The Remarkable Report (1)

[Sir Chris Cairns]

The Remarkable Report


The explosive HotWire Magazine column GroundZero does not want you to read...

w/ Billy Diamond-Remarkable

[/size][/i]




I think it's a damn shame that no-talent, boring jokes like Munin are coddled and gently guided to the top of the ladder while we have a guy like John Champa contemplating retirement. Champa feels that he doesn't get the respect from management that he rightfully deserves, and he's right. John has grown, evolved and improved tenfold since he first came here to GZW2K1 and he is now one of our industry's major players. He has always been reliable and professional up until this point and it doesn't shock me to learn that he's thinking about jacking it all in.

Champa is not some Kellar-esque spoilt brat who books himself into title shots and then throws a tantrum and quits the company when his unreasonable demands are rejected. Champa has proven his worth to this company time and time again and if GZW2K1 management had any sense (they don't) then they'd be hanging onto this kid for dear life.

He has a helluva lot more to offer this company than our current World Champion.

-

I hear rumours from very credible sources that Munin is set for a lengthy GZW2K1 World Heavyweight Championship reign which could even take us all the way through to Heatwave 10. If this were to happen then I can't even begin to contemplate just what an absolute disaster it would be for this company. The damage may well be irreversible.

GZW2K1 seems to pride itself on stupidly long and mundane title runs and it looks like we're in for more of the same with Lady Munin. This is despite the fact that she can't talk. She doesn't chip in. She's not marketable. She's not exciting. She's not interesting. She's immature. She's unreliable. She doesn't know the first fucking thing about building heat. She's in the firing line right now and she is being systematically butchered from all corners and she's doing nothing about it. She's not worth the investment and I really must question the sanity (yet again) of the idiots who run this asylum.

I think GZW2K1 needs to act quickly. Get the belt off this woman and give it to someone who knows what they're doing with it. There isn't really anyone on the roster who is ready to have the torch passed down to them at this moment in time (a problem you could write a book on), so your best bets for a secure title reign are either Leon Corbin, John Champa or Nathan Williams.

GZW2K1 needs to swallow their stubborn pride, admit that they are wrong, and get the belt away from this complete failure of a Globalstar as quickly as possible. She's already proven she's incapable of carrying the company and fans won't fall for insulting, bullshit assertions about company stock 'rising considerably.' It's just not true and this whole sorry issue needs to be resolved ASAP.

Carrying the top strap is no easy task. It requires thick skin and a cunning which Munin just does not posses. The locker room is not 'split' in its opinion (as the bullshit press release from our PR department claimed). Nobody thinks Munin as champion is a good idea. Period.

-

A lot of people think Billy Diamond-Remarkable is a sexist, bigoted pig. I just speak my mind and tell it like it is. GZW2K1 seems infinitely proud of their female-heavy roster right now - but why? And what the hell is all this 'Fight Like A Girl' nonsense anyhow?

Listen, a good female on the roster enhances the product and diversifies our demographic and marketing potential. I'm not an idiot and I know how things work around here. Women Globalstars are good. Davina Cameron is wonderful. Even Eva Corbin was good for business.

My problem right now is the 'celebration' of all these bland clones such as Sophia, Piper, Kate, Joy, Nobunaga, Annin, Munin and even boring old "I Was Booked to Gorilla Press Slam a 300lb Man When My Back Was Broken" Kandi Fortune-Corbin. For the most part these women are pleasant, polite, cheery... and just downright happy and grateful to be on primetime television.

With the exception of Kandi, none of the names mentioned above know the first thing about building heat or selling a feud. They are boring, interchangeable and desperately in need of something interesting to do.

It rubs off on the male roster, too. Our entire mid and lower card seems to be comprised of a big list of people who are all chums; the best of friends. They compliment one another and talk in pleasant tones about putting on good, competitive matches. Sean Locke and Alex Cross are just two of the emasculated fairy boy morons of whom I speak.

Things sure did get much more pleasant around here when we got rid of the likes of Quake, Pimp Bizkit and Seth Raide, replacing them with Sophia Wilson, Kate Greene Gilespie and Piper Sanchez.

They say that if women ran the world then there'd be no wars. Maybe they're right, but peace and harmony do not make for compelling GZW2K1 television.

-

With the exception of decent main events involving an intriguing 'Globalverse Vote' concept, it seems that the return of Wreckage has been a major failure thus far. That's hardly surprising considering some of the creative constraints the Wreckage booking team are rumoured to be working under. No title changes. No 'shock wins.' All matches not directly concerned with the TV title must be squash matches. No title other than the TV title is allowed to appear on the show. Main event players must not appear on the show. Everything must be approved by (apparently) Nathaniel Davis. Yes, it all sounds like a recipe for disaster.

I guess the one positive aspect is that this absolute train wreck makes for more compelling television than Munin's title run.

-

So how is Aftermath2K12 shaping up? Well, we have most of the boring jobber women booked into a single tag match which will hopefully be over and done with as quickly as possible. Nobunaga and Annin probably won't be with us by the time Anniversary Armageddon rolls around and nobody gives two shits about Piper or Kate.

The only other match booked thus far is between Kolic and Davina. Intriguing, but we'll reserve judgement until we see how well they build it in the coming weeks.

My predictions for the main event? Unfortunately, it'll involve Munin defending the title belt she should never have won in the first place. Considering Munin has no interesting back story or any memorable feuds to draw upon, they should probably just stick her into a match with Leon Corbin, seeing as Corbin has actually pushed Munin's title reign more than the champion has. And Corbin should win it, too.

John Champa needs to be highlighted on this card and in a big way. GZW2K1 cannot afford to lose a talent such as "The Big Shot" when the roster is already stretched so ridiculously thin. Give this man whatever match he wants and ensure he signs a new contract!

Obviously my client Quarrie Naughton Caprice will feature on the card and will prove to be a terrific addition. My guess would be that he will be involved in whatever the TV title match will be. Lest we forget, Quarrie would be champion right now if it weren't for Nathaniel Davis and his infuriating incompetence. I think Alex Cross will end up defending against Quarrie, and possibly that Canadian idiot, Vitamin G.

What does GZW2K1 do with Sean Locke at Aftermath? I don't know. Does Locke even care?

Expect Nathan Williams to be slotted in somewhere.

Expect Bane to try and wriggle his way onto the card. He is only interested in Aftermath and Heatwave paydays these days.

Hopefully Kellar and Sophia will be released by the time Aftermath rolls round. I hear they may be on their way out...

That's all from me for now. I'm sure you'll see me carrying that deadbeat, Weston Bentley, on an episode of 'Diamond in the Rough' at some point before Aftermath.

Remarkably Yours,
Billy Diamond-Remarkable