Cairnsy Predicts Crimson Knickers

[Sir Chris Cairns]

Ground Zero Global
In Cahoots With
Nathaniel "Red X" Davis

Presents



31st March 2015

"Live from the GZW2K1 Coliseum in Atlanta, Georgia"


Singles Match
Red Dragon versus "The Big Shot" John Champiss

Is "Red Dragon" the GZW2K1 pseudonym for Creation Wrestling II jobber Welshie Welsh? For all you idiot Americans who did not understand that hilarious joke and extremely clever reference, a red dragon is the symbol of Wales. And for all of you idiot Americans who are unaware, Wales is a little village just off to the West of London. And for all of you idiot Americans who are too stupid to even point to your own continent on a map, London is the English city in which SIR Chris Cairns was legitimately Knighted by the Queen in a glittering ceremony at Buckingham Palace. Whichever way you slice it, Red Dragon is as useless as Welshie Welsh, so they may as well just be the same person. Anyway, what was the original point I was trying to make before I was interrupted by all of those idiot Americans? Oh yes: John Champiss wins. SIR Chris Cairns!

Singles Match
America Vaughn versus Amanda Reynolds

Ah, here is one of those idiot Americans that Cairnsy was just talking about; so idiotic, in fact, that she had to name herself after her continent of birth so that she could remember where she lives! On her official GZW2K1 bio, America Vaughn's wrestling style is described as "quick" and Cairnsy certainly hopes that this will be the case! Meanwhile, Amanda Reynolds is back in action and looking to make an impact as she... oh, who cares? The winner of this match is any spectator in need of a piss! Everybody reading this should be absolutely shocked and appalled that these two nobodies are booked on a Crimson card while Nathaniel Davis once more ensures that Cairns is forced to sit on the sidelines. It looks like "The Lone Gunman" SIR Chris Cairns is just going to have to continue to fight the good fight against the corrupt Davis family until I have murdered both father and son once and for all!

Tag Team Match
Clan Mayhem (The Demon and Damien) versus Tamer and Lady Munin

Damien? Damien, as in, Damien Shite-Knight, me loyal manservant and personal punching bag? Since when did that loser get a job back with GZW2K1? Still, he's in good company, because his opposition aren't worth a piss in a postbox either! Let's see then, what does Cairnsy predict will happen in this match? Well, some sort of wrestling "action" will take place and then by the time June comes around none of these wastes of time will be on the active roster anymore. How does that sound? Exactly. Still, I just got off the phone to Prince William and me and him were having a reet good laugh at Munin's expense, because her 2012 Lord of the Coliseum victory brought so much shame upon GZW2K1 that Logan Corzair personally fired the Lord of the Coliseum tournament and promised that it would never return to this Globalverse ever again! Damien Shite-Knight gets the pinfall submission via count out when Lady Munin gets thrown out of the ring and her stubby little legs are too short to enable her to climb back in!   

"Wild Card" Eddie Pissville Television Championship Match
Stephon Davis versus Piper Sanchez

What sort of Piper is Sanchez? A bagpiper? A pied piper? An offshore pipeline installation engineer? Nonetheless, Cairnsy is going to have to insist that she step aside on this occasion, because you can all rest assured that Cairnsy is going to strike as soon as Stephon Davis shows his ugly face and the results will not be pretty! Still no one has answered Cairnsy's question: WHY is Stephon Davis getting a title shot? Better yet, WHY is Nathaniel Davis allowed to showcase such favoritism so blatantly and receive no punishment whatsoever? I have been calling out Nathaniel Davis for YEARS and yet he still hides from me. Cairnsy is left with no choice but to dedicate his regal life to eradicating both Davis Junior and Davis Senior from the Globalverse once and for all. Stephon Davis, you are going to feel me regal wrath tonight at Crimson!  

GZW2K1 Intercontinental Heavyweight Championship Match: Non-Title Match
Kolic versus Ring of Honor Icon Lady Eva "Nemesis" Pisskari

This match will pit the dastardly Kolic against Lord Leon Pissbin's feeble attempt to persuade the world that he is not, in actual fact, a sausage jockey. Obviously, this match serves no real purpose other than to be the "comedown match" following Stephon Davis' deserved murder and death at the hands of SIR Chris Cairns. During this match, you will likely see medics stretchering Stephon Davis' dead body out of the Coliseum and into a nearby graveyard. Again, Sean Locke will delay his much-hyped return because he is too terrified of SIR Chris Cairns and... I have lost all interest in writing this (roughly four paragraphs ago). It is probably best you all just tune into Crimson in order to witness Stephon Davis suffering his deserved and painful comeuppance! 

**knickers subject to change**