Post by Lone Gunman on May 12, 2011 8:04:34 GMT -6
Greetins, cretins! My name is Clancy McClean and I am here to fulfill a contractual obligation to promote upcoming masterpiece HOTWIRE TENTH ANNIVERSARY SPECTACULAR WITH SPECIAL CELEBRITY GUEST EDITOR CLANCY McCLEAN...PLUS CHRIS CAIRNS. And what better way to do that, dorks, than by throwing together a veritable chicken casserole of reheated bits and pieces from Clancy's cutting room floor over the past month or two? There is no better way. Before I get into the subcutaneous layer of fat and blubber that is GZW2K1’s upcoming special broadcast event, the fascinatingly-titled “Manchester Again”, I will massage and shave the flesh of today’s GZW2K1.
Getting down to BusinessTM, then.
2manycorbins
Roughly one fifth of GZW2K1’s active roster is comprised of people whose last name is Corbin. You’ve got James “Monarch” Corbin, Kandi Fortune-Corbin, Lord Leon Corbin, Tommy Casper-Corbin and Eva Hikari-Corbin. While the Clance-Man doesn’t doubt that each of these Corbins has earned his or her place on the roster through merit rather than family ties, it still creates a problem: That’s five people that, for the foreseeable future, will not be able to engage in any believable or heated feuds with one another. Certainly the future will probably hold some emphatic breakdown of the Corbin family dynamic leading to all sorts of money matches and programs - An epic Father/Son showdown between Monarch and Leon being the most appealing to this most appealing of journalists. For now, however, it’s all rosy. There’s even a baby on the way, glory be. The Eva-sized hole that that particular bundle-of-joy may leave in the already thin roster is another story for another day.
That Monarch is the reigning World Heavyweight Champion and that the vast majority of those that would make credible contenders share his DNA and/or last name is a problem. It is the problem, in fact. As my old college buddy Nathaniel Hawthorne once wrote, “families are always rising and falling in America”. Never heard of him? OK, how about this: GZW2K1 is often referred to as a family. The Corbin family is a family. So far so good? Good. Well, Clancy’s thoughts on the matter are this: it’ll take the fall of the Corbin family, sooner rather than later, to truly allow the rise of GZW2K1 once again.
Manchester...Again? Why...Exactly?
[/center]"Manchester Again". There is so much wrong with those two words, kids. First: Why Manchester? What exactly is this company’s obsession with that dingy little city and its dingy little inhabitants like Chris Cairns? Why the need for an entire stopover tour of the United Kingdom in the first place? And why again? I just can’t know.
Now as for the title of the event itself: It is noteworthy for the simple fact that it has given rise to the first time in history that “The Lone Gunman” Clancy McClean has ever – and will ever – agree with Piss “Chairs” Cairns. Old Cairnsy rightly vocalised his frustration at the frustratingly unimaginative title recently, and I must second his motion. Don’t get used to it, Cairnsy. This is bigger than you. I will go on record to say that this is the worst-named GZW2K1 event in ten years.
Silly name aside, what are we dealing with when it comes to Manchester Again? First things first, we’ve got Eva Hikari’s One Night Stand. Say what you will about The Chris Cairns Show, but at least Cairnsy had the good sense to attract big-name talent onto his magazine show. Eva doesn’t seem so fussy which goes some way toward explaining why of all people she has invited Cairns himself onto her show. The fact that it’s in Manchester and Cairns’ status as a W-list celebrity means she probably picked him up at a bargain basement price, so I can’t fault her too much. Too bad the segment will bomb.
The tenth Contest of Champions battle royale is set to open the show proper. This, I like. The entrants are mostly no-name tubs of sandwich filler, granted, but the format of the match guarantees at least a little excitement and spontaneity. Throw in the World Heavyweight title shot as the dangling carrot and dozen-or-so involved should put in a half-decent effort.
On the notion of 'effort', "The Clancy One" needs exhaust no more on this little bag of hype-flavoured potato chips. Preview over. You've had your taste, idiots, so savour it by not brushing your teeth for the next month or two while we all wait in fantastic anticipation for HOTWIRE TENTH ANNIVERSARY SPECTACULAR WITH SPECIAL CELEBRITY GUEST EDITOR CLANCY McCLEAN...PLUS CHRIS CAIRNS. Not that you picked noses need to be reminded not to brush your teeth. The end.
Note: The above was due for publication before Manchester Again aired. Technical difficulties can be blamed for the largely irrelevant, out of date content.
