Creation Wrestling II's Genesis: The Mighty Return

[Sir Chris Cairns]

This year's scintillating edition of Genesis gets underway with an emotional video package showcasing the horrific betrayal SIR Chris Cairns suffered at the hands of his Creation Wrestling II roster at Heatwave 2015. Women and children are seen crying in the Kowloon Park audience as Cairns is battered to a bloody pulp by his former employees. That was the last time Cairns appeared on television – barring a brief appearance on local Manchester television due to news coverage of an alleged offshore tax evasion scheme – but tonight he makes his glorious return and is bringing a whole new roster with him... CREATION WRESTLING III! The video package transitions into showcasing the brand new Creation Wrestling III roster. We see The Vegan cutting up vegetables in his kitchen, chopping a promo about how it is his mission to convert the entire roster to veganism by educating them on nutritional, meat-free alternatives to their current CANCER CAUSING diets. Cairns walks into the pre-taped promo and fires The Vegan on the spot. Cairns then fires the entire (unannounced) Creation Wrestling III roster and instead says he wants to let bygones be bygones before then hiring back the original Creation Wrestling II roster, who all appear on the scene and beat The Vegan to within an inch of his miserable, meatless life. 'Let's chop off his vegan fingers and feed them to him,' Necron cackles, as the segment comes to an abrupt end amidst blood-curdling screams, transitioning into an enthralling video package hyping up tonight's show. Who is the father of Nigel Newborn? Find out tonight with a live DNA test! Which Ring of Honor Icon will make their dramatic return here tonight and sign a deal with Creation Wrestling II? What is the fate of GZW2K1? Drama. Betrayal. Sex. Who will be declared the 2017 Lord of the Coliseum? Find out tonight... only on CREATION WRESTLING III II.

We cut to ringside at Buckingham Palace, Manchester, as fireworks zoom, boom, shoot, whizz, bang, fizzle, pop and crackle into the air – all miraculously spelling out the words "CLANCY McCLEAN IS DEAD AND FOREVER RESTING IN PISSED KNICKERS". SIR Chris Cairns, on commentary, hypes the big return of SIR Chris Cairns here tonight. SIR Chris Cairns, on commentary, states that SIR Chris Cairns is rumoured to be in the building here tonight. Are the rumours true? Is SIR Chris Cairns really going to make his dramatic return at this live broadcast and reveal the truth about what happened to Princess Diana twenty years ago? SIR Chris Cairns implores us to stay tuned!

Our first match of the night is preemptively given a five-star rating by SIR Chris Cairns, until he realises that Charlie Geoheogeoheogeoheogan is one of the contestants. Cairns hastily changes his rating to minus six trillion stars, musing that there probably aren't enough stars in the solar system to negatively rate a Charlie Geoheogeoheogeoheogan match or, indeed, Charlie's life. His opponent is The Illegal Seagull, who squawks his way out to the ring. Charlie cuts a bitter promo, notable for its flowery aroma and bubbly, fruity aftertaste which tantalises the palette. Seagull applies the Crossface Seagullwing, but Charlie fights out of it and hits his patented Irish Whip into the turnbuckle for the three count. Geoheogeoheogan then grabs the microphone and says: "Oi doimoind oi toitoil shoit!" but no one can understand his stupid Irish accent and so Cairns suspends him without pay until he learns to speak the Queen's English and can convince the Irish Government to hand the Republic of Ireland back to the United Kingdom.

A video package airs hyping up the rumours that Chris Cairns is returning here tonight. Cairns, on commentary, dramatically proclaims that there is 'no way' Cairns will return tonight after being 'murdered' at Heatwave two years ago.

BIG BUS BATTLE ROYALE:

According to Cairns, our next match is called a 'Big Bus Battle Royale' and we cut to a local Manchester bus stop while Cairns explains the rules. Basically, the match works in the exact same way that a Royal Rumble would work, with entrants entering the ring at evenly timed intervals, and the only way you could be eliminated would be by getting thrown over the top rope. However, instead of taking place in a wrestling ring, the match will be taking place on a big bus, driven by The Cheery Bus Driver. A random CreationStar will enter the bus whenever it pulls over at a bus stop, and eliminations can only occur when an entrant is thrown through a bus window and BOTH FEET must hit the road.

Anyway, the bus pulls over at a stop on Manchester's affluent financial district known as 'Cairns is Wealthier than McClean Street' and our number one entrant, Necron the Grim Harvester, climbs onto the bus, paying his fare as the rush-hour commuters look on in fear, cowering in their seats. 'WHO WILL THE NUMBER TWO ENTRANT BE?' Cairns dramatically screams on commentary, before the bus then slowly trundles towards the next bus shelter, having to stop at a red traffic light on the way as Necron patiently waits for his opponent.

Eventually, the bus pulls into the shelter and the doors open. The number two entrant, Nationwide, runs onto the bus and hurriedly pays his fare and takes his ticket before turning and beginning to brawl with Necron as the Battle Royal finally begins in earnest. Necron and Nationwide battle in the aisle as the commuters shout things like 'What is going on?' and 'Somebody call the police.' Just then, the bus pulls over again and our number three entrant, Nigel Newborn, is lifted onto the bus in his pushchair by number four entrant, his Mother Suzie Blue. Suzie pays their fare and then struggles to fold up the pushchair as Necron hits Nationwide with a German Suplex at the back of the bus. Suzie cuts a promo, moaning at the passengers for not assisting her in folding the pushchair. She muses that being a single mother is not easy and lambasts the public for their ignorance. Nigel Newborn cries for his dinner while Cairns reminds us that there have still been no eliminations.

Our number five entrant is Welshie Welsh, who tries to use his bus pass, but Cheery Bus Driver informs Welshie that the bus pass is out of date, invalid and needs to be renewed. A dejected Welshie Welsh turns and walks back off the bus, becoming our first elimination of the match as Cheery sets the bus back in motion, turning onto the bustling Manchester tourist hotspot known as 'Clancy McClean Has A Small Penis Avenue.' The bus pulls over and Queenie McQueer boards as our next entrant, mincing his way onto the bus and paying his fare. Some average brawling and lots of very clever bus-related puns from commentator Cairns, before the bus pulls over at the next bus stop and number seven entrant Sargent "Shane Ryder" Soldierdude steps on board, brandishing his machine gun in one hand and a grenade in the other as the passengers scream and justifiably fear for their lives.

At this point the Big Bus Battle Royale is interrupted and we are instead treated to archive footage of SIR Chris Cairns triumphing over certified racist, paedophile and holocaust denier Clancy 'Piss Chairs' McClean in the Heatwave 12 main event (or whatever Heatwave it was) back in 2014 (or whenever year it actually was) with Prince William at ringside. The finish of the match – where Cairns hits McPissclean with a glorious Spinebuster and pins McAssclean's shoulders straight to hell – is replayed fifteen times. And then a further sixty-three times for good measure.

We are back live with the Big Bus Battle Royale and the match has just ended as Nationwide falls out of the bus while it takes a sharp corner, leaving Queenie McQueer as the sole survivor! Queenie McQueer wins the match and is crowned the NEW Creation Wrestling II World Heavyweight Champion in what can only be described as a shocking, limp-wristed upset. Queenie suggests that because he is now transgender and a woman, the belt should become the Women's Championship. Suzie Blue appears from nowhere and hits her patented PMSuplex, pinning Queenie and becoming the new Creation Wrestling II World Heavyweight Women's Champion. Suzie takes issue with her gender being assumed, and states that the belt is now gender fluid, just like she is! She then states that the championship should become a feminist belt, just like she is! SIR Chris Cairns makes his dramatic return, smacking Suzie Blue in the back of the head with his regal sceptre, before pinning Suzie to become the new Creation Wrestling II Intersectional Feminist Gender-Fluid Nations Without Borders All Refugees Welcome Heavyweight Champion. Cairns states that he is so inspired by his gender-fluid CreationStars that he himself is formally announcing that he is RACIALLY fluid. Cairns, with tears running down his cheeks, declares that he now identifies as a black man and celebrates his remarkable achievement as Creation Wrestling II's first ever African-American champion by loudly stating that he is a far better role model to black people than Nathaniel Davis ever was. Fade to halfcast.

TO BE CONTINUED!!! Who will be next to challenge for Cairns' Creation Wrestling II Intersectional Feminist Gender-Fluid Nations Without Borders All Refugees Welcome Black Lives Matter Made From Vegan Leather World Heavyweight Championship? Will Charlie Geoheogeogeoheogeoghan ever denounce his Irish heritage and learn the Queen's English? Will Welshie Welsh ever renew his bus pass? Will African-American hero SIR Chris Cairns continue to cement his legacy as the next Martin Luther King? FIND OUT NEXT TIME ON CREATION WRESTLING II'S GENESIS... THE FINAL SEASON!!!