Post by Clancy McClean on Jul 14, 2004 12:54:59 GMT -6
JUST BUSINESS
[/color]TOPICAL HOTWIRE OPINION WITH CLANCY McCLEAN[/i][/size]
Imbeciles and cretins, come together in awe! For the unprecedented eighth time, Just Business comes flying at you like my private, custom-made jet.
As is the norm, I am the prominent Clancy McClean; multi-billionaire, experienced manager and part-time columnist, and I am here to enlighten you. Before I get down to brass tax, I’d like to address a shocking realisation I’ve had over the past number of days – some wrestling fans are actually able to write!
I found myself, amid all the usual fan and appreciation mail, getting several letters of complaint from addicted Just Business followers eager to get their fix, prematurely. Of course, different morons express their feelings in different, nonetheless moronic, ways, but there was one key point sticking out like an Atlanta native’s beer gut from a twenty-year-old KISS T-Shirt – this issue of Just Business was LATE!!!
I would get down on all fours and apologize, but you people are failing to realise something – nothing that I put my distinguished name to is ever late. Nor is it early, for any wannabe Smart Alecs. I present Just Business precisely when I mean to. No sooner and most definitely no later. So to you writers-in, I say don’t waste your energy. Go for a run, a swim in your local lake or river or whatever else common animals do to pass the time. Bottom line, I wouldn’t even wipe my seven-billion-dollar ass with your letters, so I suggest focussing more on coming up with the least dangerous method of hitch-hiking to Italy than bothering me with your illegible chicken-scratch complaints.
With that discomfort out of the way, it’s time to get down to business. [/color]JUST BUSINESS[/size][/b], that is!
The order of the day is derived from my groundbreaking announcement at this week’s Crimson spectacular – Clancy McClean’s “Home-Grown Heroes” Neophyte Of The Year Tournament! To avoid confusion and to generally dumb down this column for those unfortunate souls who weren’t born as brilliant as I, I’ll refer to said tournament as NOTY from now on. Got that? No…? The first letter from each word…? Got it, yet…? I doubt it, but I’ll continue anyway. The tournament will showcase young talent from all around the globe, giving the likes of Kaine and Electric Sharpe the freedom of expression they deserve, as well as helping to rid the general public of any memory of over-the-hill, wannabe has-beens like Adam Cage, Maxx Pain and Nathaniel Davis.
For those of you overwhelmingly stupid enough to forget to watch Crimson, I set the cut-off point in terms of age eligibility at twenty-six. Why so young? It is because my goal is simply to develop new talent, not to rehash old, washed-up losers with new gimmicks or ring attire. That’s right, you won’t be seeing James Corbin there trying to scrounge yet another accolade. Nor will you see Nathaniel Davis attempt to repair his tarnished legacy and prove himself once again as “GZW’s Defender”. Instead, you’ll see exciting up-and-comers: high-fliers like Kaine, risk takers like “Buzzing” Electric Sharpe, international superstars like Edwin MacPhisto… You name it, we probably have it already. Not only that, but there is already major interest being shown from overseas, not to mention the startling coincidence of the twenty-two-year-old Cursed Angel choosing to make his debut just moments after the tournament was announced? To add even more diversity, will we be seeing Pimp’s latest acquisition, a competitor of tytanic ability? A connection in Hong Kong tells me that this particular Californian will be more than eligible…<br>
Okay, okay… Enough about who’ll be in it. What exactly does the NOTY Tournament consist of, you’re probably blubbering into your third bucket of spaghetti of the evening? Depending on exactly how many worthwhile participants apply, a one night tournament will be set up. For all you know, it could consist of just four men… The key point is that this tournament will take place in just one night. If that means the eventual winner has to go through four, five, six or even seven other matches, then so be it. A man truly deserving of the moniker will see that as nothing but an opportunity. Unfortunately, I understand that the average wrestling fan is more interested in James Tanner’s love-life and a needless James “Monarch” Corbin chairshot than a traditional wrestling bout. I say this because there’s no way Hank Everydork could sit through twenty consecutive matches without a little chewing gum for the eyes…<br>
I refer to this phenomenon as unfortunate because it means that certain sacrifices will have to be made in order for such an event to get the go-ahead. The first and most prominent being that every match must have it’s own stipulation, of my choosing. This could be anything from a two-hour time limit to a ridiculous triple-table-cage-barbed-wire-flame-first-blood match, depending of course on the skill, ability and marketability of the individual participants. For example, if “Buzzing” Electric Sharpe were to take on Kaine, no crazy stipulation would be necessary as they’re guaranteed to put on a spectacular high-flying performance. On the other end of the spectrum, a snorefest like James Tanner and Edwin MacPhisto may require some ridiculous stipulation in order to keep the fans interested. If there’s a ten foot ladder or padding-less ring, it’s going to detract unwanted attention from the sheer dullness of the match and keep the idiots happy, and that’s good for business.
What about prizes? What’s in it for the individual wrestlers? For the vast majority of entrants, nothing. Not only will this tournament skyrocket the career of the eventual winner, but it will also accentuate the flaws of the runners-up. That’s why I’m not putting an open-door policy into place. If that’s how other promotions want to do it in order to fill thirty slots, let them. I will personally have someone filter out all the garbage from the true athletes so as to make for some genuine competition. Sure, I’ve sent word to BCWF, HKWF, UJW… Does that mean I’ll accept any and every entrant coming from there purely for the novelty of it? Of course not, what a stupid notion. What it means is that, for your benefit, being the Philanthropist that I am, I am expanding the horizons of possible entrants. Instead of strictly GZW competitors, I’m allowing anyone, anywhere to try out… The cut-off point in that respect will be somewhere between Willie Haire and “Mr. Big” Nathan W…<br>
So what’s left to be said? I think even the dimmest wit would have gotten the gist by now. Word from the wise is to keep an eye out for an announcement from the head office in regards to Contest of Champions V. That’s 5 (five), for the more common reader. For now I’ll leave you to bask in the glorious sea of your own body fat and perspiration. Have a serious think about what you’ve just read, whip out the dictionaries… Reach for the stars. Actually, forget that. Reach for the donuts, morons!
Clancy McClean[/size][/center]
