Creation Wrestling II

[Sir Chris Cairns]

Upon hearing confirmation of Clancy McClean's plans to infiltrate the interactive apps and gaming market with various high-tech pieces of IGW software, an enraged Sir Chris Cairns is said to have vigorously stepped up production on Creation Wrestling II's big gaming hit of the holiday season. The following publicity poster has hurriedly been released:

[Sir Chris Cairns]

This week's scintillating episode of Genesis gets underway with a family-friendly video package which showcases various members of the Creation roster having terrific fun, crowded around a gaming console, playing a multiplayer session of upcoming smash hit, 'Super Uncle Sir Chris Cairns Kart,' which is remarkable considering the game only went into development two days ago. Sergeant Soldierdude, William White, Welshie Welsh and Billy The Brilliant all look like they're having a great time, this commercial actually reasonably well produced (and cunningly devoid of any actual in-game footage). Suddenly, Sir Chris Cairns enters the room and inexplicably cuts a bitter promo on Clancy McClean, saying that all of Clancy McClean's games, apps and other 'stupid widgets' will all be 'utter shite' and pale in comparison to 'Super Uncle Sir Chris Cairns Kart,' which Cairnsy guarantees will be the biggest selling Christmas gift this festive season! Cairns then goes on to make lewd remarks about Clancy McClean's mother (again).

The show begins proper and we are in San Francisco, California - hometown of Clancy "Shite" McClean. We're on the beach and it's a beautiful day! On commentary, Cairns informs us that the entire Creation Wrestling II roster is preparing to set sail in order to 'pay an unfriendly visit' to Clancy McClean's private island villa which is located just a few miles off the west coast and 'beat Clancy up!' Indeed, the roster seem to have commandeered a cruise ship full of vacationing, retired and married couples, essentially taking everyone onboard hostage as Sergeant Soldierdude - who reminds us that he has had extensive experience with military submarines in Afghanistan, primarily whilst blowing up innocent civilians with rockets - commandeers the ship's steering wheel.

The first match of the show sees The Moody Bus Driver pitted against Welshie Welsh, the wrestling ring erected on the upper deck and with the bemused/confused pensioners in their sun loungers making up the entirety of the audience. A fairly passable match takes place, during which Sir Chris Cairns takes every available opportunity to talk about 'Super Uncle Sir Chris Cairns Kart.' Cairns excitably informs us that both The Moody Bus Driver and The Cheery Bus Driver will indeed be driving their big buses in-game! Meanwhile, the actual match in the ring ends in disqualification when Moody hits Welshie with a bus ticket machine and Welshie retaliates by slapping Moody across the face with a Welsh leek.

After the match, and upon realising that neither World Heavyweight Champion Cracker Jack - nor Jack's arch-rival, Spike Summers - have appeared on Creation television in quite some time, Cairns urgently strips Jack of the title and awards it to former GZW2K1 Globalstar and former client of Clancy McClean, Jay Jameson! Cairns promises that Jameson will make his debut 'next week' and is 'new and improved' now that he has spent the past seven years purging McClean's shite tutelage from his system.

Down in the ship's navigation centre and a stressed Sergeant Soldierdude looks confused as he and William White bicker whilst examining an atlas. The stress mounts as the world's most gifted and first ever wrestling baby, Nigel "Lady Eva Hikari" Newborn cries incessantly in the background. It quickly becomes apparent that the entire Creation Wrestling roster is now lost at sea with heavy storms set to hit within the hour. Soldierdude grimly suggests that he may have to execute some of the roster via gunshot to the head, explaining that there won't be enough rations for everybody. On commentary, Cairns cheerily informs us that 'Super Uncle Sir Chris Cairns Kart' will see Sergeant Soldierdude driving an army jeep with 'dirty bombs' as his special weapon!

Back at ringside and for no discernible reason whatsoever, a huge Battle Royale is taking place, containing most of the roster. The purpose soon becomes clear as Cairns utilises the Battle Royale scenario in order to tell us what each wrestler's special weapon will be in 'Super Uncle Sir Chris Cairns Kart.' Cairns then goes into yet another very long tirade about how his video game will be the smash hit of the decade and how all of Clancy McClean's 'stupid projects' will inevitably fail, just like the 2005 Neophyte of the Year tournament failed, and just like Clancy McClean failed to be a good mentor for Jay Jameson, who soon went into drug rehab under Clancy's guidance and was never heard from again. Anyway, the Battle Royale doesn't actually seem to have been booked as such, thirty minutes having gone by with no eliminations whatsoever and lots of aimless brawling.

We cut back to the cruise ship's navigation centre and Sergeant Soldierdude seems to have legitimately gone insane, brandishing a rifle as he takes the family of William White, Susie Blue and Nigel Newborn hostage, claiming that he is having dark regressions within the deepest bowels of his mind. Soldierdude points the gun towards the pram, perhaps contemplating shooting Nigel Newborn, before then turning the gun on himself, ramming it down his own throat, tears streaming down his face as his trembling finger reaches for the trigger. On commentary, Cairns points out that 'Super Uncle Sir Chris Cairns Kart' will allow CreationStars to settle their differences via an innovative, multiplayer battle mode!! Quick fade to commercial.

Back from commercial and Cairns is screaming out in fear, shock and sorrow on commentary as Sergeant Soldierdude lies unconscious on the floor, gun in hand, Susie Blue and William White kneeling mournfully beside him, shaken, checking for a pulse. It appears that Soldierdude didn't actually shoot himself, but was instead shat on by the mysterious 'Creation Crapper,' the turd managing to knock Soldierdude out cold! Cairns screams for justice on commentary. We then cut to ten minutes worth of replays of the 'Creation Crapper' shitting on the corpse of Poncey McPoof - who Cairns repeatedly refers to as 'Clancy McClean' - on last week's show. Cairns uses the opportunity to mock Clancy for not winning the 2005 RoughKut Invitational tournament, and also for being a cross-dresser.

Back to the top deck and we have miraculously, inexplicably found ourselves washed up on the shore of what Cairns insists is Clancy McClean's private island resort. The entire roster rush from off the ship and make their way onto the island, racing up towards Clancy's private villa. Much mayhem ensues as the Benny Hill theme plays over a montage of general stupidity. Of note, John Smith raids Clancy's medicine cabinet and finds it to be full of viagra and laxatives. Santa Claus snoops around in Clancy's bedroom closet and stumbles across what appears to be a blow-up sex doll resembling Cell Block. Citing sea sickness, pretty much everyone begins to puke and shit everywhere - in the toilet, in the garden, on the kitchen counters, in the swimming pool, on Clancy's pillows...

Finally, Chris Cairns comes across Clancy McClean's diary. Cairnsy begins to read passages from the diary, which include Clancy's innermost thoughts and most intimate urges. We quickly learn that McClean has actually had a crush on President Seth Richards for over ten years, often fantasising about what it would be like to touch President Richard's bottom. Also, we learn that Clancy is indeed the father of William Black, and secretly envies Chris Cairns' brilliant business acumen and even better HotWire Magazine columns. Finally, we learn that The Kraken is just one great big lie and that the former IGW World Heavyweight Champion doesn't actually exist. Cairns cites this as 'conclusive evidence' that he was right all along as the show just randomly ends there...

[Sir Chris Cairns]

SPECIAL BROADCAST TV PAY-PER-VIEW HONORLY BOUND: THE CHRIS CAIRNS CREATION TROPHY AWARDS 2012

No expense has been spared on this glittering awards ceremony venue, despite the fact that it is nowhere near filled to even a fraction of its capacity. In fact, the audience seems to be made up entirely of Creation Wrestling II's talent roster and their immediate family members. A Noel Gallagher solo effort plays and fireworks go off as "Working Class Hero" Sir Chris Cairns swaggers out onto the stage to ridiculously sycophantic cheers and applause from his own employees. Cairns says that tonight we are going to forget all about the world's stupid, insignificant little problems - identifying Clancy McClean as a prime example - to instead celebrate all that is good about Creation Wrestling II. Cairns says that Creation Wrestling II is the greatest wrestling promotion in the world, and insists that 'Super Uncle Sir Chris Cairns Kart' will be the greatest videogame of all time.

Cairns wastes no time in introducing the first award up for contention here, and it will be the "Biggest Wanker in CreationVerse History" award. Cairns reads out the shortlist of no less than sixteen nominees - all of them Clancy McClean - pausing for jeers and the same video package of McClean being eliminated from various GroundZero Battle Royales each and every single time. Cairns finally announces Clancy as the winner, causing Poncey McPoof to excitably run onto the stage in the most effeminate manner imaginable. Poncey is dressed in his finest silk frock, pantyhose and open-toed high heels for the occasion, his lipstick, eye shadow, nail polish and manicure all immaculate. McPoof - who Cairns consistently refers to as 'Clancy McClean' - gratefully accepts his solid gold, penis-shaped awards trophy, calling it a great honor. The emotion gets the better of McPoof as he begins to cry and piss his frilly knickers. Cairns jumps in and calls 'McClean' a 'political correctness' before punching him right on the nose, blood seeping out everywhere. Uproarious cheers here as McPoof is roughly hauled off stage by security to politically incorrect and tasteless chants of "Dirty Tranny!" *Clap clap clap-clap-clap*

The next award announced by Sir Chris Cairns is for "Rookie of the Year." The nominees are Lord Seth Raide's Badass Pet Pterodactyl, The Loch Ness Monster, Cairns' Godson Quarrie Naughton Caprice, and Nigel Newborn. Nigel Newborn wins, causing Raide's Pterodactyl (flying around aimlessly in the concession stand) to scream out that this is the biggest injustice since Lord Seth Raide was snubbed for the 'Wrestler of the Year' award in favour of Quake back in 2005. Cairns quickly retorts that 2005 was also a particularly good year because Clancy McClean failed to deliver on that year's Neophyte of the Year tournament, and also because McClean tasted bitter defeat in that year's RoughKut Invitational tournament (an obscure indy tournament which, in all honesty, no one other than Cairns seems to remember).

In the midst of Cairnsy's rant, Nigel Newborn is wheeled onto the stage in his pram by proud and divorced parents, William White and Susie Blue. The acceptance speech consists entirely of Cairns insisting that Nigel Newborn is the greatest baby in the history of professional wrestling and all cheap imitations and blatant rip-offs pale pathetically in comparison. Cairns predicts that IGW's John Baby will grow up to be a heroin addict, similar to the fate which befell Jay Jameson whilst under Clancy McClean's terrible guidance. In a ridiculous swerve, Cairns announces that he is going to go head-to-head with McClean in a custody battle over John "Monarch" Baby, so that the infant can be 'saved.' Cairns dramatically proclaims that he and his lawyer - Intercontinental Champion, The Lawyer - will see Clancy McClean and Mupert Rartin in court.

The next award is for "Sex Symbol of the Year." The nominees are Susie Blue, Cara Caprice, Clancy McClean's Fat Mother and Black Widow. Cairns - who was not nominated - announces himself as the winner, before quickly moving onto our next award, which is for "Greatest Video Game Franchise of All Time." The nominees are some of the most influential game franchises of all time and also Super Uncle Sir Chris Cairns Kart. The winner is Super Uncle Sir Chris Cairns Kart, Cairns insisting that the game will be the greatest of its kind when it is released this coming holiday season!

The next award is for the coveted "Bus Driver of the Year" trophy. Both Cheery Bus Driver and Moody Bus Driver are shown on the edge of their seats (albeit cheerily and moodily respectively). After a dramatic pause and commercial break, Cairns announces Cheery as the winner, Moody Bus Driver fuming with rage as he boycotts the ceremony, storming out and shouting that he's going to see if he can get a job working for IGW and Clancy McClean. Massive heel heat!

Quickly realising that it is pretty difficult to sustain a wrestling pay-per-view based purely on award ceremonies alone, Cairns quickly lists the winners of all other awards with zero pomp and/or circumstance. Cracker Jack and Spike Summers win "Match of the Year" for their masterpiece which aired during a commercial break several months ago. Cairns himself wins his second and third awards of the night for "Knighthood of the Year" and "Video Game Mascot of the Year" respectively. IGW's The Kraken wins "Biggest Lie in Wrestling History." Sergeant Soldierdude is awarded with "The Freedom of The Globalverse" in recognition of his brave heroics in Afghanistan. "Welshman of the Year" is the next award and Jay Jameson wins, much to the bemusement of Welshie Welsh, who protests audibly off-stage, slapping his Welsh leek off the walls in frustration.

The final award of the evening is for "CreationStar of the Year" and every member of the roster awaits the announcement with baited breath. Cairns opens the envelope and declares World Heavyweight Champion Jay Jameson to have been the greatest wrestler of the past twelve months, despite the fact that Jameson has yet to appear on Creation TV, and despite the fact that Jameson has not, in actual fact, wrestled or been heard from since 2005. Upon hearing that Jameson is not here tonight to accept his award, Cairns goes into a lengthy tirade in which he calls the Welsh "useless cunts," terminating poor Welshie Welsh's contract on the spot in a ridiculous knee-jerk reaction, before then going on to blame Clancy McClean for Jameson not being here tonight, citing that Clancy is to blame for Jameson's heroin addiction. Cairns concludes that this is the pathetic level of pettiness which McClean will stoop down to, using poor Jameson as a pawn in all of this. Cairns kicks over the awards podium and seems to be legitimately very, very angry here, screaming for McClean's blood as the ceremony quickly ends, Welshie Welsh and his family being ejected from the venue.

[Sir Chris Cairns]

The show opens cold with a shot of Sir Chris Cairns on commentary, wearing his top-selling "SIR!" t-shirt which is currently outselling all other merchandise on the GroundZero Globalstore. Cairns informs us that he 'may have lost sight' of what Creation Wrestling II is all about over the past year, due primarily to his feud with Clancy McClean. Therefore, Cairns humbly apologises and assures us all that he is going to be the better man here and officially call for a truce. Cairns insists that there will be no mention of Clancy McClean ever again and that it is time for Creation Wrestling II to get back to doing what it does best: putting on a damn good wrestling show! Legit cheers from the longer-suffering and yet inexplicably loyal audience. Intro music, brilliantly produced intro video package and fireworks all accentuate the impending new era. There's a real sense of optimism and 'fresh beginnings' here in the arena. The CreationTron dramatically displays the text: "THE RESTART."

Backstage and Poncey McPoof is in the midst of pissing his frilly knickers, Cairns, enraged, pointing out that this is just "fucking typical" of Clancy McClean, always showing up on Creation television and pissing his knickers and dragging the product into the gutter. Cairns fires McClean on the spot (?) and announces that tonight's main event will be Chris Cairns vs. Clancy "Frilly Knickers Pisser" McClean in a 'Loser Leaves Town' East of Eden match.

Back at ringside and "Fat Bottomed Girls" by Queen plays to bring out Clancy McClean's Fat Mother, who is making her debut here tonight, and who is being portrayed by the exact same wrestler who plays the gimmick of Black Widow. McClean's 440lbs mother stands in the middle of the ring, cutting a lengthy promo on how she still breast feeds McClean, and how McClean wrote a letter to Santa asking for 'Super Uncle Sir Chris Cairns Kart' for Christmas, and how McClean didn't lose his virginity until he was in his late forties, and how she wishes she had aborted McClean, or at the very least, smothered him at birth. Cairns guffaws heartily on commentary, pounding his fists on the table and slapping his thighs, before inducting McClean's Mother into the Lord of the Rings (Creation's Ring of Honor Icon equivalent, in case you're too stupid to follow along). And that's the segment done...

Backstage and William White, Welshie Welsh, Billy The Brilliant and Marcello Dias are laying a vicious beatdown upon the Cell Block blow-up sex doll which was pillaged from what was supposedly Clancy McClean's bedroom closet two shows prior. Cairns sells this incident as if the foursome are beating up the actual Cell Block, claiming that IGW wrestlers are trying to invade the Manchester Evening News Arena here tonight and get a spot on the Creation roster. Cairns uses this segment as an excuse to launch into yet another verbal tirade about how McClean is jealous and insecure about how 'Super Uncle Sir Chris Cairns Kart' is going to be the greatest video game of all time.

Our first match of the night pits Welshie Welsh against Lord Seth Raide's Badass Pet Pterodactyl, Cairns equating the battle to St. George battling dragons, as per the legendary Welsh tales. Cairns also spends the majority of the match insulting Wales and the people who live there, insisting that it isn't even a real country, before announcing that the 'Welsh cunt' Jay Jameson has been released from his contract and the Creation World Heavyweight Championship has been vacated. Apparently, the new title holder will be decided in this year's GZW2K1 Lord of the Coliseum tournament, the winner of which automatically receiving a compulsory, obligatory Creation Wrestling II contract (and the title).

The Welshie Welsh/Pterodactyl match seemingly forgotten, we cut backstage to dastardly heel, Santa Claus, who is taking swigs from a bottle of straight vodka. In what is clearly a very ridiculous promo orchestrated by Chris Cairns, Santa bemoans the fact that he is going to be 'very fucking busy' this coming festive season due to the fact that dickhead children all across the world have inundated him with letters asking for copies of 'Super Uncle Sir Chris Cairns Kart.' Santa confirms that the upcoming video game is undoubtedly the most commonly requested gift for Christmas 2012, eclipsing even the iPhone 5, and especially eclipsing any IGW-related merchandise, which no children whatsoever have asked for. Claus then confirms that Clancy McClean did indeed ask for 'Super Uncle Sir Chris Cairns Kart' this Christmas, as well as also requesting some new knickers, because McClean - in Santa's own words - is a "dirty fucking cross-dressing 'political correctness' who should be fucking stabbed."

Various members of the Creation Wrestling II roster - particularly the more talented veterans who have not been utilised much in recent months (Spike Summers, Marcello Dias, Nationwide, Jamo, Technine, Kraven and former World Heavyweight Champion, Cracker Jack), have marched out to ringside, looking very angry as Cairns seems unnerved on commentary. The veterans surround Cairns at the announce table, and - in what appears to be a legitimate shoot - Cracker Jack grabs the microphone and says that the veterans have come out here to talk some sense into Cairns, insisting that they've 'had enough' of Cairns dragging his own promotion through the mud, losing sight of the bigger picture as he becomes more entwined in his bitter, petty feud with IGW and Clancy McClean. Cracker Jack gives a passionate promo, tears streaming down his face as he screams at Cairns to return the promotion to its former glory. Jack references various iconic moments from Cairnsy's history with the promotion, such as Jack saving Cairns' life with one of his kidneys back in 1999, and how Jack - along with Bane - helped save Cairns when alcoholism nearly took his life. Jack says that since then he has considered Cairns a brother, and begs him to listen to his pleas. Jack reminds Cairns of Cairnsy's epic feuds with Miami Missile, Scottie Rayda and Chris Steele - feuds which helped Creation beat GZW2K1 in the ratings back in 2001 and early 2002, back when Creation was the biggest promotion in the world. Jack - weeping - fondly recalls Cairns having an epic Steel Cage Match with Bane at the February 2000 pay-per-view, Nowhere To Run. Jack screams that he wants those days back, and that he wants the 'Old' Chris Cairns - the 'Real' Chris Cairns dammit!! The other veterans applaud, wiping tears from their eyes. This promo from Cracker Jack - who saved Cairns' life by donating him his kidney - has whipped this crowd up into a passionate frenzy as they chant "CW!" over and over again. It really is one of the greatest, most passionate promos of all time, and easily the best thing to have ever happened on Creation television in at least ten years. Cairns promptly fires Cracker Jack on the spot.

Backstage and Intercontinental Champion, The Lawyer, is drawing up legal documents for the upcoming custody battle over John Baby against IGW's Clancy McClean and Mupert Rartin. The Lawyer also reminds viewers that there is an ongoing lawsuit taking place with regards to IGW's lies about having legendary Globalstar, "Wicked Ways" The Kraken, on their roster. Suddenly, a massive and very watery shite falls down from the ceiling, engulfing The Lawyer and sending him sprawling to the floor in a whole world of hurt (and shite). Cairns screams on commentary about the 'Creation Crapper' striking yet again, mentioning that this recent development is already trending on Twitter (a blatant lie).

Main event time and it's our 'East of Eden / Loser Leaves Town' match. Poncey McPoof comes out to his full, elaborate stripper entrance which takes up fifteen minutes. Cairns then hits the ring, decks McPoof, causing McPoof to piss his knickers, and supposedly piss himself to death (again) as Cairns celebrates and fires 'Clancy McClean.' Cairns also announces himself as Neophyte of the Year. That's your show.

[Sir Chris Cairns]

"SUPER UNCLE SIR CHRIS CAIRNS KART: THE LIVE ACTION MOVIE LIVE ON PAY-PER-VIEW"

We're at the Daytona Indoor Go-Karting Circuit in Manchester, England. Sir Chris Cairns - the only HotWire Magazine columnist to have ever received a Knighthood from the Queen - is sat at the commentary booth by trackside, inexplicably wearing a crown and welcoming us to this evening's exhilarating wrestling extravaganza. Cairns states that all wrestling matches tonight will involve nail biting fights to the finish as feuding CreationStars battle it out one-on-one - in their go-karts - by racing five laps around the circuit in a passionate bid for pole position. Cairns legitimately seems to think that this is the greatest idea of all time, wondering aloud how Clancy McClean - who Cairns refers to as a 'fat fucking cunt who needs his head kicked in' - can possibly top this innovative concept which transcends sports and defies expectations!

Out first are bitter rivals, The Moody Bus Driver and The Cheery Bus Driver. Both men seem very unsure of their go-karts, obviously far more used to driving big buses. The bell rings to get the match underway and Cheery and Moody both race off around the circuit at blistering speeds, Moody cutting Cheery off at the first corner and taking a dirty lead. Meanwhile, Cairns ignores the race in its entirety and instead launches into yet another bitter, repetitive verbal tirade about Clancy McClean, claiming that McClean is 'useless' and 'stupid' and insists that McClean reached 'new lows' when he disgracefully plied former Creation World Heavyweight Champion, Jay Jameson, with heroin, just to get under Cairnsy's skin. Cairns outright accuses McClean of being a drug dealer, insisting that the FBI have been notified of McClean's terrible deeds. The go-kart race becomes a complete afterthought as the camera focuses solely on Cairns at the announce table. He gives an emotional monologue about how he tried to save Jameson from the clutches of evil. Cairns admits that he failed to exorcise Jameson's demons, but insists that Jameson's legacy will live on due to him being an unlockable secret character in 'Super Uncle Sir Chris Cairns Kart.'

Backstage and Commissioner "The Black Rose" John Smith is stood in the ring (which has been set-up backstage as the designated promo area). In quite the coup, John announces that Creation Wrestling has signed various close family members of IGW's Cell Block, stating that they are all going to cut their debut promos right now! John suggests that Cell Block should quit IGW and sign for Creation Wrestling as well, so that the entire Block family can be reunited once more!

First out is Writers' Block, a frustrated looking Stephen King clone who carries a typewriter underarm. He hits the ring and bemoans the fact that all of his creativity has evaded him, and that he needs to get other people to write his stories for him. Weird...

Next out is Cock Block - a promiscuous and highly attractive young lady who spends about fifteen minutes flirting with ringside fans before leaving them high and dry.

Following on from this and the imposing form of Intestinal Block arrives on the scene - a man suffering from severe constipation and stomach cramps. He limps his way down to the ring, clutching at his tummy.

Next, we have Concrete Block - a large block of concrete being pushed down to the ring in a wheelbarrow. The inanimate object understandably doesn't convey much emotion, but Cairns theorizes that Concrete Block is sad and really misses his big cousin, Cell.

Out next is Road Traffic Block. Approximately sixty vehicles - cars, motorbikes, trucks - all slowly make their way into the locker room in single file, tooting their horns as drivers lean out of their windows to exchange insults. The vehicles all become gridlocked as they surround the ring, the traffic jam stretching all the way into catering!

The freaks fully assembled, the Block Family issue a heartfelt plea. Intestinal Block - shouting above the melee of tooting horns and incidents of road rage taking place on the locker room floor - begs Cell Block to quit IGW and come join his family in Manchester. Cock Block takes the mic next, stroking it suggestively while proclaiming that Clancy McClean offered the entire Block Family an IGW contract, but they refused, because IGW is a ridiculous product full of stupid gimmicks and an egotistical CEO. Cairns voices his agreement on commentary, and it looks like Cell Block has yet again found himself at the centre of an interptomotional bidding war. Beyond this, the overly elaborate segment doesn't really go anywhere and we awkwardly cut to commercial break, the Block Family most likely never to be heard from ever again.

Back from commercial and we're back out at the go-kart circuit. The next race will be between popular babyface Welshie Welsh and monster heel Santa "T-Rex" Claus. Welshie is looking nervous on the starting line, primarily because he doesn't have a kart. Cairns explains that Welsh people can't afford vehicles, so the bell rings and the 'race' gets underway as Santa Claus - with no interest in actually winning - tries to run Welshie over in cold blood. Cairns is practically in tears, laughing hysterically at the sight of a barefoot Welshie Welsh being chased around the race circuit by Santa, before Santa eventually runs right over Welshie's body with his kart. Santa then gets out of the vehicle and hits Welshie with his 'Extinction' finisher before "I Am Number One" by Nelly plays. Cairns continues to disrespect the entire nation of Wales, coming to the conclusion that Clancy McClean must have Welsh heritage as this would explain why he is 'so fucking stupid.'

Out on the Manchester streets directly outside the go-kart centre and Sergeant Soldierdude is stood atop a very large army tank, trying to make his way into the venue. Staff will not allow him to enter their establishment however, as his army tank is not a recognised form of go-kart. Cairns calls this ruling 'disgraceful.'

The race between Sergeant Soldierdude and Nigel Newborn (who would have been racing in his pram) has now been cancelled due to Soldierdude being unable to compete. We cut backstage to see Poncey McPoof lying on the floor, screaming for help as a masked man with a big question mark on his shirt takes a big, watery shit right on Poncey's face. Cairns no-sells this on commentary, wondering what to have for dinner tomorrow. Anti-climatically, the Creation Crapper takes off his mask and ninja clothes to reveal himself as Poopy McPooperson, a bland looking wrestler wearing a brown singlet. Poopy says he is going to poop all over anybody who gets in his way. Poopy then farts in Poncey's face before running off down the corridor, giggling in a way which suggests he has mental issues.

Backstage and Commissioner John Smith is in his office, looking both bored and boring. Suddenly, his fax machine beeps and he gets a fax sent through. Excited, he grabs at the piece of paper and reads it, quickly going ashen white with what looks to be a very genuine look of shock and fear. Cairns jokes that the fax was probably from Commissioner Smith's Doctor, telling him that his AIDS tests came back positive. Ridiculous, tasteless and very unnecessary comment.

Back at trackside and Cairns is excitably promoting the upcoming release of 'Super Uncle Sir Chris Cairns Kart', which apparently will have Buckingham Palace as a race track. Cairns is interrupted by a panic stricken Commissioner John Smith. John pushes the fax into Cairnsy's chest and insists he read it. Cairns does so, jovially reading aloud, getting increasingly more shocked and enraged as he goes. Apparently, Mupert Rartin - lawyer to Clancy McClean - identified a legal loophole in which 'Lord' McClean is indeed the new Creation Wrestling Word Heavyweight Champion, having won the 2012 GZW2K1 Lord of the Coliseum tournament last week! The fax warns Cairns that he has approximately one week in which to formally acknowledge McClean as Creation World Heavyweight Champion, or else dire consequences shall be suffered. Cairns calls this 'bollocks,' laughing it off as silly nonsense and asking Commissioner John Smith where the title belt is at this exact moment in time. Smith nervously confesses that he handed it over to McClean three days ago, when McClean drove from San Francisco to Manchester in order to collect it. Cairns decks Smith, picking up his announcing desk and throwing it into a wall. Cairns screams at the top of his lungs that he is going to "fucking murder" McClean, getting into a go-kart and apparently setting out to drive all the way to San Francisco in order to reclaim his promotion's top title, running over Welshie Welsh as he exits the racing circuit, driving off into the sunset as the show ends on this very dramatic and exciting cliffhanger.

[Sir Chris Cairns]

Apparently very impressed with what he saw of the steroid-riddled freak's brief and stupid GZW2K1 cameo, Sir Chris Cairns has snapped up free agent President Wathan "T-Rex" Nilliams on a twenty year contract.

The signing was hurriedly made in reaction to unconfirmed rumours that Clancy McClean had expressed interest in bringing the eight feet and six inch tall Nathan Williams impersonator to Insane Gods of Wrestling.

Cairns made a handful of signings this week, looking to "bolster his squad" in a prolonged effort to win the TV ratings war against Clancy McClean's IGW promotion.

The full list of new recruits:

Monty Motivator: Motivational speaker who provides inspiration by reeling off various clichéd quotes.

Cop Kahn Moral: Former GZW2K1 Globalstar. German law enforcer.

Billy Costigan: Poor rip-off on The Departed's protagonist of the same name. Being trained to infiltrate the ranks of Clancy McClean's supposed crime empire.

Manchester Man: Masked superhero from Manchester.

Red X: ?

Wathan Nilliams: Award winning Nathan Williams impersonator.

Cara Caprice, Marcello Dias, Kris Kraven and Davie Peters were released from their contracts.

[Sir Chris Cairns]

Creation II owner Sir Chris Cairns has reportedly snapped Addison Clark up on a free transfer.

Clark - long-forgotten HotWire Magazine columnist - is said to have signed an in-ring contract with the Manchester-based promotion.

Clark will supposedly be wrestling 'Clancy McClean' in a match at upcoming pay-per-view Mathafter2K12, with the stipulation being that the loser is crowned 'Worst HotWire Magazine Columnist of All Time.'

[Sir Chris Cairns]

An enthralling sixty minute video package/gameplay trailer airs, hyping 'Super Uncle Sir Chris Cairns Kart' as the most sought after Christmas gift of the millennium. The "Greatest Video Game in Human History" will be available wherever video games are sold as of tonight!!

Authentic 'in-game footage' showcases Chris Cairns driving through the streets of Manchester in his Union Jack painted 1967 Ford Mustang, at one point running over a cardboard cut-out Clancy McClean just outside Old Trafford stadium. It should be noted that this is not in-game footage at all, despite claims to the contrary, and is in fact simply live action footage of Cairns speeding around Manchester at speeds of questionable legality.

We get brief cutaway interviews with various members of the roster, each hyping the game as a must-buy gift this Christmas season. Monster heel Santa Claus states that children all over the world have inundated him with requests for this masterpiece, claiming that he is struggling to keep up with demand. The Cheery Bus Driver insists that no game has ever caught the imagination of his passengers quite like this one has. Sergeant Soldierdude muses that 'Super Uncle Sir Chris Cairns Kart' is the perfect way to unwind after a hard day spent butchering the still-warm corpses of Iraqi children in the name of freedom.

Cairns also appears in various sit-down segments throughout the very long hype video. Cairns fails to promote the game in a productive manner, instead spending most of his time verbally deriding much-hated rival Clancy McClean. Cairns plainly states that McClean is a 'fat, cowardly political correctness' who repeatedly begged to be included as a playable character in Cairnsy's upcoming karting bonanza. Cairns mocks McClean's various failed attempts at being relevant and also makes lewd remarks about McClean's (quite possibly dead) mother.

No actual footage from the game surfaced at any point during the video.

The most important pay-per-view of all time finally kicks off at the Manchester Evening News Arena with fireworks erupting on the entrance stage. Sir Chris Cairns and "The Lone Gunman" Lord John Smith are at the announce desk, hyping tonight's event as the most eagerly anticipated wrestling extravaganza of all time. Cairns insists that he has spared no expense in putting on a scintillating show, dramatically announcing that tonight's opener will be a dream triple threat match contested between Icon Monarch, Icon Sincere and Icon Lord Deacon Kane!! John Smith gasps and falls from his chair to sell shock at the thought of the ridiculously overrated trio making an appearance here tonight.

Lord Deacon Kane's music hits and the fans are on their feet, cheering wildly. Cairns say we'll be right back after commercial break!

We return from the PPV's commercial break and Cairns is breathless at ringside, insisting that the match which just took place between Icon Monarch, Icon Sincere and Icon Lord Deacon Kane was the greatest wrestling spectacle to have ever lasted just under three minutes. Cairns awards it Match of the Year and wonders aloud how IGW will ever be able to top such an amazing booking feat. Cairns promptly awards himself Booker of the Year.

Cairns climbs into the ring and announces that his video game, 'Super Uncle Sir Chris Cairns Kart,' is now available to purchase worldwide. Cairns then introduces supposedly genuine 'live' video footage of eager consumers fighting over copies of the game in a nearby retail outlet:

Next, we head to the arena car park where we see a genuinely frightened and dishevelled looking Addison Clark being wheeled into view in a cage placed on the back of a truck. Cairns hypes up tonight's big main event: Addison Clark versus 'Clancy McClean' in order to crown the worst HotWire Magazine columnist of all time. Zero crowd reaction for Addison.

Time for our next match. Smith tries his best to hype tonight's card but Cairns is too busy harping on about how 'Super Uncle Sir Chris Cairns Kart' supposedly just crashed the Amazon and eBay web servers due to the massive demand from consumers. Anyway, Necron, The Grim Harvester and Queenie McQueer are set to compete for the tag titles against heel tandem, The Moody Bus Driver and "Nasty, Mad Bastard" Santa Claus. It's a fairly standard tag match with lots of lariats and arm drags until suddenly a very scary ghost floats down to the ring. The ghost randomly moans "Woooooo!" as it circles the ring, generally being ignored, Cairns insisting that it is a soul Necron has just harvested. Meanwhile, Queenier McQueer hits the FaggotPlex on Santa Claus for the win. New tag team champions here.

We're at the commentary table, John Smith asking if there'll be any attempts to win back the Creation Wrestling World Heavyweight Championship from IGW's Clancy McClean. Cairns gets very angry, telling Smith to shut up before going off on another rant, claiming that McClean is fat and stupid, reeling off dozens more insults we've heard countless times already.

Back from commercial and our next match of the night will see Sergeant Soldierdude taking on The Cheery Bus Driver. The babyfaces show mutual respect with a nice handshake before putting on a fifty minute wrestling clinic. Lots of near falls here in what looks like the final few moments of the match, and it's legitimately very exciting. We suddenly cut to a commercial for 'Super Uncle Sir Chris Cairns Kart' and the match between Cheery and Soldierdude seems to have been entirely forgotten about.

Backstage and a huge brawl has broken out among various roster members: Susie Blue, Seth Raide's Badass Pet Pterodactyl, Asexual Chocolate and various others. Cairns muses that they're all fighting over who gets to be first to play 'Super Uncle Sir Chris Cairns Kart.' Cairns then books a backstage Battle Royale where whoever is left standing gets to own a copy of the game. The aimless brawling continues for a good twenty minutes before Cairns gets bored and declares himself the winner.

It's time for tonight's main event and it will be 'Clancy McClean' (Poncey McPoof) going up against Addison Clark with the loser being crowned worst HotWire Magazine columnist of all time. A genuinely confused and disorientated looking Addison Clark is led down to the ring in shackles, before being rolled into the ring, weeping and complaining that he hasn't eaten in six days. Out next is 'Clancy McClean' wearing a nice frilly dress (the same one seen in the official PPV poster), along with some nice make-up and a lovely floral necklace.

The bell rings to get the match underway and Addison Clark knocks 'Clancy' to the mat before beginning to bite into his forehead. 'Clancy' screams and taps out instantly as blood seeps down his forehead. The match is over and a malnourished Addison Clark is dragged backstage, Cairns claiming that Clark will be rewarded for his victory here tonight with a free copy of 'Super Uncle Sir Chris Cairns Kart.'

'Clancy McClean' tries to crawl his way up the entrance ramp as crimson continues to seep from the gash in his forehead. Cairns gets into his Union Jack go-kart and runs right over 'Clancy McClean' before draping a sash over him which reads 'Worst HotWire Magazine Columnist Ever.' Cairns hits 'McClean' with a vertical suplex on the entrance ramp. 'McClean' is unconscious. A medic jogs onto the scene, crouches down and urgently feels for a pulse. The medic then declares that, as of 10:49pm on December 19th 2012, 'Clancy McClean' has officially pissed his frilly knickers to the point of inflicting a vaginal infection upon himself, and has thusly pissed himself to death. The entire roster comes out to congratulate Chris Cairns on his big victory (?) before Poopy McPooperson and William White hoist Cairns into the air in celebration, confetti pouring down from the rafters as a hearse driven by Necron the Grim Harvester reverses out onto the entrance stage for 'Clancy McClean' and the biggest show of the year fades to black.

[Sir Chris Cairns]

Creation Wrestling II Proudly Presents "GZW2K1 Sunday Storm - 9th December 2012"

New Year's Day and Sunday Storm finally gets underway with fireworks going off in the Manchester Evening News Arena as commentators Sir Chris Cairns and "The Lone Gunman" Lord John "Taylor" Smith welcome us to what is being teased as Creation Wrestling's 'last ever broadcast.' Cairns solemnly declares that he is considering retiring from 'The Hobby' and is going to spend the next six weeks 'mulling it over' while 'ignoring basic queries from everybody.'

We head to the local mortuary where an autopsy is being carried out on the recently deceased 'Clancy McClean' following his humiliating death via pissed knickers at the hugely unsuccessful Mathafter2K12 pay-per-view. Cairns reminds us that McClean's suspected cause of death was a vaginal infection formed by an uncontrollable pissing of the knickers (Cairns reliably informing us that the original Latin term for this condition is, in fact, Knickris McPoofi Pissi). Necron the Grim Harvester is carrying out the autopsy, and he confirms that McClean did indeed piss his frilly knickers to death. In a supposed eulogy, Cairns claims that McClean will forever be remembered as the fat cunt knickers pisser who was best friends with Jimmy Savile and who is survived by his only son, William Black.

Our first match of the night is for the tag team championships, and it will be the team of Necron the Grim Harvester and Queenie McQueer defending against the reluctantly paired together tandem of The Cheery Bus Driver and The Moody Bus Driver. The match ends when Queenie's patented FaggotPlex is countered into a BusPlex by Moody. New tag team champions! Moody and Cheery have a tense stand-off before being awarded their title belts by the referee.

Suddenly, a new character walks down the entrance ramp, Cairns referring to him as 'The Bus Ticket Inspector.' Moody and Cheery are curious as The Bus Ticket Inspector makes his way into the ring (having spent 20 minutes wandering around ringside, asking fans to present their tickets for inspection). Anyway, The Bus Ticket Inspector soon produces documentation containing DNA results and dramatically announces that Cheery and Moody are BROTHERS. Cairns screams with shock on commentary, claiming that even the greatest fiction writers of our time would not have been able to pen such a shocking twist. Cairns then awards himself "Writer of the Year" as the bus driving siblings share a tearful embrace and we cut to commercial break.

Back live and Chris Cairns is once more teasing Creation Wrestling's closure. Cairns states that now that his greatest rival, Clancy McClean, has pissed himself to death, Cairns has effectively emerged victorious and may as well just retire on a high note. Various roster members then come out and make sycophantic pleas, telling Cairns that he is the greatest booker in the history of the universe, and that nobody can do the job as well as he can, and that they'd have his babies if they could - this, despite the fact that Creation Wrestling events are often heavily delayed, illogically booked, with most of the talent being grossly misused, and with the World Title having become little more than an irrelevant joke. Cairns calms everybody down and announces that tonight's main event will be a Battle Royale where the winner becomes the NEW owner of Creation Wrestling II!

Emotional synth music accompanies yet another Chris Cairns produced "Tribute Video" for Clancy McClean. Again, Cairns-approved highlights from McClean's career are aired, primarily consisting of McClean being eliminated from various GZW2K1 Battle Royals throughout the years, intercut with seemingly random photographs of Jimmy Savile, Gary Glitter and Lostprophets singer Ian Watkins. The video ends with the text "R.I.P. Clancy McClean" and a still image of Poncey McPoof lying unconscious on the entrance ramp at Mathafter2K12, his frilly knckers stained with piss.

Cairns is getting really desperate for material here. This is the third time he has created one of these McClean 'tribute' video packages.

Addison Clark is backstage in the cafeteria, holding his dinner tray and looking for a nice, quiet place to sit. The timid, bespectacled nerd begins to eat his mashed potatoes without incident until he suddenly finds himself surrounded by backstage bullies such as Santa Claus, Lord Seth Raide's Badass Pet Pterodactyl and Poopy McPooperson. In what is quite clearly a blatant rip-off on IGW's Book Nerd skits, the bullies begin to push Addison Clark around and call him names like "Cock Muncher" and "Piss Sniffer" and "Four-Eyed political correctness-Face." Cairns laughs uproariously on commentary as Santa Claus shoves Clark face-first into his plate of mashed potatoes before Poopy gives the hapless dork a massive wedgie.

Our next match sees Welshie Welsh competing against his good friend William White. Before the match starts, White makes a good-natured joke about how Welsh people "have never really achieved anything throughout history." Welshie doesn't see the funny side and flies into a rage, smashing a steel chair repeatedly over William White's face. Welshie is like a rabid animal, brutally beating up his friend, White cowering on the canvas in the foetal position, his blood splattering everywhere as he screams like a pig being slaughtered. Security has to restrain Welshie, the Cardiff native looking absolutely manic. "What about Tom Jones?" He screams, over and over again in his stupid Welsh accent as he is led backstage in handcuffs. There is stunned silence at ringside as a severely bloody William White is scraped off the canvas and placed on a stretcher. Cairns ruins the dramatic mood by randomly musing that even Scottish people think the Welsh are useless cunts.

Backstage and numerous underutilised jobbers are having a discussion about Clancy McClean's upcoming funeral (which is tonight's new main event, Cairns having hastily cancelled the much-hyped Battle Royale). They're all generally having a good laugh at Clancy's supposed demise, Freddie Fender stating that it was "only a matter of time" before the "fat cunt" pissed himself to death.

Just when we thought we were going to make it through an entire show without any plugs for "Super Uncle Sir Chris Cairns Kart," a seven hour promotional video airs. Twice.

Main event time and the entire roster are assembled on the entrance stage as Necron the Grim Harvester drives his hearse down to ringside. The casket is soon placed in the ring and "Master of Ceremonies" Sir Chris Cairns takes the microphone. Cairns gives a sixty minute speech where he summarises the basic nuances of his hatred for Clancy McClean, reminding us that McClean turned Jay Jameson into a heroin addict, and also insisting that McClean was irrelevant and incompetent throughout the entirety of his career. Cairns insists that he can barely even remember who McClean is, because he's that unimportant, but Cairns says he is going to be the bigger man here tonight, and give Clancy a proper funeral after Clancy pissed his frilly knickers to death.

Just then, a suspiciously pissy-looking liquid begins to seep out from the bottom of the casket, the ring canvas soon covered in a puddle of piss as Cairns looks on, aghast. The casket lid opens and Poncey McPoof bursts out in his frilly knickers and silky yet piss-stained pantyhose, gasping for breath. Necron the Grim Harvester explains that "Clancy McClean" must not actually have died, but simply have gone into a deep coma due to his excessive knicker pissing. Cairns then promptly books himself against "Clancy McClean" in a Casket Match which will definitely not be happening on free television and the show abruptly ends there.

[Sir Chris Cairns]

Set to rousing orchestra music, a scintillating hype video splices together clips of historic moments from throughout human history - wars, the first man to walk on the moon, the fall of the Berlin Wall, Manchester United winning the European Cup, Clancy McClean being eliminated from the 2005 Creation Trophy Battle Royale, Sir Chris Cairns being Knighted by the Queen. The narrator then dramatically proclaims that Creation Wrestling II is going to go all out tonight in order to deliver a show which will go down in history as "The Greatest Story Ever Told." The voiceover man promises that tonight's show will contain everything including the kitchen sink!

Fireworks explode in the Manchester Evening News Arena and we cut to the announce table where Sir Chris Cairns is sitting alongside his new broadcast colleague, The Kitchen Sink. Cairns welcomes us to tonight's 'make or break' show before then turning to his broadcast colleague and asking the static plumbing fixture whether it thinks Clancy McClean will ever stop pissing his frilly, stupid cunt knickers. Cairns then turns on one of the sink's taps and listens intently, nodding in agreement to the sounds of running water for an uncomfortable ninety seconds.

Out in the ring and Sargent Soldierdude is cutting a promo about all the Iraqi children he skinned alive in the name of peace and freedom, before then insisting that his Government has declared that the 'village of Wales' is hiding weapons of mass destruction. Welshie Welsh, wearing a turban, then comes out to the ring, brandishing a leek as he protests his nation's innocence, speaking in a very politically incorrect and stereotypical Indian accent. Cairns insists that Welshie should "go back to where he fucking came from" and "learn to speak English properly." The bell rings and this match gets underway, Cairns taking every opportunity to badmouth Welsh people, insisting that Wales isn't even a real country, and that its only notable rock band has a lead singer who was recently convicted of being a paedophile. Sergeant Soldierdude wins via pinfall after smashing the butt of his rifle into Welshie's face. As Welshie is stretchered out of the arena, Cairns coldly refers to him as a "Dirty immigrant cunt."

Backstage and dastardly heels Santa Claus, The Moody Bus Driver and Poopy McPooperson are in the process of shaking down Addison Clark for his lunch money. The four-eyed dork begins to cry as the heels take turn slapping him in the face. Popular babyface Susie Blue then enters the fray and kicks Clark - a defenceless and innocent victim of bullying - square in the balls. "Take that, McClean sympathiser" Cairns shouts out on commentary, giggling like a schoolboy as Clark crumbles to the floor, coughing up blood. "You've had this coming, ally of McClean," Cairns insists, Poopy McPooprson squatting down and doing a big, squishy fart right in Clark's stupid face.

Backstage and The Lawyer is holding a press conference, informing journalists that 'Clancy McClean' has been posthumously stripped of the Creation Wrestling World Heavyweight Championship on account of having pissed his frilly knickers to death on a recent broadcast. Commissioner John Smith - also present at the press conference - announces that tonight's main event will see the crowning of a NEW World Heavyweight Champion!

Funnily enough, that main event will take place right now and the eight feet and six inch tall Wathan Nilliams is already in the ring, awaiting his opponent, who Cairns informs us is going to be making their debut here tonight. Dramatic percussion music plays and we cut to the backstage area where a midget Asian woman is swaggering down the corridor, flanked on either side by scores of security guards. Cairns identifies the tiny, docile woman as "Bill Muninberg," the 2012 Lord of the Coliseum (?). Muninberg makes her way out onto the entrance stage and is engulfed in spectacular sparkler fountains, before she then swaggers off down toward the ring. Bell rings to get the match underway and Muninberg takes the 700lb Wathan Nilliams by surprise with a Spear!! Muninberg pins Nilliams for the win and is declared new Creation Wrestling World Heavyweight Champion!!! Cairns calls this the greatest Aftermath main event he has ever seen. Muninberg Gorilla Press Slams Nilliams over the top rope and to the arena floor. The crowd chant "Muninberg! Muninberg!" as Cairns wonders if this monstrous midget can ever be stopped!!

[Sir Chris Cairns]

This week's scintillating episode of Genesis gets underway with a video package hyping one lucky CreationStar's chance to earn a fulltime GZW2K1 contract. Fans are encouraged to vote for who they want to become a GroundZero Globalstar via the Globalverse app (vote here!). Of note, the video package is dominated almost entirely by footage of Creation's owner, Sir Chris Cairns, with the rest of the roster only appearing here and there. Also, if you pause the video, you can see that the subliminal message "VOTE FOR CHRIS CAIRNS" flashes across the screen for a split-second at various instances.

We cut to the arena and SIR Chris Cairns is joined at the broadcast booth by his colleague, The Kitchen Sink. Cairns reminds us that it all hangs in the balance here tonight, begging us to vote (for him) in the poll which will determine what member of the roster receives a GZW2K1 contract. The Kitchen Sink chimes in that the rest of the roster are also hungry for GZW2K1 stardom, and will be fighting for your votes right here tonight! Cairns tells The Kitchen Sink to shut up and fires him on the spot.

"Rollin' (Air Raid Vehicle)" by Limp Bizkit hits the loudspeakers and The Moody Bus Driver and The Cheery Bus Driver both make their way down to the ring in their big buses, Cairns referring to the tag team champions as 'The Brothers of Destruction.' Their opponents here are Cell Block's family. Out come Cock Block, Intestinal Block, Concrete Block and Road Traffic Block (literally a traffic jam of vehicles which become gridlocked on the entrance ramp and around the ring, tooting their horns as their drivers exchange verbal insults). The Brothers of Destruction make short work of Cell Block's family, Moody smashing both Cock and Intestinal over the head with Concrete Block. Cheery hits Cock Block with a Tombstone Piledriver and Moody hits Concrete Block with a Last Ride and that's good for the win apparently. Cairns and the crowd were silent throughout the entire match as their view of the action was obstructed by all the buses and other vehicles surrounding the ring. Complete and utter nonsense.

DON'T FORGET TO VOTE FOR WHICH MEMBER OF THE CREATION WRESTLING ROSTER YOU WANT TO SEE GET A GZW2K1 CONTRACT SHOT AT ANNIVERSARY ARMAGEDDON!!!

World Heavyweight Champion midget Bill Muninberg is making her way down to the ring for a match against Queenie McQueer as the crowd chant "Muninberg! Muninberg!" over and over again to dramatic theme music. Cairns wonders if anyone can put a stop to Muninberg's devastating 1,563 match winning streak. The contest gets underway with Queenie quickly attempting his patented FaggotPlex, but his midget female Asian opponent is just too strong, Military Press Slamming Queenie all the way from the ring and into the third row! Cairns - apparently worried that Muninberg will upstage him in the voting for which Creation roster member gets a GZW2K1 contract shot - fires Muninberg on the spot and strips her of the world title.

The votes show that Red X is in first place at this current moment in time with regards to who gets a GZW2K1 contract shot. "Who the fuck is Red X?" Cairns screams, apparently not remembering that Nathaniel Davis' supposed alter-ego is his employee.

DON'T FORGET TO VOTE FOR SIR CHRIS CAIRNS TO GET A GZW2K1 CONTRACT SHOT AT ANNIVERSARY ARMAGEDDON!!!

Backstage and various members of the roster are arguing over why they each think they are most deserving of the fan vote for the chance to secure a GZW2K1 contract at Anniversary Armageddon, fists and weapons flying everywhere as a massive brawl breaks out. Chris Cairns - apparently very desperate for a GZW2K1 contract - does a poor attempt at dubbing his voice over the top of his employees. "I think Sir Cairns should win the vote," he says in a weak impersonation of Santa Claus, while Santa - who is most definitely not saying that - bludgeons poor Welshie Welsh over the head with severed reindeer antlers. "I agree," Cairns replies, doing an equally poor Pakistani accent impersonation of Welshie, who is unconscious and bloodied on the floor, tongue hanging out as Santa continues to beat him senseless. "I think Sir Cairns would be the best candidate to receive a GZW2K1 contract, and fans should vote for him, and I am a stupid Welsh terrorist cunt."

VOTE CAIRNS!!!

Mysterious music plays and dry mist rises from the ground as Red X - who is currently leading the votes in the fan poll - makes his way out to the ring. "Who's that?" Asks Cairns, before insisting that there is no reason whatsoever for anyone to want to vote for this nobody. Red X gets into the ring and grabs a microphone. The crowd is silent and waiting with baited breath as it looks like X will speak for the first time ever in his career. But just as X is about to utter his first words, a visibly jealous SIR Chris Cairns sneaks up from behind and smashes X over the back of the head with a steel chair. Boos ring out as Cairns tells the crowd to shut the fuck up, demanding that they all vote for him to get a GZW2K1 contract, or else they will never see another episode of their beloved Genesis ever again. Cairns then promptly cancels the rest of tonight's show as 'punishment' for not enough people voting for him.

Just when it looked like we were going to get through an entire show without a swipe being taken at Cairnsy's greatest rival, the remaining one hour and fifty minutes or airtime display a looped, ten second video of Clancy McClean being eliminated from the 2005 Creation Trophy Battle Royale.

VOTE CAIRNS!!!

Vote for which Creation Wrestling CreationStar you'd like to see receive a GZW2K1 contract opportunity at Anniversary Armageddon by voting in the Fan Poll (click here). The winning CreationStar will then face a 'TO BE ANNOUNCED' member of the GZW2K1 roster in a match at Anniversary Armageddon. If the CreationStar wins, he receives a fulltime GZW2K1 contract!!

VOTE CAIRNS!!!

[Sir Chris Cairns]

CREATION WRESTLING II NEWS

It has been revealed that SIR Chris Cairns has been thwarted in many recent attempts to purchase long-time rival wrestling promotion Insane Gods of Wrestling. Cairns, acting in the wake of the supposed 'death' of his arch-nemesis, Clancy McClean, attempted to acquire all of McClean's business assets in order to bring a satisfying end to the war which has raged between the two men since early 2005.

However, Cairns was unable to outright purchase IGW on the grounds that McClean is supposedly still alive and well, hiding in a secret underground bunker while undergoing extensive gender reassignment surgery. McClean has flat-out refused to entertain any offers from Cairns, Creation Wrestling II spokeswoman Charlie Geoheohedgehahahedgehoghehegeoraphyteachergaygan responding with an official company statement which reads: "Rest in piss, McClean."

Clancy McClean - soon to be Miss Clancette McClean - is, legally, the current Creation Wrestling II World Heavyweight Champion, having won the 2012 GZW2K1 Lord of the Coliseum tournament.