Post by Sir Chris Cairns on Apr 29, 2015 10:59:04 GMT -6
Ground Zero Knickers
In Association With
GroundZero Piss Lips
Presents
Pissed Knickers Match
Pisser versus Alex Piss
SIR Chris Cairns Television Championship Match
SIR Chris Cairns versus "Hispanic Scum" Pissper Sanchez
Singles Match
Kolic versus Lady Munin
Champion versus Champion Match
Icon Lady Eva "Nemesis" Pisskari versus Icon Lady Leon Pissbin
**knickers subject to change**
In Association With
GroundZero Piss Lips
Presents
Pissed Knickers Match
Pisser versus Alex Piss
Both of these Globalstars were too boring to make it onto the roster for critically acclaimed video game 'Super Uncle SIR Chris Cairns Kart' and SIR Chris Cairns personally insisted that both men be banned from appearing in any future DLC! Who cares about this match? The Queen doesn't! Prince William doesn't! SIR Chris Cairns certainly doesn't care! And neither do any of you stupid peasants who are reading this scintillating gospel of truth and insight! Who is 'Pisser' anyway? I changed his name to 'Pisser' as a hilarious joke, but now I legitimately can't remember who he is. I suppose Alex Piss will win this match by default and piss his knickers in celebration while the audience still sheepishly file their way into the building, eager to see their national hero: SIR Chris Cairns! But don't worry, mates, because you won't have to wait long, because as soon as you've booed both Alex Piss and Pisser out of the building (and hopefully into early retirement... and hopefully into early graves), the next match will be...
SIR Chris Cairns Television Championship Match
SIR Chris Cairns versus "Hispanic Scum" Pissper Sanchez
Why is this match not the main event? Y'know, the UK General Election is reet around the corner and SIR Chris Cairns will be voting for UKIP because UKIP hate immigrants nearly as much as Cairnsy does! Anyway, OBVIOUSLY Pissper Sanchez is going to lose this match and be humiliated, murdered and deported all within the space of a few minutes. It's about bloody time SIR Chris Cairns won his first championship here in GZW2K1 after over a decade's worth of hard graft (something dirty fucking Hispanics would know nothing about... just like they don't know how to queue for buses). Anyway, where was I? ...Ah yes, Cairnsy wins! And remember, mates, if Stephon Davis DARES to interfere in this match then me loyal manservant, Damien Shite-Knight, will have to eat one of SIR Chris Cairns' regal shites live on international prime time television!
Singles Match
Kolic versus Lady Munin
Is Lady Munin Chinese or Asian? Oh, who cares? They all look the same anyway: docile and anorexic! Once again, it infuriates Cairnsy that this match has been placed above a SIR Chris Cairns match in the billing, especially seeing as we are in SIR Chris Cairns' home nation of the United Kingdom of England! I was speaking with me good chum Nigel Farage about this earlier today and he is equally as outraged with regards to this issue. Anyway, the winner of this match is anyone who cashed out on their Ground Zero Global shares before this match was booked and the stock market subsequently crashed. The loser of this match is anyone who actually watches it. Alas, who in the bloody hell is going to bother watching this pile of shite? I mean, by this point in the show Cairnsy's victory celebration will be long underway!
Champion versus Champion Match
Icon Lady Eva "Nemesis" Pisskari versus Icon Lady Leon Pissbin
Why does every single match tonight need to have a woman in it? Eva Pisskari, Munin, Pissper Sanchez and Alex Piss; it's equality gone mad! At least in his unquenchable lust for male-on-female brutality, cowardly Commissioner Nathaniel Davis had the good sense to book an All-English main event here tonight... in ENGLAND... where IMMIGRANTS are not TOLERATED! The fact that our main event tonight will include two English nationals competing is of at least some comfort to Cairnsy in this crazy world. Predictions? Readers of The Guardian newspaper will interfere and stage a mass protest demanding more ethnic diversity in GZW2K1's main events. Nathaniel Davis will use this as an excuse to further shove Stephon Davis down the throats of GZW2K1's fan base and have the smug little twerp, Stephon Davis, main event every single Heatwave and Aftermath pay-per-view for the next twenty years... just kidding, GZW2K1 will be lucky to make it past May... UNLESS Cairnsy wins the TV title, in which case I will do me regal best to save the GroundZero Globalverse from certain doom yet again!
**knickers subject to change**
