GZW2K1 Anniversary: HotWire Blast from the Past 1
Feb 25, 2013 5:57:17 GMT -6
Icon Lord Leon Corbin and Rob like this
Post by Sir Chris Cairns on Feb 25, 2013 5:57:17 GMT -6
Celebrating GZW2K1's anniversary, a series of 'Old School' HotWire Magazine columnists will be making one-off appearances this week as we hurtle on down the road towards Anniversary Armageddon 2013.
Vintage HotWire Magazine Column:
SEVEN'S HOUSECLEANING TIPS
REPENT! REPENT! REPENT! It is time for I, GZW2K1's Dark Angel, to dispense my latest round of housecleaning tips. IF YOU DO NOT KEEP A CLEAN AND TIDY HOUSE THEN YOU SHALL FACE FIERY AND ETERNAL REDEMPTION IN HELL! HELL!! HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELL!!!
Dear Seven,
I am a busy housewife with six kids and I just feel so overwhelmed all the time that I barely even know where to begin when it comes to doing housework. Any tips would be very much appreciated.
- Cindy, Boston MA.
Seven's Reply:
Cindy, Female Bitch, I understand your predicament perfectly, but you must realise that IF YOU DO NOT TAKE HOUSEWORK SERIOUSLY THEN I WILL HAVE TO CAST YOU INTO THE FIRES OF ETERNAL TORMENT, JUST LIKE I DID TO GZW2K1'S GREATEST PRODUCITON LORD LONEGUNMAN!!! Create a 'cleaning plan' so that you can focus your efforts on one room at a time, and one task at a time. Give greatest priority to kitchens and bathrooms AS THEY ARE WHERE MOST GERMS TEND TO SPREAD LIKE THE SEEDS OF WRATH FROM THE CORBIN FAMILY OF IMPOTENT BASTARDS!!!! CREATE A TIMETABLE FOR EACH CLANING TASK SUCH AS DUSTING, HOOVERING, DISHES ETC.
QUICK DEMONIC TIP: Don't wash your windows on sunny days as they will dry too quickly and this will cause visible streaks! An overcast day is better. I WILL FORCE THAT BABIED GIANT ICON NATHAN WILLIAMS TO GROVEL AT HIS OWN FEET!!!
ITS IS IMPORTANT TO WASH DISHES. EVEN MORE IMPORTANT THAN BECOMING GZW2K1'S GREATEST PRODUCTION.
Dear Seven,
I was wondering if you had any suggestions on how to clean my house more effectively as one of my children has dust allergies.
- Mary, Orlando FL
Seven's Reply:
ASHES TO ASHES, DUST TO DUST, AS THE GLOBALVERSE IMPLODES INTO AN ETERNITY OF DESTRUCTION AND DOOM WILL REIGN. Mary, I would advise washing your child's bedding once every five days at a high temperature of around 130F so as to kill dust mites JUST LIKE I DESTROYED GZW2K1'S GREATEST PRODUCTION LORD LONEGUNMAN AND THE PRETENDER TO THE THRONE ZAC SHARP THE MAN BITCH. Also, don't use any scented cleaners or detergents as the fragrances can trigger various allergy symptoms. Don't shampoo carpets as the moisture can encourage dust mites to breed LIKE THE FILTH-RIDDEN CORBIN MONARCHY!!! BURN IN HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELL!!!! IF ALL ELSE FAILS, SACRIFICE YOUR CHILD TO THE DARK ANGEL!!!
Seven's Houseclaning Tips first appeared in HotWire Magazine in March 2005.
Vintage HotWire Magazine Column:
SEVEN'S HOUSECLEANING TIPS
Tips and advice for the budding housewife, directly from GZW2K1's Darkest Angel (Parody).
REPENT! REPENT! REPENT! It is time for I, GZW2K1's Dark Angel, to dispense my latest round of housecleaning tips. IF YOU DO NOT KEEP A CLEAN AND TIDY HOUSE THEN YOU SHALL FACE FIERY AND ETERNAL REDEMPTION IN HELL! HELL!! HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELL!!!
-
Dear Seven,
I am a busy housewife with six kids and I just feel so overwhelmed all the time that I barely even know where to begin when it comes to doing housework. Any tips would be very much appreciated.
- Cindy, Boston MA.
Seven's Reply:
Cindy, Female Bitch, I understand your predicament perfectly, but you must realise that IF YOU DO NOT TAKE HOUSEWORK SERIOUSLY THEN I WILL HAVE TO CAST YOU INTO THE FIRES OF ETERNAL TORMENT, JUST LIKE I DID TO GZW2K1'S GREATEST PRODUCITON LORD LONEGUNMAN!!! Create a 'cleaning plan' so that you can focus your efforts on one room at a time, and one task at a time. Give greatest priority to kitchens and bathrooms AS THEY ARE WHERE MOST GERMS TEND TO SPREAD LIKE THE SEEDS OF WRATH FROM THE CORBIN FAMILY OF IMPOTENT BASTARDS!!!! CREATE A TIMETABLE FOR EACH CLANING TASK SUCH AS DUSTING, HOOVERING, DISHES ETC.
-
QUICK DEMONIC TIP: Don't wash your windows on sunny days as they will dry too quickly and this will cause visible streaks! An overcast day is better. I WILL FORCE THAT BABIED GIANT ICON NATHAN WILLIAMS TO GROVEL AT HIS OWN FEET!!!
ITS IS IMPORTANT TO WASH DISHES. EVEN MORE IMPORTANT THAN BECOMING GZW2K1'S GREATEST PRODUCTION.
-
Dear Seven,
I was wondering if you had any suggestions on how to clean my house more effectively as one of my children has dust allergies.
- Mary, Orlando FL
Seven's Reply:
ASHES TO ASHES, DUST TO DUST, AS THE GLOBALVERSE IMPLODES INTO AN ETERNITY OF DESTRUCTION AND DOOM WILL REIGN. Mary, I would advise washing your child's bedding once every five days at a high temperature of around 130F so as to kill dust mites JUST LIKE I DESTROYED GZW2K1'S GREATEST PRODUCTION LORD LONEGUNMAN AND THE PRETENDER TO THE THRONE ZAC SHARP THE MAN BITCH. Also, don't use any scented cleaners or detergents as the fragrances can trigger various allergy symptoms. Don't shampoo carpets as the moisture can encourage dust mites to breed LIKE THE FILTH-RIDDEN CORBIN MONARCHY!!! BURN IN HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELL!!!! IF ALL ELSE FAILS, SACRIFICE YOUR CHILD TO THE DARK ANGEL!!!
Seven's Houseclaning Tips first appeared in HotWire Magazine in March 2005.
