Cairnsy Predicts Anniversary Armageddon

[Sir Chris Cairns]

What does the year 2015 hold for GroundZero Wrestling 2K1? Besides bankruptcy, of course, unless management finally sees sense and books SIR Chris Cairns into numerous main events. Where does Ground Zero Global’s model federation second best promotion, after Creation Wrestling II, go for its unprecedented fourteenth year of banal existence? What is in store for the Globalstars as they travel the road to the dole office?

GroundZero Enterprises™ and its various liquidated assets presents:




Live from The Alamodome in San Antonio, Texas. Again. Isn't it about time GZW2K1 booked some different fucking venues? SIR CHRIS CAIRNS!!!!


Tag Team Match
No One Cares and SIR Chris Cairns versus Stephon Davis and Who Gives A Regal Shite?

Since when did they start booking the main event to open the show? Since SIR Chris Cairns started jerking the curtain due to a certain Commisioner's petty grudges, that's when! Alas, peasants, everybody knows that the only reason pointless idiots such as yourselves would want to purchase this pay-per-view is so that you can finally witness Stephon Davis receive his regal comeuppance once and for all. I mean, SIR Chris Cairns - that's me, mates - is the overwhelming bookies' favourite to commit actual homicide here tonight at Anniversary Pissmagedon, with the odds showcasing a solid 1/2 chance that Stephon Davis is going to piss his frilly knickers in fear before night's end.

You can all bet your paltry life savings on SIR Chris Cairns murdering Stephon Davis in cold blood here tonight, before then tracking his fat, ugly Mother down to the strip joint she works at and murdering her as well! 

Extreme Match
Killpiss versus Bagpipey "Raze" McHaggis

You can expect to see fans in the arena leaving in their thousands during this match. As soon as SIR Chris Cairns has successfully murdered Stephon Davis in the night's opening bout then I can assure you all that nobody is going to want to stick around for the rest of this piss-poor card. Stephon Davis' (soon-to-be) dead body has more life to it than this piss-stained 'rivalry' between Killpiss (whoever that is) and me former slave, Bagpipey McHaggis.

Still, I taught Bagpipey McHaggis everything his limited brain could comprehend and so surely that will be enough to see the Scottish peasant through to victory. Bagpipey wins! SIR Chris Cairns! 

Last Globalstar Standing Match
The Mongpiss versus Kolic

I swear, every time I ever pay any attention to Kolic (just in case I ever decide to beat up a random roster member for fun, because this religion-loving idiot would be me first choice!) it seems that he is having some sort of tedious feud with failed laboratory experiment Mongpiss. Well, bout #1,267 in their rivalry will be a "Last Globalstar Standing" match and Cairnsy can only assume that this means whoever drops dead from boredom last will be declared the winner. Who does Cairnsy predict will win this match? GZW2K1's competitors. Who does Cairnsy predict will lose? Ground Zero Global stock. 

"Wild Card" Eddie Knoxville Television Championship Match
"The Big Shot" John Champiss versus Pissper Sanchez

To be perfectly honest, it is a waste of time and regal resources for SIR Chris Cairns to be running down this card. You can probably tell, but I really have no interest in anything beyond the opening bout. So, will John Champiss win or will Pissper Sanchez win? Illegally stream the pay-per-view to find out! 

Winner Gets To Spend The Night As SIR Chris Cairns' Private Entertainment
Lady Munin versus Ring of Honor Icon Lady Eva "Nemesis" Pisskari

Can't we just hire some more midgets so Munin can compete in a division more befitting her menial existence? Cairnsy predicts: hormones, ovaries and dwindling interest in the GrundZero product. Never mind though, because Creation Wrestling II's Genesis airs every Thursday at 2am on GroundZero television and is far superior!

GZW2K1 World Heavyweight Championship Match
Alex Piss versus Ring of Honor Icon Lord Leon Pissbin

Here, did "Vitamin Piss" Gideon Piss ever actually get round to cashing in the cheque that he 'won' from SIR Chris Cairns at Anniversary Armageddon last year, in the match Commissioner Nathaniel Davis unfairly booked because he has an agenda against Cairnsy?

If not, then can't Cairns just get it handed back in some sort of loophole? Because the cheque would still be valid for a cashing in, and I am the reetful owner, so surely I could just cash it in and win the GZW2K1 World Heavyweight Championship from either Alex Piss or Lord Leon Pissbin?

Well, well, pissing well! I suppose there IS a reason to watch Anniversary Armageddon all the way until the end after all! 


Overall Predictions:

SIR Chris Cairns carries the show (yet again) by killing Stephon Davis in the opening bout.

Then, to break up the tedium of the rest of the disgraceful undercard, we are treated to a variety of backstage skits in which SIR Chris Cairns murders all of Stephon Davis' close friends and family members.

A terrific pay-per-view is then rounded out by Cairns interjecting himself into the main event and easily becoming crowned the new GZW2K1 World Heavyweight Champion.

Bonus Prediction: Sean Locke will finally attempt to make that "much-hyped" return of his, only to then piss his knickers in fear when he sees that SIR Chris Cairns reetfully rules the roost! End pay-per-view. 

**card subject to piss**