Post by Sir Chris Cairns on Jul 17, 2015 12:35:49 GMT -6
As noted by various online sources since last week, Sir Chris Cairns is coming to the end of his GZW2K1 contract. We can confirm that Cairns and GZW2K1 are yet to agree on terms for a new contract and it is understood that no official negotiations have taken place as of yet. We are unable to comment on rumours of Chris Cairns retiring from professional wrestling following Heatwave XII.
Despite briefly being under contract with GZW2K1 in 2002, it was not until December 2004 where Cairns made his official début on GZW2K1 television at the Aftermath2K4 pay-per-view.
Here is a video of Cairns' appearance at Aftermath2K4, where he debuted his legendary "The Chris Cairns Show" interview segment with special guest, legendary Icon Nathan "T-Rex" Williams:
Despite briefly being under contract with GZW2K1 in 2002, it was not until December 2004 where Cairns made his official début on GZW2K1 television at the Aftermath2K4 pay-per-view.
Here is a video of Cairns' appearance at Aftermath2K4, where he debuted his legendary "The Chris Cairns Show" interview segment with special guest, legendary Icon Nathan "T-Rex" Williams:
DECEMBER 31st 2004: AFTERMATH2K4
///Makeup///
We cut to the backstage area and we see a visibly nervous "Uncle" Chris Cairns sitting in the make-up room in front of a large mirror, with a mobile phone on each ear, conducting two separate conversations whilst the make-up lady struggles to apply his foundation. Creation Wrestling's Nationwide and Cracker Jack are in the background, playing chess.
Chris: Yes, Bane, I know you're in the next room... thanks for the tips, mate, but when did you become Mr Showbiz?... Eh? Yes, Mr Head Booker, I promise I won't let you down!... Yes, Bane, I know you can't wait to see me make me chat show hosting debut, but I really can't talk right now... I assure you, Mr Head Booker, I have done all me research on Nathan Williams and me questions will not be boring... No Bane, I can't have you as a guest on me show tonight... Yes Mr Head Booker, I promise you that the "Chris Cairns Show" will send the ratings through the roof!
Chris, sweating now, ends both calls and puts the two phones back in his pockets. He catches a glimpse of himself in the mirror and his eyes widen with sheer horror.
Chris: Oh, Christ almighty!!
Chris pushes the make-up lady away and stands. His fists tight and shaking, he looks at himself in the mirror...
Chris: What the hell have you done to my face, mate?! I look like a fuckin' tangerine!
Lady: I thought that orange foundation would go well with the pink lipstick I put on you. It'll look great under the arena lighting, don't worry!
Chris looks at his lips and frowns.
Chris: Oh NO! I look like a flippin' drag queen, you silly bitch!
The make-up lady begins to cry as Nationwide and Cracker Jack suppress their laughter. Chris looks at himself in the mirror and shakes his head in disgust. Bane bursts through the door with a massive grin on his face (a complete contrast to his mood earlier in the evening)...
Bane: Uncle Chris! They told me to tell... Oh my God, what's wrong with your face? Er... anyway... they told me to tell you that you're due to go out to the arena for your chat show debut now! The fans are waiting!
Chris: Oh no! And with a big orange face like this, too!
Bane laughs and closes the door.
///Advertisement///
"Welcome to GroundZero Wrestling 2K1... with its storied history... its colorful characters... its... very own dating game?
That's right, fans, win a date with a GZW2K1 superstar! We will be coming to a town near you searching for contestants. The eight finalists will live together in a house for two weeks and the winner will go on a date with a pre-determined "Mystery Superstar." Good luck to all!"
///The Chris Cairns Show///
Meanwhile, out in the arena, red, white and blue pyro shoots off into the air as "God Save the Queen" blares out of the arena speakers. The words "The Chris Cairns Show" are displayed on the ZeroTron along with the smiling face of Chris Cairns. A typically showbiz sounding voice booms out over the arena speakers...
Voice: Laaaaaadies and Gentlemen, could you all please welllllllcome.... CHRIS CAAAAAAAIRNS!!!
More red, white and blue pyro shoots off as a giant Union Jack flag rolls down from the ceiling, the bottom of it hovering just a few feet from the floor of the stage. Suddenly, the music changes to "Stuck In The Middle With You" by Stealers Wheel and the arena lights begin to change from red, to white and to blue with the beat. Ten scantily-clad ladies dance their way out on to either side of the stage and begin to play up to the male members of the audience.
Voice: HEEEEEEEEEEEEEERE HE IS!!!
Chris Cairns geekily dances his way out onto the entrance stage, the arena lighting showing off his bright orange face foundation in the worst way possible as the fans mercilessly chant "MONOBROW!" over and over again. Chris moonwalks his way down the ramp, almost twisting his ankle in the process, before he finally climbs into the ring. He nods and points to his fine, pinstriped suit as the crowd continue to jeer. The arena lights return to normal and we get a better look at the ring, which has been especially decorated. The mat is draped in a giant Union Jack rug. In the very centre of the ring sits a Union Jack sofa, which has fake barbedwire wrapped around it. A little cabinet sits to the side of the sofa and on it sits a vase of English roses and one of Bane's custom-made baseball bats, with a giant tag attached to it reading "FOR USE IN EMERGENCIES." Cairns grabs a microphone and looks around at the crowd indifferently, before sitting down on the sofa.
Chris: Good evening, foolish mortals! Tonight, you are in the prescence of a true showbiz icon... ME!
The crowd start up a chant of "MONOBROW!" as Cairns shakes his head in disgust.
Chris: Sticks and stones may break me bones, but names shall never harm me! And you know what fans? Before I bring on the star attraction that is Nathan Williams, I have a special Mystery Competition which I need to get through, oh aye!
Chris looks around to the fans, hoping for a reaction. Instead, they all sit in silence with blank faces.
Chris: Well, anyway, the prize is that the winner gets to go for a meal with everybodies favourite GZW Superstar... Bane! And all you gotta do, Bane-O-Fans, is answer this simple question...
Chris takes a piece of card from his jacket pocket and begins to read.
Chris: What is Bane's favourite film? Is it The Crow? Is it One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest? Or is it Mars Attacks? Send your answers in to bane.com for your chance to win a meal with the man himself next week! And oh yes, that very meal will be broadcast live on Crimson!!
The crowd jeer indifferently.
Chris: Oh, shut up, you difficult lot! Let's just get down to business, shall we? Please, ladies and gentlemen, welcome down to the ring now... me first ever guest... NATHAN WILLIAMS!!!
"God Save the Queen" once more blares out of the arena loudspeakers as Chris Cairns stands to attention, his hand in a salute. A bemused Nathan Williams appears on the entrance ramp, looking unhappy with the fact that his own music isn't being played. Meanwhile, in the ring, Cairns encourages all the fans to stand. Williams walks down the ramp and climbs into the ring, scowling at Chris Cairns as the British anthem cuts off. Chris sits back down on the sofa.
Chris: Welcome, Nathan! Come and have a seat!
Nathan does not sit. He simply stares a hole through Cairns, who shrugs and stands also.
Chris: Well, hello and welcome to me show, Nathan! How are you feeling? Hyped up for what is sure to be a mammoth night in Creation Wres... er, sorry, I mean... GroundZero Wrestling 2K1, and for CCW over all?
Nathan takes a few steps forward and absolutely towers over "Uncle" Chris. As he speaks, Nathan continually jabs his finger into Chris' chest...
Nathan: Chris, you know good and damn well that this is the GZW and not your stupid ass Creation Wrestling II, or whatever the hell you wanna call it.
Chris looks around at the crowd in shock as they all start up a chant of "GZW! GZW! GZW! GZW!" Chris shakes his head in disbelief as the chants fade and Nathan continues...
Nathan: And as for tonight, well I'm ready to handle my business inside this ring and outside just like I do every time I step into this arena.
Chris: And what do you make of your own match tonight? What's the chap's name... Kid X? He's in Syn-Zero along with my nephew, Bane! But, tell me Nathan, how do you think your match with Kid X will pan out?
Nathan: Putting me in a match against Kid X is a squash match, bottom line. The GZW is just trying to find some way to get this little diaper wearing snot over with the crowd. Well, putting him in the ring with me isn't the way to get over but it's a damn good way to get put outta commission!
Chris: You certainly plead a very threatening case, Nathan. But.... But.... BUT!!!.....how will you feel if you lose the match?
Nathan: Lose the match? Come on Chris, get your head out of your ass for half a second before asking me these questions. I come out here to help you out and I get questions like this? No wonder Creation Wrestling went bottoms up!
Chris again look around to the crowd in a state of bemusement as they once more start up a chant of "GZW! GZW! GZW! GZW!" Nathan Williams looks down on Chris, as the wannabe chat show host and wannabe rock star attempts to compose himself with deep breaths.
Chris: Okay. Let's speak more about the Heretics. On the latest Crimson they called you a "liability" and brutally assaulted you. I'm no brain, but I'm supposing you'll be a little peeved.
Nathan: No shit, Sherlock. I'm gonna show them what a "liability" is.
Chris: And is revenge on Tytan very much on the cards? What exactly do you have planned for him, and indeed, the rest of the Heretics?
Nathan: Revenge is always a factor when you cross me in the manner they did. I saw it coming a mile away but they made one mistake and that's that they didn't finish the job they started. But don't worry, I'll finish it myself.
Chris: I see. Soon we'll be going into the year 2005. What can we expect from you, Nathan? Any changes? Will you continue down the same road? Where do you think you'll be this time next year?
Nathan: A year from now, who knows where I'll be. Hell, I may be sitting right where you're at, hosting my own show. But as for what road I'll be headed down, lets just say a CCW Triple Crown looms off in the distance.
Chris: Oh, really? Well, good luck with that! But I gotta ask, Nathan, and I reckon this is the most important question of the evening... Do you think "The Chris Cairns Show" will still be around this time next year... or even in ten year's time?
Nathan laughs.
Nathan: Nah, this show will fail just like Creation Wrestling did. I mean, you come out here to Atlanta, GA and you dress the ring up with the Union Jack? This is the United States of America, chump. You'll be lucky if I don't rip this shit up and beat you with it before I leave.
Chris: Is that so? Well, I'd like to see you try, Yank!
Nathan advances towards Chris, but "Uncle" cowers...
Chris: Okay, okay! I'm sorry! Ha... Er... Anyway, Nathan, do you know any good jokes? Anything to put a smile on the sour faces of this horrid crowd...
Nathan: I don't tell jokes, Chris. Do I look like Magic?
Chris: Most certainly not. And finally, Nathan Williams, would you care to sum up your current mood in one single sentence? Oh, go on then, have as many sentences as you like...
Nathan: Pissed off.
An awkward silence.
Chris: Er... I said you could have as many sentences as you wanted, mate.
Nathan just scowels at Chris.
Chris: Oh. Okay, then. Well, thanks for your time, Nathan. Hopefully now we've done our bit to send the ratings through the roof!
Nathan offers a wry smile.
Nathan: You want ratings, Chris? Let me show you what gets BIG ratings around here.
To the delight of the crowd, Nathan shoves Chris Cairns backwards, causing "Uncle" to fall over the Union Jack sofa, tipping the sofa over with Chris Cairns on it. Chris Cairns rolls out of the ring with microphone in hand and protests on the outside as Nathan goes berserk. The big man picks the entire sofa up in his arms and, with great strength, throws it over the top rope and a quarter of the way up the entrance ramp!
Chris: Oi! That sofa cost me big money, mate!
Nathan ignores Cairns and kicks the cabinet, tipping it over and knocking the vase and baseball bat to the ground. Nathan takes the roses out of the vase and throws them into the crowd, one by one, with the slightest hint of a smile on his face as he enjoys this. He then smashes the vase off the floor as Cairns looks on in horror outside the ring.
Chris: Bane bought me that bloody vase, mate!
Nathan then picks up the baseball bat and begins to smash the cabinet to pieces before tossing the rubble out of the ring. Nathan then looks down to the Union Jack rug with a grin as Cairns gets up on the apron...
Chris: Don't fucking touch that rug, mate! Do you know how much it cost? A year of your salary, probably!
Nathan grabs Cairns by the neck, the microphone dropping as "Uncle" freezes with fear. Williams throws Chris into the ring and then, much to the delight of the crowd, Nathan proceeds to roll a terrified Cairns up in the Union Jack rug. Nathan picks the whole thing up and we can see only Chris' feet wriggling comically as he tries to escape. Nathan lifts the rolled-up rug high above his head and tosses it out of the ring, a loud thud as the body of Cairns hits off the concrete floor. The crowd goes crazy as a group of referees come down to aide "Uncle" Chris and free him from the rug. As "Uncle" is helped backstage by a group of referees, Nathan Williams paces the ring, looking out to the crowd as interns quickly begin clearing up the mess.
///Makeup///
We cut to the backstage area and we see a visibly nervous "Uncle" Chris Cairns sitting in the make-up room in front of a large mirror, with a mobile phone on each ear, conducting two separate conversations whilst the make-up lady struggles to apply his foundation. Creation Wrestling's Nationwide and Cracker Jack are in the background, playing chess.
Chris: Yes, Bane, I know you're in the next room... thanks for the tips, mate, but when did you become Mr Showbiz?... Eh? Yes, Mr Head Booker, I promise I won't let you down!... Yes, Bane, I know you can't wait to see me make me chat show hosting debut, but I really can't talk right now... I assure you, Mr Head Booker, I have done all me research on Nathan Williams and me questions will not be boring... No Bane, I can't have you as a guest on me show tonight... Yes Mr Head Booker, I promise you that the "Chris Cairns Show" will send the ratings through the roof!
Chris, sweating now, ends both calls and puts the two phones back in his pockets. He catches a glimpse of himself in the mirror and his eyes widen with sheer horror.
Chris: Oh, Christ almighty!!
Chris pushes the make-up lady away and stands. His fists tight and shaking, he looks at himself in the mirror...
Chris: What the hell have you done to my face, mate?! I look like a fuckin' tangerine!
Lady: I thought that orange foundation would go well with the pink lipstick I put on you. It'll look great under the arena lighting, don't worry!
Chris looks at his lips and frowns.
Chris: Oh NO! I look like a flippin' drag queen, you silly bitch!
The make-up lady begins to cry as Nationwide and Cracker Jack suppress their laughter. Chris looks at himself in the mirror and shakes his head in disgust. Bane bursts through the door with a massive grin on his face (a complete contrast to his mood earlier in the evening)...
Bane: Uncle Chris! They told me to tell... Oh my God, what's wrong with your face? Er... anyway... they told me to tell you that you're due to go out to the arena for your chat show debut now! The fans are waiting!
Chris: Oh no! And with a big orange face like this, too!
Bane laughs and closes the door.
///Advertisement///
"Welcome to GroundZero Wrestling 2K1... with its storied history... its colorful characters... its... very own dating game?
That's right, fans, win a date with a GZW2K1 superstar! We will be coming to a town near you searching for contestants. The eight finalists will live together in a house for two weeks and the winner will go on a date with a pre-determined "Mystery Superstar." Good luck to all!"
///The Chris Cairns Show///
Meanwhile, out in the arena, red, white and blue pyro shoots off into the air as "God Save the Queen" blares out of the arena speakers. The words "The Chris Cairns Show" are displayed on the ZeroTron along with the smiling face of Chris Cairns. A typically showbiz sounding voice booms out over the arena speakers...
Voice: Laaaaaadies and Gentlemen, could you all please welllllllcome.... CHRIS CAAAAAAAIRNS!!!
More red, white and blue pyro shoots off as a giant Union Jack flag rolls down from the ceiling, the bottom of it hovering just a few feet from the floor of the stage. Suddenly, the music changes to "Stuck In The Middle With You" by Stealers Wheel and the arena lights begin to change from red, to white and to blue with the beat. Ten scantily-clad ladies dance their way out on to either side of the stage and begin to play up to the male members of the audience.
Voice: HEEEEEEEEEEEEEERE HE IS!!!
Chris Cairns geekily dances his way out onto the entrance stage, the arena lighting showing off his bright orange face foundation in the worst way possible as the fans mercilessly chant "MONOBROW!" over and over again. Chris moonwalks his way down the ramp, almost twisting his ankle in the process, before he finally climbs into the ring. He nods and points to his fine, pinstriped suit as the crowd continue to jeer. The arena lights return to normal and we get a better look at the ring, which has been especially decorated. The mat is draped in a giant Union Jack rug. In the very centre of the ring sits a Union Jack sofa, which has fake barbedwire wrapped around it. A little cabinet sits to the side of the sofa and on it sits a vase of English roses and one of Bane's custom-made baseball bats, with a giant tag attached to it reading "FOR USE IN EMERGENCIES." Cairns grabs a microphone and looks around at the crowd indifferently, before sitting down on the sofa.
Chris: Good evening, foolish mortals! Tonight, you are in the prescence of a true showbiz icon... ME!
The crowd start up a chant of "MONOBROW!" as Cairns shakes his head in disgust.
Chris: Sticks and stones may break me bones, but names shall never harm me! And you know what fans? Before I bring on the star attraction that is Nathan Williams, I have a special Mystery Competition which I need to get through, oh aye!
Chris looks around to the fans, hoping for a reaction. Instead, they all sit in silence with blank faces.
Chris: Well, anyway, the prize is that the winner gets to go for a meal with everybodies favourite GZW Superstar... Bane! And all you gotta do, Bane-O-Fans, is answer this simple question...
Chris takes a piece of card from his jacket pocket and begins to read.
Chris: What is Bane's favourite film? Is it The Crow? Is it One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest? Or is it Mars Attacks? Send your answers in to bane.com for your chance to win a meal with the man himself next week! And oh yes, that very meal will be broadcast live on Crimson!!
The crowd jeer indifferently.
Chris: Oh, shut up, you difficult lot! Let's just get down to business, shall we? Please, ladies and gentlemen, welcome down to the ring now... me first ever guest... NATHAN WILLIAMS!!!
"God Save the Queen" once more blares out of the arena loudspeakers as Chris Cairns stands to attention, his hand in a salute. A bemused Nathan Williams appears on the entrance ramp, looking unhappy with the fact that his own music isn't being played. Meanwhile, in the ring, Cairns encourages all the fans to stand. Williams walks down the ramp and climbs into the ring, scowling at Chris Cairns as the British anthem cuts off. Chris sits back down on the sofa.
Chris: Welcome, Nathan! Come and have a seat!
Nathan does not sit. He simply stares a hole through Cairns, who shrugs and stands also.
Chris: Well, hello and welcome to me show, Nathan! How are you feeling? Hyped up for what is sure to be a mammoth night in Creation Wres... er, sorry, I mean... GroundZero Wrestling 2K1, and for CCW over all?
Nathan takes a few steps forward and absolutely towers over "Uncle" Chris. As he speaks, Nathan continually jabs his finger into Chris' chest...
Nathan: Chris, you know good and damn well that this is the GZW and not your stupid ass Creation Wrestling II, or whatever the hell you wanna call it.
Chris looks around at the crowd in shock as they all start up a chant of "GZW! GZW! GZW! GZW!" Chris shakes his head in disbelief as the chants fade and Nathan continues...
Nathan: And as for tonight, well I'm ready to handle my business inside this ring and outside just like I do every time I step into this arena.
Chris: And what do you make of your own match tonight? What's the chap's name... Kid X? He's in Syn-Zero along with my nephew, Bane! But, tell me Nathan, how do you think your match with Kid X will pan out?
Nathan: Putting me in a match against Kid X is a squash match, bottom line. The GZW is just trying to find some way to get this little diaper wearing snot over with the crowd. Well, putting him in the ring with me isn't the way to get over but it's a damn good way to get put outta commission!
Chris: You certainly plead a very threatening case, Nathan. But.... But.... BUT!!!.....how will you feel if you lose the match?
Nathan: Lose the match? Come on Chris, get your head out of your ass for half a second before asking me these questions. I come out here to help you out and I get questions like this? No wonder Creation Wrestling went bottoms up!
Chris again look around to the crowd in a state of bemusement as they once more start up a chant of "GZW! GZW! GZW! GZW!" Nathan Williams looks down on Chris, as the wannabe chat show host and wannabe rock star attempts to compose himself with deep breaths.
Chris: Okay. Let's speak more about the Heretics. On the latest Crimson they called you a "liability" and brutally assaulted you. I'm no brain, but I'm supposing you'll be a little peeved.
Nathan: No shit, Sherlock. I'm gonna show them what a "liability" is.
Chris: And is revenge on Tytan very much on the cards? What exactly do you have planned for him, and indeed, the rest of the Heretics?
Nathan: Revenge is always a factor when you cross me in the manner they did. I saw it coming a mile away but they made one mistake and that's that they didn't finish the job they started. But don't worry, I'll finish it myself.
Chris: I see. Soon we'll be going into the year 2005. What can we expect from you, Nathan? Any changes? Will you continue down the same road? Where do you think you'll be this time next year?
Nathan: A year from now, who knows where I'll be. Hell, I may be sitting right where you're at, hosting my own show. But as for what road I'll be headed down, lets just say a CCW Triple Crown looms off in the distance.
Chris: Oh, really? Well, good luck with that! But I gotta ask, Nathan, and I reckon this is the most important question of the evening... Do you think "The Chris Cairns Show" will still be around this time next year... or even in ten year's time?
Nathan laughs.
Nathan: Nah, this show will fail just like Creation Wrestling did. I mean, you come out here to Atlanta, GA and you dress the ring up with the Union Jack? This is the United States of America, chump. You'll be lucky if I don't rip this shit up and beat you with it before I leave.
Chris: Is that so? Well, I'd like to see you try, Yank!
Nathan advances towards Chris, but "Uncle" cowers...
Chris: Okay, okay! I'm sorry! Ha... Er... Anyway, Nathan, do you know any good jokes? Anything to put a smile on the sour faces of this horrid crowd...
Nathan: I don't tell jokes, Chris. Do I look like Magic?
Chris: Most certainly not. And finally, Nathan Williams, would you care to sum up your current mood in one single sentence? Oh, go on then, have as many sentences as you like...
Nathan: Pissed off.
An awkward silence.
Chris: Er... I said you could have as many sentences as you wanted, mate.
Nathan just scowels at Chris.
Chris: Oh. Okay, then. Well, thanks for your time, Nathan. Hopefully now we've done our bit to send the ratings through the roof!
Nathan offers a wry smile.
Nathan: You want ratings, Chris? Let me show you what gets BIG ratings around here.
To the delight of the crowd, Nathan shoves Chris Cairns backwards, causing "Uncle" to fall over the Union Jack sofa, tipping the sofa over with Chris Cairns on it. Chris Cairns rolls out of the ring with microphone in hand and protests on the outside as Nathan goes berserk. The big man picks the entire sofa up in his arms and, with great strength, throws it over the top rope and a quarter of the way up the entrance ramp!
Chris: Oi! That sofa cost me big money, mate!
Nathan ignores Cairns and kicks the cabinet, tipping it over and knocking the vase and baseball bat to the ground. Nathan takes the roses out of the vase and throws them into the crowd, one by one, with the slightest hint of a smile on his face as he enjoys this. He then smashes the vase off the floor as Cairns looks on in horror outside the ring.
Chris: Bane bought me that bloody vase, mate!
Nathan then picks up the baseball bat and begins to smash the cabinet to pieces before tossing the rubble out of the ring. Nathan then looks down to the Union Jack rug with a grin as Cairns gets up on the apron...
Chris: Don't fucking touch that rug, mate! Do you know how much it cost? A year of your salary, probably!
Nathan grabs Cairns by the neck, the microphone dropping as "Uncle" freezes with fear. Williams throws Chris into the ring and then, much to the delight of the crowd, Nathan proceeds to roll a terrified Cairns up in the Union Jack rug. Nathan picks the whole thing up and we can see only Chris' feet wriggling comically as he tries to escape. Nathan lifts the rolled-up rug high above his head and tosses it out of the ring, a loud thud as the body of Cairns hits off the concrete floor. The crowd goes crazy as a group of referees come down to aide "Uncle" Chris and free him from the rug. As "Uncle" is helped backstage by a group of referees, Nathan Williams paces the ring, looking out to the crowd as interns quickly begin clearing up the mess.
