Post by Sir Chris Cairns on Feb 22, 2015 9:08:40 GMT -6
We are in the outdoor swimming pool area of the Mokara Hotel in San Antonio, Texas. It's a sunny day and SIR Chris Cairns is stood by the pool in his usual attire (Manchester United football jersey, tattered blue jeans and his jewel-encrusted crown), with Weston Bentley stood alongside him. Cairns twirls his regal scepter menacingly as he glares towards GZW2K1's Senior Interviewer.
Bentley: Sir Chris C-
Cairns: SIR Chris Cairns!
Bentley: You recently made your return to GZW2K1, following a long-term suspension an-
Cairns: Suspension? Suspension, is it? Which dirt sheet rag did you gleam this false piece of piss-stained information from, eh? Far from being suspended, Cairnsy actually took an extended leave of absence in order to travel to Nairobi and perform various charitable good deeds for the impoverished children!
Bentley: Right...
Cairns: Reet!
Bentley: But now that you have returned to GZW2K1, it didn't take long for all hell to break loose as your long-time nemesis – the man who you trained, Stephon Davis – also made his return that night and assaulted you! What are y-
Cairns: Aye, Stephon Davis attacked me in most cowardly a fashion at Crimson Knickers, despite the fact that I took him under me regal wing once upon a time, and taught him everything he bloody well knows about this business! But you know what, Bentley, you tit? I'm not even annoyed. As far as Cairnsy is concerned, the whole issue betwixt meself and Stephon has been resolved – case closed and end of bloomin' story. We resolved our differences last year at Heatwave, when I defeated him cleanly at one of the biggest pay-per-view events GZW2K1 has ever produced. It's over, Stephon. It's done, mate.
Bentley: Well, at Fierce this past Friday, Stephon Davis had some very direct words for you, Chris Cairns! He said that your conflict has most certainly not been resolved and he also rejected your apology!
Cairns: Well, I think that this just goes to show how little class and integrity Stephon actually possesses. I defeated Stephon, and it's time for me to move up the ladder. I have absolutely no interest whatsoever in getting embroiled in yet more of Stephon's twisted games, and-
Bentley: Some are saying you're TERRIFIED of Stephon and the revenge he seeks to exact upon you!
Cairns huffs and puffs, flustered. The interview is suddenly interrupted as former GZW2K1 Globlastar Damien Knight – who was released from his contract before he even competed in a single match – appears on screen, holding a silver platter. Atop the platter is a glass of orange juice. Thankful for the opportunity to steer away from the current topic of conversation, Cairns gives Knight a hateful sneer as the bearded loser curtsys respectfully.
Knight: Forgive my impetuous interruption, SIR Chris Cairns, but here is the orange juice that you asked me to buy you from the shop.
Cairns rudely snatches at the glass of orange juice.
Cairns: Ah, Damien Knight-Shite, me loyal manservant! It's about pissing time you delivered me regal refreshment! Give me that!
Cairns glugs down the orange juice as Weston Bentley looks on. Without warning, Cairns retches and spits the orange juice back up, projecting it all over Damien Knight's face!
Cairns: GAAAARGH! What are you doing, you idiot! There're bits in this!
Cairns angrily whacks the glass back down on the platter as Damien Knight trembles with fear. Cairns wipes his mouth with a handkerchief.
Knight: Oh! Oh, I'm so sorry, SIR! Please forgive your idiotic manservant for his ineptitude and-
Cairns: Oh just shut up and go back to the shops! Buy me SMOOTH orange juice this time! I hate... HATE orange juice with fucking bits in it, you halfwit!
Knight: Yes, SIR! Right away, SIR!!
Humiliated and covered in spit and regurgitated orange juice, Damien Knight scurries off with his head bowed meekly. Cairns watches him with a glare.
Cairns: You just can't get the pissing staff these days! I mean, fair enough, I don't even pay him, and he sleeps in a kennel beside the compost heap, and I only feed him Weetabix – without milk – but can't he at least put a little bit of effort in? SIR CHRIS CAIRNS!!
Bentley: Uh, right... So, back on topic, let's talk about Stephon Davis and his-
Cairns: Oh, shut up! Look, I have far more pressing issues to be dealing with reet now, such as me imminent main event match with Lord Leon Pissbin at Anniversary Armageddon, with the GZW2K1 World Heavyweight Championship on the line. Stephon Davis really should move on from this silly little grudge he has against me, because it's getting really petty now, and as far as Cairnsy is concerned – and at the risk of repeating meself - our conflict ended when I defeated him at Heatpiss last year.
Bentley: How can you possibly suggest that Stephon Davis is being 'petty' and that he is harbouring a 'silly little grudge?' You legitimately buried him alive, and left him and his Father for dead!
Cairns: Aye, but Cairnsy apologised!
Bentley: And you flushed Stephon's head down a toilet at Anniversary Armageddon 2014, before then bludgeoning him with your scepter!
Cairns: But-
Bentley: AND you threw him off Tower Bridge in London, before then locking him in a casket for two weeks!
Cairns: Just let me stop you reet th-
Bentley: AND you had your Creation Wrestling II roster attack him, and hit him with so many blows to the head that he suffered a SEIZURE on live television!
Cairns: LOOK, JUST SHUT UP FOR ONE SECOND! I... Look, Stephon Davis can rot in fucking hell. If that little shite comes anywhere near me again then I will have him killed! He got lucky and survived me regal wrath once at Heatpiss last year, but he won't be quite so lucky a second time. In fact, the little brat-arse won't get anywhere near Cairnsy ever again, because Cairnsy will just release the Creation Wrestling II roster upon him. I am untouchable, Stephon Davis! I can't stand you, and I can't stand your idiot of a Father. Stephon, you're acting just like the entitled little brat that your Father raised you to be; thinking that you can just attack and besmirch wrestling royalty such as meself? Well, mark me regal words, Stephon: If you come at me one more time then I will have you executed via decapitation and I will FedEx your head to your loose fanny whore of a Mother! SIR Chris Cairns!
Bentley: Oh boy...
Just then, Damien Knight scurries back into view with his platter and a freshly-poured glass of orange juice.
Knight: Greetings, SIR! I have returned with your orange juice!
Cairns: Good! Give me that immediately!
Cairns rudely swipes at the orange juice and proceeds to gulp it down, only to then spray it back out all over Damien Knight's face.
Cairns: GAAAARGH!! This orange juice is SMOOTH, you idiot!
Knight is stunned, his face dripping wet.
Knight: But... But... you said you wanted smooth orange juice!
Cairns: Ah yes, you're reet! Perhaps I have no real preference between smooth orange juice and orange juice with bits in it, and I just really like spitting in your stupid face?
Cairns hawks up some phlegm and spits it right into Damien Knight's eye as Weston Bentley groans in disgust. Damien Knight whimpers as he tries to clear Cairns' thick, green mucus from out of his eye. Cairns giggles profusely, before taking the silver platter from Damien Knight and smacking him over the head with it! Damien Knight falls backwards with a scream, landing in the swimming pool with a splash as Cairns laughs hysterically. Bentley shakes his head in disbelief, but attempts to carry on with the interview. However, before Bentley can utter another word, Cairns snatches the microphone from him and glares into the camera.
Cairns: Stephon Davis, I've given you your final warning, mate. Stay away from me, or I will END you! Now, if you'll all excuse me, I'm off to prepare for Anniversary Armageddon, where I will be defeating Leon Pissbin in the main event, before being crowned NEW GZW2K1 World Heavyweight Champion! SIR CHRIS CAIRNS! SIR CHRIS CAIRNS! SIR CHRIS CAIRNS!!
Chris Cairns throws the microphone down and marches off, chanting his own name as he thrusts his regal scepter into the air with each syllable. Weston Bentley can only look on, before turning to the swimming pool, where Damien Knight is flailing about comically, screaming that he can't swim. Fade to shite.
Bentley: Sir Chris C-
Cairns: SIR Chris Cairns!
Bentley: You recently made your return to GZW2K1, following a long-term suspension an-
Cairns: Suspension? Suspension, is it? Which dirt sheet rag did you gleam this false piece of piss-stained information from, eh? Far from being suspended, Cairnsy actually took an extended leave of absence in order to travel to Nairobi and perform various charitable good deeds for the impoverished children!
Bentley: Right...
Cairns: Reet!
Bentley: But now that you have returned to GZW2K1, it didn't take long for all hell to break loose as your long-time nemesis – the man who you trained, Stephon Davis – also made his return that night and assaulted you! What are y-
Cairns: Aye, Stephon Davis attacked me in most cowardly a fashion at Crimson Knickers, despite the fact that I took him under me regal wing once upon a time, and taught him everything he bloody well knows about this business! But you know what, Bentley, you tit? I'm not even annoyed. As far as Cairnsy is concerned, the whole issue betwixt meself and Stephon has been resolved – case closed and end of bloomin' story. We resolved our differences last year at Heatwave, when I defeated him cleanly at one of the biggest pay-per-view events GZW2K1 has ever produced. It's over, Stephon. It's done, mate.
Bentley: Well, at Fierce this past Friday, Stephon Davis had some very direct words for you, Chris Cairns! He said that your conflict has most certainly not been resolved and he also rejected your apology!
Cairns: Well, I think that this just goes to show how little class and integrity Stephon actually possesses. I defeated Stephon, and it's time for me to move up the ladder. I have absolutely no interest whatsoever in getting embroiled in yet more of Stephon's twisted games, and-
Bentley: Some are saying you're TERRIFIED of Stephon and the revenge he seeks to exact upon you!
Cairns huffs and puffs, flustered. The interview is suddenly interrupted as former GZW2K1 Globlastar Damien Knight – who was released from his contract before he even competed in a single match – appears on screen, holding a silver platter. Atop the platter is a glass of orange juice. Thankful for the opportunity to steer away from the current topic of conversation, Cairns gives Knight a hateful sneer as the bearded loser curtsys respectfully.
Knight: Forgive my impetuous interruption, SIR Chris Cairns, but here is the orange juice that you asked me to buy you from the shop.
Cairns rudely snatches at the glass of orange juice.
Cairns: Ah, Damien Knight-Shite, me loyal manservant! It's about pissing time you delivered me regal refreshment! Give me that!
Cairns glugs down the orange juice as Weston Bentley looks on. Without warning, Cairns retches and spits the orange juice back up, projecting it all over Damien Knight's face!
Cairns: GAAAARGH! What are you doing, you idiot! There're bits in this!
Cairns angrily whacks the glass back down on the platter as Damien Knight trembles with fear. Cairns wipes his mouth with a handkerchief.
Knight: Oh! Oh, I'm so sorry, SIR! Please forgive your idiotic manservant for his ineptitude and-
Cairns: Oh just shut up and go back to the shops! Buy me SMOOTH orange juice this time! I hate... HATE orange juice with fucking bits in it, you halfwit!
Knight: Yes, SIR! Right away, SIR!!
Humiliated and covered in spit and regurgitated orange juice, Damien Knight scurries off with his head bowed meekly. Cairns watches him with a glare.
Cairns: You just can't get the pissing staff these days! I mean, fair enough, I don't even pay him, and he sleeps in a kennel beside the compost heap, and I only feed him Weetabix – without milk – but can't he at least put a little bit of effort in? SIR CHRIS CAIRNS!!
Bentley: Uh, right... So, back on topic, let's talk about Stephon Davis and his-
Cairns: Oh, shut up! Look, I have far more pressing issues to be dealing with reet now, such as me imminent main event match with Lord Leon Pissbin at Anniversary Armageddon, with the GZW2K1 World Heavyweight Championship on the line. Stephon Davis really should move on from this silly little grudge he has against me, because it's getting really petty now, and as far as Cairnsy is concerned – and at the risk of repeating meself - our conflict ended when I defeated him at Heatpiss last year.
Bentley: How can you possibly suggest that Stephon Davis is being 'petty' and that he is harbouring a 'silly little grudge?' You legitimately buried him alive, and left him and his Father for dead!
Cairns: Aye, but Cairnsy apologised!
Bentley: And you flushed Stephon's head down a toilet at Anniversary Armageddon 2014, before then bludgeoning him with your scepter!
Cairns: But-
Bentley: AND you threw him off Tower Bridge in London, before then locking him in a casket for two weeks!
Cairns: Just let me stop you reet th-
Bentley: AND you had your Creation Wrestling II roster attack him, and hit him with so many blows to the head that he suffered a SEIZURE on live television!
Cairns: LOOK, JUST SHUT UP FOR ONE SECOND! I... Look, Stephon Davis can rot in fucking hell. If that little shite comes anywhere near me again then I will have him killed! He got lucky and survived me regal wrath once at Heatpiss last year, but he won't be quite so lucky a second time. In fact, the little brat-arse won't get anywhere near Cairnsy ever again, because Cairnsy will just release the Creation Wrestling II roster upon him. I am untouchable, Stephon Davis! I can't stand you, and I can't stand your idiot of a Father. Stephon, you're acting just like the entitled little brat that your Father raised you to be; thinking that you can just attack and besmirch wrestling royalty such as meself? Well, mark me regal words, Stephon: If you come at me one more time then I will have you executed via decapitation and I will FedEx your head to your loose fanny whore of a Mother! SIR Chris Cairns!
Bentley: Oh boy...
Just then, Damien Knight scurries back into view with his platter and a freshly-poured glass of orange juice.
Knight: Greetings, SIR! I have returned with your orange juice!
Cairns: Good! Give me that immediately!
Cairns rudely swipes at the orange juice and proceeds to gulp it down, only to then spray it back out all over Damien Knight's face.
Cairns: GAAAARGH!! This orange juice is SMOOTH, you idiot!
Knight is stunned, his face dripping wet.
Knight: But... But... you said you wanted smooth orange juice!
Cairns: Ah yes, you're reet! Perhaps I have no real preference between smooth orange juice and orange juice with bits in it, and I just really like spitting in your stupid face?
Cairns hawks up some phlegm and spits it right into Damien Knight's eye as Weston Bentley groans in disgust. Damien Knight whimpers as he tries to clear Cairns' thick, green mucus from out of his eye. Cairns giggles profusely, before taking the silver platter from Damien Knight and smacking him over the head with it! Damien Knight falls backwards with a scream, landing in the swimming pool with a splash as Cairns laughs hysterically. Bentley shakes his head in disbelief, but attempts to carry on with the interview. However, before Bentley can utter another word, Cairns snatches the microphone from him and glares into the camera.
Cairns: Stephon Davis, I've given you your final warning, mate. Stay away from me, or I will END you! Now, if you'll all excuse me, I'm off to prepare for Anniversary Armageddon, where I will be defeating Leon Pissbin in the main event, before being crowned NEW GZW2K1 World Heavyweight Champion! SIR CHRIS CAIRNS! SIR CHRIS CAIRNS! SIR CHRIS CAIRNS!!
Chris Cairns throws the microphone down and marches off, chanting his own name as he thrusts his regal scepter into the air with each syllable. Weston Bentley can only look on, before turning to the swimming pool, where Damien Knight is flailing about comically, screaming that he can't swim. Fade to shite.
