Creation Wrestling II's Genesis: Regurgitated Best Bits
Jul 21, 2015 10:59:30 GMT -6
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Post by Sir Chris Cairns on Jul 21, 2015 10:59:30 GMT -6
With SIR Chris Cairns' future uncertain, and his Creation Wrestling II faction in turmoil, let's take a look back at some of Creation Wrestling II's 'finest' moments, which haven't really aged well (alas the show has been cancelled and will no longer be airing in its 2am slot every Tuesday), in this self-indulgent wank compilation while we wait for Heatwave XII:
 SIR Chris Cairns |  Bagpipey McHaggis |  John Wayne-Duane |  Bobby Wayne-Duane |
 Sargent Soldierdude |  Suzie Blue |  Necron the Grim Harvester |  Red X |
 Queenie McQueer |  Nigel Newborn |  Welshie Welsh |  Commissioner John Smith |
 Nationwide |  Billy the Brilliant |  Cracker Jack |  Nobunaga / "Lady Munin" |
 Cheery Bus Driver |  Moody Bus Driver |  The Invisible Man |  The Annoying Cyclist |
 Santa Claus |  William Black's Wife |  William Black's Son |  The Illegal Seagull |
(And some others...)
SHANE RYDER MERCHANDISE AUCTION FOR CHARITY
In the ring and Commissioner "The Black Rose" John Smith announces that we will be holding an auction whilst we wait for The Loch Ness Monster to appear. Smith says he will auction off some of his extensive collection of Shane Ryder merchandise, with all of the money raised going to charity in order to help the needy.
The first item up for auction is an autographed Shane Ryder poster. John Smith asks for bids. There are none. After an awkward few moments, it turns out that nobody wants to buy an autographed Shane Ryder poster.
The second item up for auction is a "once in a lifetime opportunity" to hang out with Shane Ryder for the day, and go have dinner with him at a lovely restaurant. Smith reminds us that all money raised from this auction shall go to charity in order to help the less fortunate. Smith asks for an opening bid. There isn't one. John Smith tries to blackmail the fans with the fact that all money raised will go to worthy causes. Still no bids. It turns out that nobody wants to hang out with Shane Ryder... even for the sake of charity!
The third item up for auction is a Shane Ryder-themed penis enlargement pump. It has his face on the box alongside some Japanese writing. John Smith asks if anybody wants to make a bid. One of the few fans in the audience tonight actually makes a bid of seven pounds, but "only because it's for charity." Smith asks if there are any advances. There are none. The Shane Ryder Penis Enlarger sells for seven pounds!
The auction 'winner' comes to the ring to receive his prize. He enquires as to what charity this auction is actually benefiting. John Smith responds that this auction was conceived in order to raise money for "The Shane Ryder Foundation" and now, with thanks to the seven pounds raised here tonight, Shane Ryder will have enough money to eat for at least another three days!
We get straight into the meaty stuff as Creation's authority figure, Commissioner "The Black Rose" John Smith, walks to the ring to no music and zero reaction from the fans or announcers. Smith takes the microphone and says that he has "had it up to here" with World Heavyweight Champion Cracker Jack, who kidnapped Sarah Summers on last week's show. Smith boringly demands that Cracker Jack return the girl safely or face being stripped of his World Heavyweight Championship. The announcers are wowed by this ultimatum.
Cracker Jack hurriedly comes out to the ring with Sarah Summers and says he is sorry for any inconvenience his actions have caused and asks that he may remain champion. Smith accepts the apology and everyone heads to the back, ending an extremely anticlimactic segment with no hook whatsoever for the rest of the show.
The first match of the evening sees The Cheery Bus Driver taking on the dastardly Santa Claus, who is being pushed as a monster heel. This is a marquee match which should have been saved for a pay-per-view! Anyway, Santa comes out on his sleigh and Cheery drives out to the ring in his big bus and the two combatants exchange suplexes and headlocks. This continues until The Moody Bus Driver drives out to the ring amidst vicious heel heat. Moody and Santa begin beating Cheery down as the referee throws this match out due to disqualification. Santa smashes the poor referee over the head with a Christmas pudding.
The horrible beat down of Cheery and the referee continues until William White comes galloping out to the ring on his white horse. White gets into the ring and Moody and Santa ready themselves to beat him up. However, White takes the microphone and diplomatically suggests that violence is not the answer and that everyone should just calm down and discuss this after the show with warm beverages and snacks. The dastardly heels agree, apologise profusely and bail from the ring, heading backstage with their heads bowed, looking thoroughly ashamed of themselves.
This week's scintillating episode of Genesis gets underway with a family-friendly video package which showcases various members of the Creation roster having terrific fun, crowded around a gaming console, playing a multiplayer session of upcoming smash hit, 'Super Uncle Sir Chris Cairns Kart,' which is remarkable considering the game only went into development two days ago. Sergeant Soldierdude, William White, Welshie Welsh and Billy The Brilliant all look like they're having a great time, this commercial actually reasonably well produced (and cunningly devoid of any actual in-game footage). Suddenly, Sir Chris Cairns enters the room and inexplicably cuts a bitter promo on Clancy McClean, saying that all of Clancy McClean's games, apps and other 'stupid widgets' will all be 'utter shite' and pale in comparison to 'Super Uncle Sir Chris Cairns Kart,' which Cairnsy guarantees will be the biggest selling Christmas gift this festive season! Cairns then goes on to make lewd remarks about Clancy McClean's mother (again).
Back to the top deck and we have miraculously, inexplicably found ourselves washed up on the shore of what Cairns insists is Clancy McClean's private island resort. The entire roster rush from off the ship and make their way onto the island, racing up towards Clancy's private villa. Much mayhem ensues as the Benny Hill theme plays over a montage of general stupidity. Of note, John Smith raids Clancy's medicine cabinet and finds it to be full of viagra and laxatives. Santa Claus snoops around in Clancy's bedroom closet and stumbles across what appears to be a blow-up sex doll resembling Cell Block. Citing sea sickness, pretty much everyone begins to puke and shit everywhere - in the toilet, in the garden, on the kitchen counters, in the swimming pool, on Clancy's pillows...
Finally, Chris Cairns comes across Clancy McClean's diary. Cairnsy begins to read passages from the diary, which include Clancy's innermost thoughts and most intimate urges. We quickly learn that McClean has actually had a crush on President Seth Richards for over ten years, often fantasising about what it would be like to touch President Richard's bottom. Also, we learn that Clancy is indeed the father of William Black, and secretly envies Chris Cairns' brilliant business acumen and even better HotWire Magazine columns. Finally, we learn that The Kraken is just one great big lie and that the former IGW World Heavyweight Champion doesn't actually exist. Cairns cites this as 'conclusive evidence' that he was right all along as the show just randomly ends there...
Back from commercial and we're back out at the go-kart circuit. The next race will be between popular babyface Welshie Welsh and monster heel Santa "T-Rex" Claus. Welshie is looking nervous on the starting line, primarily because he doesn't have a kart. Cairns explains that Welsh people can't afford vehicles, so the bell rings and the 'race' gets underway as Santa Claus - with no interest in actually winning - tries to run Welshie over in cold blood. Cairns is practically in tears, laughing hysterically at the sight of a barefoot Welshie Welsh being chased around the race circuit by Santa, before Santa eventually runs right over Welshie's body with his kart. Santa then gets out of the vehicle and hits Welshie with his 'Extinction' finisher before "I Am Number One" by Nelly plays. Cairns continues to disrespect the entire nation of Wales, coming to the conclusion that Clancy McClean must have Welsh heritage as this would explain why he is 'so fucking stupid.'
Back at trackside and Cairns is excitably promoting the upcoming release of 'Super Uncle Sir Chris Cairns Kart', which apparently will have Buckingham Palace as a race track. Cairns is interrupted by a panic stricken Commissioner John Smith. John pushes the fax into Cairnsy's chest and insists he read it. Cairns does so, jovially reading aloud, getting increasingly more shocked and enraged as he goes. Apparently, Mupert Rartin - lawyer to Clancy McClean - identified a legal loophole in which 'Lord' McClean is indeed the new Creation Wrestling Word Heavyweight Champion, having won the 2012 GZW2K1 Lord of the Coliseum tournament last week! The fax warns Cairns that he has approximately one week in which to formally acknowledge McClean as Creation World Heavyweight Champion, or else dire consequences shall be suffered. Cairns calls this 'bollocks,' laughing it off as silly nonsense and asking Commissioner John Smith where the title belt is at this exact moment in time. Smith nervously confesses that he handed it over to McClean three days ago, when McClean drove from San Francisco to Manchester in order to collect it. Cairns decks Smith, picking up his announcing desk and throwing it into a wall. Cairns screams at the top of his lungs that he is going to "fucking murder" McClean, getting into a go-kart and apparently setting out to drive all the way to San Francisco in order to reclaim his promotion's top title, running over Welshie Welsh as he exits the racing circuit, driving off into the sunset as the show ends on this very dramatic and exciting cliffhanger.
An enthralling sixty minute video package/gameplay trailer airs, hyping 'Super Uncle Sir Chris Cairns Kart' as the most sought after Christmas gift of the millennium. The "Greatest Video Game in Human History" will be available wherever video games are sold as of tonight!!
Authentic 'in-game footage' showcases Chris Cairns driving through the streets of Manchester in his Union Jack painted 1967 Ford Mustang, at one point running over a cardboard cut-out Clancy McClean just outside Old Trafford stadium. It should be noted that this is not in-game footage at all, despite claims to the contrary, and is in fact simply live action footage of Cairns speeding around Manchester at speeds of questionable legality.
We get brief cutaway interviews with various members of the roster, each hyping the game as a must-buy gift this Christmas season. Monster heel Santa Claus states that children all over the world have inundated him with requests for this masterpiece, claiming that he is struggling to keep up with demand. The Cheery Bus Driver insists that no game has ever caught the imagination of his passengers quite like this one has. Sergeant Soldierdude muses that 'Super Uncle Sir Chris Cairns Kart' is the perfect way to unwind after a hard day spent butchering the still-warm corpses of Iraqi children in the name of freedom.
Cairns also appears in various sit-down segments throughout the very long hype video. Cairns fails to promote the game in a productive manner, instead spending most of his time verbally deriding much-hated rival Clancy McClean. Cairns plainly states that McClean is a 'fat, cowardly political correctness' who repeatedly begged to be included as a playable character in Cairnsy's upcoming karting bonanza. Cairns mocks McClean's various failed attempts at being relevant and also makes lewd remarks about McClean's (quite possibly dead) mother.
No actual footage from the game surfaced at any point during the video.
Fireworks explode in the Manchester Evening News Arena and we cut to the announce table where Sir Chris Cairns is sitting alongside his new broadcast colleague, The Kitchen Sink. Cairns welcomes us to tonight's 'make or break' show before then turning to his broadcast colleague and asking the static plumbing fixture whether it thinks Clancy McClean will ever stop pissing his frilly, stupid cunt knickers. Cairns then turns on one of the sink's taps and listens intently, nodding in agreement to the sounds of running water for an uncomfortable ninety seconds.
Out in the ring and Sargent Soldierdude is cutting a promo about all the Iraqi children he skinned alive in the name of peace and freedom, before then insisting that his Government has declared that the 'village of Wales' is hiding weapons of mass destruction. Welshie Welsh, wearing a turban, then comes out to the ring, brandishing a leek as he protests his nation's innocence, speaking in a very politically incorrect and stereotypical Indian accent. Cairns insists that Welshie should "go back to where he fucking came from" and "learn to speak English properly." The bell rings and this match gets underway, Cairns taking every opportunity to badmouth Welsh people, insisting that Wales isn't even a real country, and that its only notable rock band has a lead singer who was recently convicted of being a paedophile. Sergeant Soldierdude wins via pinfall after smashing the butt of his rifle into Welshie's face. As Welshie is stretchered out of the arena, Cairns coldly refers to him as a "Dirty immigrant cunt."
A commercial for Super Uncle Sir Chris Cairns Kart airs. Apparently it was the 2012 Game of the Year and so now a whole host of downloadable content has been added to the game, including a 'Broken Sword' style point and click adventure story mode where the player is tasked with exposing Clancy McClean as a serial sex offender. Based on true events, the aim is to have Clancy posthumously convicted for his chilling crimes against some of society's most vulnerable individuals and the game does not seem to feature much (any) kart racing.
The non-capacity crowd sit quietly in their seats as this week's scintillating episode of Genesis gets underway from somewhere in Japan. Pyro erupts on the entrance stage, but the spectacle soon turns to disaster as the entrance curtain catches on fire, with the only exit blocked off behind the flames. The forty or so fans scream in panic as they run away and huddle on the far side of the gymnasium, hugging one another, weeping and praying for divine intervention. The distant sound of fire engine sirens are the last thing we hear as the cameraman coughs and splutters before falling over, the shot filling with smoke as the feed cuts abruptly.
A message appears on-screen apologising for any inconvenience caused by the "slight technical difficulties." As a worthy substitute, Chris Cairns' magnificent victory over Clancy McClean from Heatwave 10 plays in its entirety. This is followed by a commercial for the new iPhone game called "Burying Clancy McClean Alive." The game seems to be a blatant Tetris rip-off where a variety of blocks are used in order to 'bury' a crude 16-bit version of McClean as he runs around the bottom of the screen, pleading for mercy while pissing his pink, pixelated knickers.
Twenty minutes later and we are back live in the arena as the last of the fans are carried out by medics. Cairns, on commentary, insists that the crowd were "unable to take the heat" here tonight at "Heatwave 11." However, the CreationStars will continue on with the show because there is nothing they love more than "entertaining their beloved fans." This is said without even a hint of irony, despite the fact that no fans are left in the burnt-out building, having all been urgently rushed to the nearest medical facility. Cairns -- the current GZW2K1 W.C.E.K. Television Champion -- then explains that Creation Wrestling II takes no legal responsibility for any injuries and/or deaths suffered here tonight, as this show is 'No Holds Barred.'
A short video package airs, reminding us that SIR Chris Cairns is the current GZW2K1 W.C.E.K. Television Champion. "You're My Best Friend" by Queen plays as the video showcases various clips of Cairns polishing his title belt, holding his title belt aloft to the cheering masses, pushing his title belt on a playground swing, riding on a pair of jet skis in the ocean while his title belt drives the speedboat, and finally cuddling up in bed with his title belt while sleeping soundly. Chris Cairns is the reigning GZW2K1 W.C.E.K. Television Champion.
Coming Up Later: Lord Leon Corbin!
Icon Sergeant "Shane Lawrence" Soldierdude comes out to the ring with his automatic rifle swung over his shoulder, explaining that he has just returned from a 'vacation of bloodshed' in Syria. The fans give a standing ovation. Soldierdude then issues an open challenge to anyone in the back. Icon Cairns clobbers Icon Soldierdude from behind with the W.C.E.K. TV title and then pins him with ease. Cairns goes into a big rant about how it's not Britain's fault that Syria has chemical weapons and that America can go fuck itself. Soldierdude is stretchered out of the arena while selling unconsciousness as Cairns burns the American flag in the ring. Cairns then burns the Welsh flag as well for good measure.
Coming Up Next: Lord Leon Corbin!
Cairns takes to the ring and says that he can't wait to legitimately murder Vitamin Piss at the upcoming Honor Reclaimed broadcast, just like he legitimately murdered Clancy McClean - "or whatever his name was" - at Creation Wrestling II's very successful Heatwave 10 event just a few months ago. Cairns then says that tonight's show has come to its satisfying conclusion, before then wishing the crowd a safe journey home. The crowd become very restless, with many loudly questioning the supposed special guest appearance from Lord Leon Corbin which was heavily advertised for tonight. Cairns claims that Leon couldn't make it to tonight's show as he took too long deciding which dress to wear. The crowd of loyal Japanese Leon fans begin to riot and start wrecking the arena, throwing chairs and tearing down the ring ropes. Cairns makes a beeline for his Union Jack painted convertible and jumps into the passenger seat, escaping as the vehicle speeds off. The W.C.E.K. Television title belt is revealed as the getaway driver, turning the steering wheel with its leather, strappy arms.
A commercial airs for extremely attractive CreationStar Suzie Blue's new country and western album, suitably entitled 'Feeling Blue & Suziecidal.' The album features such heart wrenching acoustic tracks as 'I'm So Fat & Ugly,' 'I Hate Myself But The Mirror Hates Me More,' 'It Always Rains When You're Suzie Blue' and the smash-hit single, "Rest in Pissed Fucking Knickers, Clancy McClean" featuring SIR Chris Cairns, who raps lyrics such as "Don't be fooled by the crown that I got, I'm still, I'm still Cairnsy from the block" etc.
Up next is a very intriguing debut match which Cairns promises will showcase two terrific new additions to the roster, slugging it out in the ultimate battle between David and Goliath. Indeed, David comes out to the ring first, followed by the much larger Goliath. They have a decidedly average match while Cairns obnoxiously chants "BORING! BORING!" over and over again on commentary, before David wins via Small Package. David's celebration is cut short however as Cairns immediately fires both David and Goliath, citing a lackluster crowd response to either man (the crowd were ejected from the arena at the top of the show, but this doesn't seem to occur to Cairns).
The Welsh national anthem, "You Can Leave Your Hat On" by Tom Jones, plays while Welshie Welsh tearfully makes his way down to the ring. Sobbing, a distraught Welshie informs the Manchester crowd that his entire family died last night after a helicopter crashed into their house. Welshie laments that he struggled his way through an abusive childhood and extreme poverty, finally finding happiness in order for it all just to be cruelly snatched away from him. Welshie says having to identify the dismembered body parts of his newborn baby was the hardest thing he has ever had to do. "I was so looking forward to treating you to your first Christmas, my little angel," Welshie sobs as he looks up to the heavens, tears streaming down his face. Welshie falls to his knees and openly begins to weep in the centre of the ring as the Manchester crowd look on in stunned, awkward silence.
"YMCA" by the Village People suddenly hits the loudspeakers and "Diva Dangerous" Queenie McQueer twerks his way out to the ring in pink PVC, fishnets and fake tan. With Welshie Welsh still sobbing on the canvas, Queenie takes the microphone and lisps that he has an announcement to make. Queenie says his life has been tough and he hopes everyone can support him here tonight as he is very nervous to be making such a huge announcement. Queenie then declares that he is coming out of the closet, revealing to a stunned capacity crowd that he is in fact gay... sort of... but more-so bisexual! The entire locker room marches down to the ring to show their solidarity and offer Queenie their support. The roster tearfully take turns hugging Queenie while telling him how much of a brave and inspirational role model he is. Everyone ignores Welshie Welsh, who is still weeping on the canvas in the fetal position while clutching a photograph of his dead baby. Queenie is given a standing ovation and hoisted into the air for a lap of honor by his colleagues. Chris Cairns then hits the ring and smashes Welshie Welsh over the head with a steel chair. Cairns tosses Welshie Welsh from the ring and scolds him for his selfishness in raining on Queenie's gay parade. "It isn't always about you, you insensitive prick," Cairns screams towards Welshie. Cairns then unbuttons his jeans and pisses on the photograph of Welshie's dead baby, before announcing that the Cardiff native will be suspended for one week without pay. "Good luck paying for your decapitated baby son's funeral without any wages, you fucking homophobe," Cairns growls as the crowd chant "WE'RE GLAD YOUR BABY'S DEAD!" towards an understandably distraught and extremely shell-shocked Welshie Welsh.
Back out to ringside and it's time now for our first contest of the night which is apparently going to be a Casket Match. Necron the Grim Harvester cuts a promo about how he is going to send his opponent straight to hell via the ringside casket and gain great and sadistic pleasure from watching his victim burn in hell fire for all eternity. Clearly very confident, Necron then lets out a foreboding and very demonic laugh. Out comes his opponent, the petite Suzie Blue, who is actually competing in her first ever match here tonight after years of moping around in the backstage area, complaining about how ugly and fat she is while eating cake and chocolate bars on a near-constant basis. The skinny, beautiful supermodel makes her way to the ring and looks to be in a very foul mood here, blaming her hormones on her crankiness tonight as she foams at the mouth like a rabid dog, declaring that it is "that time of the month again," causing Necron to back down in fear. The match gets underway with Suzie screaming "YOU'RE JUST LIKE ALL THE OTHER MEN!" while wildly swinging her handbag at Necron, who cowers in the corner. Suzie continues to smash her handbag down over the head of Necron again and again in a furious fit of hormones, screaming in pent-up female angst as Necron bleeds from the head. Suzie then jabs her stiletto heel into Necron's eye, causing the Grim Harvester to scream out in agony as he begs for mercy. Cairns ignores the action entirely and instead goes off on a big rant about what a terrible human being Mickey Tourette is. Anyway, the in-ring contest concludes when Suzie picks Necron up and delivers an Airplane Spin, spinning the veteran deadman all the way into the ringside casket. The lid slams shuts and Suzie burns her bra in celebration while letting out a primal female scream with Necron's blood splattered all over her body. Cairns ruins the dramatic impact by reeling off countless sexist and very dated jokes on commentary.
The fourth (fifth?) and final signing is revealed as former GZW2K1 oriental sensation Nobunaga, but Cairns mistakenly refers to her as 'Lady Munin.' Nobunaga looks generally quite confused to be here, taking the microphone and timidly asking where the immigration office is, what country she's in, and when she can have a hot meal. Cairns tells 'Lady Munin' to shut the fuck up, before verbally belittling her with various taboo racial slurs while narrowing his eyes with his fingers in an extremely offensive gesture which could actually get Creation Wrestling II removed from the air. Cairns then takes a pair of chopsticks from out his pocket and throws them at Nobunaga, asking her if she can cook him some "Ching Chong Sushi" before telling her that he spits on Japanese culture, before then spitting right in Nobunaga's face. Harsh stuff here. Cairns then books Sergeant Soldierdude versus 'Lady Munin' for the next PPV in a battle between Western Democracy and North Korean Communism. Big pop for Soldierdude, who comes out and cuts a babyface promo about how he will avenge all his brothers who fell in Viet Nam by nuking this Chinese bitch all the way back to Hiroshima. "USA! USA!" chant the Atlanta crowd as Nobunaga cries, hiding her sobbing face behind trembling hands as Cairns puts a lampshade on her head.
Our first match tonight will be a special attraction mixed-martial arts bout pitting seasoned MMA athletes Jon Cross and Alex Kellar against one another. "Apparently," begins Cairns, "Jon Cross and Alex Kellar are going to show us what real combat sport is all about!" The match starts and the two men swoop right in. Cross takes Kellar to the floor with a takedown and the two men lie down on the floor for a few minutes, squirming around and with their legs wrapped around one another. "It looks a bit like they're having sex," Cairns comments. Kellar applies a rear-naked chokehold and thrusts wildly, Cross panting for breath on all fours as he pushes back as hard as he can. "I'm not sure I like this MMA thing," exclaims Cairns, sounding genuinely disturbed as Icon Jon and Icon Kellar begin to sixty-nine one another. The show promptly cuts to commercial break.
A commercial airs for a new iPhone game hitting the App Store this week called "Flush Stephon Davis' Stupid Head Down the Toilet." The point-and-click adventure game seems to consist entirely of tapping on Stephon's head and dragging it to a public toilet, before then clicking on the flusher over and over again. Each level increases in difficulty, and soon enough you have to deal with additional obstacles, such as wet and slippery restroom floors, out-of-order toilets, and Nathaniel Davis continually booking you in jobber matches despite the fact you're the most over heel on the roster.
We return to a pre-taped backstage segment which was obviously filmed before the backstage area was taken away by debt collectors. In the segment, dull veteran Nationwide is cutting a dull promo about how people 'nationwide' are cheering him on in his quest to become World Champion. Nationwide says there will be a 'nationwide' celebration when he finally wins the top strap. Nationwide insists that he will take on all challengers and defend the belt 'nationwide.' Nationwide claims that the screams of his opponents will be heard... 'nationwide.' This segment is going nowhere.
Time for our next match and Queenie McQueer twerks his way out to the ring, getting ready to face his debuting opponent, The Biscuit. The Biscuit - a giant custard cream - swaggers down to the ring to loud heavy metal music, flipping off fans and cussing. Nicknamed "The Risky Bisky", Steve Biscuit makes short work of Queenie McQueer, hitting the Custard Cream Stunner, before dunking McQueer's head into a giant cup of tea which has miraculously appeared at ringside. "NOW YOU KNOW HOW IT FEELS," screams The Biscuit in a typically angst-ridden biscuit howl, very nearly drowning McQueer. But just when it looks like all is lost, Queenie manages to twerk his way out of this predicament, before QueerPlexing The Biscuit over the top rope, The Biscuit falling into the giant cup of tea. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO," screams The Biscuit in a sound sample ripped straight from Darth Vader in Star Wars. The Biscuit slowly dissolves into the giant cup of tea, presumably dissolving to death. "He probably lasted longer than either Dante Mephisto or Renan Carvelo ever will," Cairns chimes.
Backstage and Nationwide is still cutting his bland promo. He says that wrestlers will come from 'nationwide' to try and challenge for his title. He claims that newspapers and media outlets 'nationwide' will carry news of his victories and accomplishments. He insists that venues 'nationwide' will sell-out instantly as fans flock to see him in action.
Back to ringside and the next match of the evening is going to pit the Illegal Seagull against William Black's Son. The match is fairly decent, with lots of trademark seagull offence, but commentator Cairns is distracted as the debt collection agency have arrived on the scene, towing away Cairns' Vauxhall Belmont. Cairns, laughing nervously, proclaims that he is NOT in severe financial difficulty. The match ends with Seagull being pinned following an impactful William Black's Son Bomb. Cairns hypes the rest of tonight's card while two bailiffs remove his commentary table.
Backstage and Nationwide still hasn't finished cutting his promo. He threatens to inflict pain and carnage 'nationwide'. He insists that his foes will quiver in fear 'nationwide'. He promises that the tremors from his destruction will be felt 'nationwide'. Nationwide then finally concludes his promo, a satisfied smirk crossing his lips as he feels he has finally mastered his gimmick, mic skills and might finally get over for the first time in sixteen years. All ready for a fresh start and anticipating the many exciting challenges ahead, Nationwide strides out to the ring, only for Cairns to tell him that he has been fired. Aghast, Nationwide screeches: "But I just took out a mortgage with my building society... 'Nationwide!'"
As England is crawling with debt collectors who're baying for Cairns' blood, this week's scintillating edition of Genesis is instead taking place in the rural Welsh farming village of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwll-llantysiliogogogoch. The outdoor wrestling ring is set up on the grassy village outskirts, with the crowd made up of a handful of confused locals who are vastly outnumbered by their docile, grazing sheep. Suddenly, the theme music for hit HBO drama series Boardwalk Empire plays and the words "PLEASE WELCOME THE 2005 ROUGHKUT INVITIONAL TOURNAMENT WINNER" blare out over the loudspeakers as SIR Chris Cairns descends from actual heaven in a spectacular display of theatrics, the clouds literally parting as Cairns slowly lowers from 150,000 feet in the air before landing neatly in his ringside chair one hour and forty-five minutes later. Cairns then randomly states that there are refreshments available for the audience, including tea and biscuits, and if anyone needs to go to the toilet then there is a giant pile of Clancy McClean's "Just Business" magazine column prints for them to wipe their bottoms with. Cairns then dramatically announces that he has obtained a top-secret and previously unseen Clancy McClean sex tape which will receive its exclusive premiere later tonight. Stay tuned!
It's now time for tonight's main event between legitimate babyface Nigel Newborn and hometown hero Welshie Welsh with the vacant Creation Wrestling II World Heavyweight Championship on the line. "Nigel just had his nappy changed," states Cairns with legit sports broadcaster intensity, before continuing, "And he's been breastfeeding all afternoon in preparation for this career-defining match!" With Newborn already in the ring (asleep, in his pram), "You Can Leave Your Hat On" by Tom Jones plays for the second time this evening, the Welsh fans standing once more in recognition of their national anthem as Welshie Welsh storms down to the ring, screaming "I have to do this!" and "This is the biggest moment of my life!" The match gets underway and Welshie gently cradles Newborn from out of his pram and sets the sleeping infant down on the canvas, taking great care not to hurt or awaken the young rookie. Welshie is about to pin the sleepy infant when SIR Chris Cairns suddenly hits the ring and smashes Welshie Welsh over the head with a stainless steel chair, causing uproar and outrage throughout the crowd. Cairns then quickly pins Welshie Welsh while Nigel Newborn makes the quick three-count, Chris Cairns winning the vacant World Heavyweight Championship in a shocking swerve! Confusion and chaos reign supreme at ringside as officials and roster members spill out from the back and try to restrain the fuming Weshie Welsh and his dozens of fans. A full-scale riot breaks out with disillusioned sheep stampeding everywhere and the online dirtsheets are already referring to this controversial and unscripted incident as "The Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwll-llantysiliogogogoch Screwjob". Cairns escapes the rioting masses by once more ascending 150,000 feet into the air and back to actual heaven as tonight's show comes to a satisfying conclusion with all loose ends tied-up.
Still to come: Clancy McClean sex tape!
Backstage and eternally bland midcard veteran Nationwide has now decided that he wants to try and crack the tag team division and so he is now holding auditions for a tag team partner to come and join him on his quest. Among the auditionees waiting in line are Tiny Biggs, who is the world's tallest midget wrestler, standing at seven feet tall; we also have "The Risky Bisky" Steve Biscuit, who is the world's only wrestling biscuit and who also pioneered the Custard Cream Stunner; Chris Cairns (?), who is the owner of Creation Wrestling II and the reigning World Heavyweight Champion; Nationwide (??), who is apparently auditioning to be his own tag team partner here tonight; and, finally, a commercial break. Everyone agrees that a commercial break is definitely the best course of action right now as Nationwide bows his head dejectedly.
A commercial for Super Uncle SIR Chris Cairns Kart airs. Apparently, new downloadable content has been released for the game, including a race track called "Donut Plains" which takes place on the surface of Jon Kellar's head.
Next, we head back out to ringside. Trying to jump on the bandwagon of offering cutting-edge social commentary, SIR Chris Cairns enters the ring and begins to cut a promo on Muslims. Cairns seems to have gotten completely the wrong end of the stick, saying that Muslims have absolutely no right to ban pizza in the United Kingdom, and that they should 'go back to where they fucking came from' if they are offended by pizza. "Go back to your fucking sand huts," Cairns screams, garnering cheers from his audience. "Go and suicide bomb a fucking school bus in Iraq, you primitive fucking sand apes," he screams, in a legitimate shoot promo as the fans rise to a standing ovation while Cairns takes off his Manchester United shirt to reveal an 'English Defence League' t-shirt underneath. Just then, brand new Creation Wrestling II signing and legitimate Muslim God, Allah, comes down to ringside to confront Cairns. Fans jeer the upstart newcomer as Allah warns Cairns not to disrespect Muslims or else a 'Holy War' will be waged against Creation Wrestling II. Just then, proud American patriot Sergeant "Shane Ryder" Soldierdude hits the ring and attacks Allah from behind. Cairns and Soldierdude unite, the Brit and American both stomping the living Jihad out of Allah as the fans cheer wildly. Cairns then takes a packet of sliced ham from out of his pocket and force-feeds it to Allah as Soldierdude smashes the butt of his rifle into Allah's kneecaps, concluding an extremely uncomfortable segment.
