The Absolute Worst of Insane Gods of Wrestling

[Sir Chris Cairns]

While we wait patiently for Heatwave XII, which is definitely going live on July 19th and not a day later, SIR Chris Cairns has prepared this compilation of clips showcasing the absolute worst of Clancy McClean's pitiful wrestling promotion known to us all as Insane Gods of Wrestling. The following clips are offensive, poorly executed and not at all entertaining. Clancy McClean is the reigning and defending GZW2K1 Pedophile Heavyweight Champion of the World. Clancy McClean is also dead and has been dead ever since SIR Chris Cairns killed him in Heatwave X's main event. 

Everything below written by Charlie.

Clancy leaves his post at the announce table and cuts a lengthy promo in the ring, about nothing in particular. His tone is quite bitter and petty throughout, as he badmouths Chris Cairns a little. All of a sudden Monobrow McEyebrow III storms the ring and gets in Clancy’s face. McClean announces that an impromptu match will now take place. The bell sounds and the two go at it. Bizarrely, McClean also provides a voiceover commentary for the match. McEyebrow III gets a steel chair and hits Clancy with it a number of times. He goes for the pin but Clancy kicks out. McEyebrow III repeats the process and again Clancy kicks out. Commentator McClean stresses that Clancy McClean is the toughest wrestler he’s ever seen. McClean hits a sloppy clothesline which McEyebrow sells hugely – so much so that his trunks fall down to reveal a pair of lacy red panties. McClean makes the pin to pick up the win. Even more bizarrely, McClean announces that the impromptu match was actually for Lieutenant Armyman’s IGW Heavyweight title, and as a result Clancy is now the new champion, beginning his fifteenth reign with the belt.

William Black is queuing up in the cafeteria. Clancy points out, for no particular reason, that Black has to pay for all his own food whilst the rest of the roster gets theirs for free. Black looks just a little uneasy, knowing that a backstage sneak attack could come at any time, without warning or indeed his permission. The line slowly gets shorter and eventually Black reaches the top. He asks the surly lunch lady for a nice piece of fish. Keeping one eye over his shoulder, he pays for his food and sits by himself.

William Black is in the locker room lacing up his boots. He looks shifty and nervous and the area is strangely deserted. Surprisingly it remains so; he finishes lacing his boots and leaves without incident.

Yet again we find William Black backstage, this time watching the in-ring action from a monitor. Nobody attacks him.

William Black is shown approaching his car in the parking lot but gets knocked down by a big bus containing the entire IGW roster. 

A replay of William Black being hit by a big bus carrying the entire IGW roster is shown. Clancy explains that Black will be held liable for the damage to the paintwork on the front of the massive vehicle. A number of the roster members on the bus at the time – including Black’s wife and son – will also be suing the ever unpopular Black for punitive damages caused by the collision. We cut to a hospital somewhere, where William Black is holed up in a bed, bandaged from head to toe. Armed guards surround his bed, all too aware of the risk of unexpected sneak attacks without Black’s permission. Black breathes through a tube and is totally helpless. One guard suspects that a sneak attack is coming, so motions for his team to investigate. At once, the six-man team leave their post in order to look for the possible intruder. A moment passes before the six men return – now wearing fake noses and moustaches – and proceed to severely beat Black with the butts of their pistols. His bandages are bruised and bloody and he doesn’t even have the energy to cry out.

Backstage, Monobrow McEyebrow III is cleaning out the toilets. Mop, bucket, hairnet, hairnet over his monobrow – he looks the part. He seems to be having difficulty unclogging one toilet and so has a rummage around in his equipment. He retrieves the Chris Cairns Creation Trophy (won by Jon Kellar in 2005) and begins to plunge away at the wet mass of toilet paper and who knows what else. The scene lasts for a good five minutes and eventually he manages to unclog the toilet. He throws away the useless, soiled trophy and goes on his fifteen minute break.

We cut backstage to find a battered and bruised William Black being bandaged up by EMT’s. The senior medical official gives Black the all clear, and Black motions to leave. Without warning or explanation, the senior medical official begins to choke Black with his stethoscope. More medics arrive on scene and join in beating up and choking Black. A backstage assistant joins the fray and throws a steaming hot jar of coffee over Black.

Lieutenant Armyman arrives backstage and gets a huge pop. He bumps into William Black, who looks extremely dishevelled: Hair out of place, sweating profusely and wearing his shirt on backwards. Armyman as locker room leader asks Black what’s wrong. Black explains that he has absolutely had it with the constant sneak attacks and that tonight’s scheduled segment with his on-air “wife and son” is the last straw. He asks Armyman if he has a gun he can borrow, as he feels he needs it for protection. Why this is being shown exactly isn’t clear, as it doesn’t seem to be a work. Armyman gives Black a pat on the back and says he’ll take him to IGW’s resident psychotherapist who can help him work on his issues.

Backstage once more, we’re inside the office of IGW’s resident psychotherapist, Dr. Billy Dowling-Road. The scene is fuzzy, but we can see that William Black is lying on the doctor’s couch. As the shot becomes clearer we see that Black is in fact tied down to the couch with dirty, rusty chains. The doctor comes into the shot and covers Black’s face with a soiled cloth. Lieutenant Armyman – the company’s top face – then appears with a big bucket of ice cold water and begins to pour it over Black’s face. Black cries out in terror and helplessly flails about. Clancy explains for the viewers at home that Armyman and Dowling-Road are waterboarding Black, and is quick to clarify that waterboarding is a legitimate therapeutic practice and not in fact a form of torture. Armyman and the psychotherapist high-five each other and giggle as Black experiences the sensation of drowning on live television.

When we come back to ringside, the entire arena has been flooded in a few feet of water, nearly as high as the ring apron. The crowd are drenched and half submerged in murky water. Clancy explains that while the Black/Armyman segment was taking place, mythical sea monster The Kraken had his debut match. Unfortunately as all of the cameras were focused on the simultaneous backstage interchange between Armyman and Black, the only evidence of The Kraken having been here at all is the leftover seawater. According to Clancy, the 6,000 pound leviathan took on the formidable, two-dimensional team of Reverse Cowboy and Pink Queen in a handicap match and won. Citing that Creation Wrestling II could only manage to muster up a fish after having promised a sight of The Kraken, Clancy says that IGW really is the superior product. He reminds us also that Chris Cairns failed to make it past the first round of the 2005 Lord of the Coliseum tournament whilst Eddie Fever did.

Monobrow McEyebrow III comes out to the ring and claims he has very important footage for the world to see. What follows is a grainy home movie of a small, monobrowed baby running around naked, wearing his mother’s pearls and so on. Clancy McClean claims that this is footage of Chris Cairns taken by an IGW candid camera during Cairns’ knighthood ceremony at Buckingham Palace. In all likelihood the child in the video is Monobrow McEyebrow himself and not Cairns at all. Clancy then tells us that the heritage site is closing now and as such the home movie was our Pay-Per-View main event. Some boos ring out as the rain really starts to hammer down and the buses arrive to pick up the tourists and fans.

This event comes to us live from outside Sir Chris Cairns’ house. No expense has been spared setting up a garish makeshift arena on the pavement just outside Cairns’ private residence. The road is blocked completely for half a mile in every direction and loud dubstep music is constantly blaring, seemingly not related to the show itself and with the speakers pointed specifically at Cairns’ house. The crowd consists of a fairly nasty element of hooligans and altogether antisocial-looking young men. Clancy tells us that many of them are ex-convicts and he has bussed them in especially from the inner city. After the show he has arranged for a shanty town to be set up and the dangerous crowd will then stay in the area for a few weeks. Clancy McClean and Tech Nishin’ are on commentary, though it is Nishin’ that introduces the show as McClean is busy throwing rotten eggs at Cairns’ house whilst laughing to the point of dribbling on himself.

Backstage, The Abominable Snowman is lacing up his Abominable Snowboots in preparation for his upcoming title match. Suddenly a similar looking ape-like figure bursts into the dressing room (which is actually a portaloo set up just at the boundary of Cairns’ property, with piping leading away from the toilet and over Cairns’ wall into his garden). The newcomer, identical to the Snowman though with brown fur, introduces himself to the camera (while ignoring the Snowman) as Bigfoot. He says that he is here to help his cousin capture the tag team titles. The Snowman cuts him off, points out that he is already the Heavyweight champion and doesn’t care about the stupid tag team titles. Bigfoot, disappointed, departs the scene.

We cut backstage where Clancy McClean stands by a large door. He claims that on the other side, a number of Creation Wrestling II stars, including Cracker Jack and Spike Summers, are desperately trying to get in and become a part of IGW. McClean laughs off the suggestion and points out that Chris Cairns is the only promoter around so desperate for talent that he needs to steal from other promotions, citing the recent news of Jay Jameson’s imminent Creation debut as a prime example of Cairnsy’s pathetic recycling of established, though has-been GZW2K1 stars. Pitfighter, Jai-Ray, Cell Block and William Black all arrive on the scene and tell Clancy how great he is, that he’s right and stress that IGW is all about original, home-grown talent.

Book Nerd, now one of the company’s top babyfaces, comes to the ring and begins to cut a promo damning his bullying behaviour in the past, when all of a sudden the audience begin pelting him with rotten fruit and barbed insults about his sexuality and appearance. Clancy laughs and joins in and we go to a commercial break.

We’re back at ringside and Clancy McClean is picking dog shit out of his shoe with his Creation Wrestling II World Heavyweight Championship. Feeling as though he’s about to sneeze, he quickly produces Chris Cairns’ knighthood from his pocket and wipes his nose with it. He then claims responsibility for the assault on once GZW2K1 World Heavyweight Champion Raze. Tech Nishin’ calls bullshit, citing the fact that said assault occurred in Japan. Tech Nishin’ is promptly fired - for at least the second time in recent IGW memory – and is replaced by IGW Heavyweight Champion John Baby, who Clancy claims has held that title for the last two months. The dribbling baby, who hasn’t aged a day since his debut nearly two years ago, verifies Clancy’s likely story.

We’re back and it’s time for our main event. Despite already wrestling seven matches tonight (and providing commentary for eight) IGW Lord of the Coliseum John Baby will put his title on the line against Lieutenant Armyman. Clancy wants to point out just how tough a son of a bitch John Baby actually is. For some reason, he specifies that the “bitch” he refers to is John Baby’s mother. A number of real explosions take place within (and indeed without, far away from) the arena as “We’re In This Together Now [Armyman’s Theme]” by Combichrist plays. Armed to the teeth with grenades, Armyman cartwheels down the ramp, from time to time removing the pin from his grenades. Clancy remarks that Armyman only wears face (and body) paint because he’s uglier in real life than John Baby. The Ronettes’ “Be My Baby [Monarch Mix]” hits next and John “Lone Gunman” Baby is walked to the ring in a solid gold pram by a man dressed up as a wrestling title belt. He slides the little baby – who Clancy claims has good business acumen and a fine head of hair – into the ring. The foremost Native American referee in professional wrestling, Willy Owl-In-Reed calls for the bell and we’re off.

The match is as back-and-forth as a match involving a grown man painted in all-green and a young baby in a pram can be. Armyman tries his best but is ultimately outclassed. John Baby carries the challenger throughout, except during a number of spots in which Armyman literally carries the little baby in an attempt to rock it silently to sleep. Clancy McClean calls Armyman a “cheating bastard” and says that if he doesn’t clean up his act, he’ll be disqualified. Armyman seems to overhear this, and takes serious offence. Things get ugly. Armyman – who has at least a 250lb weight advantage over the newborn baby – gets angry and begins to thump the much, much younger man with a series of hard, green right hands. The crowd make uncomfortable “whooooo” sounds as the grown man pummels the actual toddler, until...

...CLANCY McCLEAN YELLS “GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY SON!!!!”, DUMPS HIS HEADSET AND HITS THE RING!!!” Clancy enters the ring and hits John Baby with the Clancyline From Hell and proceeds to hug Lieutenant Armyman. Immediately realising his mistake, he shakes away from the toy soldier, whips off his shirt to reveal a “Fallout: Heatwave 4” t-shirt, prominently featuring both Leon and James Corbin. He then picks up the Clancylined baby, hugs him and holds him up for the world to see, as if he were a title belt. Clancy declares John Baby as both his son and the IGW Heavyweight Champion.

We’re back to live action, and grizzled veteran Pitfighter is in action. A haze of real cannabis smoke wafts into the arena in time to his specially commissioned theme song, “Straight Edge” by Minor Threat. His opponent tonight is unseasoned legal minor Ace the Face, who gingerly walks to the ring snacking on the packed lunch his parents gave him, while his signature theme “Dopesmoker” by Sleep knocks the stuffing out of those unlucky enough to be sitting near the speakers. The match begins with a massive collar-and-elbow tie-up. The two bitter foes seem to whisper something to each other. Suddenly, Pitfighter backs away, slides out of the ring and leaves the arena. Fifteen minutes pass. Clancy wonders aloud “what the fuck is going on?” Paul Iticklycorrect chimes in that McClean should watch his mouth, and is immediately fired for his efforts. After a further ten to fifteen minutes, Pitfighter arrives back to the arena carrying a plastic shopping bag. Out of breath and visibly stoned (a result of smoking a number of joints in the preceding 25-30 minutes, probably), Pitfighter slides his yellow-shirted self into the ring and hands Ace the bag. The camera zooms in to find that the bag is full of cans of beer. Ace hands over his pocket money to Pitfighter and then leaves the ring, heading backstage to drink the beer with his friends. Upon entering the backstage area, however, Ace is accosted by his parents and the police. A SWAT team barges into the main arena and subdues Pitfighter with a hail of rubber bullets, arresting him on the spot. Clancy tells us that Pitfighter is on parole and as such will probably be deported to Holland for this.

One of the SWAT officers breaks away from the group and begins to fire a real gun at the ceiling of the arena, decorating the church’s roof with bullet holes. The fans shriek in horror and scramble to escape, nearly trampling one another, before the rogue officer pulls off his helmet to reveal a painted green face! The fans who hitherto had been literally fleeing for life stop in their tracks and begin to shout, roar and clap in approval for the one and only Lieutenant Armyman. Armyman checks that the safety catch is definitely off on his automatic weapon before hurling it into the crowd – to a huge pop! The assault rifle hits the arena floor hard and begins to expend live rounds willy-nilly as the fans soak up the atmosphere for what is hands down the biggest pro-wrestling return of 2014! In awe of the pure star power and the general quality of the programming so far, Clancy calls a halt to the proceedings with a commercial break.

A clip airs reminding us of the dramatic prologue to tonight’s show: Just who is John Baby’s mother? That and more will be revealed later in a dramatic Cash-the-Maternity-Leave-Cheque match, so stay tuned.