Post by Sir Chris Cairns on Feb 9, 2015 9:14:23 GMT -6
SIR Chris Cairns is stood inside a GZW2K1 promo room. With his jewel-encrusted crown perched atop his majestic head and his regal scepter held in its holster, Cairns stretches both arms out by his sides in noble wonderment.
Cairns: Is Non-Icon Nathaniel Davis booking this shite? Is he still pulling the pissy strings from beyond his pissed-knickers grave? Is the ghost of Non-Icon Nathaniel Davis still running amok in the GZW2K1 Command Suite? See, Cairnsy had thought that when he murdered Non-Icon Nathaniel Davis and his idiot-boy in cold blood at Heatwave 11 then that would have been the end of all this petty nonsense! Indeed, I buried both corrupt Father and nepotism-drenched Son alive and then I proceeded to piss on their singular grave, yet still Cairnsy is being besmirched from all angles!
Cairns shakes his regal head in royal disbelief.
Cairns: I mean, you'd have to be sniffing fucking glue to have come up with this Crimson card, and we all know that Non-Icon Nathaniel Davis was extremely fond of glue sniffing, illegal drug use, domestic violence against his numerous wives and so on. So, Non-Icon Nathaniel Davis coming back from the dead and booking this nonsensical Crimson bollocks is the only logical explanation I have as to why Cairns has been unreetfully shafted yet again!
Cairns grabs his regal scepter from its holster and angrily swishes it through the air.
Cairns: I mean, for piss sake, why is the 2013 Globalstar of the Year being booked against Happy Sumo, when the match that everyone obviously wants to see is the one in which Cairnsy finally competes for the GZW2K1 World Heavyweight Championship? SIR CHRIS CAIRNS! And who in the bloody hell is 'Ian Headline' anyway? What sort of stupid name is that? Whatever next, eh? 'Keith Ratings?' 'Phil To Capacity?' Don't make me bloomin' laugh, mates! SIR CHRIS CAIRNS!
Cairns produces a handkerchief with Clancy McClean's face on it from his pocket and blows his nose with it. He places it back in his pocket.
Cairns: And so, at Crimson, Lord Leon Pissbin will be taking on Ian Headline. MEANWHILST, I will be suffering the indignity of facing an obese man who wears a nappy to the ring! Apparently, this is fitting reward for a man – nay, legend – who has stuck with this company through thick and thin! Well, Cairnsy will just have to take his regal dismay out on Happy Sumo and stab the fat jester to death, before then having me new, loyal manservant – Damien Knight-Shite – bury Sumo's corpse in an unmarked grave! Let it be written, let it be done! SIR CHRIS CAIRNS! SIR CHRIS CAIRNS! SIR CHRIS CAIRNS!!
Cairns marches off, thrusting his scepter into the air as he chants his own name over and over again. Fade to pissed knickers.
Cairns: Is Non-Icon Nathaniel Davis booking this shite? Is he still pulling the pissy strings from beyond his pissed-knickers grave? Is the ghost of Non-Icon Nathaniel Davis still running amok in the GZW2K1 Command Suite? See, Cairnsy had thought that when he murdered Non-Icon Nathaniel Davis and his idiot-boy in cold blood at Heatwave 11 then that would have been the end of all this petty nonsense! Indeed, I buried both corrupt Father and nepotism-drenched Son alive and then I proceeded to piss on their singular grave, yet still Cairnsy is being besmirched from all angles!
Cairns shakes his regal head in royal disbelief.
Cairns: I mean, you'd have to be sniffing fucking glue to have come up with this Crimson card, and we all know that Non-Icon Nathaniel Davis was extremely fond of glue sniffing, illegal drug use, domestic violence against his numerous wives and so on. So, Non-Icon Nathaniel Davis coming back from the dead and booking this nonsensical Crimson bollocks is the only logical explanation I have as to why Cairns has been unreetfully shafted yet again!
Cairns grabs his regal scepter from its holster and angrily swishes it through the air.
Cairns: I mean, for piss sake, why is the 2013 Globalstar of the Year being booked against Happy Sumo, when the match that everyone obviously wants to see is the one in which Cairnsy finally competes for the GZW2K1 World Heavyweight Championship? SIR CHRIS CAIRNS! And who in the bloody hell is 'Ian Headline' anyway? What sort of stupid name is that? Whatever next, eh? 'Keith Ratings?' 'Phil To Capacity?' Don't make me bloomin' laugh, mates! SIR CHRIS CAIRNS!
Cairns produces a handkerchief with Clancy McClean's face on it from his pocket and blows his nose with it. He places it back in his pocket.
Cairns: And so, at Crimson, Lord Leon Pissbin will be taking on Ian Headline. MEANWHILST, I will be suffering the indignity of facing an obese man who wears a nappy to the ring! Apparently, this is fitting reward for a man – nay, legend – who has stuck with this company through thick and thin! Well, Cairnsy will just have to take his regal dismay out on Happy Sumo and stab the fat jester to death, before then having me new, loyal manservant – Damien Knight-Shite – bury Sumo's corpse in an unmarked grave! Let it be written, let it be done! SIR CHRIS CAIRNS! SIR CHRIS CAIRNS! SIR CHRIS CAIRNS!!
Cairns marches off, thrusting his scepter into the air as he chants his own name over and over again. Fade to pissed knickers.
