon. The snow outside was still falling thick and fast, and had been all day. The world outside was deceptively beautiful. Cold and brutal enough to take your breath away, yet pretty enough for you not to notice until it was too late. The thought caused a small flicker of amusement, a barely there smile for the raven haired beauty. Years ago it was the way many would have described her. Now though? She didn’t want to think about it, thinking hurt her head and had made her check the front door was locked three times already. Pushing her tousled hair away from her face she took a careful sip of her too hot milk. Her slippered feet shuffled across the tile floor, offering the only noise in the near silent house. It sounded loud, so she abruptly stopped. The night time creatures were tucked safely away, yet this she found even more unsettling. Peering through the glass doors into the gloom of her garden, the brilliant white of the snow making the shadows somehow seem deeper, she shivered.
??: Mum?
Turning quickly enough to spill her drink on her hand, she manages not to swear. Barely, but she manages it. Instead she licks her hand, her mouth way more at ease with scalding burns than the rest of her, and wipes her hand on the hoodie she’d picked up on her way down.
Eva: What are you doing awake, sweetheart?
Lucy: Couldn't sleep. And it's pretty outside so I was watching the snow flakes falling. And then I thought I might like some hot milk...like you.
In her Care Bear onesie, the nine year old smiled sweetly at the woman she thought of as a mother to her, her hands clasped behind her back as she stood straight. Seemed simple enough, if she wasn’t so much like her father Eva may have believed her entirely.
Eva: How come you couldn’t sleep?
Pulling a mug from the cupboard she fills it from the saucepan she’d left on the hob. Which she’d turned off, and checked three times. With Eva dealing with her request, their oldest child climbs onto a seat beside hers. Lucy shuffles a little to make herself comfortable, moves her long blonde hair back behind her ears and then watches. Adding some cold milk to the youngster’s drink she sets it down before her, slipping into her seat and kicking off her slippers.
Eva: So come on sweetie, why the trouble sleeping?
Lucy: No reason...
She pulls the mug closer to her, emulating the woman near perfectly in the way she wrapped her hands around it.
Eva: No? You know you don’t have to be scared to tell me anything, right?
Lucy: I know. But I just couldn't sleep. See, mummy, I keep doing this thing where I go to lie down and then I think about everything that happens in the day. Sometimes it makes me smile again if it's something happy or I'll feel sad if it wasn't and then I think about saying something that I didn't say at the time to make me feel better so that it's right. Sometimes I think about things that happened on other days, weeks or months ago too. Does that make me strange?
Eva: No, not at all. We all do it, especially if we’re not really tired. As long as you’re just thinking and not worrying, it’s fine. We wouldn’t want you turning into an actual grumpy bear, would we?
Lucy: I am not a grumpy bear but his colour is so much better than cheer bear anyway. Just because I am a girl, doesn't mean I have to like pink. But mum, can I tell you something?
Nodding through a mouthful of warm milk she offers the girl her full attention. The girl huffs, composing herself it seemed, her head tipping either side as if she was weighing something up in her little mind.
Lucy: I didn't tell anyone, right. But the other day, that stupid woman called the house...
It was a good thing she’d swallowed her milk, even so her mouth felt dry. Setting her drink down carefully, the sound of ceramic on wood cut through the momentary silence. She may have put it down with more force than she’d intended, though her daughter seemed not to have noticed. Her attention was firmly on her drink. Something Eva could be a little thankful for. She knew the anxious stab of her heart clenching hadn’t registered on her face, yet she couldn’t be so sure her tone wouldn’t betray her.
Eva: What did she say?
Lucy: Well, I picked up the phone and said hello. Then she was all "Hi darling, it's Davina, is that you, Lucy?" and I said "What do YOU want?" and she said "That's no way to speak to your mother." So I said "I have a mother, thank you and it's not you, you weirdo." So I think I heard her gasp or something and then she said "Well, I think you'll find that I AM your mother and Eva is just an evil...something...something..." I don't know what she said because I stopped listening to her and said "I know what you are trying to do. You are just trying to hurt people again but it isn't going to work. I've seen pictures of you. Now you can't hurt other people you are trying to hurt yourself. Good. I hope you try as hard to hurt yourself like you tried to hurt my mum and my brother and sister, you evil wench." Then she put the phone down on me.
Slipping an arm around her shoulders Eva gives her a squeeze. She would have to find out how the hell that “wench” got her number. Though she already had a pretty good idea, which colourful bloody bird had been singing. God’s the thought of what else she may have shared with that woman made her head hurt. She should have ended them both……could have….But no, that was a lifetime ago. Now, well now all she had was a bunch of broken pieces and the blind hope that she could fix it all. She sighed guiltily; the thought that Lucy had been caught in the middle of their bickering had never been an easy one.
Eva: I’m sorry you had to deal with that, Luce. Are you alright?
Lucy: I am. I think I hurt her more than she hurt me when she hit me when I was small and that made me feel better but then I was thinking in bed. I shouldn't have said horrible things to her just because she's horrible because it means I am no better than her. I just wish she wasn't my real mum. I mean, by blood. You are my real mum and you always will be.
There was that sweet smile again and it was genuine for the woman. Lucy momentarily rests her head against Eva's arm, then moves to have a sip of her hot milk.
Eva: Yes I will, no matter how big you get or how embarrassing I become.
How the hell she’d slipped into that role back then still confused her. They bonded way before anything ever came of her and Leon. For someone who didn’t like children it was an impressive feat. Still, she was all too aware of how much pressure you could put on yourself trying not to be the person your genes said you should. Part of her did wonder what sort of child she’d be if she had stayed with Davina.
Eva: Blood only means as much as you want it to, sweetheart.
Lucy: I know. That's why our family is so huge. Not because of blood. Not all of it. But because people love each other.
Letting a comfortable silence fall between them Eva picks up her cooling drink. The child welcomed it, clearly more grown up than she should be. She takes another sip from her mug, never quite lifting it off the table, merely tipping it as she leant forward.
Lucy: How come you're still awake though? Were you thinking as well?
Eva: That, and your daddy snores. One of these days we need to make him get his nose fixed….
Lucy: I know! I can hear him in my room too. It sounds like a...a...lawnmower. Maybe we should make him eat the grass when it gets too long!
Amusing herself, the child bursts into laughter at the thought of her father eating grass...you know, the World champion that everyone loves to hate. But regardless of his role to the rest of the world, to her he was dad and he was silly sometimes. Smiling from behind her mug she shakes her head.
Eva: He might enjoy it. After some of the stuff he eats whenever we go to Hong Kong……
Lucy: Hong Kong is funny and people give me stuff because they like my hair. But mum. Am I allowed to say that you seem sooo much better since dad made you go to the hospital?
Eva: Only if I’m allowed to ask you what upset Lucan?
Lucy: What do you mean...?
Eva: I know the twins like to tell fibs, but I asked him what woke him up.
Watching her daughter carefully she pushed her now empty mug onto the table. All the while Lucy started to hide a little more behind hers.
Lucy: He really was upset. But you and dad were arguing and I heard it. I don't like it because I know you love each other. Dad's silly at times but I know he gets upset if something bothers him. I know it's because of what Daniel's mum did to your neck and he's just upset because he loves you. I am happy that you are going to be okay now. And mum. If I HAVE to take my medicine when I'm told, doesn't that mean you do too?
Taking it all in despite the rapid flow of words, the raven haired beauty didn’t even know where to start with that one. There was a big difference between taking medicine when you were told and being afraid of the medicine because of what it made you do. Not something she wanted to go into with her daughter, no matter how grown up the little one felt she was. At a loss for what to say at first she ran a hand through her already messy hair, her eyes sweeping the kitchen before falling back to her daughter.
Eva: You know, you’re too grown up for your own good sometimes. In future I’ll try not to worry you guys so much.
Lucy: We worry because we love you too. Even stupid head Daniel. He pretends he's big and strong and doesn't care about anything except for bikes and dinosaurs but he cried when he thought I didn't see him. But you have to take your medicine. It makes you better.
Eva: I know and I am, your dad is making sure of it.
The defeat in her tone wasn’t as harsh as it could have been. The irony of having her own drug intake monitored by a man whose addiction rivalled her own wasn’t lost on her. Again, not something she wished to enlighten their daughter to. Instead she offered a smile, it was easy to smile around the kids. Immediately the young girl was reassured and took a big mouthful from her mug.
Eva: You feeling any better, sweetheart?
Lucy: Yes. Are you?
Eva: Yes. Though you should be heading back to bed.
Lucy: Awww...
Eva: I know, it’s lame. You’ll feel better after some sleep though.
Lucy: Ooookaaaay. Does that mean you're going to bed too?
Eva: In a little while, maybe.
Lucy: Alright. Can I finish this milk first?
Eva: Of course, and don’t tell Daniel I let you stay up later than him.
Lucy: I won't. Promise.
All too aware of how small things could be escalated when the two bigger kids decided to argue, it was a promise she was happy to have the child make. With her arm around her daughter, the little girl nestled against her as she sipped at her drink. As always in the quiet moments, the two of them found comfort. They were too similar in a lot of ways, in more ways than Eva would ever admit to her. As much as she despised Davina, she had always avoided pushing that on Lucy. The little girl had formed her own thoughts and own opinions without any guidance at all from her Mum. Though they would have to talk about the “wench” comment in the morning. It could slide for now with the knowledge that no harm had been done. It was a small mercy given the nature of things.
??: Mum?
Turning quickly enough to spill her drink on her hand, she manages not to swear. Barely, but she manages it. Instead she licks her hand, her mouth way more at ease with scalding burns than the rest of her, and wipes her hand on the hoodie she’d picked up on her way down.
Eva: What are you doing awake, sweetheart?
Lucy: Couldn't sleep. And it's pretty outside so I was watching the snow flakes falling. And then I thought I might like some hot milk...like you.
In her Care Bear onesie, the nine year old smiled sweetly at the woman she thought of as a mother to her, her hands clasped behind her back as she stood straight. Seemed simple enough, if she wasn’t so much like her father Eva may have believed her entirely.
Eva: How come you couldn’t sleep?
Pulling a mug from the cupboard she fills it from the saucepan she’d left on the hob. Which she’d turned off, and checked three times. With Eva dealing with her request, their oldest child climbs onto a seat beside hers. Lucy shuffles a little to make herself comfortable, moves her long blonde hair back behind her ears and then watches. Adding some cold milk to the youngster’s drink she sets it down before her, slipping into her seat and kicking off her slippers.
Eva: So come on sweetie, why the trouble sleeping?
Lucy: No reason...
She pulls the mug closer to her, emulating the woman near perfectly in the way she wrapped her hands around it.
Eva: No? You know you don’t have to be scared to tell me anything, right?
Lucy: I know. But I just couldn't sleep. See, mummy, I keep doing this thing where I go to lie down and then I think about everything that happens in the day. Sometimes it makes me smile again if it's something happy or I'll feel sad if it wasn't and then I think about saying something that I didn't say at the time to make me feel better so that it's right. Sometimes I think about things that happened on other days, weeks or months ago too. Does that make me strange?
Eva: No, not at all. We all do it, especially if we’re not really tired. As long as you’re just thinking and not worrying, it’s fine. We wouldn’t want you turning into an actual grumpy bear, would we?
Lucy: I am not a grumpy bear but his colour is so much better than cheer bear anyway. Just because I am a girl, doesn't mean I have to like pink. But mum, can I tell you something?
Nodding through a mouthful of warm milk she offers the girl her full attention. The girl huffs, composing herself it seemed, her head tipping either side as if she was weighing something up in her little mind.
Lucy: I didn't tell anyone, right. But the other day, that stupid woman called the house...
It was a good thing she’d swallowed her milk, even so her mouth felt dry. Setting her drink down carefully, the sound of ceramic on wood cut through the momentary silence. She may have put it down with more force than she’d intended, though her daughter seemed not to have noticed. Her attention was firmly on her drink. Something Eva could be a little thankful for. She knew the anxious stab of her heart clenching hadn’t registered on her face, yet she couldn’t be so sure her tone wouldn’t betray her.
Eva: What did she say?
Lucy: Well, I picked up the phone and said hello. Then she was all "Hi darling, it's Davina, is that you, Lucy?" and I said "What do YOU want?" and she said "That's no way to speak to your mother." So I said "I have a mother, thank you and it's not you, you weirdo." So I think I heard her gasp or something and then she said "Well, I think you'll find that I AM your mother and Eva is just an evil...something...something..." I don't know what she said because I stopped listening to her and said "I know what you are trying to do. You are just trying to hurt people again but it isn't going to work. I've seen pictures of you. Now you can't hurt other people you are trying to hurt yourself. Good. I hope you try as hard to hurt yourself like you tried to hurt my mum and my brother and sister, you evil wench." Then she put the phone down on me.
Slipping an arm around her shoulders Eva gives her a squeeze. She would have to find out how the hell that “wench” got her number. Though she already had a pretty good idea, which colourful bloody bird had been singing. God’s the thought of what else she may have shared with that woman made her head hurt. She should have ended them both……could have….But no, that was a lifetime ago. Now, well now all she had was a bunch of broken pieces and the blind hope that she could fix it all. She sighed guiltily; the thought that Lucy had been caught in the middle of their bickering had never been an easy one.
Eva: I’m sorry you had to deal with that, Luce. Are you alright?
Lucy: I am. I think I hurt her more than she hurt me when she hit me when I was small and that made me feel better but then I was thinking in bed. I shouldn't have said horrible things to her just because she's horrible because it means I am no better than her. I just wish she wasn't my real mum. I mean, by blood. You are my real mum and you always will be.
There was that sweet smile again and it was genuine for the woman. Lucy momentarily rests her head against Eva's arm, then moves to have a sip of her hot milk.
Eva: Yes I will, no matter how big you get or how embarrassing I become.
How the hell she’d slipped into that role back then still confused her. They bonded way before anything ever came of her and Leon. For someone who didn’t like children it was an impressive feat. Still, she was all too aware of how much pressure you could put on yourself trying not to be the person your genes said you should. Part of her did wonder what sort of child she’d be if she had stayed with Davina.
Eva: Blood only means as much as you want it to, sweetheart.
Lucy: I know. That's why our family is so huge. Not because of blood. Not all of it. But because people love each other.
Letting a comfortable silence fall between them Eva picks up her cooling drink. The child welcomed it, clearly more grown up than she should be. She takes another sip from her mug, never quite lifting it off the table, merely tipping it as she leant forward.
Lucy: How come you're still awake though? Were you thinking as well?
Eva: That, and your daddy snores. One of these days we need to make him get his nose fixed….
Lucy: I know! I can hear him in my room too. It sounds like a...a...lawnmower. Maybe we should make him eat the grass when it gets too long!
Amusing herself, the child bursts into laughter at the thought of her father eating grass...you know, the World champion that everyone loves to hate. But regardless of his role to the rest of the world, to her he was dad and he was silly sometimes. Smiling from behind her mug she shakes her head.
Eva: He might enjoy it. After some of the stuff he eats whenever we go to Hong Kong……
Lucy: Hong Kong is funny and people give me stuff because they like my hair. But mum. Am I allowed to say that you seem sooo much better since dad made you go to the hospital?
Eva: Only if I’m allowed to ask you what upset Lucan?
Lucy: What do you mean...?
Eva: I know the twins like to tell fibs, but I asked him what woke him up.
Watching her daughter carefully she pushed her now empty mug onto the table. All the while Lucy started to hide a little more behind hers.
Lucy: He really was upset. But you and dad were arguing and I heard it. I don't like it because I know you love each other. Dad's silly at times but I know he gets upset if something bothers him. I know it's because of what Daniel's mum did to your neck and he's just upset because he loves you. I am happy that you are going to be okay now. And mum. If I HAVE to take my medicine when I'm told, doesn't that mean you do too?
Taking it all in despite the rapid flow of words, the raven haired beauty didn’t even know where to start with that one. There was a big difference between taking medicine when you were told and being afraid of the medicine because of what it made you do. Not something she wanted to go into with her daughter, no matter how grown up the little one felt she was. At a loss for what to say at first she ran a hand through her already messy hair, her eyes sweeping the kitchen before falling back to her daughter.
Eva: You know, you’re too grown up for your own good sometimes. In future I’ll try not to worry you guys so much.
Lucy: We worry because we love you too. Even stupid head Daniel. He pretends he's big and strong and doesn't care about anything except for bikes and dinosaurs but he cried when he thought I didn't see him. But you have to take your medicine. It makes you better.
Eva: I know and I am, your dad is making sure of it.
The defeat in her tone wasn’t as harsh as it could have been. The irony of having her own drug intake monitored by a man whose addiction rivalled her own wasn’t lost on her. Again, not something she wished to enlighten their daughter to. Instead she offered a smile, it was easy to smile around the kids. Immediately the young girl was reassured and took a big mouthful from her mug.
Eva: You feeling any better, sweetheart?
Lucy: Yes. Are you?
Eva: Yes. Though you should be heading back to bed.
Lucy: Awww...
Eva: I know, it’s lame. You’ll feel better after some sleep though.
Lucy: Ooookaaaay. Does that mean you're going to bed too?
Eva: In a little while, maybe.
Lucy: Alright. Can I finish this milk first?
Eva: Of course, and don’t tell Daniel I let you stay up later than him.
Lucy: I won't. Promise.
All too aware of how small things could be escalated when the two bigger kids decided to argue, it was a promise she was happy to have the child make. With her arm around her daughter, the little girl nestled against her as she sipped at her drink. As always in the quiet moments, the two of them found comfort. They were too similar in a lot of ways, in more ways than Eva would ever admit to her. As much as she despised Davina, she had always avoided pushing that on Lucy. The little girl had formed her own thoughts and own opinions without any guidance at all from her Mum. Though they would have to talk about the “wench” comment in the morning. It could slide for now with the knowledge that no harm had been done. It was a small mercy given the nature of things.
