Post by Sir Chris Cairns on Apr 15, 2015 11:12:12 GMT -6
We're once again deep inside "Buckingham Palace" and SIR Chris Cairns is sat on his regal throne, with his regal crown perched atop his regal head, and with a regal cup of tea placed in his regal hand. He regally sips his regal tea as GZW2K1 Senior Interview (and pest) Weston Bentley stands by, introducing both himself and his interviewee as Cairns frowns at him impatiently (and also regally). With formal introductions done and dusted, Bentley turns to Cairns.
Bentley: With a chance at winning your first title here in GZW2K1 - just over ten years since you made your Globalverse debut - what exactly is running through your mind as you get set to square off against the reigning and defending "Wild Card" Eddie Knoxville Television Champion, Piper Sanchez, at the upcoming Sunday Storm broadcast?
Cairns: Well, Pissper Sanchez should be deported back to Mexico! I hate Hispanics because they don't know how to fucking queue at bus stops, in shops, or anywhere else really! They smell, their disgusting half cast skin colour makes them look like they need a good wash and their culture is rubbish! Just deport Sanchez and give SIR Chris Cairns the "Wild Card" Eddie Knoxville Television Championship via forfeit victory! I've had it up to here with these illegal immigrants, Bentley!
Bentley: Well, Piper Sanchez was born in the United States of America, and even if she were not, she would be welcomed here to the land of the free-
Cairns rolls his eyes.
Bentley: -with open arms and she would be celebrated and lauded for being the wonderfully gifted athlete that she is! And anyway, why are YOU jumping on the anti-immigration bandwagon, Cairns? You are, after all, yourself an immigrant!
Cairns spits his tea out in shock, choking and spluttering as Damien Knight - wearing a Victorian-era maid's costume - hurriedly swoops in to tend to him, wiping Cairns' tea-soaked chin with a silk handkerchief. Cairns shoves Knight away and throws his cup of tea angrily onto the floor. The Queen's finest china smashes into bits as Bentley looks on, bemused.
Cairns: How DARE you, Weston Bentley?! I am not an immigrant… I am SIR Chris Cairns and I am the United Kingdom of England's regal ambassador to the Globalverse! And anyway, lest we forget, the upcoming edition of Sunday Storm will be taking place on Cairnsy's home turf! SIR Chris Cairns! SIR Chris Cairns!
Bentley: Well, yes, it will be Sir Chris Cairns-
Cairns waggles his scepter furiously.
Cairns: SIR CHRIS CAIRNS!!!!
Bentley: -versus Piper Sanchez, emanating from the Capital FM Arena in Nottingham, England, with the "Wild Card" Eddie Knoxville Television Championship on the line. We've already established this simple fact, so let's move on! Are you excited by this opportunity?
Cairns: I'm not excited, I'm entitled and reetfully so! It's about time Cairnsy received a title shot after an entire decade of carrying this shambles of a company on me regal back, and it's all the more satisfying for Cairnsy to be getting the chance to win the "Wild Card" Eddie Knoxville Television Championship, because this title is named after a dead person and saying how proud I am to be affiliated with a dead person who was apparently well-loved here in the Globalverse will doubtless boost me public image! Eh, can we edit that last bit out?
Bentley: You are a disgrace. And we're live on the air.
Cairns: Oh well. Shite happens, eh? SIR Chris Cairns! But more importantly than all of that nonsense, it was this very same championship belt which Stephon Davis failed so miserably to obtain just last week!
Cairns cackles at the memory of Stephon Davis failing miserably yet again.
Bentley: Well, I feel I should point out that your outside interference may have had something to do with Stephon Davis coming up short!
Cairns: Oh, shut up! As far as Cairnsy is concerned, me business with Stephon Davis has concluded and-
Bentley: But you just said last week that you wouldn't rest until Stephon Davis was dead!
Cairns: That does not sound like something that the Queen's ambassador to the Globalverse would say! If you're going to accuse Cairnsy of saying such uncharacteristic things then I hope you have witnesses?
Bentley: Yes. Several million!
Cairns waves his scepter dismissively.
Cairns: Whatever. Maybe I did threaten to kill Stephon Davis, but what does it matter? He'll be too scared to ever come near me again after I humiliated him once more at Crimson last week. There is absolutely no chance that he will try and interfere in me match against Pissper Sanchez. That just will not happen! In fact, I would even go so far as to say that if Stephon Davis DARES to show his face at Sunday Storm then me loyal manservant, Damien Knight, will eat a giant plate of me own, regal shite!
Knight: ….WHAT?!
Damien Knight is shocked by this stipulation, to say the very least. Cairns leans over and signs an official looking document.
Cairns: There! Signed! International law now dictates that if Stephon Davis shows face at Sunday Storm then Damien Knight - me loyal manservant - will be legally bound to eat me shite!
Knight: Oh… Oh no! Please! This is too much! PLEASE!!!
Bentley: Oh, for the love of God…
Cairns ignores the reactions of both Damien Knight (hysterical) and Weston Bentley (disgusted) and instead turns to face the camera.
Cairns: So you had better not show up at Sunday Storm, Stephon Davis, or else not only will I murder you and your entire family in a fit of justified rage, but an innocent servant will also have to orally consume me royal feces! I suggest you think about this very carefully, Stephon Davis!
Bentley: Well, it certainly doesn't seem like you have!
Cairns ignores Bentley and furiously fist-pumps his scepter into the air.
Cairns: SIR CHRIS CAIRNS! SIR CHRIS CAIRNS! SIR CHRIS CAIRNS! SIR CHRIS CAIRNS!
Fade to dirty half cast.
Bentley: With a chance at winning your first title here in GZW2K1 - just over ten years since you made your Globalverse debut - what exactly is running through your mind as you get set to square off against the reigning and defending "Wild Card" Eddie Knoxville Television Champion, Piper Sanchez, at the upcoming Sunday Storm broadcast?
Cairns: Well, Pissper Sanchez should be deported back to Mexico! I hate Hispanics because they don't know how to fucking queue at bus stops, in shops, or anywhere else really! They smell, their disgusting half cast skin colour makes them look like they need a good wash and their culture is rubbish! Just deport Sanchez and give SIR Chris Cairns the "Wild Card" Eddie Knoxville Television Championship via forfeit victory! I've had it up to here with these illegal immigrants, Bentley!
Bentley: Well, Piper Sanchez was born in the United States of America, and even if she were not, she would be welcomed here to the land of the free-
Cairns rolls his eyes.
Bentley: -with open arms and she would be celebrated and lauded for being the wonderfully gifted athlete that she is! And anyway, why are YOU jumping on the anti-immigration bandwagon, Cairns? You are, after all, yourself an immigrant!
Cairns spits his tea out in shock, choking and spluttering as Damien Knight - wearing a Victorian-era maid's costume - hurriedly swoops in to tend to him, wiping Cairns' tea-soaked chin with a silk handkerchief. Cairns shoves Knight away and throws his cup of tea angrily onto the floor. The Queen's finest china smashes into bits as Bentley looks on, bemused.
Cairns: How DARE you, Weston Bentley?! I am not an immigrant… I am SIR Chris Cairns and I am the United Kingdom of England's regal ambassador to the Globalverse! And anyway, lest we forget, the upcoming edition of Sunday Storm will be taking place on Cairnsy's home turf! SIR Chris Cairns! SIR Chris Cairns!
Bentley: Well, yes, it will be Sir Chris Cairns-
Cairns waggles his scepter furiously.
Cairns: SIR CHRIS CAIRNS!!!!
Bentley: -versus Piper Sanchez, emanating from the Capital FM Arena in Nottingham, England, with the "Wild Card" Eddie Knoxville Television Championship on the line. We've already established this simple fact, so let's move on! Are you excited by this opportunity?
Cairns: I'm not excited, I'm entitled and reetfully so! It's about time Cairnsy received a title shot after an entire decade of carrying this shambles of a company on me regal back, and it's all the more satisfying for Cairnsy to be getting the chance to win the "Wild Card" Eddie Knoxville Television Championship, because this title is named after a dead person and saying how proud I am to be affiliated with a dead person who was apparently well-loved here in the Globalverse will doubtless boost me public image! Eh, can we edit that last bit out?
Bentley: You are a disgrace. And we're live on the air.
Cairns: Oh well. Shite happens, eh? SIR Chris Cairns! But more importantly than all of that nonsense, it was this very same championship belt which Stephon Davis failed so miserably to obtain just last week!
Cairns cackles at the memory of Stephon Davis failing miserably yet again.
Bentley: Well, I feel I should point out that your outside interference may have had something to do with Stephon Davis coming up short!
Cairns: Oh, shut up! As far as Cairnsy is concerned, me business with Stephon Davis has concluded and-
Bentley: But you just said last week that you wouldn't rest until Stephon Davis was dead!
Cairns: That does not sound like something that the Queen's ambassador to the Globalverse would say! If you're going to accuse Cairnsy of saying such uncharacteristic things then I hope you have witnesses?
Bentley: Yes. Several million!
Cairns waves his scepter dismissively.
Cairns: Whatever. Maybe I did threaten to kill Stephon Davis, but what does it matter? He'll be too scared to ever come near me again after I humiliated him once more at Crimson last week. There is absolutely no chance that he will try and interfere in me match against Pissper Sanchez. That just will not happen! In fact, I would even go so far as to say that if Stephon Davis DARES to show his face at Sunday Storm then me loyal manservant, Damien Knight, will eat a giant plate of me own, regal shite!
Knight: ….WHAT?!
Damien Knight is shocked by this stipulation, to say the very least. Cairns leans over and signs an official looking document.
Cairns: There! Signed! International law now dictates that if Stephon Davis shows face at Sunday Storm then Damien Knight - me loyal manservant - will be legally bound to eat me shite!
Knight: Oh… Oh no! Please! This is too much! PLEASE!!!
Bentley: Oh, for the love of God…
Cairns ignores the reactions of both Damien Knight (hysterical) and Weston Bentley (disgusted) and instead turns to face the camera.
Cairns: So you had better not show up at Sunday Storm, Stephon Davis, or else not only will I murder you and your entire family in a fit of justified rage, but an innocent servant will also have to orally consume me royal feces! I suggest you think about this very carefully, Stephon Davis!
Bentley: Well, it certainly doesn't seem like you have!
Cairns ignores Bentley and furiously fist-pumps his scepter into the air.
Cairns: SIR CHRIS CAIRNS! SIR CHRIS CAIRNS! SIR CHRIS CAIRNS! SIR CHRIS CAIRNS!
Fade to dirty half cast.
