Creation Wrestling II

[Sir Chris Cairns]

Indy Fed Name: Creation Wrestling II
Style: Sports Entertainment
Base Location: Manchester, England
Age: 28 Years
Owner: Sir Chris Cairns
Finance: Wealthy

ROSTER

An Orange * star signifies that the wrestler was a member of the original Creation Wrestling.

The Annoying Cyclist
Typical heel cyclist who is a constant public nuisance on both roads and sidewalks.

Asexual Chocolate
Giant, seductive bar of chocolate who is asexual.

Bagpipey McHaggis
Stereotypical Scottish caricature. Sunny disposition but quick to anger.

Billy The Brilliant*
Longtime midcard talent who is trusty, reliable and overly hyperactive. Colourful ring attire and face paints.

The Cheery Bus Driver
A cheery bus driver who is always happy to help. Drives a big bus to the ring.

Cracker Jack*
A roster member since Creation's formation. Stale bad-ass who rides a motorbike to the ring.

Freddie Fender
A guitarist who often performs guitar solos during his matches.

The Invisible Man
Invisible wrestler.

Jamo*
Longtime tag partner of Technine. They have a 'ghetto thug' gimmick.

Jesus Christ
Son of God. Especially vulnerable to Crucifix Armbars.

Commissioner John Smith
The world's most boring authority figure ever. Holds no authority over the locker room whatsoever. Zero charisma.

The Lawyer
Practices both law and kicking ass inside the ring.

The Loch Ness Monster
Resembles an average-sized lake trout, yet billed as the mythical Loch Ness Monster. Kept in a small fish tank.

Lord Seth Raide's Badass Pet Pterodactyl
Large flying dinosaur from the Jurassic era said to be owned by legendary Globalstar Seth Raide.

The Moody Bus Driver
A very moody bus driver who relishes making life miserable for his passengers and fellow Globalstars. Drives a big, mean looking bus to the ring.

Nationwide*
Generic midcarder who has been around since the late nineties.

Necron the Grim Harvester
Harvester of souls, mortician, undertaker, grave digger, coroner, casket manufacturer, hearse driver and so much more.

Nigel Newborn
A baby who is pushed around in a pram.

Poopy McPooperson
Dastardly heel who literally shits on his opponents, their possessions, and anything else he can lay his ass upon. College sociology professor. 

Queenie McQueer
Creation's token gay wrestler. Dresses in pink PVC.

Red X
Mysterious enigma.

Santa Claus
It's Santa Claus! And he's in one helluva foul mood!

Sarah Summers*
Typical damsel in distress. Love interest/wife of Spike Summers. Often kidnapped by Cracker Jack.

Sergeant Soldierdude
Carbon copy of IGW's Lieutenant Armyman but with better camouflage paints.

Spike Summers*
Creation's main rival for Cracker Jack. Is billed as a legitimate vampire, cashing in on the Twilight saga's popularity.

Susie Blue
Legitimate supermodel who is self-conscious about her weight and general appearance. Sleazy colleagues always hit on her.

Technine*
Jamo's tag team partner. Ghetto gimmick.

Welshie Welsh
A Welsh patriot who is very, very proud of his country... much to the amusement of Chris Cairns, who subjects the character to endless amounts of anti-Welsh mockery and ridicule.

William Black's Son
Stolen from IGW. William Black's son. Tall Asian man.

Wlliam Black's Wife
Stolen from IGW. William Black's wife. Fat Jamaican woman.

William White
The friendliest Globalstar ever. Even the meanest of heels can't be nasty to him.

Creation Wrestling II Alumni:
Cara Caprice, Marcello Dias, Kris Kraven, Davie Peters, Billy Costigan, Cop Kahn Moral, Keyboard Warrior, Manchester Man, Martin Martins, Monty Motivator, Poncey McPoof, Rich Patterson, Trash Taylor, Wathan Nilliams & Black Widow.

[Sir Chris Cairns]

GENESIS 17/05/2008

Live @ Manchester Evening News Arena


Cracker Jack arrived backstage on his motorbike to cut a promo on rival, the vampire Spike Summers. Jack said he'd end Summers' career in tonight's main event.

Jamo and Technine (Da Konnection) defeated Shadowblade and Kane Doomhammer (Agents of Apololypse) in the night's opening bout. Technine pinned Doomhammer falling a GhettoPlex from the top rope.

Backstage, Cracker Jack once more attempted to kidnap Sarah Summers, only to be foiled by Spike Summers. Spike attempted to such Jack's blood, but the World Champion was quick to retreat. Spike checked on his human sister, saying it took all his effort to refrain from eating her flesh. It should be noted internet fans have been highly critical of the vampire gimmick in recent weeks.

Next, Santa Claus came out to the ring on his sleigh and began to verbally assault all the children in the audience, telling them they wouldn't get any presents this year. Cara Caprice appeared and smashed Santa in the face with her trademark spinning heel kick. Chants for Bane were audible during this segment.

Blade Arkhan defeated Trash in a squash match. Again, chants of Bane were heard during this match, much to the annoyance of Blade, his old rival.

The Bane-Shees (Billy The Brilliant and Kris Kraven) defeated The Kabongs in a match for the tag team championship. Yet more chants for Bane were heard in this match, as they often are during a Bane-Shee match-up. Kraven won it, pinning Kabong Senior with the Kriss Kross.

Backstage, a weeping Spike Summers vowed to suck Cracker Jack's body dry of any blood in tonight's main event.

Nationwide lost to Marcello Dias in a highly technical encounter for the ReCreation Championship. After the match, both men shook hands.

Santa Claus defeated Cara Caprice under controversial circumstances, using severed raindeer antlers to hit her with a five star frogsplash when the referee's back was turned. Caprice had to be stretchered from the ring.

Backstage, Black Widow was in her dungeon, offering her dominatrix services to any man brave enough. Flipp Cannon entered, boasting that - as a man - he was far superior to Black Widow, and challenged her to a match at next week's Genesis. Widow accepted. Ethan Sebastian then entered, claiming Cannon was a pervert, merely hoping Widow would dominate him sexually next week. Cannon and Ethan began bickering, Black Widow suggesting a triple threat match next week. All three agreed.

In the night's main event, Cracker Jack and Spike Summers fought to a no-contest. Jack tried to hit Spike with a steel chair, hitting the referee instead. A second official came to the ring as Spike attempted to suck Jack's blood, and disqualified both men. They had to be restrained by scores of security as the show went off air.

[Sir Chris Cairns]

For reasons unbeknown to anyone, Chris Cairns has a 'rejuvenated interest' in overseeing and booking Creation II's flagship television show, "Genesis."

For the first time in almost eight years, Cairns (hurriedly) signed a brand new addition to the aging roster:

"The Squillion Dollar Douche" Poncey McPoof
Poncey is a mean-spirited billionaire character of limited intelligence and class. Cairns tells us that McPoof is "a fat idiot."

It will be interesting to see how the next episode of Genesis plays out!

[Sir Chris Cairns]

G E N E S I S
19th April 2011 @ MEN Arena, Manchester

Budget fireworks go off in the Manchester Evening News Arena as the crowd of 3, 246 cheer in anticipation. Our announce team - Francis Lee and Des Aster - give a rundown on the night's card, and especially hype the upcoming debut of Creation II's newest in-ring talent, Poncey McPoof. As if on cue, we head to the backstage car park where we see a white stretch, stretch, stretch limo sitting idly, with the windows blacked out. The camera zooms in on the personalised numerplate which reads "P00F." The announcers speculate that this could very well be the limo belonging to Poncey.

We head back out to ringside for our first match, pitching Marcello Dias against Blade Arkhan. Their two styles do not mesh very well as the powerhouse Arkhan struggles to sell Marcello's lucha-libre offense. Arkhan eventually gets the win with a big Powerbomb. Creation really need to get some new blood on the roster, Marcello one of the most youthful at 38.

We head backstage. Creation II's senior and forever unnamed interviewer is visibly excited, speculating that Chris Cairns - president of the company - is here tonight for the first time in almost a decade! Apparently, rumours are running rampant that Cairns is set to sell Creation to a new owner tonight! Our announcers ponder their futures as we cut to commercial.

Back from commercial and World Heavyweight Champion, Cracker Jack - who has held the title since 2003 - speeds into the car park on his trademark motorcycle. He dismounts and strides through the backstage area with purpose. He is suddenly blindsided by legitimate vampire and number one contender to the title, Spike Summers, who beats Jack to the ground before attempting to suck his blood. Spike - who is wearing a Twilight t-shirt as Creation shamelessly attempts to appear hip and cool - is chased off by a bunch of jobbers. They check on the groggy Cracker Jack as he slowly makes his way back to his feet. The announcers sell the fact that this feud between Cracker Jack and Spike Summers has been going on for eleven years!

Back in the car park and we are once again viewing the mysterious limosuine which the announcers think belongs to Creation's newest signing, Poncey McPoof. Francis Lee heard that McPoof is a squillionaire. Des Aster speculates that McPoof may be the man purchasing Creation from Chris Cairns right here tonight! The announcers then proudly boast that Creation II is now trending on Twitter... in Manchester, at least...

Our second match of the night sees the Creation Tag Team Championships on the line. The Bane-Shees, Kris Kraven and Billy The Brilliant, are defending against Da Konnection, JaMo and Technine. Des Aster points out that The Bane-Shees have held the titles for nine years! A good back and fourth match. Billy wins it with the Brilliant Bomb. Cut to commercial.

Back from commercial and our nameless backstage interviewer is on the hunt for Chris Cairns, but hasn't been able to find him as of yet.

Back in the ring and wrestler/dominatrix Black Widow is showing off all the toys she likes to use to bring her opponents 'to their knees.' Amongst the weapons, Widow showcases a ball gag, wooden cane, gimp mask, and her patented leather bullwhip. She doesn't think any 'pathetic men' in the back will be brave enough to face her here tonight. She says she'd just 'torture them slowly' and make them 'beg for mercy' whilst 'spanking them viciously.' She issues an open challenge.

At least half of the male roster instantly (and eagerly) step out onto the entrance stage. Black Widow is dumbfounded as the male wrestlers all begin to bicker on stage about who gets to face her. A full-scale brawl breaks out. Commissioner John Smith wades in and suggests next week we have a Battle Royale, where the winner gets to go on a date with Black Widow. Widow sternly suggests that she wanted something a little more 'extreme' than a date. John Smith agrees, and says whoever wins the Battle Royale will get to marry Black Widow, right here next week! Widow sells confusion, especially as Commisioner Smith eagerly enters himself into the Battle Royale too.

Tune in next week to see which lucky CreationStar gets to marry Black Widow!

Backstage and Cracker Jack cuts a promo talking about how he's sick and tired of Spike Summers trying to drink his blood (as has been the case for the past nine years). Jack says their match at the next PPV - their 31st consecutive main event against one another - will be a First Blood Match.

Our nameless backstage interviewer is still on the hunt for Chris Cairns. And still standing in the same spot. The announcers hype the big debut here tonight of Poncey McPoof, as well as the alleged return of Cairnsy.

Our third match of the night sees Santa Claus - who is being built as a monster heel - defeat Rich Patterson in a squash. Post match, Santa beats up Patterson with a Christmas tree. We head to commercial.

Back from commercial and it's the moment we've all been waiting for. "The Squillion Dollar Douche" Poncey McPoof makes his (obese) way down to the ring. Once inside, he informs everybody that he is going to purchase Creation II and become the new owner. Zero heat here. The announcers suggest that McPoof lacks the ability to sustain crowd interest. Des Aster claims McPoof isn't even half the man Chris Cairns is. Obviously reading from a script, Francis Lee suggests that McPoof is a failure because he didn't deliver the second annual Neophyte of the Year tournament back in 2005, and his HowWire Magazine column is shit, and he was the worst 'Chris Cairns Show' guest ever. Um... what?

Suddenly, Chris Cairns hits the ring to a massive roar of approval. McPoof looks visibly terrified here as Cairns frowns at him. Stuttering through fear, McPoof politely asks if Cairns will allow him to purchase Creation II. Cairns tells his to "fuck off." A humble McPoof says Chris Cairns is the greatest person in the history of the universe. Cairns nods his agreement before decking McPoof with a clothesline. The fans have absolutely no idea what to make of this. Cairns pulls off McPoof's tuxedo trousers to reveal a pair of soiled pantyhose. The crowd is utterly silent as Genesis goes off the air.

[Sir Chris Cairns]

G E N E S I S
6th May 2011 @ MEN Arena, Manchester

Our announcers welcome us to another exciting edition of Genesis. They hype up the big Battle Royale where the winner will be crowned the new husband/eternal slave of dominatrix CreationStar, Black Widow. Also tonight: The Creation World Heavyweight Championship is on the line as champion Cracker Jack once again defends against legitimate vampire, "The Vampire" Spike Summers.

We head backstage where Poncey McPoof is flaunting his disgusting wealth, carrying an oversized Mastercard with him as he weaves his fat way through the corridors. "The Squillion Dollar Douche" looks like he means business here tonight, the announcers reminding us that he soiled his pantyhose in fear last week due to his confrontation with "Smooth Operator" Chris Cairns. Our senior and forever unnamed interviewer comes into shot and asks Poncey what his intentions are tonight. Poncey says he his "determined" to purchase Creation II from Chris Cairns. The announcers again stress the fact that Poncey soiled his pantyhose last week.

Our Creation World Heavyweight Championship bout will be the first match of the evening. The Twilight franchise theme music begins to play as challenger Spike Summers makes his way out, threatening to suck the blood of the fans. "The Irish Bad-Ass" Cracker Jack speeds out to ringside on his motorcycle next and the match soon gets up and running. Punches. Kicks. Spike goes for the Vampire Bite but Jack reverses into a Cracker Bomb for the win. Standard fare between these two wily veterans.

Backstage and Commissioner John Smith - who is every bit as boring as he sounds - announces that the next Pay-Per-View main event will be revolutionary. It will be Spike Summers challenging for Cracker Jack's Creation World Heavyweight Championship (again) because "it's what the fans want to see!" The crowd let out a weak cheer. John Smith, perhaps thinking that the camera has cut, sighs and proclaims he hates his life. Commercial break.

Back from the break and the demonic Santa Claus makes his way out to ringside for a match with Jack Impact. Santa makes short work of Impact, putting him away with the Santa Bomb. After the match, Santa beats Impact up with a pair of severed reindeer antlers.

A commercial airs plugging Chris Cairns's upcoming apearence at GZW2K1 'Manchester Again.' The VO man really puts Cairns over as "The greatest HotWire Magazine columnist of all time, Clancy McClean paling in comparison."

It's now time for the big Battle Royale where the winner is crowned the husband/slave of Black Widow. Pretty much the entire roster, plus Commissioner John Smith, eagerly make their way down to ringside. The match gets underway with eleiminations coming thick and fast. The final four are Santa Claus, Cracker Jack, Spike Summers and Kris Kraven. Jack and Spike eliminate one another, flipping over the top rope and to the floor. It's between Santa and Kraven. After an epic battle which spans the ages, Kraven hits Santa with an Arm Bar, before guiding him over to the ropes, hurling him to the outside. Kris Kraven wins. He celebrates jubilantly, diving over the top rope and running to the backstage area to prepare for his wedding to professional dominatrix, Black Widow.

Chris Cairns suddenly appears on the CreationTron, to massive cheers of approval. Appearing via satallite link-up from his Manchester house (which is half a kilometre away from the arena) Cairns proclaims himself too important to be at tonight's show, but has a special announcement to make anyway. In a fiendish twist, Cairns announces that Kris Kraven did not win the Battle Royale, but that Poncey McPoof - who did not even enter - was in fact the rightful winner! The fans are bewildered. Cairns tells us all that McPoof must marry and become the slave of Black Widow. McPoof is brought out to the ring wearing manacles. Cairns also informs us that the woman who usually portrays Black Widow has been deported back to Wales as her immigration papers were forged, and so Cairns has found a new women to be Poncey's wife/mistress. Out she comes to the ring:

Poncey pleads for mercy. The new Black Widow comes into the ring and whips Poncey into the turnbuckle, the announcers officially proclaiming McPoof and Widow "man and wife." Widow runs into the corner and hits Poncey with a Stinkface, holding this position for an alarming amount of time as McPoof struggles. Fans are leaving the arena at this point, Cairns announcing that he will face McPoof at the upcoming pay-per-view. If McPoof wins, he gets to divorce Black Widow and can purchase Creation Wrestling II. If Cairns wins, then McPoof must... proclaim that Cairns is the greatest HotWire Magazine columnist of all time.

The show fades to black 1 hour and 45 minutes before schedule.

[Sir Chris Cairns]

G E N E S I S
11th May 2011 @ MEN Arena, Manchester

This week's exciting edition of Genesis gets underway here in the Manchester Evening News Arena with our announcers - Francis Lee and Des Aster - proclaiming that tonight's show will bring you all the exclusive fallout and reaction to GZW2K1 Manchester Again, tonight's show featuring appearances from Quake, and even a mysterious enigma who won the 2002 Lord of the Coliseum. That's weird, a blatant lie, and an obvious and shameful attempt to increase ratings.

Santa Claus - who is being built as the next big monster heel - comes out to the ring to take on Flipp Cannon in the night's opening bout. It's an easy win for Claus as he hits the Santa Bomb for a victory within sixty seconds. After the match, Santa repeatedly bashes Cannon over the head with a box of Christmas Crackers.

Midway through the vicious assault and Commissioner John Smith boringly appears on the CreationTron, the fans taking absolutely no notice of wrestling's dullest authority figure since Shane Ryder's days as GZW2K1 Deputy Commissioner. In a monotone voice, Smith says he is fed-up with Santa Claus injuring CreationStars, and has decided to 'teach him a lesson.' Smith announces that Santa will face a mystery opponent at the upcoming pay-per-view, before then proclaiming that it is time for a "Damn... good... sleep." The crowd go absolutely wild with cheers upon hearing that famous catchphrase. Commercial break.

Back from commercial and John Smith hastily apologises for the "dreadful mistake" he made before the break. Smith says that he unknowingly uttered the catchphrase of GZW2K1's Bane, before then stating that he was merely making us aware of the fact that he was tired and needing a nice lie down. Smith informs us that Santa's mystery opponent at the pay-per-view will not be Bane, but will in fact be GZW2K1's The Kraken. Boos from the crowd.

Our next match of the evening pits Marcello Dias and Rich Patterson against Billy The Brilliant and Kris Kraven, with the Tag Team Championships on the line. It is an amazing match which spans the ages and Billy and Kris retain when Kraven hits Marcello with the Kris Bomb.

A photograph of Quake appears on the CreationTron for five seconds.

Backstage and Nationwide - the current ReCreation Champion - is cutting a random promo whereby he is talking trash about his opponents at the upcoming PPV. Nationwide will apparently face Acid Rain, Blade Arkhan, Dream, Marcello Dias, Trash and Ethan Sebastian in a Six-Pack Match with his ReCreation Championship on the line. Given that Nationwide hasn't appeared on television or at house shows in over six years, nobody remembers who he is and the promo is met with silence.

Backstage once again and "The Black Rose" John Smith is sat in his boring Commissioner's office, a framed picture of Shane Ryder inexplicably placed on his desk. Smith announces that Nationwide is returning from injury at the upcoming pay-per-view, after a six year absence due to medical complications with an ingrown face, Smith making the "exclusive" announcement that Nationwide will defend his ReCreation Championship in a Six-Pack match against Acid Rain, Blade Arkhan, Dream, Marecello Dias, Trash and Ethan Sebastian. Smith then picks up the photograph of Shane Ryder and lets out a longing sigh before his lip trembles. Commercial break.

Back from break and Poncey McPoof and Black Widow - husband and wife - are in the ring. McPoof is caught in the Stinkface again in the corner, the announcers telling us that poor Poncey has been trapped in the Stinkface position since last week's show went off air! Chris Cairns appears on the CreationTron via satellite link-up, again proclaiming himself to be too important to make an appearance in-person, despite the fact he was in this very arena last night for Manchester Again, and only lives around the corner. Cairns says that McPoof is shite, before hyping their match at the upcoming pay-per-view. Cairns reminds McPoof - who looks to have suffocated - that if Cairnsy wins the match, then McPoof must proclaim "The Cairns Opinion" to be the greatest HotWire Magazine column of all time. This really is bizarre television. The shows ends with the announcers hyping the upcoming pay-per-view. A still image of Lord Deacon Kane from eight years ago appears on screen for thirty seconds, with the caption below reading "Lord Deacon Kane endorses Creation II." The transmission ends.

CARD FOR UPCOMING PAY-PER-VIEW "HEATRAVE VVVVX"

CREATION WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP: FIRST BLOOD MATCH
"The Irish Badass" Cracker Jack vs. "The Vampire" Spike Summers

THE ULTIMATE BATTLE OF GOOD VERSUS SHITE*
Chris "Uncle" Cairns vs. "The Squillion Dollar Douche" Poncey McPoof

EXCITING SINGLES MATCH
"Nasty Mad Bastard" Santa Claus vs. The Kraken

RECREATION CHAMPIONSHIP: SIX-PACK MATCH
Nationwide vs. Ethan Sebastian vs. Marcello Dias vs. Acid Rain vs. Dream vs. Trash

CREATION TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
Billy The Brilliant & Kris Kraven vs. Jamo & Technine

COMING THIS WEEKEND!!!!

* = If Chris Cairns wins then Poncey McPoof must proclaim Cairns as the greatest HotWire Magazine columnist of all time. If Poncey wins then he gets to divorce Black Widow and takeover Creation II.

[Sir Chris Cairns]

LIVE FROM THE MANCHESTER EVENING NEWS ARENA!!!

BACKSTAGE

The pay-per-view begins backstage with Commissioner "The Black Rose" John Smith, who is in his office, various watercolour portraits of Shane Ryder adorning the walls. John tells us that he forgot to inform 90% of the roster that they were wrestling here tonight, and so they haven't turned up. The announcers big this up as a symbol of just how "unpredictable and exciting" Creation Wrestling is. John tells us that The Kraken vs. Santa Claus and Chris Cairns vs. Poncey McPoof matches are still going ahead. Fade. This is going to be a long three hours.

----

DID YOU KNOW?

"Smooth Operator" Billy Bond really wanted to wrestle for Creation but was tricked by GZW2K1 into signing a contract with them instead.

----

BACKSTAGE

We're back again with Commissioner "The Black Rose" John Smith who doesn't realise the camera is on him, and is caressing a Shane Ryder toy figurine whilst rocking back and fourth. He eventually spots the camera and dunks the figure in a jar of lubricant. He states that, due to an unfortunate oversight, Creation II has just lost the bidding war for The Kraken to bitter and shitty rivals, Insane Gods of Wrestling. But John informs us that Santa Claus will still have a mythical opponent here tonight, Santa currently flying his sleigh up to Scotland to take on The Loch Ness Monster.

Commissioner "The Black Rose" John Smith

----

VIDEO PACKAGE

Next, two hours worth of re-runs from Creation's glory years take up the majority of the pay-per-view.

----

EXCITING SINGLES MATCH
Santa Claus vs. "The Artist Formerly Known As The Kraken" The Loch Ness Monster

Santa Claus arrives at Loch Ness and looks to be visibly pissed-off. Swaggering along the bonny banks, he comes across a fisherman. Santa punches the fisherman in the face before throwing him into the Loch. Santa takes the fisherman's fishing rod and casts it out into the Loch, before taking a seat on a nearby (conveniently-placed) steel chair and waiting patiently. Our announcers explain that Claus is hoping to reel in the mythical Loch Ness Monster so this match can get underway! This might take some time, so we head back to the arena.

----

SHANE RYDER MERCHANDISE AUCTION FOR CHARITY

In the ring and Commissioner "The Black Rose" John Smith announces that we will be holding an auction whilst we wait for The Loch Ness Monster to appear. Smith says he will auction off some of his extensive collection of Shane Ryder merchandise, with all of the money raised going to charity in order to help the needy.

The first item up for auction is an autographed Shane Ryder poster. John Smith asks for bids. There are none. After an awkward few moments, it turns out that nobody wants to buy an autographed Shane Ryder poster.

The second item up for auction is a "once in a lifetime opportunity" to hang out with Shane Ryder for the day, and go have dinner with him at a lovely restaurant. Smith reminds us that all money raised from this auction shall go to charity in order to help the less fortunate. Smith asks for an opening bid. There isn't one. John Smith tries to blackmail the fans with the fact that all money raised will go to worthy causes. Still no bids. It turns out that nobody wants to hang out with Shane Ryder... even for the sake of charity!

The third item up for auction is a Shane Ryder-themed penis enlargement pump. It has his face on the box alongside some Japanese writing. John Smith asks if anybody wants to make a bid. One of the few fans in the audience tonight actually makes a bid of seven pounds, but "only because it's for charity." Smith asks if there are any advances. There are none. The Shane Ryder Penis Enlarger sells for seven pounds!

The auction 'winner' comes to the ring to receive his prize. He enquires as to what charity this auction is actually benefiting. John Smith responds that this auction was conceived in order to raise money for "The Shane Ryder Foundation" and now, with thanks to the seven pounds raised here tonight, Shane Ryder will have enough money to eat for at least another three days!

----

EXCITING SINGLES MATCH (PART 2)
Santa Claus vs. "The Artist Formerly Known As The Kraken" The Loch Ness Monster

We head back to Loch Ness where Santa is still fishing for his opponent, The Loch Ness Monster. Suddenly, Santa's fishing rod catches a bite! Santa furiously reels with all his might as the announcers speculate that we could be just moments away from the debut of The Loch Ness Monster, who is "a far superior athlete to IGW's The Kraken."

After an epic battle, Santa finally reels The Loch Ness Monster to land!! The announcers go absolutely wild! The Loch Ness Monster - who looks eerily similar to an average-sized lake trout - flops around vigorously on the ground, no doubt in a devious attempt to taunt Santa Claus. The bell rings to get this match underway - DING! DING! DING! - a referee suddenly bursting onto the scene in order to survey the action, giving The Loch Ness Monster a brief rundown on the rules.

Santa Claus tries to lock The Loch Ness Monster in a Boston Crab, but the wily mythical beast squirms out of it, before continuing to flop crazily on the floor, clearly in an attempt to disorientate Santa. Santa picks up the steel chair and slams it down on The Loch Ness Monster, blood and guts splattering everywhere as the referee calls for the bell, disqualifying Santa. The announcers condemn Santa's heinous actions as EMTs arrive on scene to lift the various dismembered pieces of The Loch Ness Monster onto a stretcher. Claus demands a rematch, our announcers noting that this feud is far from over.

----

THE ULTIMATE BATTLE OF GOOD VERSUS SHITE
Chris "Uncle" Cairns vs. "The Squillion Dollar Douche" Poncey McPoof

Poncey McPoof comes out to the ring with no music and zero fanfare. The dozen or so fans in the arena are silent, thunderous jeers being piped-in over the loudspeakers. He does some stupid squats in the ring whilst arena security personnel throw rotten vegetables at him, the announcers reminding us that he soiled his pantyhose on Genesis three weeks ago.

The opening clangs of "For Whom The Bell Tolls" by Metallica begin to play, each ring of the bell accompanied by a blinding white flash of white and a deafening explosion. A bunch of giant, human-sized shields appear on the entrance stage and form a line. There are all sorts of fancy pyrotechnics as the music continues and the giant shields stand in unison, doing nothing in particular. Suddenly, the shields waddle off to each side of the stage, revealing Chris Cairns... who appears to have a Union Jack tablecloth draped over his head. All the lights go out, and the music ceases with one final clang of the bell.

After a few seconds of pitch-black silence, Cairnsy's traditional theme music of "Stuck In The Middle With You" begins to play, the lights coming back on as Cairns makes his way down to the ring (minus the Union Jack tablecloth). Cairns looks like he means business here tonight, Poncey McPoof's knees knocking together in fear.

The bell rings. McPoof pisses himself. Cairns decks McPoof with a punch. It's good for the three-count. Cairns sticks a microphone in McPoof's fat, stupid face. Poncey tearfully proclaims: "The Cairns Opinion is the greatest HotWire Magazine column ever!" Our announcers cite this as "conclusive evidence" that Chris Cairns is amazing and Clancy McClean is not. And that's your pay-per-view. We go off the air with a static image of Lord Deacon Kane and a caption below reading: "Lord Deacon Kane approves of this pay-per-view and thinks it was worth his money!"

[Sir Chris Cairns]

G E N E S I S
MEN Arena, Manchester

This week's Genesis event begins on the streets of Manchester City Centre. We're at one of the busy inner-city bus stops, members of the public standing side by side with glum faces as they await their ride home. Suddenly, accompanied by music more akin to something you'd hear coming from an ice cream truck, a big bus drives into the scene, the door opening to reveal The Cheery Bus Driver. Woops and cheers can be heard from the commuters as Cheery welcomes them onto his bus, engaging in witty banter with a big smile on his face as he inspects his passengers' tickets. Our announcers inform us that upon finishing his shift and clocking out down at the bus station, The Cheery Bus Driver will be making his Creation II debut tonight in a match against legitimate vampire "The Vampire" Spike Summers.

Ringside and the traditional Creation II opening music plays as budget fireworks explode everywhere and fans wave their placards. Our announce team of Des Aster and Francis Lee welcome us to tonight's event. They hype the big rematch between Santa Claus and The Loch Ness Monster as tonight's main event, before also informing us that Chris Cairns will have a few words to say about Clancy McClean. Sounds like we have an excellent show ahead!!

Without any prior warning, William Black's Wife and Son make their way out to the ring alongside Commissioner "The Black Rose" John Smith as the announcers act shocked and surprised. Smith - wearing a Shane Ryder t-shirt with a big red "90% OFF CLEARENCE SALE" sticker on it - takes the mic and says that, in a terrific coup, he has snatched William Black's Wife and Son away from rival promotion Insane Gods of Wrestling. Smith pauses to allow the fans to cheer. Silence. Smith continues that William Black's Wife and Son realised that Creation II was the far superior promotion.

Suddenly, the theme music of Chris Cairns hits, to a loud roar of approval. Cairns comes to the ring and welcomes William Black's Wife and Son to Creation II. Black's Son takes the microphone, claiming that IGW - and Clancy McClean - are lame. In what appears to be a legitimate angry shoot promo, Black's Son says he and Black's Wife were written off IGW television with the claim that they were "eaten by The Kraken." Black's Son insists that The Kraken doesn't even exist, and that IGW is a fraudulent promotion that exists only for Clancy McClean's perverse amusement. Chris Cairns nods his agreement.

Cairns says he is "shocked but not surprised" that Clancy McClean would lie about the existence of The Kraken. Cairns then cuts a big, epic promo on Clancy McClean, before challenging him to actually showcase The Kraken on the next IGW broadcast. Cairns says that if The Kraken is not actually shown "in the flesh" on the next episode of IGW programming, then it will prove to the world that Clancy McClean is just a fat idiot and a liar. Cairns says that if McClean cannot prove the mythical The Kraken actually exists, then Cairns will sue IGW and Clancy McClean for false advertising. Cairns exits the ring, followed by John Smith.

The first match of the night sees William Black's Wife and Son debut against Creation Tag Team Champions Billy The Brilliant and Kris Kraven. Kraven soon picks up the victory for his team with a Kraven Bomb on Black's Wife. The match lasted all of thirty seconds.

Backstage and Santa Claus was cutting a typical heel promo on The Loch Ness Monster in order to hype their big match later tonight.

Back at ringside and "The Vampire" Spike Summers is already in the ring, awaiting his opponent, The Cheery Bus Driver. Cheery drives his big bus out to the ring, ice cream truck music playing all the while. He cheerily makes his way into the ring and the match begins. It is a technical masterpiece with many Suplex and Boston Crab variations (such as the London Crab, Sydney Crab and Joy Napier's Crabs) until a second bus drives down the ramp, this one driven by The Moody Bus Driver. Moody hits the ring and hits Cheery over the face with a bus ticket machine, causing the match to end in a bus-related disqualification. Furthermore, our ring announcer informs the uncapacity crowd that bus delays are expected in Manchester city centre tonight due to the injury of Cheery, causing the fans in attendance to boo heavily as they realise getting home tonight will be a complete and utter nightmare.

Backstage and our nameless backstage interviewer has a solemn face. He announces that The Loch Ness Monster will be unable to compete here tonight as he has been STOLEN! Apparently, a mystery thief broke into Nessie's dressing room and took the mythical beast hostage. We'll have more news on this shocking story as we get it.

Chris Cairns comes out to the ring for the second time this evening and cuts a promo on Clancy McClean, hyping their big match at Heatwave 8. Cairnsy reminds the fans that the right to 'headline' HotWire Magazine is on the line, with the winner of the match taking top billing in the tenth anniversary edition. Terrific hype here from Cairns. A ***** promo.

Backstage and Santa Claus is in the cafeteria. He says he wants to send a message to Shane Ryder here tonight. Santa Claus refers to himself as a "mean, nasty bastard." To prove his point, Santa makes his way over to the cafeteria oven. He opens it and pulls out a cooking tray which seems to have some freshly cooked haddock on it. Santa laughs manically as he shows the meal to the camera, the announcers shocked and disgusted. Santa sits down and begins to eat his dinner, the announcers screaming in shock that Santa is eating the remains of The Loch Ness Monster. Santa cackles as the announcers wonder aloud whether or not Shane Ryder will be able to teach this sick psychopath a lesson. And then the show thankfully ends.

[Sir Chris Cairns]

Sir Chris Cairns - the only Globalstar ever to have received a knighthood from the Queen of the United Kingdom - has hurriedly been snapping up many of the hottest young (and not so young) talents from professional wrestling's indy circuit.

Speaking at a press conference in his hometown of Manchester, Sir Cairns spoke of a real need to champion the young talent of today's indy wrestling scene, proclaiming himself as the pioneer of a new and gritty direction for wrestling, taking his beloved Creation Wrestling promotion away from its far-fetched sports entertainment style of recent years, and instead looking for characters which the common masses can identify with.

Sir Cairns subsequently fired most of the deadwood from his current roster - saying goodbye to the likes of Jack Impact, Miami Missile, Dream, Blade Arkhan and countless others - and replacing them with stars such as:

"The Guitar Man" Freddie Fender

A certainty to be a crowd favourite, Freddie is inseparable from his beloved electric guitar. Amped and forever tuned into the task at hand, Freddie is often able to easily string the referee along with his lovable scams, using his guitar as a weapon at various points throughout the match. Freddie makes his grand entrance to the ring by playing an improvised guitar solo for the live crowd and will often break out a guitar solo midway through matches by way of taunting his adversaries. Never one to fret, Freddie resonates confidence. His sharpness and ability to keep tabs on the situation at hand always results in him striking the right chord with his adoring fans.


William White: One of the nicest, friendliest and easiest going guys to work with ever. A real bastion of good sportsmanship and backstage selflessness, everyone loves hanging out with William White! So darn likable that even the nastiest and most despised of heels can't bring themselves to sneak attack him. Probable future face of the company. Dresses as a white knight and rides to the ring on a mechanical horse.

Asexual Chocolate: Asexual Chocolate doesn't like being called a prude, but many find this giant humanoid chocolate bar's complete disinterest in sexual relationships to be more than a little weird, especially considering the fact that female groupies just can't seem to get enough of him (possibly due to him being a giant bar of chocolate). Misunderstood loner type.

"Every Man" Davie Peters: "Every Man" Davie Peters' main appeal comes from the fact that he is as working class and as British as you can possibly imagine. Likes going down to the pub at weekends to watch the football and have a nice, cold pint. Loves a good Indian takeaway. An honest, hard working man who the crowd are supposed to be able to identify with, and who is billed as a coal miner. Gimmick played by Derek Gee, a hulking brute of a man banned from strongman competitions worldwide due to repeated and prolonged steroid abuse.

Susie Blue: Touted as Sir Cairnsy's stinging and highly insightful social commentary on female representations in today's media-dominated society, Susie is a female wrestler with low self esteem and body image issues who forever thinks that she is fat, despite the cringe worthy and ass-kissy reassurances from the entire male roster, who desperately try to get her into bed multiple times on each show. Never puts out. Legit supermodel.

[Sir Chris Cairns]

Budget fireworks go off in the Manchester Evening News Arena as our commentators, Des Aster and Francis Lee, excitedly welcome us to yet another exciting edition of Genesis, the duo making a big deal out of tonight's crowd attendance of 1,006.

We get straight into the meaty stuff as Creation's authority figure, Commissioner "The Black Rose" John Smith, walks to the ring to no music and zero reaction from the fans or announcers. Smith takes the microphone and says that he has "had it up to here" with World Heavyweight Champion Cracker Jack, who kidnapped Sarah Summers on last week's show. Smith boringly demands that Cracker Jack return the girl safely or face being stripped of his World Heavyweight Championship. The announcers are wowed by this ultimatum.

Cracker Jack hurriedly comes out to the ring with Sarah Summers and says he is sorry for any inconvenience his actions have caused and asks that he may remain champion. Smith accepts the apology and everyone heads to the back, ending an extremely anticlimactic segment with no hook whatsoever for the rest of the show.

Backstage, and new recruit Susie Blue - who is perhaps the most beautiful woman in the world - is complaining to herself because she feels fat and ugly, bemoaning the fact that she can't seem to find a boyfriend, all while stuffing her perfect face with comfort foods.

The entire male roster hurriedly enter the shot and all begin bickering over one another, saying how much they'd all love to have a date with Susie. Just as it seems like everyone is set to come to blows, Commissioner John Smith enters the room and books tonight's main event: a Battle Royale where the winner gets to take Susie out for a date on next week's show! Everyone seems fairly happy with that, the CreationStars dispersing before violence can break out.

The first match of the evening sees The Cheery Bus Driver taking on the dastardly Santa Claus, who is being pushed as a monster heel. This is a marquee match which should have been saved for a pay-per-view! Anyway, Santa comes out on his sleigh and Cheery drives out to the ring in his big bus and the two combatants exchange suplexes and headlocks. This continues until The Moody Bus Driver drives out to the ring amidst vicious heel heat. Moody and Santa begin beating Cheery down as the referee throws this match out due to disqualification. Santa smashes the poor referee over the head with a Christmas pudding.

The horrible beat down of Cheery and the referee continues until William White comes galloping out to the ring on his white horse. White gets into the ring and Moody and Santa ready themselves to beat him up. However, White takes the microphone and diplomatically suggests that violence is not the answer and that everyone should just calm down and discuss this after the show with warm beverages and snacks. The dastardly heels agree, apologise profusely and bail from the ring, heading backstage with their heads bowed, looking thoroughly ashamed of themselves.

We cut backstage and Poncey McPoof is being beaten up by various midcarders.

We head back to the ring for our next match and it is William Black's Wife and Son versus Jamo and Technine in tag team competition. The match is a twenty minute masterclass which is eventually won by a lariat from Jamo onto William Black's Son.

We head to the announce table and our commentators are discussing the ongoing lawsuit between Clancy McClean's IGW and GZW2K1 with regards to the ownership of William Black. The announcers state that Creation's stance on this matter is entirely impartial. Cue a ten minute video package of Chris Cairns and various other Creation personalities verbally besmirching Clancy McClean and his 'inferior' wrestling promotion. The video concludes with Cairns reminding us that Clancy McClean never did prove the existence of The Kraken, by showing the legendary Globalstar on screen.

Our main event is the Battle Royale where the winner gets a date with Susie Blue on next week's show. Susie is on commentary, putting herself down and calling herself 'ugly' and 'fat,' whilst the entire Creation roster fights for her affections inside the ring.

Asexual Chocolate voluntarily eliminates himself, stating that he has no interest in perusing a relationship. The Moody Bus Driver and The Cheery Bus Driver eliminate one another, fighting all the way backstage. The Loch Ness Monster is eliminated next as the contents of his fish tank are poured over the top rope by Santa Claus. Nessie will just have to flop his way backstage and hit the showers.

On commentary, Susie recalls how she feels so worthless and inadequate whilst the commentators hit on her in the most uncomfortably sleazy manner imaginable. Poncey McPoof is eliminated next, his tracksuit falling down as he hits the arena floor, revealing his fetching pink pantyhose. Billy The Brilliant and Kris Kraven are both eliminated next. Then Jamo and Marcello Dias. Then Technine. Freddie Fender climbs the top rope and attempts a guitar solo, before losing his balance and falling to the outside. A bunch of others are eliminated.

Eventually, we get down to the final four of Cracker Jack, Spike Summers, Santa Claus and William White. Jack and Spike eliminate one another, fighting through the crowd as their feud continues. Santa Claus and William White have an epic battle before William eliminates Claus.

Susie rushes into the ring and embraces William White. The two begin to kiss in the middle of the ring as the other CreationStars look on with jealousy.

The Ring Announcer thanks everyone for coming to the show and apologises that former GZW2K1 Globalstar Sean Locke will not be making his advertised appearance here tonight before mumbling an incomprehensible excuse into the microphone. The fans jeer, looking very angry as the show quickly goes off air.

[Sir Chris Cairns]

Entirely unscheduled and being broadcast via Creation's website, the Genesis opening sequence airs yet again - for the second time in less than 24 hours - and taking place mere hours after the latest IGW pay-per-view.

We are live from a church cathedral in Manchester city centre. Sat by the organ, announcers Des Aster and Francis Lee excitedly welcome us to the show, hyping up the big wedding which is apparently taking place tonight as William White and Susie Blue get set to enter into a pact of holy matrimony. This whole angle seems rather rushed and even the introductory text proclaims that we are "Live from the Manchester Evening News Arena," suggesting that this whole church business was a very last minute decision indeed. Des Aster and Francis Lee are still having their make-up applied by a stressed assistant and much bickering can be heard in the background. It sounds like a last minute production meting is taking place just out of shot as various calls are made for another script re-write. Des Aster informs us that not only will we be witnessing a wedding tonight, but we will also see some highly exciting wrestling matches and Chris Cairns is in the building with a huge announcement which is expected to send shockwaves tumbling through the wrestling industry. Sounds like a packed highlight reel of a show!!

We head outside into the cathedral courtyard and The Cheery Bus Driver's big bus pulls up by the side of the road. The door opens and every single member of the Creation roster sleepily steps out, looking confused by their surroundings as they are each handed what looks suspiciously like a production script as they are hurriedly whisked in through the church doors, adding more weight to rumours that this live show is currently on air with nobody really knowing what on earth is going on. This theory is further cemented as the ring crew hurriedly pull up in a production truck. They open up the truck and bring out the various broken down parts of the wrestling ring, Chris Cairns screaming at them in panic to hurry up and get everything set up. Confusion seems to reign about where on earth the ring can be placed within the holy church grounds as we suddenly cut to a forty minute video package of Creation Wrestling's glory years interspersed with slow motion GZW2K1 footage of Clancy McClean being eliminated from both the 2005 Creation Battle Royale and the 2009 Brian Aas Memorial Battle Royale.

We're back live and the ring crew are still setting up the wrestling ring, which they have chosen to erect in the middle of a very old looking graveyard. Despite the fact that none of the turnbuckles or ring ropes have been set in place, we get our first match underway and it's the 147th Creation World Heavyweight Championship rematch between Cracker Jack and his arch-rival, "The Vampire" Spike Summers. Spike wears his Twilight movie franchise t-shirt and reels off various catchphrases from the films as he gains the upper-hand over his foe. As Spike locks Jack in a reverse chin lock, a beleaguered and very angry looking priest suddenly rushes onto the scene, screaming obscenities and demanding to know 'what the hell' is going on in his church. The referee advises the flabbergasted priest not to take the Lord's name in vain. The priest whips out his mobile phone and proclaims that he is calling the police as the announcers play up the unpredictability of Creation Wrestling, pointing out that #ChurchTrespassing is now trending on Twitter in Manchester. Everyone seems to have forgotten about the actual wrestling match as an aging Cracker Jack tries to struggle out of the chin lock, and the camera cuts backstage.

In the backstage area, The Angry Bus Driver and Santa Claus - Creation's most dastardly heels - are blatantly reading from scripts (which they hold in their hands) as they discuss their dismay at William White being the one who gets to marry Susie Blue. The two villains hatch a dastardly plot to ruin the wedding ceremony and laugh uproariously. William White walks into view and greets the heels in most friendly a fashion indeed. Despite their best attempts to resist, Santa and Moody are soon chatting with White as if the three were best pals, laughing and guffawing and reading from their scripts, cracking jokes about Clancy McClean being a "fat cunt." William then bids farewell and, once the coast is clear, the heels curse their adversary for being so damn pleasant and likeable!

Back at ringside and the ring's construction is finally complete. The very angry priest is still shouting and protesting about his church having been invaded, Chris Cairns motioning for Creation's former Intercontinental Champion, Jesus Christ, to come over and attempt to calm the priest down. Meanwhile, a match begins in the ring between Poncey McPoof and most of the midcarders. Poncey is wearing bra and panties whilst the announcers - who now refer to him blatantly as "Clancy McClean," - discuss Clancy's supposed love of dressing up in female garments. The match soon ends via TKO when 'Clancy' is beaten unconscious with one of his own stilettos.

Of note, Twitter rumours are swirling around that this show - taking place less than 24 hours after the previous Genesis broadcast - was brought about in a very rushed fashion by Chris Cairns, in an angry reaction to the IGW "Chris Cairns Show" which took place only a few hours ago! Rumours suggest Cairns woke his roster from their sleep in order to broadcast this show as quickly as possible.

Backstage and Susie Blue - legitimate supermodel - is in tears because she believes she looks 'too fat' in her wedding dress, her Bridesmaid - the 300lb Black Widow - trying to calm her down. Dastardly heels Santa Claus and Moody Bus Driver soon enter the fray and smarmily hit on Susie while telling her that she's 'too pretty' for that loser William White, and that she should marry them (both Santa and Moody) instead. Santa and Moody tell Susie just how beautiful she is and that she should call of the wedding because she has her whole life ahead of her, and doesn't need to be spending it with an idiot like William White. The Cheery Bus Driver enters the scene, confronting the heels. Everyone still reading from their scripts, Cheery demands that Santa and Moody leave Susie alone. A brawl breaks out as Santa and Moody begin to beat the hell out of Cheery as Susie and Black Widow look on. It's utter mayhem here, Cheery lacerated as Moody appears to slash him with a razor. Not a moment too soon, and William White enters the scene. He implores that everybody calm down and suggests this issue be discussed after he and his wife return from their honeymoon. "After all," he says, "We're all good friends here, right?" Cheery screaming for an ambulance on the floor as blood pours out his head, Santa and Moody bow their heads in shame and apologise profusely, wishing William all the best on his wedding day. The devious heels walk off, once again cursing White's irresistible charm.

We head to the announce booth where our commentators hype the upcoming wedding, as well as the thoroughly hyped "Big Announcement" from Sir Chris Cairns.

Back at ringside (in the graveyard) and the police have finally arrived on the scene, looking to find out who is responsible for this illegal trespassing upon church grounds. Chris Cairns points the blame towards Poncey McPoof - who is still unconscious in the middle of the ring, wearing his finest lingerie - Cairns stating that McPoof is the owner of Creation Wrestling. With the announcers constantly referring to him as "Clancy McClean", the cross-dressing Poncey McPoof is handcuffed by the police and hauled out of the ring and into the back of a waiting police car. The priest seems satisfied with this result, and never appears aain for the duration of the broadcast. Text then appears on screen, bullet pointing some of Clancy McClean's other very heinous crimes:

- Wasted millions of dollars in GZW2K1 expenses on recreational pursuits such as vacationing, doing drugs and buying woman's underwear.

- Constantly committed the offence of 'False Advertising' by insisting that the mythical sea monster, The Kraken, was part of the IGW talent roster, despite the fact that The Kraken never put in an appearance on IGW programming.

- Never delivered on the overly hyped 2005 Neophyte of the Year tournament.

Back live and Chris Cairns is in the ring, ready to make his big announcement. Cairns reveals that the "recently arrested" Clancy McClean is the secret father of William Black, insisting that he has the DNA sample to prove it! Cairns argues that it all makes sense (!) and that this is the reason as to why Clancy is so desperate to get William Black back on IGW turf. The announcers sell this shocking claim as if it were the biggest angle in the entire history of professional wrestling, Des Aster screaming into his headset that things will never be the same again, and that Clancy McClean is a fiend for lying to everybody for all these years. William Black's Son enters the ring and proclaims that, if Clancy McClean is his Granddad, then he is surely the heir to the McClean empire. Cairns agrees. And the poorly and hastily thought out segment sort of awkwardly ends there.

We hurriedly cut to the wedding inside the church. Inexplicably, Santa Claus and Moody Bus Driver are serving as William White's best men, the announcers explaining that they were charmed into doing so. Susie Blue walks down the aisle alongside Black Widow. Jesus Christ is the Priest for the ceremony. All reading from their scripts, Susie and William are taken through their vows, Poncey McPoof inexplicably sat in the audience. Jesus asks if there are any objections. Suddenly, Lord Seth Raide appears on the CreationTron!!!! In what is obviously a very poor 'cut and paste' job of various Raide promos from through the years, Raide proclaims that he "Objects to this fucking wasteland and its sheep." He says he will be coming "Next week!" All the CreationStars in the church recoil in fear as Joshua Samson's voice - again, inexplicably - can be heard selling the moment over the church loudspeakers, the dialogue lifted directly from Samson's cringworthingly stupid hyping of Seth at Heatwave Eight.

Everybody still in shock, we sign off with the announcers hyping Lord Seth Raide's Creation debut next week!

[Sir Chris Cairns]

This week's enthralling episode of Genesis gets underway from the Manchester Evening News Arena and Sir Chris Cairns is sat alone at the announce position. He announces that long-time Creation commentary duo Des Aster and Francis Lee were fired earlier today due to their style being too outdated and uncool, claiming that their style would be far better suited to IGW, or somewhere "equally as shite." Cairns says that he will be the new commentator for Creation Wrestling and announces that tonight's main event will be a very innovative "Toilet Turmoil" match, the winner of which being crowned as Creation's brand new co-commentator. The "Toilet Turmoil" match rules dictate that the winner will be the last CreationStar standing who hasn't had his head flushed down the toilet. Cairns also hypes tonight's continuation of the big divorce angle, explaining that we will see William White and Susie Blue battle for custody of their children in an actual courtroom with real lawyers and everything! We are also reminded that Lord Seth Raide will be making his grand debut right here tonight and that 'Clancy McClean' is in attendance, and will be making a huge announcement! It really does sound like we are in for another enthralling and unpredictable broadcast here - Creation Wrestling really setting the benchmark for exquisite, highbrow wrestling entertainment.

Backstage and Asexual Chocolate is aghast to find that someone has shat in his luggage. He holds the piece of crap up for the rest of the locker room to see and angrily demands to know who pooped in his luggage. Despite the entire roster descending into fits of hysterical laughter, they all insist they have no idea who the culprit is.

Commentator and CEO Sir Chris Cairns takes to the ring in order to announce some brand new additions to the Creation roster, who will herald in a new era of innovation and compelling television. First out is Sergeant Soldierdude, who is painted from head to toe in intricate camouflage patterns - far better than simply being painted one stupid shade of green (or so Cairns insists)! Soldierdude says that he has seen many horrible things out there on the battlefield, but none more horrible than having to watch an episode of IGW programming, insisting his war medals don't mean anywhere near as much to him as the possibility of becoming Cairnsy's co-commentator here tonight and helping win the ongoing 'War on IGW.' Out next is Queenie McQueer, who appears to be Creation's answer to the industry's edgy attempts at portraying homosexual wrestlers such as - according to Cairns - Vernon Vanderbilt and the entire 'What Money Can Buy' stable. Dressed in neon pink PVC, Queenie says Clancy McClean inspired him to come out the closet and achieve his dreams, noting that McClean is a gay icon and hero. Next, the newborn baby of William White and Susie Blue is pushed down to the ring in a pram. Cairns informs the audience that Creation is a leader in youth talent development, and notes that the infant, who is named Nigel Newborn, is going to be a big star one day! Sir Cairns really hypes up these three innovative new additions to the roster as the fans boo, some actually leaving the arena. Red X then begins making his way down the ramp - the fourth new CreationStar to be revealed. However, Cairns doesn't take any notice of him, briskly leaving the ring as we cut to commercial. As we come back from commercial, a notice appears on screen stating that Red X has been released from his contract, Creation Wrestling wishing him well in all future endeavours.

Backstage and Chris Cairns is congratulating himself on his new signings, despite the fact that he is also (supposedly) sitting at the announcers' booth at ringside. Continuity issues aside, Cairns is smug as he praises his business acumen. Suddenly, a panic-ridden "The Black Rose" Commissioner John Smith boringly rushes into view, shaking, stuttering and barely able to get his words out. Smith urgently informs Cairns that IGW has plagiarized Creation Wrestling by signing carbon copies of CreationStars such as Sergeant Soldierdude, Queenie McQueer and Nigel Newborn. John Smith tells an enraged Cairns all about IGW's trademark infringing stars such as Lieutenant Armyman, Pink Queen and John Baby, who are blatant rip-offs. Cairns tips his desk over in a rage at the injustice of this slap in the face. He cuts a promo to camera declaring that if Clancy McClean does not cease and desist with this blatant trademark infringement then Cairns will have no option other than to sue McClean for all he is worth. Furthermore, Cairns says that he will also sue McClean if Clancy cannot prove the existence of the legendary Kraken once and for all!

Backstage and Freddie Fender goes to pick up his guitar and play a guitar solo, recoiling in horror to find that somebody has done a big, juicy, watery shite all over his guitar. A highly strung Fender goes in search of the unknown culprit, but the backstage corridors are eerily empty, other than the foreboding and distant echoes of farts. Cairns sounds genuinely terrified on commentary, playing up this mystery and new ratings ploy.

Back out at ringside and it is time for our first match of the evening: Sergeant Soldierdude versus Poncey McPoof (Who Cairns consistently refers to as Clancy McClean). An apprehensive 'McClean' - wearing his trademark bra, panties, pantyhose and stilettos - enters the ring as Soldierdude brandishes a rifle. Soldierdude smashes the butt of the rifle into the face of McClean, causing him to fall to the ground and piss his panties in fear. As the admittedly very uncomfortable image of Soldierdude threatening to shoot a terrified Poncey lingers all too lingeringly on the screen, Cairns fabricates a ridiculous story about how McClean used to be a cocaine addicted prostitute and that this is why he dresses up in slutty clothes. Cairns goes into great detail about the brands of panties and cocaine McClean likes best. It is worth noting that Cairns seems to have entirely forgot about the accusations he made last week regarding McClean being the secret father of William Black. Anyway, the match ends when 'Clancy' passes out with fear, Cairns branding him a cross-dressing, lying, trademark infringing coward as Sergeant Soldierdude shoots live rounds from his rifle up into the air, fans going wild with cheers.

Once Soldierdude leaves the ring, Poncey gets to his feet, crying and - introducing himself as "IGW's Clancy McClean" - says he has a humiliating confession to make, which has been eating away at him for years. Poncey, looking fat and stupid in his piss-stained knickers, looks over to Chris Cairns and declares that "I, Clancy McClean... am desperately in love with you, Sir Chris Cairns. I feel a shimmer of excitement in my pissy panties just by looking at you." Cairns promptly gets into the ring and punches "McClean" in the face, knocking him out cold. Cairns wraps this whole ridiculous segment up by concluding that McClean is a "weird, fat cunt" before inexplicably firing McClean.

Backstage and we find out that William White has won sole custody of his son, Nigel Newborn, due to the fact that the judge was charmed by William's flawless personality before the case could even officially begin! Susie and William agree that there are no hard feelings and that they can remain good friends. White walks off with his son, the entire Creation roster swooping in and smarmily hitting on the newly available Susie Blue. Commercial break.

Back from commercial and Cairns informs us that - during the adverts - Cracker Jack successfully defended the World Heavyweight Championship against Spike Summers in a thrilling encounter which puts IGW's in-ring product to shame. Cairns then goes off on a lengthy tirade once again about Clancy McClean, calling him several nasty names as we occasionally cut to slow motion flashbacks of McClean being eliminated from various Battle Royales. At the end of the monologue, Cairns mumbles something about Seth Raide having no-showedtonight and, as a result, Cairns declares himself the 2005 Lord of the Coliseum, before going off on another long tirade which barely makes sense, talking about how he cut far better promos than Seth Raide and how he should have won the tournament and not Raide.

Backstage and an eerie silhouette comes into view, dry mist rising from the floor as the mystery man takes a big, wet fart. He promises that he will claim many more victims with his fiendish poo-centred defacing of the Creation roster's personal property, and that the crappy carnage is only just beginning. The mysterious man - who's voice is altered to sound slightly like robotic farts - promises that his poopy ways shall claim more victims next week, and that Asexual Chocolate's poo-stained luggage and Freddie Fender's diarrhoea-swamped guitar are only the beginning of a whole new wave of defecation and doom. The man laughs evilly as Cairns sells this like a very legitimate threat to Creation's well-being.

Main event time and the world is set to witness the first ever wrestling match to take place in a public toilet. It's "Toilet Turmoil" and the entire roster brawls their way in through the toilet door, Cairns meanwhile going off on some random rant about how he's sick of the rest of the entertainment industry looking down on wrestling as a silly joke. Freddie Fender spends too much time playing a guitar solo on his freshly disinfected guitar and is the first victim to have his head flushed down the toilet, but only once half the roster have successfully managed to stuff his afro all the way in with help from a giant plunger. On commentary, Cairns tells us that he bets Shakespeare would have been a big fan of Creation Wrestling as Santa Claus throws the condom machine at Cheery Bus Driver, before Moody Bus Driver and Santa Claus then double team Cheery and stuff his face down into the flushing toilet, very nearly drowning him until William White steps in and sends the dastardly heels running for cover with a very generous offer to help Moody fix his bus, which apparently has a flat tyre. The heels curse White for being so damn likeable and always ruining their scams.

Disgracefully, the text "THREE HOURS LATER" appears on screen for a few seconds and when we cut back to the action, we find that the match is over and everybody has been eliminated and Cairns disregards the entire colour commentator thing and instead abruptly spends the next several minutes hyping up the big 'Person Shitting on Stuff' storyline which looks like it will be the big angle leading into the next Creation pay-per-view, Honorly Bound. Suddenly, the entire arena is frozen in fear as we hear an ear-piercing scream.

We cut to the backstage parking lot and find the recently fired 'Clancy McClean' (as Cairns refers to him) lying on the ground and covered from head to toe in watery shite. William White - the gallant hero - arrives on scene and asks 'McClean' what on earth happened. We learn that the mystery serial shitter - for whom Cairns coins the nickname "The Creation Crapper" - has struck yet again. William White vows to find out the true identity of the Creation Crapper and insists that everybody on the roster is a suspect. White then interrogates 'Clancy' - the victim - for a good ten minutes by stomping on him mercilessly, demanding a confession as Cairns guffaws heartily on commentary and makes lewd jokes about Clancy McClean's mother. As soon as Poncey loses consciousness, William White walks off, stating that he is off to help fix the flat tyre on arch-rival The Moody Bus Driver's bus.

Someone in a suit - who we have never seen before, but who Cairns insists is a lawyer - is standing in the ring. He demands that Clancy McClean showcases mythical sea monster The Kraken on the next episode of IGW television or else the consequences will be dire. The Lawyer - who seems to be Creation's newest recruit - then quickly defeats Rich Patterson in a squash match, hitting his finishing move, the Bail Bondsperson Brainbuster.

In what Cairns bills as the main event, William White is trying to fix the flat tyre on Moody's bus, lying on the ground and pumping away whilst The Moody Bus Driver looks on sinisterly, holding a barbwire baseball bat, trying his very best to attack a vulnerable and distracted White, but cursing himself for being unable to do so as White softens him up with pleasant stories about how he voluntarily runs a youth club for disadvantaged youths in his spare time. Suddenly - OH MY GOD!!! - a giant object zooms down from high up in the sky... a monstrous, gargantuan and very wet turd being shat from the heavens and all over Moody's bus!!! The bus is engulfed entirely in shit, and Moody and William White have been splattered also. Cairns screams in shock on commentary as he rushes out to the parking lot alongside the rest of the shocked Creation roster. Commissioner John Smith asking for witnesses, Asexual Chocolate steps forward and insists that the culprit was a giant Perodactyl flying through the sky, with Lord Seth Raide flying on its back. Using the DrawSomething app on his iPhone, Asexual Chocolate says he managed to mock up a quick artist's impression of the culprits:

The entire roster recoils with shock. Before the show even goes off air, the official Creation website is updated with a new CreationStar bio added for "Lord Seth Raide's Badass Pet Pterodactyl."

Cairns, conflicted, summarizes that whilst having an actual Pterodactyl on the roster is way cooler than having some stupid Kraken, he dramatically wonders what this will mean for the safety of his CreationStars as a whole. The best Creation show ever goes off air.

[Sir Chris Cairns]

Sir Chris Cairns urgently signed more new wrestlers to the Creation Wrestling roster this afternoon, really looking to bolster his talent squad as the war against IGW steps up several notches with all sorts of lawsuits and pettiness flying around. The new talent includes:


Poopy McPooperson
Dastardly heel who shits on his opponents, their possessions, and anything else he can lay his ass upon. Looks to cause as much panic and devestation as poo-ssible. Wears a brown singlet. It is worth noting that Poopy hasn't actually been revealed as the perpertrator of the backstage poop attacks just yet and the supposed 'mystery' is set to play out for a long while yet before Poopy's identity is revealed. Logic and spoilers, however, are irrelevant.

Welshie Welsh
A Welsh patriot who is very, very proud of his country... much to the amusement of Chris Cairns, who subjects the character to endless amounts of anti-Welsh mockery and ridicule. Billed as hailing from "The English Village of Wales" by a chuckling ring announcer, much to Welshie's dismay.

"The Big Scoop" Martin Martins
An endlessly enthusiastic intern journalist who is often tasked with covering boring news stories such as traffic cone theft and so on. Often spends much of the match trying to interview his opponent as nonsense quickly ensues.

Keyboard Warrior
Cowardly heel who abuses his opponents via the Internet. Will cheat to win matches by using his keyboard as a weapon. Often flames IGW fan forums.

[Sir Chris Cairns]

'Sir Chris Cairns Appreciation Night'

We're live at the Manchester Evening News Arena for the latest enthralling instalment of Creation Wrestling's 'Genesis' television broadcast. Sir Chris Cairns - wearing his brand new 'SIR!' t-shirt, which is available to purchase via the GroundZero Globalstore - is on commentary, excitably informing us that tonight is 'Sir Chris Cairns Appreciation Night' and that we will be forgetting all about the world's silly little problems - Clancy McClean, for example - in order to instead celebrate the life and career of wrestling's most influential HotWire Magazine columnist to have ever lived and receive a Knighthood (Sir Chris Cairns).

We cut to the backstage area and it's pitch dark in the locker room. Chris Cairns - wearing entirely different clothes from those which he was wearing at ringside just seconds ago - walks into the room and the entire roster jumps out at him, yelling "SURPRISE!" as the lights go on and balloons and party poppers fill the scene. Cairns is pleasantly surprised as Sergeant Soldierdude explains to him that the entire roster is throwing a party in recognition of Sir Chris Cairns and all the magnificent things he has accomplished during his lifetime.

We abruptly cut to ringside and the fans are jeering heavily as a miserable, bitter and jealous looking Poncey McPoof stands in the middle of the ring, wearing his trademark thong and fishnet tights with stilettos. With Cairns (back at the commentary booth) constantly referring to Poncey as 'Clancy McClean', Poncey cuts a very mean spirited promo on Cairns, making fun of Cairnsy's eyebrow and insisting that "I, Clancy McClean, am far superior." Huge heel heat from the fans here.

Cairns has evidently had enough, getting up onto the apron and climbing into the ring. He punches "McClean" in the head and the fat piece of shit falls to the canvas, weeping uncontrollably as urine seeps out from either side of his thong and fills his pissy fishnet pantyhose. Massive cheers. Commercial break.

Back from commercial and Cairns cheerily informs us on commentary that Clancy McClean has pissed himself to death and will never be seen again. Meanwhile, Lord Seth Raide's Badass Pet Pterodactyl is flying around in the air (aimlessly, sometimes backwards, and with puppet strings highly visible), demanding some "fucking respect" and issuing an open challenge. The Cheery Bus Driver comes down to the ring and insists (cheerily) that if Pterodactyl wants some respect then he's gonna have to earn it. The two then have a ridiculous match which the referee soon throws out as a 'no contest' when the Pterodactyl's puppet strings get tangled up in the ropes before either combatant can even make contact.

Backstage and in what is actually a fairly tasteless segment, the corpse of 'Clancy McClean' is being zipped up in a body bag by officials - William White, Welshie Welsh and various other babyfaces chuckling in the background as they observe and occasionally shout out insults such as "fat cunt" and "knob." Suddenly, a massive and very watery shite falls from the ceiling and splatters onto the body bag and corpse, sending the officials and babyfaces fleeing in panic as Cairns screams on commentary that the mysterious 'Creation Crapper' has struck yet again!! The camera points up to the ceiling, just in time to see the ventilation shaft being closed as the mystery attacker once again evades identification. Cairns insists that whilst it is very hilarious to witness the corpse of Clancy McClean being defecated upon - very, very hilarious indeed! - the hilarity still does not excuse the fact that there is a psychotic serial shitter on the loose! Cairns solemnly suggests that this is the biggest threat a wrestling promotion has faced since HKWF invaded GZW2K1.

A tribute video plays for the recently deceased 'Clancy McClean.' The montage includes footage of Poncey McPoof being punched in the faced by Chris Cairns and pissing himself (supposedly to death), intercut with footage of the genuine Clancy McClean being eliminated from various GZW2K1 Battle Royales in slow motion. The final shot is a slow motion replay of McPoof in his body bag, being shat on by the mysterious 'Creation Crapper' just moments ago. The final message reads: "Clancy McCunt: 1905 - 2012."

Totally ignoring the previous sequence of events in their entirety and in the most ridiculous manner possible, we cut back to Chris Cairns at commentary and he is demanding Clancy McClean showcase The Kraken properly at the next IGW television broadcast. Cairns states that if McClean cannot 'produce solid evidence' of The Kraken's existence then Cairns and the Creation Wrestling roster will have no other option than to INVADE IGW!!!

The show goes off air with this dramatic cliffhanger and no mention of the other five matches that were advertised for tonight.

[Sir Chris Cairns]

Hurriedly reacting to news (heavily fabricated rumours) that Insane Gods of Wrestling are set to launch their own Lieutenant Armyman videogame, Sir Chris Cairns - CEO and Head Booker of Creation Wrestling II - is said to be attempting to bankroll various new videogame tie-in projects for his own promotion. Ideas supposedly floated by Cairns include:

"Sergeant Soldierdude: The iPhone Game"
Call of Duty has nothing on this gritty, harrowing first-person shooter. Brings the authentic horror of war straight into the palm of your hand!

"Nigel Newborn's Game of Life"
This 'babysitting simulator' is much like the Tamagotchi/Cyber Pet games of old. Babysit young CreationStar Nigel Newborn - the wrestling world's original and most talented infant. Feed him, play with him, clean up his poo/puke and have him compete in wrestling matches against his Creation Wrestling foes.

"Super Uncle Sir Chris Cairns Kart"
Innovative and wacky kart racing game featuring the most popular members of the Creation Wrestling II roster. Each racer has their own superpower. For example, Welshie Welsh drops Welsh leeks which cause other racers to spin out of control!

Considering the fact that two of the above mentioned game mascots - Sergeant Soldierdude and Nigel Newborn - are currently at the center of trademark infringement lawsuits involving Insane Gods of Wrestling (namely due to Cairns blatantly ripping-off IGW mainstays Lieutenant Armyman and John Baby), the release time frame for each of these titles is highly uncertain.