Post by Sir Chris Cairns on Nov 16, 2017 20:54:35 GMT -6
This week's scintillating edition of Genesis begins with a video package celebrating all of the great, black heroes from recent history. We see such notable figures as Martin Luther King and Nelson Mandela, as well as the inspirational Rosa Parks, who is credited as a key figure in the civil rights movement. Dwarving all of those people and their achievements, naturally, is SIR Chris Cairns – the former 14x GZW2K1 World Heavyweight Champion and former white man who revealed his racial fluidity and black identity last week on Genesis. Indeed, all of these black individuals deserve recognition and adulation – especially SIR Chris Cairns, who rid the world of dastardly white supremacist Clancy McClean in the Heatwave X main event. "Rest in pissed knickers, McClean," concludes narrator Mogan Freeman.
The show begins in earnest (whoever he is) with a marquee match between two combatants who have a big score to settle with one another. Indeed, it is the grudge match to end all grudge matches: The Moody Bus Driver versus The Annoying Cyclist in a battle for bus lane supremacy. "I hate when my big bus gets stuck behind a slow cyclist," Moody laments. The bell rings and Annoying Cyclist rings his bike bell in response for some stupid reason and begins to cycle around the ring in a big circle, causing Moody to get dizzy. The two have a relatively decent match, considering Cyclist never actually dismounts from his bicycle — his Shooting Star Press from the top rope a particular highlight. Just as it looks like Annoying Cyclist is going to win the match with his patented Bicycle Kick, Cheery Bus Driver suddenly hits the ring to interfere. The referee has to throw the match out as siblings Cheery and Moody deliver a vicious, moody and cheery beatdown on Cyclist, hitting the lycra-clad gimp with a double chokeslam and then a tombstone each. Commentator Cairns proclaims that Moody and Cheery are 'The Brothers of Destruction (And Buses)' as the hit song "Rollin' (Big Bus Vehicle)" by Limp Busket plays over the Buckingham Palace PA.
Backstage and there's an ongoing incident as Suzie Blue has just tweeted that she was subject to sexual harassment at the seedy hands of Bake the Cake Roberts, who allegedly exposed his rolling pin to Suzie on a number of occasions. Bake vehemently denies the accusation but the baying mob of CreationStars beat him up anyway. Suzie then claims that she was subjected to repeated harassment at the cold, dead hands of Necron the Grim Harvester, who would show Suzie things even stiffer than the bodies Necron keeps in his morgue. Without even bothering to hear his defence, the baying mob tweet #IBelieveYou before turning on Necron and beating him to within an inch of his lifeless life. Next, Suzie tweets that she was sexually violated by Sargent Soldierdude, who would show Suzie his big gun without her consent. The roster all blindly believe Suzie and go to attack Soldierdude, but Soldierdude actually pulls out his big gun – a sub-automatic machine gun – and threatens to shoot the entire roster dead, just like he did to 'those wheelchair orphans in Iraq'. SIR Chris Cairns senses that things are spiralling out of control and leaves his commentary booth to head backstage. Cairns says that as a racially fluid black man, he has seen so much social injustice and implores his roster to stick together. Suzie retorts that Cairns doesn't get a say in this matter because 'straight black men are the white people of black people.' Cairns channels his inner hip-hop artist and pimp slaps Suzie so hard across her face that she somersaults backwards and into the locker room kitchen, to audible cheers and applause from the rest of the (all-male) roster who tell her to make them a sandwich platter—except former Intercontinental Champion, The Sandwich, who instead demands a seafood platter.
Next up is a commercial break which hypes the biggest smash-hit video game of the upcoming holiday season. Is it Super Mario Odyssey? Assassin's Creed Origins, perhaps? Of course not! It's the long-awaited sequel to 2011's smash-hit: SUPER UNCLE SIR CHRIS CAIRNS KART II! The commercial is set on an aeroplane and features a slightly overweight, middle-aged, balding and altogether unremarkable looking man playing the game on his Nintendo Switch. A glamour model sits down in the seat next to the man and she is strikingly beautiful – all your hottest fantasies rolled into one. She looks over at the man playing on his Nintendo Switch and, in whatever your favourite sexy accent is, she says 'Wow, you are playing ze new Zuper Uncle ZIR Chris Cairns Kart II game zat iz available in all shops where games are zold right now!' The man shyly nods his confirmation, blushing as he seems surprised that such an attractive supermodel would even notice him. 'Zat game is zo cool! You have great tazte! Here, have mein phone number,' the lady says, as she scribbles her phone number down on a napkin with her lipstick. 'Six months later' and we see the wedding of ugly man and his hot wife, and it was all thanks to Super Uncle SIR Chris Cairns Kart II! No actual gameplay footage was shown, but we are promised that Cairns will be a racially fluid black man in the game – who is subject to frequent pullovers from the police – and his former white self will be a hidden unlockable.
Back to Buckingham Palace and it's time for our next match which will be between veterans Nationwide and Cracker Jack. The two grizzled oldtimers make their way out to the ring and the fans are actually looking forward to seeing the old foes tussle once more as their storied rivalry nears its 20th year. However, the match is immediately thrown out as SIR Chris Cairns hits the ring like a ton of bricks to deliver some shocking news regarding his latest theory that Clancy McClean isn't actually dead. Indeed, Cairns hypothesises that McClean isn't resting in pissed knickers and that he faked his own death. Cairns suggests that a team of private investigators have 'absolute proof' that McClean is still alive, living under his new identity as the current President of the United States. Cairns then very plainly states that he will assassinate the U.S. President live at Creation Wrestling II's upcoming December pay-per-view, Aftermath2K17. That's the end of the bit. No real gag or punchline to close on. Cairns has simply promised to murder the President of America. Cracker Jack asks if he and Nationwide can get on with having their match now and Cairns fires both men on the spot, bringing their twenty-year Creation Wrestling II careers to an end.
Conspicuous by his absence, we see that Charlie Geoheogeoheogeoheogeoheogan is in his native Dublin this week, where he has requested an audience with Irish Prime Minister Paddy McCloverleaf. The two speak to one another in mysterious Irish tongues, but the topic of conversation seems to be the fact that Charlie really wants a Creation Wrestling II Intersectional Feminist Gender-Fluid Nations Without Borders All Refugees Welcome Black Lives Matter Made From Vegan Leather World Heavyweight Championship match and he won't get one unless Ireland hands itself back to the United Kingdom (per Cairns' stipulation, in a rare yet refreshing showcase of continuity). Paddy McCloverleaf says this is a mighty big ask, but surprisingly agrees to Charlie's plea. McCloverleaf signs the documentation and, just like that, the Republic of Ireland belongs to the United Kingdom, and Ireland becomes whole again. Paddy says that if Charlie doesn't win the title then there will be a lot of very angry republicans wanting to have a word with him! Charlie's title shot will be tonight's main event and he is hurriedly ushered onto a plane where he will fly from Dublin and straight to Buckingham Palace to face SIR Chris Cairns. 'Ye boitter noit doisappoint moi, Choirloi,' warns McCloverleaf. Charlie promises victory for himself and ALL of Ireland in tonight's main event as he takes his seat on the plane.
It's main event time and the bell rings but Charlie's plane hasn't even taken off from Dublin yet and so the referee counts him out. DING! DING! DING! Cairns wins and retains his championship and Geoheogeoheogeohan has let down his entire country and all his family and friends. Cairns does a lap of honour around the ring while a massive Union Jack flag unravels from the ceiling. On the run from some very angry Irish nationalists, Charlie has no choice but to flee the country and asks his pilot, The Cheery Bus Driver, to divert the plane to Bordeaux, where Charlie laments that he will have to start again. Meanwhile, it is announced that Cairns will receive a second knighthood from the Queen for finally bringing Ireland back to the United Kingdom and he will be known as SIR SIR Chris Cairns – an achievement undoubtedly greater than Lord Kaos winning the stupid Lord of the Coliseum twice.
With the main event concluded, we are now outside of Buckingham Palace, Manchester, with SIR Chris Cairns staging some sort of protest rally, wearing a t-shirt that reads "BLACK LIVES MATTER (EXCEPT NATHANIEL DAVIS)". The supposed protest generally consists of Cairns screaming through a megaphone at the passing rush-hour traffic, insisting that Nathaniel Davis ruined GZW2K1 by giving too much power to the white-privileged and Oxford-educated dunce known as Jon Kellar. The protest is interrupted by a counter-protest from Welshie Welsh, who marches into the scene with a placard which reads "WELSH LIVES MATTER". Cairns tells Welshie to check his privilege and the two get into a bit of an argument, which is interrupted as the Illegal Seagull squawks into view with a sign which reads "SEAGULL LIVES MATTER", followed by Cop Kahn Moral goosestepping into view with a sign that reads "COP LIVES MATTER." The three men and a seagull generally bicker among themselves and continue to do so until Willaim Black enters the scene, with both a t-shirt and placard reading "BLACK'S LIFE MATTERS!" Everyone turns and stares daggers at Black before they all join forces and proceed to give the much-hated villain a well-deserved beating. William Black begs for mercy as Cairns, Seagull, Welshie and Moral all smack him with their placards and put the boots in. The four men are soon joined by the entire Creation Wrestling II roster, who relish the opportunity to beat Black to within an inch of his life. Amidst the screams, Morgan Freeman concludes that there is always hope for peace, so long as we can all work together for a better future; so long as we can all love and care for one another. We all bleed and cry and we all have different stories we can tell, and different things we can teach one another. Whether we are black or white or a beautiful mixture of both, so long as we all remember that we are all human beings then we can all come together and forever remain united in our hatred of William Black.
Black's Life Matters t-shirt now for sale on the Creation Wrestling II website for just $59.99.
