Post by Quake on Aug 25, 2011 4:29:31 GMT -6
The Melbourne sun bore down on the Royal Melbourne Golf course, the most well renowned and expensive golf course in all of Australia. The greens are pristine, the fairways are trimmed to within a millimetre of perfect and the surroundings around the course could be taken directly from a country manor. Quake steps up to the tee on the 6th dressed in a tight pink polo shirt showing off his ripped physique, a pair of grey striped corduroy trousers, white and brown golf shoes and a visor placed over his proud bald bonce. Beads of sweat drip down his face, Quake signals to the short tubby man who is standing over his golf bag.
Quake: Hey Tricky…..I’ve kind of got a perspiration problem here and it sure isn’t wiping itself up fella!
Tricky Dicky, QVC employee, former Wrestling interviewer and Quake stooge grins at his boss and nods his head. He pulls a towel from a zip pocket of the golf bag and waddles over to the Quake One. Quake dips his head and waits as Tricky dabbles at his forehead.
Quake: Good work mate, now go fetch me my…..what’s that one called again….kind of sounds like a USB stick, goddamit I can’t remember…..
Tricky: Do you mean the Driver Quakester?
Quake: Hang on Tricky it’s coming to me if you just give me a bloody minute to Quaker-process my thoughts……fetch me a D.R.I.V.E.R will you dude.
Tricky hangs his head and scuttles back to the golf bag. He picks up a club and removes a fluffy Quake Head club cover and sets that back inside the bag. Quake is already holding his arm out in anticipation of the club as Tricky places the club into Quake’s hand…..
Quake: Hey Tricky did you watch that film on TV last night? The 40 year old virgin, it was a hoot and it got me thinking about Bane!
Tricky: Eeerrrr, it’s not like I’m an expert on this Quakester but I don’t think Bane’s a virgin, I think I might have seen kids that look like him backstage at shows or something, infact back in my reporter days I recall hearing that Bane was bit of a stud with the ladies, they must’ve liked his size….he’s a big dude!
Quake: I’m not implying he’s a virgin Tricky and I know that you know everything about every wrestler ever so I don’t doubt that rather handy bit of information you’ve just supplied me with is true. No, the film is about this dude who is totally out of his depth in the world around him. The partying, the ladies, the lads banter, he’s a man who has missed out on the best parts of his life and tries to catch up with it later on. There are plenty of young attractive women around with whom he tries it on with but at the end of the film he ends up with the boring, rather plain, simply nice lady……in the end he doesn’t end up with the big tittied playboy bunny and in my eyes that’s a fail!
Tricky seems confused, he scratches at both of his chins…..
Tricky: And this has what to do with GZW Legend Bane?
Quake: Duh?! Bane is the 40 year old virgin, the old plain lady is the symbol for settling down in humble surroundings and the bit tittied playboy bunny is the GZW Championship, who of course ends up with me. GOD, sometimes I actually think I am from the future with a brain too smart for this day and age…..now watch this drive!
Quake sets himself over the ball and wiggles his bottom. He bends his kness, straightens his arms and swings with all his might. He connects with the ball and it flies up in the air…..and right….and even more right….and disappears over the trees and probably 3 or 4 holes away from its intended target. Quake slams his club to the ground, bending it in half then flings it over his shoulders into the bushes behind him.
Quake: AAAHHHHHH I suck at this game, I don’t even know why I bother, that’s it Tricky pack up we are done here I HATE THIS GAME!!! It’s pointless, you hit a ball into a hole with a stick, then you pick the ball out of the hole, move it to another bit of grass only to try and hit it into another hole. Why not have numerous holes worth different points and have all the players hit it to one giant green? Like a melee of scoring? This game, as it stands freaking sucks man!
Tricky: Quake….this is the first hole we’ve done. In fact that is the first swing you have taken today and why in the blue bejeezus did we even start on the 6th hole?
Quake points to the camera tracking them….
Quake: I wanted it to look like we’d been here all day rather than shooting Tequila and Taco Quake Shakes all morning, speaking of which I am both drunk and hungover right now. How are you doing with that anyway, it’s still in the testing phase and we need some feedback….
Tricky: I like it, really, it’s a little spicy, a little alcoholic and a whole lot tasty!
Quake: Excellent, I always know that if I need positive feedback, that I can rely on you to not give me any actual opinions and just tell me what I want to hear.
Quake places an arm around his short portly friend who drags the golf bag behind him as the two make their way to the next hole.
Tricky: Soooo Quakester, Bane it is then and I can tell you right now that after that promo you did in the old folks home he isn’t going to be a happy camper. Bane respects GZW and GZW respects Bane and I think already your comments about on of GZW’s true sons has….well, pissed a few in the back off.
Quake stops in his tracks and raises the visor up his forehead so his eyes can meet squarely with Tricky’s.
Quake: Mate, look at me….does it look like I give a flying fuck? I am top boy around here now! When I fought Nathan Williams I told the fans exactly what I thought of him and I’ll do exactly the same thing with Bane. Bane IS old, Bane IS the past and Bane IS trying to muscle his way into the GZW Championship scene. What’s wrong with that Tricky…..people gonna start hating on me coz I’m speaking the truth, bitch please!
Tricky: Quake you are a bald, deluded, egotistical, sometimes downright crazy and nonsensical big headed son of a bitch.
Quake stares at Tricky with his mouth open…..
Tricky: Come on Quakester you know I love you but that right there is the truth but you don’t really need to hear that. As well as all that stuff you are a brilliant man with a great mind for business and a rather special sense of humor. Personally I think someone like Bane deserves to hear the good stuff and maybe tone down the other stuff you are doing……
Quake scratches his head…
Quake: Tricky….I appreciates where you are coming from here I really do. The wrestling journalist side of you is trying to weigh up the match in your head. The GZW Legend versus the GZW future in a match for the ages with the GZW Champion as referee. It could be an historic moment in my career and as you are associated with me it could be a great match for you to write about. I also know Tricky that right now you have a serious hard on for Bane and the history that he’s made in GZW but let me tell you something about the Quakester of this day and age that you might not recognise from the Quake of old…..I don’t give two shits about the history of this company or the legends who are still wondering around this place like it’s some bloody retirement home. What I care about is me. Did you hear that I handed control of QVC over to some suit so I could focus on the wrestling?
Tricky: Yes I have.
Quake: And have you seen the fucking state that douche has put my company in? Constant overspends, share prices tumbling, new lines of merchandise are dwindling. So you have to question Tricky, would I put my company in that position to walk on egg shells around people like Bane? To go out there and talk the fair fight with Bane and be all like “Hey Bane-o-rama, I like you, you like me let’s have a “hold hands match”, the first one to let go loses!” Fuck it Tricky, I call a spade a spade and I call an old has been an old bloody shrivelled up has been.
Tricky shakes his head, visibly frustrated with Quakes stubbornness. The two men walk to the green of the hole and Quake reaches into his pocket, pulls out a ball and sets it on the ground.
Quake: Anyway have you been having chats with me old chum Chris Cairns? You sound just like him…..
Tricky: Sadly it’s because he is right Quake. I haven’t spoke to Cairnsy face to face but I defiantly think that he knows Bane better than either of us and I also reckon that what he is saying is true. You’ve currently got your, rather brilliant, bald head stuck in hornets nest and you are in serious danger of getting stung….
Quake: HA, Tricky when did you get so poetic? I preferred it when you just went along with whatever I said……You and Uncle Chris both have your opinions though and that’s cool I like you and I like Chris Cairns, he’s always been good to me. What I don’t have to do is listen to anybody else. Cairnsy is very clever doing an interview to try and put a bit of fear into me, to try and warn me off telling the people out there the truth about Bane and his weaknesses but unfortunately I have drunk a whole lot of Quake Shake Truth Serum recently and I have to carry on. You see Tricky it’s like this, Cairns is out here talking the good fight for Bane but where is the animalistic giant himself? Where is Bane telling the Quakester to shut his mouth, where’s Bane telling the world that there is no way in hell that Quake has the mean streak to win this match at Crimson? I’ll tell you where he is Tricky, he’s hiding right behind Chris Cairns letting Chris say all that stuff because Bane doesn’t actually believe that crap himself. Let me show you something Tricky, something that I possess that Bane could only dream of having right now…..
Quake drops his golf club, removes his visor from his head and pulls his t-shirt off. He tenses his muscles, his six pack and large muscles bulging. His muscles on his chest and belly are even more prominent by the perfect tan that Quake has gained during his “preparations” to Heatwave.
Tricky: That is very impressive Quake, I don’t think I’ve seen you with muscles quite like it, obviously you’ve come off the booze…..
Quake: Cheeky bugger, but yes that’s true. Also I have invested in a new machine, cost me a pretty packet but it’s great you just stand in it and it’s the equivalent to doing a 4 hour weigh training session. Check them out though! My body is ripped, my arms are hard and chest doesn’t sag. Now if we got Bane here how do you think that would look? Certainly not like this. I honestly don’t care what Bane has done in the past in GZW, did you know that once I did a Friends commercial for Quake Shake….or that I once did a Quake Shake commercial with David Hasslehoff? That was stupid, who wants to see that on a wrestling show but you know I’m not judged on that stuff anymore, no one is judging me on my past so why the Quake-a-hell should I judge Bane on anything offer than the fact that he is a FORMER GZW superstar, who doesn’t have age or gravity on his side anymore.
Tricky: Gravity?
Quake: Yeah…..you think Bane’s pecs hold up like mine? Doubt it. Naturally I’m not so shallow as to say it is all in the physical side though Tricky, you have seen some of the dogs the Quakester has bought back to Quake Mansion so you know I’m not shallow. No I think that the biggest piece to defeating Bane now is Chris Cairns. Rumours are flying around that he may be going back in the corner of Bane as his manager. I’ve shared a couple of shakes with Cairnsy and I know that he is a smart fella when it comes to this wrestling business but not only that though Tricky. He is a motivator and I have no doubt that Bane is watching me drag his name and career through the dirt and he is seething. Bane is going to be pissed and he’s going to have Cairns beside him controlling his anger and getting ready to channel it in our match at Crimson…..
Tricky: EXACTLY, that’s what I’ve been saying Quake, that’s a bloody scary thought mate. You are just shaking up Bane to the point where it will be about more than just becoming the Number One contender it will be about hurting you!
Quake: Sure it is Tricky and that’s what will get the public tuning in to Crimson. I want Bane to be pissed off like never before. I want Cairns to be out here worrying about my safety and selling his monster to the masses and most importantly I want as high a viewing number as possible for Crimson because all of the people tuning in ready to watch the Quakester get destroyed by the Bane-express will be sorely disappointed when I put an end to a GZW idol. You know Tricky, I watched Cairns and you know I really respect Cairnsy but he’s beating on about that crap again. You know the crap about the Quakester not having the cutting edge, the genuine “Globalverse meanstreak”. I’ve put up with this before with Nathan and Leon both calling this and I have said that following Heatwave that I think I have this nailed but no, no one believes me…..
Quake turns face on to the camera and smiles…..
Quake: Chris….Bane….. there is no doubt that some people are born with the mean streak. Bane, no doubt the moment you were born everyone knew you had it when you popped out and chewed off your own umbilical cord or when in pre-school when your first childhood crush tried to kiss you and you powerbombed her into a sand pit or like at the birth of your own child when the doctor was delivering your baby and you thought he was just trying to get his hands on your wifes “bits” leading you to strangle him with a stethoscope. Is it this type of behaviour that shows that Bane “has” the meanstreak? I have to say I have never been an angry man and if I am it’s over trivial things such as share prices, increases in company tax or some Chinese company mugging me off and making QVC action figures with materials that fall apart as soon as they coming out of the box. That stuff gets me mean but that doesn’t really translate to the ring. I find it hard to get angry in the ring, I sometimes found it hard to get my mean streak. For example with Nathan Williams I didn’t feel mean or angry towards him, I just wanted the GZW Championship I didn’t want to “finish someone” off. Like with you Bane, I don’t hate you and I don’t want to kill you or something that’s just drastic, if I have any emotions for you it’s pity. I pity someone who just couldn’t let their legacy remain intact. I pity someone who feels that they can offer something to the world that the world just doesn’t need or want. BUT, as Cairnsy so rightly said I need to find that edge or I will continue to be a nearly man. The guy who nearly got the GZW Championship but would never finish his opponent! Even more accurately Cairns described it as “business”. Trying to finish a fellow stars career is just business. I thought about this statement for a while and Chris is bloody right. This is business and as everyone should flaming well know I am a damn good business man. So I should be able to stop holding back right? RIGHT! What I have come up with is something that will stop me holding back in the ring, not only that but it makes me downright ruthless.
Quake signals to Tricky who pulls something out of the golf bag and tosses it to Quake. The Quakester holds the can up to the camera…..
Quake: In my hand is a brand new shake designed by scientists at QVC HQ and it’s not on the market for general sale. This shake has been engineered to produce feelings of anger in the drinker, that being me. Cairns, as you rightly say this is all about business and I need to stop my morales and personal feelings getting in the way of me taking care of business. This new Quake Shake stops all that, it is a new flavour never been seen…….It is Red Meat and Stella Quake Shake…..
Quake pops the lid on the shake and takes a deep sip. Tricky cowers as Quake drinks and hides behind the golf bag. Quake finishes the can and tosses it aside, he hangs his head and a few moments pass with nothing but heavy breathing. Quake talks but doesn’t lift his head…..
Quake: I know that I am one of the best in the ring…..Cairnsy said it too and I’m sure Bane and Nathan Williams would agree. Something all four of us would agree on is that I lack the finishing touch…..I know this sounds ridiculous but this shake really does work….right now I am trying to stay calm but I feel like smashing something. This is nothing illegal it’s just a new addition to taking care of business. At Crimson I know what I am up against. I’m up against Bane a legend who wants to hurt me….no, he NEEDS to hurt me now. If he doesn’t make an example of me then everything that I have said in my promos might as well be true. Then there is the little matter of Nathan Williams as referee. Now I know that Nathan has said he will call it down the middle and that whoever wins the match deserves the shot as his title but something just doesn’t stick there. Nathan is never that respectful to a situation and we shall have to wait and see how this unfolds but all I know is this…….
Quake lifts his head, the muscles in his neck and check bulging and his eyes glazing over….
Quake: IF YOU SCREW ME OVER NATHAN GOD HELP ME I AM GOING TO DESTROY YOU!!! I’LL RIP YOUR FUCKING HEAD OFF AND SHIT DOWN YOU NECK IF YOU SO MUCH AS SLOW COUNT ME ONCE….
Suddenly a dart hits Quake in the side of the neck. The Quake One slows down, his muscles relax and his face softens. Tricky walks next to him and puts an arm around his friend.
Tricky: I’m sure glad you gave me the antidote to that shake, it’s blooming lethal!
Quake: Yeah I think we may need to work on that before Crimson it seems a bit potent at the moment…..I think I was about to start kicking the shit out of our cameraman then so kudos on the shot with the dart.
Tricky: I’ll get it back to the labs.
Quake: Good, good. Tricky, I know this seems crazy but in business sometimes you have to play dirty and I have to win this match at Crimson. I’ve got to beat Bane and beat him good because Nathan Williams will be in that ring at Crimson and he will have a front row seat in seeing what he will have to face at Down Under. I don’t know if Nathan is really going to call this down the middle or not but all I can do is head out there on the 30th and make sure that I don’t give Nathan the chance to do anything other than call me the winner. Bane IS older than me, but he also is bigger than me and more experienced than me. I’m not a total idiot and I’m not by a long shot taking this match as a given that I will win but when you are as good and as sexy as me Tricky you HAVE to know that you have a great chance of winning every match you are in. With the new Anger Shake I now have that “globalverse Mean streak” in a can. Bane….Cairns…..Williams it’s a big task Tricky no doubt, but why would I even bother with this business if it was easy all the time, I like a good challenge!
Tricky: I understand, this is a massive match for you Quakester, it’s a defining moment in your career and to be honest if you beat Bane and Nathan Williams to win the GZW Championship then that will be two bona fide legends downed on your way to the gold. And if any man can do it, then I think it’s the Quake One.
Quake: Cheers Tricky……
A ringing tone sounds out. Quake reaches into his trouser pocket and pulls out his phone. He holds his hand up to Tricky and walks out of earshot where he answers the phone. A few moments later he pops back and slides his phone back into his pocket.
Tricky: Who was that there then?
Quake: You know that kid I told you about, Reid Maxwell, he just wanted a bit of….advice. So I gave it to him and decided to ask a bit of my own.
Tricky: Oh yeah?
Quake: Yeah, chuck us a putter.
Tricky reaches into the gold bag and pulls out a putter which he hands to Quake. Quake stands over his ball with club in hand and takes a moment before hitting the ball. It rolls along the green and lands in the middle of the hole. Quake smiles.
Quake: HAHA, Reid was right it worked exactly how he said it would. I think that chap could be very useful indeed.
Quake walks up to the hole and picks his ball out. He tosses it to Tricky and the two men set off along the course to the next hole.
Quake: Hey Tricky…..I’ve kind of got a perspiration problem here and it sure isn’t wiping itself up fella!
Tricky Dicky, QVC employee, former Wrestling interviewer and Quake stooge grins at his boss and nods his head. He pulls a towel from a zip pocket of the golf bag and waddles over to the Quake One. Quake dips his head and waits as Tricky dabbles at his forehead.
Quake: Good work mate, now go fetch me my…..what’s that one called again….kind of sounds like a USB stick, goddamit I can’t remember…..
Tricky: Do you mean the Driver Quakester?
Quake: Hang on Tricky it’s coming to me if you just give me a bloody minute to Quaker-process my thoughts……fetch me a D.R.I.V.E.R will you dude.
Tricky hangs his head and scuttles back to the golf bag. He picks up a club and removes a fluffy Quake Head club cover and sets that back inside the bag. Quake is already holding his arm out in anticipation of the club as Tricky places the club into Quake’s hand…..
Quake: Hey Tricky did you watch that film on TV last night? The 40 year old virgin, it was a hoot and it got me thinking about Bane!
Tricky: Eeerrrr, it’s not like I’m an expert on this Quakester but I don’t think Bane’s a virgin, I think I might have seen kids that look like him backstage at shows or something, infact back in my reporter days I recall hearing that Bane was bit of a stud with the ladies, they must’ve liked his size….he’s a big dude!
Quake: I’m not implying he’s a virgin Tricky and I know that you know everything about every wrestler ever so I don’t doubt that rather handy bit of information you’ve just supplied me with is true. No, the film is about this dude who is totally out of his depth in the world around him. The partying, the ladies, the lads banter, he’s a man who has missed out on the best parts of his life and tries to catch up with it later on. There are plenty of young attractive women around with whom he tries it on with but at the end of the film he ends up with the boring, rather plain, simply nice lady……in the end he doesn’t end up with the big tittied playboy bunny and in my eyes that’s a fail!
Tricky seems confused, he scratches at both of his chins…..
Tricky: And this has what to do with GZW Legend Bane?
Quake: Duh?! Bane is the 40 year old virgin, the old plain lady is the symbol for settling down in humble surroundings and the bit tittied playboy bunny is the GZW Championship, who of course ends up with me. GOD, sometimes I actually think I am from the future with a brain too smart for this day and age…..now watch this drive!
Quake sets himself over the ball and wiggles his bottom. He bends his kness, straightens his arms and swings with all his might. He connects with the ball and it flies up in the air…..and right….and even more right….and disappears over the trees and probably 3 or 4 holes away from its intended target. Quake slams his club to the ground, bending it in half then flings it over his shoulders into the bushes behind him.
Quake: AAAHHHHHH I suck at this game, I don’t even know why I bother, that’s it Tricky pack up we are done here I HATE THIS GAME!!! It’s pointless, you hit a ball into a hole with a stick, then you pick the ball out of the hole, move it to another bit of grass only to try and hit it into another hole. Why not have numerous holes worth different points and have all the players hit it to one giant green? Like a melee of scoring? This game, as it stands freaking sucks man!
Tricky: Quake….this is the first hole we’ve done. In fact that is the first swing you have taken today and why in the blue bejeezus did we even start on the 6th hole?
Quake points to the camera tracking them….
Quake: I wanted it to look like we’d been here all day rather than shooting Tequila and Taco Quake Shakes all morning, speaking of which I am both drunk and hungover right now. How are you doing with that anyway, it’s still in the testing phase and we need some feedback….
Tricky: I like it, really, it’s a little spicy, a little alcoholic and a whole lot tasty!
Quake: Excellent, I always know that if I need positive feedback, that I can rely on you to not give me any actual opinions and just tell me what I want to hear.
Quake places an arm around his short portly friend who drags the golf bag behind him as the two make their way to the next hole.
Tricky: Soooo Quakester, Bane it is then and I can tell you right now that after that promo you did in the old folks home he isn’t going to be a happy camper. Bane respects GZW and GZW respects Bane and I think already your comments about on of GZW’s true sons has….well, pissed a few in the back off.
Quake stops in his tracks and raises the visor up his forehead so his eyes can meet squarely with Tricky’s.
Quake: Mate, look at me….does it look like I give a flying fuck? I am top boy around here now! When I fought Nathan Williams I told the fans exactly what I thought of him and I’ll do exactly the same thing with Bane. Bane IS old, Bane IS the past and Bane IS trying to muscle his way into the GZW Championship scene. What’s wrong with that Tricky…..people gonna start hating on me coz I’m speaking the truth, bitch please!
Tricky: Quake you are a bald, deluded, egotistical, sometimes downright crazy and nonsensical big headed son of a bitch.
Quake stares at Tricky with his mouth open…..
Tricky: Come on Quakester you know I love you but that right there is the truth but you don’t really need to hear that. As well as all that stuff you are a brilliant man with a great mind for business and a rather special sense of humor. Personally I think someone like Bane deserves to hear the good stuff and maybe tone down the other stuff you are doing……
Quake scratches his head…
Quake: Tricky….I appreciates where you are coming from here I really do. The wrestling journalist side of you is trying to weigh up the match in your head. The GZW Legend versus the GZW future in a match for the ages with the GZW Champion as referee. It could be an historic moment in my career and as you are associated with me it could be a great match for you to write about. I also know Tricky that right now you have a serious hard on for Bane and the history that he’s made in GZW but let me tell you something about the Quakester of this day and age that you might not recognise from the Quake of old…..I don’t give two shits about the history of this company or the legends who are still wondering around this place like it’s some bloody retirement home. What I care about is me. Did you hear that I handed control of QVC over to some suit so I could focus on the wrestling?
Tricky: Yes I have.
Quake: And have you seen the fucking state that douche has put my company in? Constant overspends, share prices tumbling, new lines of merchandise are dwindling. So you have to question Tricky, would I put my company in that position to walk on egg shells around people like Bane? To go out there and talk the fair fight with Bane and be all like “Hey Bane-o-rama, I like you, you like me let’s have a “hold hands match”, the first one to let go loses!” Fuck it Tricky, I call a spade a spade and I call an old has been an old bloody shrivelled up has been.
Tricky shakes his head, visibly frustrated with Quakes stubbornness. The two men walk to the green of the hole and Quake reaches into his pocket, pulls out a ball and sets it on the ground.
Quake: Anyway have you been having chats with me old chum Chris Cairns? You sound just like him…..
Tricky: Sadly it’s because he is right Quake. I haven’t spoke to Cairnsy face to face but I defiantly think that he knows Bane better than either of us and I also reckon that what he is saying is true. You’ve currently got your, rather brilliant, bald head stuck in hornets nest and you are in serious danger of getting stung….
Quake: HA, Tricky when did you get so poetic? I preferred it when you just went along with whatever I said……You and Uncle Chris both have your opinions though and that’s cool I like you and I like Chris Cairns, he’s always been good to me. What I don’t have to do is listen to anybody else. Cairnsy is very clever doing an interview to try and put a bit of fear into me, to try and warn me off telling the people out there the truth about Bane and his weaknesses but unfortunately I have drunk a whole lot of Quake Shake Truth Serum recently and I have to carry on. You see Tricky it’s like this, Cairns is out here talking the good fight for Bane but where is the animalistic giant himself? Where is Bane telling the Quakester to shut his mouth, where’s Bane telling the world that there is no way in hell that Quake has the mean streak to win this match at Crimson? I’ll tell you where he is Tricky, he’s hiding right behind Chris Cairns letting Chris say all that stuff because Bane doesn’t actually believe that crap himself. Let me show you something Tricky, something that I possess that Bane could only dream of having right now…..
Quake drops his golf club, removes his visor from his head and pulls his t-shirt off. He tenses his muscles, his six pack and large muscles bulging. His muscles on his chest and belly are even more prominent by the perfect tan that Quake has gained during his “preparations” to Heatwave.
Tricky: That is very impressive Quake, I don’t think I’ve seen you with muscles quite like it, obviously you’ve come off the booze…..
Quake: Cheeky bugger, but yes that’s true. Also I have invested in a new machine, cost me a pretty packet but it’s great you just stand in it and it’s the equivalent to doing a 4 hour weigh training session. Check them out though! My body is ripped, my arms are hard and chest doesn’t sag. Now if we got Bane here how do you think that would look? Certainly not like this. I honestly don’t care what Bane has done in the past in GZW, did you know that once I did a Friends commercial for Quake Shake….or that I once did a Quake Shake commercial with David Hasslehoff? That was stupid, who wants to see that on a wrestling show but you know I’m not judged on that stuff anymore, no one is judging me on my past so why the Quake-a-hell should I judge Bane on anything offer than the fact that he is a FORMER GZW superstar, who doesn’t have age or gravity on his side anymore.
Tricky: Gravity?
Quake: Yeah…..you think Bane’s pecs hold up like mine? Doubt it. Naturally I’m not so shallow as to say it is all in the physical side though Tricky, you have seen some of the dogs the Quakester has bought back to Quake Mansion so you know I’m not shallow. No I think that the biggest piece to defeating Bane now is Chris Cairns. Rumours are flying around that he may be going back in the corner of Bane as his manager. I’ve shared a couple of shakes with Cairnsy and I know that he is a smart fella when it comes to this wrestling business but not only that though Tricky. He is a motivator and I have no doubt that Bane is watching me drag his name and career through the dirt and he is seething. Bane is going to be pissed and he’s going to have Cairns beside him controlling his anger and getting ready to channel it in our match at Crimson…..
Tricky: EXACTLY, that’s what I’ve been saying Quake, that’s a bloody scary thought mate. You are just shaking up Bane to the point where it will be about more than just becoming the Number One contender it will be about hurting you!
Quake: Sure it is Tricky and that’s what will get the public tuning in to Crimson. I want Bane to be pissed off like never before. I want Cairns to be out here worrying about my safety and selling his monster to the masses and most importantly I want as high a viewing number as possible for Crimson because all of the people tuning in ready to watch the Quakester get destroyed by the Bane-express will be sorely disappointed when I put an end to a GZW idol. You know Tricky, I watched Cairns and you know I really respect Cairnsy but he’s beating on about that crap again. You know the crap about the Quakester not having the cutting edge, the genuine “Globalverse meanstreak”. I’ve put up with this before with Nathan and Leon both calling this and I have said that following Heatwave that I think I have this nailed but no, no one believes me…..
Quake turns face on to the camera and smiles…..
Quake: Chris….Bane….. there is no doubt that some people are born with the mean streak. Bane, no doubt the moment you were born everyone knew you had it when you popped out and chewed off your own umbilical cord or when in pre-school when your first childhood crush tried to kiss you and you powerbombed her into a sand pit or like at the birth of your own child when the doctor was delivering your baby and you thought he was just trying to get his hands on your wifes “bits” leading you to strangle him with a stethoscope. Is it this type of behaviour that shows that Bane “has” the meanstreak? I have to say I have never been an angry man and if I am it’s over trivial things such as share prices, increases in company tax or some Chinese company mugging me off and making QVC action figures with materials that fall apart as soon as they coming out of the box. That stuff gets me mean but that doesn’t really translate to the ring. I find it hard to get angry in the ring, I sometimes found it hard to get my mean streak. For example with Nathan Williams I didn’t feel mean or angry towards him, I just wanted the GZW Championship I didn’t want to “finish someone” off. Like with you Bane, I don’t hate you and I don’t want to kill you or something that’s just drastic, if I have any emotions for you it’s pity. I pity someone who just couldn’t let their legacy remain intact. I pity someone who feels that they can offer something to the world that the world just doesn’t need or want. BUT, as Cairnsy so rightly said I need to find that edge or I will continue to be a nearly man. The guy who nearly got the GZW Championship but would never finish his opponent! Even more accurately Cairns described it as “business”. Trying to finish a fellow stars career is just business. I thought about this statement for a while and Chris is bloody right. This is business and as everyone should flaming well know I am a damn good business man. So I should be able to stop holding back right? RIGHT! What I have come up with is something that will stop me holding back in the ring, not only that but it makes me downright ruthless.
Quake signals to Tricky who pulls something out of the golf bag and tosses it to Quake. The Quakester holds the can up to the camera…..
Quake: In my hand is a brand new shake designed by scientists at QVC HQ and it’s not on the market for general sale. This shake has been engineered to produce feelings of anger in the drinker, that being me. Cairns, as you rightly say this is all about business and I need to stop my morales and personal feelings getting in the way of me taking care of business. This new Quake Shake stops all that, it is a new flavour never been seen…….It is Red Meat and Stella Quake Shake…..
Quake pops the lid on the shake and takes a deep sip. Tricky cowers as Quake drinks and hides behind the golf bag. Quake finishes the can and tosses it aside, he hangs his head and a few moments pass with nothing but heavy breathing. Quake talks but doesn’t lift his head…..
Quake: I know that I am one of the best in the ring…..Cairnsy said it too and I’m sure Bane and Nathan Williams would agree. Something all four of us would agree on is that I lack the finishing touch…..I know this sounds ridiculous but this shake really does work….right now I am trying to stay calm but I feel like smashing something. This is nothing illegal it’s just a new addition to taking care of business. At Crimson I know what I am up against. I’m up against Bane a legend who wants to hurt me….no, he NEEDS to hurt me now. If he doesn’t make an example of me then everything that I have said in my promos might as well be true. Then there is the little matter of Nathan Williams as referee. Now I know that Nathan has said he will call it down the middle and that whoever wins the match deserves the shot as his title but something just doesn’t stick there. Nathan is never that respectful to a situation and we shall have to wait and see how this unfolds but all I know is this…….
Quake lifts his head, the muscles in his neck and check bulging and his eyes glazing over….
Quake: IF YOU SCREW ME OVER NATHAN GOD HELP ME I AM GOING TO DESTROY YOU!!! I’LL RIP YOUR FUCKING HEAD OFF AND SHIT DOWN YOU NECK IF YOU SO MUCH AS SLOW COUNT ME ONCE….
Suddenly a dart hits Quake in the side of the neck. The Quake One slows down, his muscles relax and his face softens. Tricky walks next to him and puts an arm around his friend.
Tricky: I’m sure glad you gave me the antidote to that shake, it’s blooming lethal!
Quake: Yeah I think we may need to work on that before Crimson it seems a bit potent at the moment…..I think I was about to start kicking the shit out of our cameraman then so kudos on the shot with the dart.
Tricky: I’ll get it back to the labs.
Quake: Good, good. Tricky, I know this seems crazy but in business sometimes you have to play dirty and I have to win this match at Crimson. I’ve got to beat Bane and beat him good because Nathan Williams will be in that ring at Crimson and he will have a front row seat in seeing what he will have to face at Down Under. I don’t know if Nathan is really going to call this down the middle or not but all I can do is head out there on the 30th and make sure that I don’t give Nathan the chance to do anything other than call me the winner. Bane IS older than me, but he also is bigger than me and more experienced than me. I’m not a total idiot and I’m not by a long shot taking this match as a given that I will win but when you are as good and as sexy as me Tricky you HAVE to know that you have a great chance of winning every match you are in. With the new Anger Shake I now have that “globalverse Mean streak” in a can. Bane….Cairns…..Williams it’s a big task Tricky no doubt, but why would I even bother with this business if it was easy all the time, I like a good challenge!
Tricky: I understand, this is a massive match for you Quakester, it’s a defining moment in your career and to be honest if you beat Bane and Nathan Williams to win the GZW Championship then that will be two bona fide legends downed on your way to the gold. And if any man can do it, then I think it’s the Quake One.
Quake: Cheers Tricky……
A ringing tone sounds out. Quake reaches into his trouser pocket and pulls out his phone. He holds his hand up to Tricky and walks out of earshot where he answers the phone. A few moments later he pops back and slides his phone back into his pocket.
Tricky: Who was that there then?
Quake: You know that kid I told you about, Reid Maxwell, he just wanted a bit of….advice. So I gave it to him and decided to ask a bit of my own.
Tricky: Oh yeah?
Quake: Yeah, chuck us a putter.
Tricky reaches into the gold bag and pulls out a putter which he hands to Quake. Quake stands over his ball with club in hand and takes a moment before hitting the ball. It rolls along the green and lands in the middle of the hole. Quake smiles.
Quake: HAHA, Reid was right it worked exactly how he said it would. I think that chap could be very useful indeed.
Quake walks up to the hole and picks his ball out. He tosses it to Tricky and the two men set off along the course to the next hole.
